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Monday, November 17, 2014

OCD and the Holidays

So I've got a lot of catching up to do here.  I have a few posts circulating around in my head that I want to get out, so you will probably hear from me more often than usual for the next couple of weeks.  Thanksgiving is coming up.  The holidays are always a difficult time for me, because my OCD wants me to avoid, avoid, avoid.  For most family gatherings anymore, I come up with excuses so that I don't have to go anywhere.  Because frankly, I just don't want to deal with the contamination and the "after-effects"--being all of the not so fun compulsions that I go through afterward.  My husbands family gatherings are always out of town.  For Thanksgiving we typically make a 4 hour drive to his aunts house--that is an 8 hour round trip, with about 4-5 hours actually spent at her house.  It will make for an all day affair.  We make this trip every other year, usually, as we spend the alternate year with my side of the family.  There were a few OCD-free Thanksgivings where everything went "normally" for this occasion.  Driving up there, eating, coming back.  No issues.  Those were even fun times, that I enjoyed.  Then enter in contamination OCD.  About 4 years ago, I remember bringing my own food for the occasion.  I did not want to eat there, did not want to eat off others dishes or eat food that other people had prepared.  I brought some snack type stuff in bags for my daughter and I to eat.  There were a lot of people there, so it was somewhat easy to make it not seem so obvious that we weren't eating the food there.  We just mingled and went to different areas of the house.  2 years ago, we did not make the trip there (for reasons outside of my OCD).  My mother in law happened to be out of the country, and so we had my father in law over to our place for Thanksgiving dinner.  I can tell you it was a relief that we didn't travel there, but this time it was honestly for other reasons, which just happened to work out well with my OCD.  This year I am assuming we are supposed to travel again.  My husband hasn't said anything.  I don't know if that may be partly because he knows how much I'm dreading it.  Maybe part of him doesn't want to go too, because he doesn't want it to look strange when my daughter and I don't eat.  I really don't know.  That is purely speculation.  Nevertheless, there are many contamination issues I have now, that are new since the last time I traveled, and I honestly don't know how I will make this trip.  As of now, I have convinced myself that I'm just not going to go.  I actually am scheduled to work the 3 days after Thanksgiving (as my holiday weekend) at my job, so another excuse that I'm just too tired?  I don't know.  Here are the concerns I have about the trip:
   --Eating food that others have prepared (I absolutely can not do that)
   --Bringing my own food with (I don't want to look weird to others)
   --Sitting on their furniture and having my clothes contaminated (I could probably deal with this, if they didn't have cats, as I have been making marked improvement in this area.  Still I would need to come home and wash my clothes at least twice through the washer even if they didn't have pets.  Cats on furniture bother me, because they are in litter boxes and I feel like their feces is then on the couch and then in my clothes.  We have a dog at home, but she does not get up on the furniture.)  I'm not sure I could sit on their couch.  I feel like I would stand around all day for hours.  If I did sit down, I would feel my clothes were ruined and want to throw them out.  And I really don't want to throw them out.  I've been doing so much better in this area, it would be like a huge step back to have to throw them out, even due to the situation.
  --Eating off someone elses dishes.  (Can't do that).
  --Seeing my in-laws and family and knowing that people will be hugging, and I will just feel dirty.  Being cramped into a close space with a lot of people will really bother me.  People there might have colds or other viruses, and then there is no way to get out.  There will also be a couple of babies there, and they trigger me too.
  --And the new thing, that has never been an issue before, is the actual transportation to get there.  I don't want my husband driving my car, because I don't want him contaminating my seat with his clothes (see many previous posts if you're not up to date on this).  Meaning, I would have to be the driver the entire trip.  That part doesn't bother me so much.  What has happened almost every time we go here, is that his dad ends up traveling with us (sometimes both ways, but usually for sure on the way back), because his mom ends up staying there for a couple of extra days, since it is her family.  If his dad rides with us, I know my husband will want to drive so they can ride up front together.  I can not have my husband in my drivers seat.  I am also concerned that my in-laws might offer to have us ride with them, and I don't want to ride in someone elses's car.  Ugh.  This is too much work.
   --We would need to find someone to let our dog out during the day, if we are gone for 12 hours or more.  This would most likely fall on my parents.  I don't want someone in our house when I'm not here.
  --The last problem is the guilt I feel.  If we don't travel, I will feel guilty.  I will feel like I've let my husband down.  Like I've let the OCD win.  I will feel guilty that my daughter did not see our extended family for the holiday.

What to do?  What to do?  Ugh.  I hate OCD.  And I have a feeling it's going to win this time.  Sorry for the negativity.  I have been doing a lot better with my OCD in general lately, but it takes these types of things for me to put back into perspective, how much work I really have left to do.  The truth is, even though I'm pushing out small pieces of the OCD, the big issues are still there.

I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

10 comments:

  1. Oh gosh, this is SO HARD. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this and I know it seems impossible trying to do Thanksgiving with so many restraints. I don't know if this gives you a glimpse of hope, but two Thanksgivings ago, I couldn't be with my family bc of ocd so I was planning on going to a friends house for Thanksgiving, drove to the house, and ended up turning around and driving to the movie theaters because I couldn't stand the contamination with other peoples plates, silverware, contaminated people in the house potentially, etc. It was very difficult to loose a holiday like this to OCD.
    I know you need to do what you feel like you can handle, but sometimes you can handle way more than you think you can with this kind of stuff. Maybe thinking about the stuff with someone else driving your car could be a good place to begin, since sometimes the newer developments can be a little easier to fend off than older compulsions?
    Also, is the silverware, food, driving your car, etc. all due to contamination?

