Friday, October 10, 2014
The Anticipation of the Exposure
Today I contaminated myself. On purpose. I have to be honest that touching my clothes without washing my hands is a huge problem for me. For some reason, I don't want to contaminate myself. I find myself washing my hands a lot during the day, especially around my dog, when I'm doing laundry, cooking, or cleaning. If I'm just sitting there on the couch it's easy to avoid (as long as my dog is in the kennel), but if I'm up and about the house doing stuff...it seems I'm always washing. A classic case of not wanting to spread the contamination around the house. I've had a problem that has gotten quite of our hand, evidenced by some nasty looking warts that are appearing on my hands. It has come to the point where it's critical for me to address my handwashing. Over the past few months, I have developed many small warts on my hands and fingers. It disgusts me, it is gross. I have about 40 small warts now total on both hands and I don't know how to get rid of them. I was seen at a dermatology office a couple of weeks ago. Since I'm a pediatric nurse, I blamed my frequent handwashing on my job. What I didn't tell her is that I work from home and wash my hands 150 times a day due to contamination fears. She told me that I had to get my "hand eczema" under control and recommended steroid cream on my hands, and lots of moisturizing...then she will treat the warts when that cleared up. The crazy thing is that my hands actually look better now than they have in years. My husband noticed that recently too. They are actually a normal color again, and I don't have any cracking or bleeding. I have spent the last couple of months really trying to cut back on antibacterial soap. And I have actually done a pretty good job. So that is why I'm frustrated. I know I've obviously had this wart virus for awhile, but I'm afraid I waited too long to work on the handwashing. Now I've damaged my skin, and I feel like this is a catch 22. The warts aren't going to go away until I get control of the handwashing. But I can't get control of the handwashing until I get rid of the warts. Because of the warts, I don't eat anything with my hands. I use silverware for everything, even chips, candy, burgers. Everything. I dont want to use my hands in the shower to apply body wash, so I squirt it on a kleenex and lather up that way. My left hand used to be wart free, so I would shampoo with that hand. But now I've got a few starting on that hand, and I'm not sure what to do if they start spreading there. I don't want to develop new compulsions to get around more stuff. If I could get rid of the warts, I think I could start eating and showering normally again. I get so discouraged because it seems like almost everyday super tiny ones are popping up and it makes me wonder how many more are really there, that I just can't see? I have, for a nanosecond, considered stopping all handwashing immediately, other than the "normal times" but I don't think I can do that. I need a baby step approach, but I don't think that is smart choice right now either. I think if I didn't wash my hands, then I'd start using paper towels or baggies as a barrier...and I don't want to do that either. If I honestly think about the times I do wash at home, the place where I really should back off, it's usually centered around not wanting to contaminate my clothes. I wash before I put laundry in, before I take it out. As long as I'm not touching my clothes I am okay. But if I need to change clothes, go to the bathroom, I must have clean hands before I touch my clothes. This is what I am going to work on this week, because I feel like I have to. I am terrified that through the use of years of overdoing it with antibacterial soap, I've quite possibly screwed up my immune system to where it is not fighting off this virus. I know there won't be a quick fix to this problem, but it can't keep getting worse. I need to tackle this now. I don't want to contaminate myself, but I fear if I don't address this now, it will keep spiraling more and more out of control. Sometimes I try to look to others around me, and notice things they are doing....and I think wow! They can do these things without even thinking twice about them....and they are probably all okay. For instance I saw a guy filling up at the gas station last week and he was touching the gas pump handle and then he was scratching his stomach and adjusting his clothes. I saw the kid across the street climb up on their giant trash can. I see kids on our street literally rolling around in their grass. I see people throwing away garbage in dumpsters and then rubbing their hands on their faces, probably not even giving it a second thought. I see my husband picking up my dogs rawhide bone that is all chewed up and nasty, and then he goes right back on his ipad. When I think back to a time that I didn't have OCD, I was obviously much happier. When I wasn't consumed by these thoughts, I didn't pay attention to these things either. But now I am to the point where I feel like EVERYTHING is dirty. Of