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Friday, October 24, 2014

OCD and "the unknown"

I am about 5 months into my self-guided ERP program.  I can honestly say that I did not expect I would come this far without professional help.  I still have a long ways to go, but I like being able to take this at my own pace.  There is a quote that says you never really know how strong you are, until you have to be.  That definitely applies here.  In order to overcome OCD, you have to be motivated.  It is so scary to think about facing the precise things that you have been trying to avoid for so long.  I have probably had a 25-30% reduction in my symptoms in the last 5 months, and I am happy with that.  It's really odd, because I almost feel like I'm coming out of OCD the opposite way that I came into it.  For instance, if you looked at a time line of all of my symptoms throughout the years, I'm going backwards and taking out the ones that haven't been ingrained for so long.  I'm at a much higher level of functioning than I was last year at this time.  The better you get, the more motivated you become, and you kind of start reversing the cycle.  As opposed to the "I'm so deep into OCD and so depressed, that everyday I keep getting worse" cycle that I was in last year.  I'm really trying not to listen to my OCD all the time, which is definitely a work in progress.  One of my most time consuming problems up to this point has been the manner in which I've handled doing laundry--all kinds of rituals and rules....the highest fear is that somehow the sewage water will get into the washing machine, so I don't flush toilets while the laundry is going, and I turn off the water supply to a couple of them before I do the laundry (because I think there is a venting problem with those 2 toilets and they randomly flush on their own.  Freaks me out).  I KNOW it's irrational, I KNOW it doesn't make sense, but it has greatly affected how I do my laundry.  A couple of days ago, when I was finished with 3 loads of laundry, I went downstairs to turn back on the water supply to the downstairs toilet and found that it was already on.  When I turn the crank, I can hear the water supply return and it didn't that time.  So one of two things happened:  either I forgot entirely to turn it off in the morning, OR I maybe just didn't flush the toilet after turning the supply off (to clear the line).  In either case, it drove me absolutely crazy because I just didn't know which one it was.  If I forgot to turn it off, then all of my laundry could possibly be "contaminated".  If it was that I had turned it off, but forgotten to "clear the line" by flushing, then the first load I did would be contaminated, but none of the rest.  In the past, I would have responded to this by redoing all the laundry again, because I just wouldn't be able to take the "what-if"s, even if that "what-if" was only a .01% chance.  I am proud to say though  that I didn't rewash the laundry.  I just put it away and actually am wearing one of the shirts today, and slept in the sheets.  I can honestly say it is not even bothering me today.  Now, of course I'm not ready to purposely wash my clothes with those toilets not turned off and do my laundry, but I was able to tolerate the uncertainty of it without it causing me really anxiety at all today;.  So that is what I call progress.  And really, that is what OCD is, is unable to tolerate the uncertainty of things.  Constantly obsessing over "did this happen, did that happen?  Well I better do this just in case". And then pretty soon you've got yourself a whole list of rituals and a way of doing things that is not necessary.  And you start avoiding things, and things spiral out of control.  As far as the other 70-75% of my symptoms, I will eventually get to those too.  I am taking things one step at a time, and so far it is working well for me. This laundry is just one example in so many things that I have been working on.  It is solely to give an example of the lengths one with OCD will go to avoid the "what-ifs".  I am starting to feel myself have a little more control over this disorder.  Every exposure I do, and every time I face a fear or face "the unknown", I get one step closer to getting my life back free of OCD.  And that may take awhile, but I am closer than I was before.  Many steps closer to breaking free of this.  

17 comments:

  1. Congratulations on the progress you're making! The laundry example is huge and you should feel proud. I know how good it feels to start getting your life back from the grips of OCD, and I'm truly happy for you.

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  2. So happy to hear your self-directed ERP is going well. You should be so proud of yourself as I know that is quite an accomplishment. So happy for you! Keep up the great work :)!

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  3. really wanted to talk to you if possible ASAP.call? 718-436-0605 text? 347-581 -5862 or email edwardpaul77@gmail.com

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  4. You have no idea how glad I am to have found your blog. I have had really bad OCD since I was a little kid. All of your posts hit so close to home I literally could have written them myself. It's ironic that you struggle with feeling your husband is contaminated...I have that exact same problem. A person my husband works with got MRSA and I was convinced he was going to bring the germs home on his phone and clothes and that our whole family would get it. I made him shower immediately after work every day and I washed his clothes separately with bleach. I know my OCD hurts him and I feel so bad. I don't want him to feel like I think he's dirty! Oh, and the googling. I'm sure like me you spend hours upon countless hours of searching trying to calm the obsession down. This disorder is exhausting and unbearable. I would love to talk to you outside the blog. I really need a friend who understands...I don't know anyone who has OCD and I feel so alone.

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    1. Hi there--thanks for stopping by and I'm sorry to hear about your struggle with OCD too. If you feel like your hubby is contaminated, then I bet that brings all sorts of issues into your marriage, as does mine. My hubby brings me issues, but part of it is contamination but I think I also have some degree of ROCD (relationship OCD). I have a lot of negative feelings about him and it is what fuels my OCD. I definitely can understand how MRSA would trigger you. I am a nurse, so I can totally get that (even in a non-OCD way). Yes, I do spend lots of hours googling. Sometimes I even pull up my own posts after doing Internet searches...which is weird...it brings me to my "own problem". I would like to talk with you more as well. OCD can really make you feel alone, and people that don't suffer with it, really doesn't understand. Is there a way you would prefer to talk outside of this blog?

