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Monday, July 14, 2014

Decisions.....and needing to take care of myself as a priority right now!

I haven't posted for awhile, because I've had kind of a rough 1-2 weeks.  I've starting having some panic attacks again, which take me back to when the OCD got started in 2005.  I had 2-3 panic attacks that summer and battled a major depressive episode.  That was really the beginning of when the OCD started.  I have had periods of depression/anxiety in my life prior to that, but had never experienced a panic attack.  I didn't even know what was happening until it was done and I sat down with one of the doctors at the pediatric office I work at and she told me she thought that is what happened.  I go into great detail about the panic attack in a previous post from September of last year.  If you've never had a panic attack before, it literally feels like you might be dying.  All of a sudden this intense feeling comes over you and you are gripped with panic.  Your heart starts racing, you start hyperventilating, you can become very warm and nauseous and feel like something horrible is going to happen.  It's very intense and I can't even put into words to describe what it feels like.  If you've had one, you know what I mean.  And if you have a good way of describing it, please comment!!!  In the last 1-2 weeks I've started to have some panic attacks again, and it really worries me where my anxiety is headed.  Things with my husband have just not been improving.  Not only from an OCD standpoint, but this is more a disconnection in our marriage which is very longstanding.  The feeling of disconnection from my husband is really what fuels my OCD.  The worse our marriage gets, the harder I try to keep my daughter and I safe and healthy--because my daughter and I feel like our own little family, and I'm scared.  I'm scared of not having each other.  I'm scared to write this, because as you know with OCD--it's hard to say or write the things you're scared of.  My  husband and I had a long talk a couple of weeks ago and I started to explain my OCD to him.  He told me he left the conversation feeling a little bit better about things and understanding things somewhat better--and I replied that we needed to keep talking about this.  We have so many things in our marriage we need to talk about . He assured me that this time things would be different and he would do whatever it took on his side to start improving things.  That w would start talking more openly...about my OCD, his issues and our marriage in general.  I really believed this.  I wanted to believe it.  But 2-3 weeks have passed now and nothing further has been discussed.  I really am starting to lose hope in our marriage and it is leaving me very depressed and in a very bad state with all of this OCD crud.  As I mentioned above, I've started feeling panicky much more again.  Fortunately now I know when these attacks are coming, and I can usually slow them down so they don't escalate into a full blown panic attack.  I've learned the very first symptoms of one coming on and I immediately close my eyes and start deep breathing, and it doesn't get as intense.  Nevertheless, this is a sign that I simply can not handle things anymore, and I think it's time for me to take a step back and start caring about myself more.  How can I be a good mother to my daughter, when I am not taking care of myself?  I feel like I'm giving up on my marriage, but I know that's not true.  I'm simply calling a "time-out" for about a month.  I am going to keep working on my OCD as much as I can, and I'm going to try to eat well, sleep well, and take time to relax during the day.  As crazy as this probably sounds, I need to find a way to disconnect from my husband enough to the point where I don't let him emotionally affect me.  Meaning his irritability, his impatience, his always being gone and disconnected from the family.  I need to find a way to not let that affect me, so that I don't feel hurt and spiral further down.  I have been making some pretty good progress with my OCD, and I will post more about that in the next day or two as a quick update.  This is a really hard thing to do, and I worry that when I disconnect myself--then can I find my way back?  The problem is that our marriage has been in real trouble for such a long time and I've been waiting for almost 10 years for it to improve.  The thing is, I'm hurting myself in the process, and I'm starting to realize that.  And when I'm hurting myself, I'm hurting my daughter.  These last few years have been such a blur between the stress of our marriage and my OCD, and this is time that I won't get back.  I don't think I'm being selfish by taking this standpoint.  It's just something that I feel I need to do.  I think when I feel better emotionally, I do better fighting off my OCD too, so it really just makes sense right now.  It just feels like I keep striving for this slim possibility of our marriage ever improving, and I've focused so much of my life on it.  My poor mental and emotional health is affecting me phyically now with the panic attacks.  I've also started to get more headaches, migraines and just random symptoms in general.  I feel very tired and worn down.  And I need to get myself out of this funk.  While I still have the motivation, I need to make caring for myself a priority right now.  Here is a song on the radio that I just love right now, by Danny Gokey.  Hope in front of me.  Wanted to share it with you all, and hope that it gives someone else hope too.  To keep fighting...because as long as we have hope, we'll stay in the fight.