course, outside the home is worse than inside. But today I did contaminate myself. I touched our remote, my Nook tablet, the microwave, computer keyboard, pen/paper that I was working with, phone, washing machine knobs and a dusty door in our entryway...and I made myself not wash my hands each time. The items themselves don't concern me, it's just touching my clothes afterward. But today I just went about my business, and then when I needed to use the restroom I didn't wash before. (Who the heck washes their hands BEFORE they use the restroom??? Anyone else besides me??!! :)) I also purposely rubbed my hands over my clothes to really immerse myself in it....that is a technique that Jonathan Grayson refers to, and I don't like it...but I think it does work. So although this (again) sounds ridiculous, it is a step in the right direction for me. I need to purposely start contaminating myself with lower anxiety objects. And as to the title of this post....the anticipation of the exposure is almost ALWAYS worse than the actual exposure itself. You see, my brain has convinced me that I absolutely must do things a certain way...and I have to just tell my brain that I'm not going to listen anymore to the OCD. I truly am so sick of this OCD, and I am ready to do whatever I need to do to get out of it (well, no level 10's yet though!) I have honestly found that most everytime I do an exposure I always think I can't do it, but then as soon as I do, it wasn't even that bad....I didn't even feel that anxious after I contaminated myself. So whatever you are facing today and whatever exposure you just think you can't do....let me tell you that YOU CAN DO IT!!!! You absolutely can!!!! And you MUST do it, to overcome this disorder!!
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I really feel for you. I also suffer from contamination OCD and can relate to so much of what you said. Last year, my hands got to the point where they were breaking out in sores and blisters. After dealing with OCD for over 10 years, I finally got help. I found an SSRI that significantly reduces my urges to wash and I'm working through some self-guided ERP (I'm unable to regularly see a therapist right now due to a crazy work schedule). My life is SO much better than it was a year ago before getting help. OCD doesn't run my life anymore. I love my life and am truly happy for the first time in years. I know meds don't work for everyone, but have you considered it?
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by and your comment. Ugh--handwashing OCD is so tough!! I'm so glad to hear that the combination of meds/ERP is working well for you. I have considered medication, but for some reason I am just anti-meds. I have progressed quite a bit over the last 5 months through my self-guided ERP, and feel like I'm starting to come out of the woods, but I hvae a long ways to go. Kudos to you--that feeling of happiness again must be wonderful!!!
DeleteHey!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I have a couple ideas! First of all, congrats on all the work you are doing! Secondly, handwashing SUCKS so badly...I have been there and I know! But honestly Hopeful, there came a point for me when my hands were so raw and bleeding so much that it hurt to make a fist and it cracked the skin. I had the choice of going through that pain or washing my hands and I opted to stop washing my hands. I think the baby step approach is a good approach. This might not be the best thing to say, and obviously this is avoidance and not an exposure, but have you considered *temporarily*using some sort of a spa glove made of cloth when you are in the house to give some time for your hands to heal? Since you're a nurse, I'm sure you know what to do to help your hands physically. But also remember that you have a choice too in this--you can walk in the direction of having this be a stupid afterthought in a month, or you can walk in the direction of keep trying what you have been trying (the handwashing) to feel less contaminated. I'm on the other side of this now so I feel like I have a good perspective on this.
Try to think about this, too: do you want to be able to pump gas without doing a ritual (been there), touch the garage cans (been there too), etc.? How wonderful would it be to take a shower without having to worry about a Kleenex??! How would you feel if Thanksgiving rolled around and that night or morning you were able to take a shower without a Kleenex--and have it not really bother you? And think about how good that would make you feel about yourself!!! Could you consider this idea and what it would take to get you to that point?
I promise you, and I don't know what to call you besides "hopeful", that handwashing is so characteristic of ocd--and life is SO MUCH BETTER when you don't have to wash your hands excessively. I've washed my hands probably twice today and it's because I was cleaning. Have you tried taking a few days and logging when and why you wash your hands? To count how much exactly and for what reasons? Then you can have a baseline and taper down from there.