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    2. Thanks for replying to my post! Talking over email would be great, my email is amanda36524@yahoo.com.

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    3. Hi Amanda! I want to apologize to you. I was reading back through these posts, and I don't remember seeing this comment before. Somehow I missed it, I am sorry! I hope things are going okay for you, and I would love to still chat over email. Please let me know if you still want to communicate, and I will send you something!

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  5. Oh wow, this is INCREDIBLE!!!! Really, really proud of you. What an inspiration you are! This will give a lot of hope to a lot of people.

    One thing I wanted to share with you. I did not understand this for a long time, and I wish I had sooner. Believe it or not, the goal of CBT/ERP is not to reduce anxiety. It is to learn to live and function in spite of anxiety. Then, ironically, the anxiety does eventually go down. So it's important to approach ERPs with the idea of facing the triggers and just learning to cope with the resulting anxiety. Anyway, wish I had learned that earlier! Hope this is helpful.

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    1. Thanks so much! It seems so ridiculous, but they are big steps for me. Thanks for your comment too about the goal of CBT/ERP I am finding that out more and more as I go through this process. I find that it does become easier to "live with the anxiety" the more I face my fears...but it it still hard work, as you well know!!!

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  6. I’m 19 and have been suffering with contamination OCD for just under a year now. I stumbled across your blog about a month ago and am so glad I found it.
    It’s really comforting reading your posts because I can relate to you so much. I feel so alone because my friends and family struggle to understand how difficult it is for me. I too feel as though my boyfriend who I live with is contaminated. Everyday after he comes home from work I ask him to take his clothes off at the front door, wash his hands thoroughly, shower and put clean clothes on before touching or doing anything in our flat. My OCD has ruined our relationship and I have been feeling suicidal for a very long time now. I went to see my DR a few weeks ago and he prescribed me the drug sertraline and also referred me to get CBT. I have yet taken the sertraline as the thought of it makes me feel extremely anxious. I too would love to talk to you outside the blog and any others who are suffering with contamination ocd x

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    1. ***If you already saw my original comment, please delete. I had a typo in there and what I meant to say t(hat I have revised here) is do NOT take your life, Ella. Please. Please sub this comment:

      Hi Ella, thanks so much for your comment. First of all, I am so sorry to hear of your struggle with OCD too. OCD is truly an illness where we suffer in silence, people without OCD cannot understand what goes on in our minds. It sounds like OCD has definitely wreaked havoc on your relationship and I can completely empathize with you. It has ruined my marriage (although our marriage wasn't real stable to begin with anyway). I have done the same things that you ask of your boyfriend...making my hubby wash his hands. I finally got to the point where I just avoid my husband...we haven't even been intimate for over 2 years...because he gets mad at me, and I feel so much resentment toward him that I don't work toward that. As far as you feeling suicidal, PLEASE PLEASE, I am desperately urging you to not act upon those thoughts. There is a way out of this OCD, and it is through th euse of CBT/ERP. Being a nurse, I know that sometimes the antidepressants have "black box" warnings and can increase suicidal thoughts, especially if you already had them before taking them. I don't know your medical history, so please follow up carefully with your physician about the meds. But please please do NOT take your life. I know it feels like no one understands and no cares, but they do. I care and there are a lot of people out there with OCD blogs and in the OCD community who can be a source of support to you. Where do you live? US or elsewhere? Again, there is a way to get out of this...it is not easy, but I promise you it is worth it. And even if your relationship is ruined, do this for yourself, so that you will be a happier person. Every person I've talked to is scared to death to start therapy, but once they have started they are SO glad they did, and it does get easier! This OCD has been sucking the life out of you for a year. Please, please get into CBT/ERP and start getting help immediately. I promise you, it will be worth it. As far as chatting outside of this blog, do you have a means of communication that you prefer?

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    2. Thank you for replying hopeful. I live in the UK, have you got an email address ?

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    3. Ella, you sound a lot like me so I wanted to reach out to you. I'm 24 so we are kind of close in age. I have contamination OCD and have had in since I was a little kid. I constantly feel like my entire house is contaminated and that it will always be that way. I have a baby that plays on the floor and it drives me mad, but I have to just deal with it. So difficult!! I want to encourage you to take the medicine your doctor prescribed you. I take 60mg of Prozac daily (this is a pretty large dose) and have taken that dose since I was 17 years old. It is VITAL that I am on my medicine! I promise you it is SO worth it! I know taking drugs can be scary, but I really think it could change your life. Let me know if you need any more support!

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  7. Hi Amanda, thanks for your lovely message. Have you got an email? Would love to get in touch with you. Something happened tonight that really triggered my ocd and now i'm not coping at all, I feel like everything is contaminated in my flat and I don't know what to do, i'm at breaking point and am feeling extremely suicidal where I just don't know how to deal with all the anxiety, panic and stress.

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  8. Hey Ella, I'm sorry I just saw this message, I've been out of town for a few days. Email me at amanda36524@yahoo.com.

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