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  2. Hey C! Thanks for your comment--I noticed you recently posted about the holidays/stress and OCD too. It's good to see that you've been making such progress and I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays this year. As far as your question if all of my concerns are related to contamination....they are. I feel like exposing myself to one of these things would be at the highest level on my hierarchy for each group of problems I have. Accomplishing one exposure alone would be quite a feat. To face everything at once just 9 days away, doesn't seem like I'm ready for that yet....I know I can't have my husband drive my car (because he is contaminated to me). I would never be able to wash the contamination off my carseat enough, and I don't want to get worse than I am right now.

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    1. So all of these things you grouped together, they are all at about the same distress level on your hierarchy? So would doing one kind of like be doing them all? What would happen if your husband sat on a car seat cover?

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    2. They would all be at the highest on all of my hierarchies. It would be like confronting everything at the top of my list all at once. You and I are always thinking alike! I have contemplated a car seat cover, but not for this trip. I have to have a mechanic work on my car soon, and that is my fix for that situation. We may not be traveling after all this year, but I still need to work up some higher up exposures to try to nip this thing!!!

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  3. Oh hun, I'm so sorry. I know what it is like to feel totally trapped and like there is no way to turn. If it is at all possible, I highly encourage you to get into CBT/ERP. It really is the best way to get your life back. It's not impossible to do it on your own, but when the OCD is severe, it is really hard to do it on your own. I know I could not have done it without my psychologist. Try to hang in there. Big hugs.

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    1. Hey there! The only place for me to get into a reputable anxiety center is somewhere that is 3 hours away. Right now, I'm just unable to be able to travel that far away that frequently so much. I feel like I have taken out "bits and pieces" through self treatment, but you are absolutely right...I think a psychologist really needs to be there to help guide you through the higher exposures.....thanks for your thoughts!!!

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  4. I struggle with contamination OCD as well and can relate to a lot of what you said here. OCD truly can be a nightmare and I really feel for you. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. My OCD has gotten significantly better with meds and therapy (although I'm still working on it), and I wish the same for you. Even when it seems that the OCD is winning, please realize that you're an incredibly strong person for pushing on through life despite the struggles and it can absolutely get better. OCD is truly a monster at times though. I really hope that you're able to enjoy the holidays in some form this year.

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    1. Hi--thanks so much for stopping by, and for your comment. I really appreciate your prayers. I will put you in mine as well. I'm glad to know that a combination of meds and therapy has helped you so much. Sometimes it feels there is no way out of this. I fight enough to get bits and pieces back, but the bigger issues are still there and really preventing me from being free from OCD. I really like what you said about being a strong person for pushing through despite these struggles. That is something that all of with OCD need to remember. We do continue to fight, even though this disease wears on us 24/7. I hope that you have enjoyable holidays as well! I hope you come visit my blog again! :)

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  5. hopeful, my heart aches for you when I read your posts. My daughter (she is 12) is fighting OCD with Zoloft and a child psychologist right now (and a lot of pushing/encouragement from me). I, too, am dreading Thanksgiving this week. She was told by her psychologist that she has to go to her Grandparents and she has to eat at their table, but she can eat the food I bring. She agreed, but I am expecting a very bumpy ride that day. Prayers are needed and appreciated.
    I agree with above posters who suggested CBT/ERP (and meds). I understand how trapped you feel since the nearest anxiety treatment center is not convenient. We, too, do not live near an OCD specialist or treatment center. I would ideally love for my daughter to be in an intensive program. However, I don't know if you live in a rural area, but there are psychologists available that aren't that far from most rural areas (at least closer that 3 hours away). They may not be specialists, but many of them do understand how to use CBT/ERP. Antidepressants aren't usually a fix-all, but they help to ease some of the anxiety so you can do the work needed to fight it better. You already have an advantage in that you know the OCD is a problem and you want to defeat it. That's the first step, I think. Now you just need some ammunition. Please, please check into what is available in your area. Prayers and thoughts are with you. Stay hopeful!

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    1. Thanks so much for your response Tammy. Your comment really hit me hard, since you have a daughter with OCD. My daughter is almost 12, and out our house the roles are reversed. She watches a parent with OCD, and you watch a child with OCD. I probably have SO many things in common with your daughter. I am so sorry that she (and all of your family) have to go through this. I really hope that she was able to do her exposures over Thanksgiving and that everything went okay? Please let me know. The holidays are particularly tough for OCD, and I dread them too in that sense. I love the holidays and I used to really enjoy spending time with my family, but I just can't deal with the contamination anymore. I do fairly okay when I avoid, but I know I just can't keep doing that all the time. My husband and I had a big fall out this past weekend b/c I just couldn't do Thanksgiving with his family. I have checked into some centers and the closest "anxiety treatment center" is 3 hours away. There are lots of psychologists in my city (I live in a fairly big city), but the problem is finding one that takes my insurance. . I saw a therapist about 3 years ago, but would say my OCD was only mild now (compared to what it is now). I didn't find that therapist particularly helpful unfortunately. I am so glad that your daughter is getting help! And thankful that you are there to help her. If we as OCD sufferers don't have that family support, it can be really hard to beat this disease. Prayers and big hugs to you, too! And please tell your daughter from me that I am very proud of her! This can be a terrible disease for the sufferer and family. Every step (now matter how big or small) that she takes is truly a giant victory in this fight against OCD!!! Please stay in touch! :)

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