C, you and I have a lot of similarities. Seems like we've had a lot of similar struggles along the way, especially with the clothing stuff. Ironically, before you commented, I did have an idea to "rest" my hands for awhile. I bought some very inexpensive disposable gloves off Amazon and am just going to use those for awhile over my hands, so that I don't have to handwash so much. You are absolutely right, it is not an exposure, but kind of of a temporary fix to help my hands heal up, and then start really addressing the handwashing. I commend you for only having to wash twice so far in one day (at the time of your comment). I, too, was at the point where I had bleeding, and cracks and it hurt just to have water on them. I have cut down on antibacterial soap which has made a huge difference, but I still can't stop the handwashing itself. I have been able to work on a lot of other things though, but now its time to address this. I appreciate your support, and hope that you are doing better with your situation as well!
DeleteI agree, there are a lot of similarities which is why I keep commenting :) do you have a ritual when you wash your hands or duration of time that you have to wash them? I think the gloves are a good idea...also, maybe putting some antibiotic cream or lotion on them and leaving the gloves on overnight?
DeleteAnd honestly hopeful, the only reason I washed my hands twice that day was because I touched something that was a chemical that shouldn't stay on your hands. I only really wash my hands after using the bathroom and it doesn't bother me if I forget. It literally is not a probably for me at all anymore and, as I said, I came from a similar place. Do you feel like you'll spread contamination if you don't wash your hands?
Hi C! thanks for your suggestions--I don't have a ritual with handwashing or duration of time I spend. I just wash them all the time, to avoid taking the germs from one thing to the next. This is something I've really worked on, but it's so hard! I did actually buy some disposable gloves off Amazon--got 1000 of them for about $15. I am going to use them as a temporary helper to help get my hands healed up, but I definitely do not plan on turning that into a compulsion too....it is amazing how so far 4 days of very little handwashing (maybe 5-8 times/day) has helped heal my hands already. I hope that you are doing well, and hope that you will update soon on your latest exposure!!!
DeleteI am REALLY proud of you for tackling this. This is really tough stuff! But yes, I know you can keep doing it. I kind of doubt the antibacterial soap messed up your immune system. I stopped using it myself years ago, though, because I heard that it killed the good bacteria too. And anyway, what's done is done.
ReplyDeleteSo here is an observation from something you said. "If I could get rid of the warts, I could . . ." Oh that sentence really struck me. OCD likes to keep us trapped in the mindset that, well, if THIS thing wasn't happening, then I'd have stuff under better control, or we'd be able to do this or that. The truth is, there will ALWAYS be this thing, or that thing, complicating our attempts at ERP. But I think you already know that. You sure seem to have a clear understanding of the need for fighting today, right now, no matter what thing is getting in your way. You are very brave and you have really been an inspiration for me. Keep fighting the good fight. You're winning. You are literally getting your life back one ERP at a time.
Sunny, you always know just what to say! Thank you so much for your kind comments. I knew the way I worded that sounded really bad, and unfortunately it is true. I do think that if the warts were gone, it could improve my handwashing, BUT I also do realize that does apply to many other things too...and the truth is that's the way my hands are now, and I need to find a way to deal with it! I love your sentence about getting my life back one ERP at a time. That is a good way to look at it. Slowly one compulsion at a time we get ourselves deeper into OCD, and then by each exposure we get ourself out one at a time!!! I like that! :) Also, I wanted to thank you for posting Ethan Smith's speech on your blog a few weeks ago. I kept meaning to comment on that, and never did. I watched that in its entirety and it was SO powerful.....I think everyone with OCD and their families should watch this. I always think my OCD is pretty severe, but then I see those videos and that is what is truly disabling non-functional OCD. I really liked his quote you posted too. That is something I oftentimes remind myself of. Whatever the pain of the exposure is today...it is definitely worth being free of the compulsion afterward!! Thanks so much for sharing that! :)
DeleteI'm chiming in on this one, too!
