Most of these things wouldn't even bother a neurotypical person, but I can about guarantee if you have contamination OCD--you will understand how these things become bothersome. Most of these things people would say...yes you are being totally ridiculous and irrational, and I get that. I am. But that is the unfortunate thing about OCD. Some of the things he does though are over the top, and I've talked to a counselor about many of these things--and she has said they are abnormal on his end. Regardless, all of these things create barriers to our relationship and make it really hard to live together or function normally as a couple. Therefore, we really haven't been a couple for quite some time. It feels more like a strained roommate situation that is just constantly stressful. First for the "so-so stuff"--his room looks like a teenage boy lives there. All of his clothes are littered all over his floor, and I'm talking hundreds of clothes. Things he doesn't even wear. Stuff he doesn't just pick up and donate or throw away. He doesn't pay attention to whether or not things are clean. He just picks them up off the floor and wears them. He could put on socks that haven't been washed in months, that have been worn multiple times. In fact, I know he has about 3-4 pairs of socks currently, and I don't know what happens to the rest of them. He just keeps re-wearing them day after day dirty. He could put on a pair of jeans to go hunting in that hasn't been washed in 4 years (that he has hunted in multiple times). He will then of course sit in these clothes in his truck, at our kitchen table, and on our furniture **correction HIS furniture**. Yes, we have separate furniture, it's just sort of a normal thing around our house now for the last several years. There is no way I would be able to function in my house if I did not have separate areas from him. I keep my safe zones clean and free of him, and that is how I can deal with his spaces looking the way they do and not let the trail of contamination spread. For some examples of the really gross unhygienic stuff--he has his own bathroom, and it never gets cleaned unless I clean it. I try to clean it before it gets really out of hand, but there have been times I didn't know how bad it looked--and I've had to go in there and literally clean black mold off the shower/shower curtain.
I'm worried that this post doesn't cover everything. In fact, I know it doesn't. I know there are about 10,000 pieces to this puzzle, and I've given maybe 100 here. Some of you will read this and think "wow, this girl is crazy, no wonder her husband is disconnected". Some of you will read it and probably think "wow, they have both have issues". Some may think "I can totally understand why she is having such a hard time, I would too". Some may think that our marriage problems are all a result of my OCD, but I assure you it's not. My OCD never saw him specifically as contaminated until well into our marriage, long after we were having problems. I don't know if I should stay or go. So much of me wants to go. But a small part of me wants to stay. I understand fully that living with someone with OCD is very difficult. I feel for him in that way, I really do. I wish that I could be the normal spouse, that doesn't worry about those things. But that is not reality for me. That is not where I am right now, and probably never will be. I think if he has to deal with my OCD stuff, then maybe I just need to deal with his ADD/disconnection stuff. Both of our conditions seem to be feeding off the other, and it is just a horrible cycle to be in. It just doesn't seem like there is a way out. I have set in my mind that if our relationship is not better by the time our daughter graduates from high school (only about 18 months away now), that I feel like it would be best to leave then. At least we would have some chance of a more normal life alone. The strangest part about all of this, is he tells me he doesn't think our relationship is that bad. He tells me I'm the one who thinks it is bad. That is another frustrating thing about him is that he tends to minimize my feelings, or make me feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting more out of our relationship. The bottom line is we don't have a relationship, we never really have. There is no friendship, no time spent time together, no support, no physical relationship. The emotional, physical and mental aspects of our marriage are all missing. We live together in the same house. We are roommates. But we made a promise before God 18 years ago when we said our vows. There has been no infidelity in our relationship, which is really the only biblical excuse for leaving the marriage. But I do believe there has been emotional abandonment, and neglect. I think there have been abusive behaviors and words (on both sides). And there is a very obvious contempt and disdain between both of us in almost all of our interactions. I don't think that is healthy. I can't fix a marriage alone. I don't feel like I can leave the marriage, but I don't feel like I can stay. I don't know what to do. If you stuck with me to the end of this post, thank you! This was a hard one to write. Lots of feelings and emotions to dredge up, stuff that sits with me everyday and probably affects my interactions with my husband everyday, even in subconscious ways. If anyone has any thoughts/ideas, I would greatly appreciate any advice. If you are in a similar situation, my heart goes out to you. I write this blog in hopes that I can just reach at least one person with each post, where my story and words hit home for them. Because if I can reach at least one person, then all of this writing was well worth it.