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Thursday, July 30, 2015

A Breakthrough Exposure


    This past weekend I attended my 20 year high school reunion.  When the information first started coming out last summer, those initial attempts to start gathering addresses and information on all the classmates, I probably would have laughed out loud in disbelief if someone told me I would actually be able to attend this event.  And through the course of the past year I never really thought about attending, because I figured there was just no way I was going to be able to go.  If I couldn't make it to other social things, why did I think a reunion would be any different?  I was wrong.  All of the stuff that I have been working on these past several months has actually led me up to be able to do this exposure, and I never really planned it that way.  Getting out to some events here and there, being able to rewash "contaminated" clothes and just feeling better altogether, led me to start mentally preparing for this reunion about a month ago, when I decided that yes...I was going to go.
     I believe that part of my mental preparation with this exposure, was knowing that there was no way to protect my clothes during this event.  When I go out socially normally, I am so worried that there might be a chance someone might hug me or touch my clothes with their hands, and I want so badly to "protect" my clothes.  If someone hugged me, then I would have to clean my carseat, wash that laundry separately a couple of times (or even toss out), and so I would avoid the whole ordeal and skip out on social events because it was easier that way.  But it was making me worse in the meantime.  Isolating me too.  Avoidance is one of the worst things you can do to get further drawn into  OCD's web.   I knew that because I graduated in a class of about 275 people, that I was definitely going to be hugged and touched by many people that night, and there wasn't going to be one darn thing I could do about.  So, I went.  I didn't give in, because I knew this could potentially be a wonderful chance at exposure.  And I am SO glad I did.  I truly believe this could be a breakthrough for me
    They had a photo both there, and one of my old friends grabbed me immediately and took me right over.  Of course they have an assortment of things you can "wear", that have been worn by all kinds of other people.  Hats, scarves, eyewear.  Stuff I would never normally wear.  But I figured I was there, and I was going to expose myself, and I was just going to pretend I didn't have OCD for the night, the best that I could.  My friend immediately put on a police helmet and handed me one too, so we could match.  So, I just slipped it right on and tried not to think about it.  As I thought would happen, I hugged multiple people that night.  It was very crowded in the private room, so people were sliding by constantly and I was in very close quarters with everyone.  I was surprised by how little these things bothered me.  By the end of the night I was even touching my own clothes, to adjust my shirt, or fluff up my hair a little bit.  And I don't EVER touch my own clothes normally, especially when I have been touching things out in public--doorknobs, etc.
     As far as how did I wash my clothing when I got home?  A few days later, I washed the outfit I wore in a sanitary washing setting--just one time through--and all the clothes are currently back in my closet ready to be incorporated back into my normal wardrobe.  No need to consider them contaminated anymore.
    All in all, it was really a success.  They  key here is that I need to continue to go out to social events.  I have proven to myself that I can do it.  My hope is that I continue to do it, that all of my outside clothes will eventually be contaminated, and that there will be nothing to protect anymore. I am thinking that the way to keep going about this is to work on contaminating myself in the outside world, and then eventually moving to my own home/safe spaces.
    This event made me realize how truly important it is to be involved socially.  I have not been out with friends in years.  I actually had a lot of fun.  I smiled, I laughed, I had a great time.  I even stayed longer than I anticipated.  And I kind of wished I had bought tickets for the entire reunion (that went on the whole weekend).
     This just goes to show, as the picture above portrays, that you do have to be willing to be uncomfortable to change.  If we stay in our "comfort zone" in OCD, we will never truly get better.  It is when we take those big steps and let ourselves feel the discomfort, that we truly create change...and start getting our lives back.

10 comments:

  1. That's fantastic! Nice job, and I hope you can keep being social!

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  2. I'm SO happy for you. Congrats on this accomplishment! And keep pushing on :)

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  3. Wow what incredible progress! I'm so happy for you. And you are correct - the key is to keep doing it and keep building on your success. It won't go perfectly, and that is totally ok and to be expected. But over time you will see even more progress. Way to go!

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    1. Thanks, Sunny! It's strange how with every exposure I can usually do it without nearly the amount of anxiety I thought I would have. But if I get out of the habit, it's like starting all over again. Just have to keep exposing and re-exposing all the time to desensitize from the rituals!

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  4. Eyes and mouth wide open while reading this post. I'm so happy to hear about the improvement. I posted a few comments last year as I had been in the same condition last year but recovered little by little.

    This lesson is valid as well in me: Keep yourself in social situations and don't give your mind a chance to analyze whether youre contaminated or not -- you'll get used to ignoring that OCD monster in the long run and eventually forget that you had them!!!

    I can feel your achievement!

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    1. Thanks, John! It is hard to imagine myself not feeling contaminated at some point in the future, but I guess when I look at all the things I have overcome...it does prove how issues that used to be a severe problem are not even an issue anymore. I do need to just keep getting out there! I am curious as to how you are doing? Are you fully recovered at this point? And what did you do to get there?
      I'm so glad that you are doing so much better!

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  5. Hi I'm so glad your making progress in OCD and I too deal with contamination among other obsessions. I would love for you to check out my site https://facefearsnlive.wordpress.com/. And, I look forward to reading more of your posts.

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  6. Hi ya!

    I want to share this in hopes that it can help...I have a 20 yr old daughter who was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome plus OCD. I first realized something was really wrong wh3n she was commanding me, she got agressive and then violent. Once in the hospital she was diagnised. She went on to a bdrg home. When she got home, I was told she needed to be CALM and for that Risperdal had to be given nightly. The other thing she got was CBT. Together, the two were to me, ideal because she was calm and had very little OCD after the two started working. But her father never agreed ...he got her completely ofr of the med at age 17, telling her she'll be 18 and never has to listen to her mother again. Her OCD is back 10-fold. The duplex wfter two years has mold everywhere in the walls as she floods the 2nd floorShe clogs up the toilets with tons of toilet paper and cannot stop using water at the sink. I am aware of why but I am also aware that she needs to calm down again and get her OCD under control...where will she be able to live if she doesn't get help? But at age 18 the only way to force this is thru court...Ok, anyway, I saw how CBT and Risperdal were the solution...I have also heard of something called HRTwhich, apparently is something like CBT. Hope I've helped!!!!!!!!Laurie Yair...lsingle52@gmail.com

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