DeleteI just wanted to agree with Monique--what you are doing is the truest form of bravery I can think of. And one thing that helped me with the handwashing is thinking about what I WANTED, meaning I could choose between continuing to live my life with painful hands and obsessed with washing them whenever I touched my keys, phone, laptop, or food and live a life filled with that OR I could try not washing my hands as much and see where that lead. The handwashing lead me deeper into pain and the lack of handwashing led me the opposite direction out of it. I know that currently it probably seems like this is so ingrained in you that it will never be better or too hard to change, but you can make the decision to not live your life with painful, ritualized handwashing, or make a decision of "maybe I will try something different" as a baby step. I hope some of this helps. Times like these are times when I just wish I could sit across a table with you and help.
I too have major contamination issues. It was quite amazing that as I have been reading your posts it was as though I wrote them myself. I also wash my hands excessively and use disposable gloves for most things. I feel people are contaminated and hate grocery shopping unless I go through a self checkout, since I can't stand people touching my food and other products. I have so many rules and restrictions it's ridiculous and I feel a lot of guilt over the things that I do that affect other people in my life. As far as laundry I do pretty much the same things you do. Takes me forever to do laundry because of the separate loads and even to the extent of the order I have to wash them in. I hate OCD.
ReplyDeleteWow--we do have a lot in common! That is interesting to hear you say that you feel like you could be writing my posts. I know then that you must be in a lot of pain too, and consumed by this OCD. I feel like the stuff I do is ridiculous too, but I just can't stop. I'll be honest that I tend to go to self checkouts too, and also have orders of which things can be washed during the day...cleaner loads first, or I have to wash out the washer between, but I have been better about that lately. Are you receiving any type of treatment at this time? I really feel for you. If you would ever like to talk outside of this blog (via e-mail maybe) just let me know. Sometimes it really helps to connect with others that share your struggles...
DeleteThank you for your reply. I wouldn't mind talking outside of this blog. I do feel very alone in this and I'm so tired of it all.
DeleteIf you would like to chat, let me know how you would prefer to do that. I don't like putting our personal emails on these posts, although I could go in and delete them right after we exchange...unless you have another idea??
DeleteI've been trying to think of a way too since I agree about posting my personal e-mail. Hmmmm Are you on any on-line support groups? Some of them you can send private messages instead of having the message on the public posts.
DeleteI apologize it's taken me so long to get back to you. I am not on any on-line support groups at this time. Do you belong to any? I would be willing to join somewhere if it would get us connected to send messages!!
DeleteMy son has OCD and I don't know how to help him. He is worried about germs, and uses soaps, spray, disinfect soap and wipes. He wont touch doors, and is constantly asking if people washed their hands, and if we washed our hands after we shower. He listens to see if we washed our hands.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - a couple things. A book that I always recommend to parents of kids with OCD is Aureen Pinto Wagner's book - "What To Do When Your Child Has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Strategies and Solutions." Even if your kid is not little - I still recommend this book as it is chock-full of good info. Also, Jonathan Grayson's book, "Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" gives a great idea of how to proceed with treatment. The best treatment is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy using Exposure and Response Prevention. To find a therapist you could go to the International Obsessive Compulsive Foundation Organization website and/or the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies website. Even so, don't just assume that any therapist you contact through these organizations is the right one for your son. You will still need to question them thoroughly to be sure they understand your son's situation and how to best treat it. Also, if you live near any universities or teaching hospitals, they are usually great places to find the best cutting edge treatments. Good luck and I wish you and your son well.
DeleteHi anonymous! Thanks for your comment. I agree with everything that Sunny said to you--she is an excellent resource!
DeleteFirst and foremost, get him in with an OCD therapist, someone that does ERP treatment (Exposure and Response Prevention). Traditional "talk therapy" or just talking to a therapist is not helpful and will not help him to beat this disorder. How old is your son and how long has he been having symptoms? OCD grows like wildfire. These are the exact same type of symptoms that I started out with, and if treatment is not given to the individual, they tend to develop more and more OCD symptoms as time goes on--and it can become more consuming and difficult to get out of. I hope that you are able to find him some help soon. it sounds like you are aware of what is going on and want to find him help, so you are being a great support to him already. He will definitely need the support of his family as he goes through treatment, so educate yourself as much as you can on this disorder. Please ask me if you have any more questions....I am happy to help in whatever way I can!
My son is almost 23 years old. He has had small amounts of OCD throughout his life, but they were all manageable. Then, around December of 2013 he started worrying about germs, and things started snow balling. In the summer to now it was worrying about my dad as he thought to be full of germs. He wont allow the cat in the house. He doesn't like me in his room, and wants the bathroom cleaned a certain way. He freaks if anyone is too close to my dad, and if i am close to door jams. He freaks if I and/or anyone touch the ground. He has issues with nail clippers on the coffee table, and placing feet on the table. He expects his silverware and plates come directly from the dishwasher, and always ask if this or that is clean. I have to keep his clothes in the hamper until he is ready to take them. He washes his hands so much that they are bright red. I get so stressed out, because he is constantly watching everything I do all of the time. I know this is not all about me, but I am feeling stuck. I am trying to get him to go to the type of therapy you described, but he is resistant as he has had bad counseling experiences. I explained this isn't talk therapy, and I feel like everyone has to walk on egg shells.
DeleteA lot of times OCD can get worse following an emotional trauma or a bout of stress..did something upsetting happen around to him during or right before this time? OCD will continue to work its way into every area of the sufferer's life, until they get help. I know it's scary to get help. I'm not even seeing a professional therapist at this time. I saw a psychologist a few years ago who I talked to about my OCD, but we didn't do true ERP therapy which is the best treatment for this disorder. He sounds just like I do, so I can totally see things from his point of view. I create "safe areas" in my house where I don't want my husband in particular to go. I go to extreme measures to make sure those areas are protected. I don't like my husband touching me or even getting close to me, beause he feels "contaminated" to me. I am very watchful of people around me, and what they are doing. I know how you must feel too, because my husband expresses the same things to me that you feel with your son...you feel like he is watching you all the time and like you are walking on eggshells when you are around him, never knowing what is going to set him up. Most people with OCD are resistant to getting treatment. Oftentimes it takes hitting rock bottom before they are willing to go to treatment, and then once you start treatment..it DOES get better. I was in deep consuming OCD for about 9 months and after many conversations with my husband about how he "couldn't take it anymore" I decided I needed to at the very least start some self guided treatment. I have actually come a long way, I am amazed at where I am today compared to where I was last year at this time. I know its scary for your son, and I know its hard for you to see him like that. Trust me though when I tell you that your son does not want to have OCD . He does not want to be like this. That is one of the hardest things for non-OCD sufferers to realize, is that we know what we are doing doesn't make any sense, but we keep doing it. We know its irrational, but we can't stop. We don't want to be like this, its not a personality trait. It is a true mental illness. Would your son be open to getting on the Internet and just googling OCD stories? There are so many of us with OCD out there, sometimes it helps to read other people stories and connect If your son would like to read through my blog and ask me any questions, I would like to connect with him too and help in whatever way I can....
DeleteIt seemed that it happened when he was placed on a particular medicine for his bi-polar, and one of the side-effects was extreme pain in his private area. he started wearing gloves, because he wasn't sure at first what caused the pain in his private area, and it took a month going to the dr. to realize this, other stomach issues surrounding Gerd,then issues with a therapist that stressed him out, and complications with his old Dr. that made us seek out a new one. Then there was also issues surrounding his dad as well, and maybe this was how he was able to handle the situation. I got him a new Dr. who is wonderful, my husband is doing better, working on his GERD issues, but it can be made worse with stress. He's no longer taking that pill, and now we are left with the OCD. It also stresses him out to use the internet as well.
DeleteI can see how something like that would trigger OCD. Obsessions are unwanted thoughts, so it important that you realize that he doesn't want to have these thoughts. He can't get rid of them on his own yet. OCD is like a bully, constantly telling you what to do and putting thoughts, images and all sorts of "what-ifs" in your head. Your soon wearing gloves is his way of dealing with the anxiety so he doesn't spread the contamination that he fears. I am sorry that it stresses him out to use the Internet. I really hope that you can find him some some help soon. There is hope for this disorder, I can promise you that. He needs to feel motivated to work on this though, so your support is crucial to him.
DeleteI have an appt for my son for Friday to see a Behavioral Therapist for his OCD. I am hoping it will work out as I am worrying about the holidays. He is talking about spraying all of his brothers presents as we put them on the ground under the tree, and it's on a Christmas tree skirt. I am not rich and I don't want his brothers presents ruined, and I am so trying to figure this all out.
ReplyDeleteHi! Are you the same anonymous who posted recently about your son? Just wanting to make sure you are the same person! I am glad that you have an appointment for your son. It is important that he feels very comfortable with his therapist, so that he can feel free to talk about everything. It is important that your son holds nothing back when talking about his OCD. The therapist is there to help him. The more detailed that your son can be, the better help the therapist can be to help him get through this. I wish you the best of luck and please keep me posted!
DeleteYes, I am same anonymous who recently posted about my son. My son had me cancel his appt, and I hope he decides to reschedule it in the future. He had his friend over today which was huge, because he hasn't had him over for 4 1/2 weeks.I tried to explain some of his issues, and he placed a cup on his floor. Then he picked his cup up, and that stressed my son out. I am hoping this wont stop him from having him over. He has been friends with him fo14 years.
DeleteIt has been awhile;since I have left a comment about my son. Our cat was gone for 5 weeks, and he was super excited based on his OCD issues. However, my other son was heartbroken, and I feel as if we give up everything to make my oldest son feel better. Then, she came home last night, super thin, and we couldn't let her into our home. I don't want my youngest to find out, because how can I tell him after he thought she was gone that she can't come in? We were told by neighbors that coyotes tore her apart, but now she's back. I love my son's both, and I am torn.
ReplyDeleteSuper grateful today as my son ate dinner with us for Christmas, and his aunt was over as well. This was a super positive moment for the whole family, and he is loved by us all!
ReplyDeleteHi there--good to hear from you! As far as the cat goes, I understand how heartbreaking that is for your other son. It is hard for me to give you good advice here, because I don't know exactly how your son with OCD would handle having the cat back in the house. It is important to not give into everything that bothers your son, as you and the rest of your family need to feel a sense of "normalcy" too. I feel really bad and hope that your cat was able to come in. Would you be able to find a temporary home for the cat possibly, until your son is better? I think it is important that the cat eventually comes back to live in your house with you. The longer that your son with OCD avoids this, the worse that it will get and the harder time that he will have. I am glad to hear though that he ate dinner with you for Christmas, and to have family over too! Every step is a big accomplishement in OCD. I can tell that you love your son very much and want the best for him. Have you been able to discuss treatment with him, and make any progress in that area?
DeleteI am still working on the treatment thing, and I did get him to take a brochure regarding Behavior Therapy at his doctor office. However, he tells me until the cat and /or my dad dies he isn't going to therapy as it wont do any good. I tell him lets go once see what it's like, and if you don't like going then stop going. I am not giving up hope. It's hard. Today is his birthday, and it was a terrible OCD day. He was upset my youngest son had a friend over, and then I have to make sure the cats not around before he goes to the car. Then, we went to Round table pizza, and I had to get my money back as he thought everything was super gross and dirty. I ended up getting food for everyone else, and he went back to his room as soon as we got back home. I love him so much, and I hope everything get better this year. I would even accept a little better, and I appreciate your kind words.
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