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Friday, July 26, 2013

My Triggers Part One: Germs/Contamination

As I mentioned in my last post, my main triggers right now are germs and contamination and that is one wide range of things.  I tend to be worried about the "obvious germs", people coughing and sneezing really bother me.  Hands really bother me.  Hands are very dirty to me and I don't like people touching me and I don't like them touching my things.  I really like to have my own personal things in an area where I know no one has touched and if someone does touch something of mine, that really triggers me.  For example, an OCD moment from last weekend:  I keep my makeup bag in the hall closet.  In that of course are things that I put on my face--things that I want kept clean and contamination free.  I always wash my hands before I put my makeup on in the morning, so of course I don't want any other fingers/hands touching my items.  When I went into the hall last weekend to grab my makeup bag, it appeared someone else had been in the closet.  There was a paper in there that wasn't normally there and the only person to use that linen closet would be myself or my daughter.  (My husband uses his own bathroom).  I became really worried that someone was in husband to be specific.  Here is why:  A few years ago my husband was working on a truck in the garage and his hands were filthy with grease--I mean black with grease as could be.  I saw one of my eyeshadow compacts with a mirror on the kitchen counter and asked him why that was there.  He said he had been using it to look at something down in the engine that he needed a small mirror for.  That was one moment where my  husband triggered me.  The fact that one of my items would be out in the garage with his greasy hands all over it.  I would have never even thought of this BEFORE I saw him do this, but of course now I question him because of it.  So now of course I remember that, and when it looked like someone was in the linen closet, I carried it over to think what if my husband was in my makeup?  What if he took my eyeshadow compact for something and used it?  I didn't even want to use my makeup that day.  I was all ready to throw out the whole bag (just in case he was in there) and repurchase all new makeup.  I waited to put it on until he got home and I must have asked him 4-5 times if he was in the closet.  He said no and of course got irritated at me, because he wouldn't understand my thought process with all of this...I didn't even get into it with him.  I did end up using my makeup, even though I felt I didn't trust him.  But I tried to look at the "logical side of things" and I had never seen him in there, so I went ahead and used it.  That was actually progress to me.  To be honest my husband has done a lot of things over the years that have triggered me, and it really upsets me.  He is one of my biggest triggers right now.  Because of that, I cannot be intimate with him, I haven't kissed him in years.  We haven't been intimate in a year.  We don't sleep in the same bedroom.  Because of things I have seen him do, it really bothers me to not be home when he is home alone...because I'm not sure what he will do or what he will get into.  This leaves me very much tied to the house a lot of times and I don't go do the things I want to do, which makes me resentful of him too.  Because of this I very much try to always be home when he is home, and when he leaves for a period of time, then I feel like I am safe to leave for awhile...I can go out and not worry about what he is doing, because I know he is not there.  His hands really bother me, because of the hobbies/stuff that he does in his free time(farming, car repair, tractor restoration).  I will get into more of this in a future post when I discuss how OCD has affected my  marriage.  As far as triggers though, my husband is a big one, and it is really sad to me.  Children are also a trigger.  I don't like to be around children, other than my own daughter, who I have no problem being around.  I tend to "stake people out" before I get too close--make sure everything is okay--that they are not coughing or having a cold or anything.  I don't like anyone making me food, other than myself.  As I mentioned in my last post, I have about 2-3 take out places I will go.  Aside from that, I make all my own meals.  I don't eat AT restaurants, because I don't want to use the silverware/plates there.  My thought process is:  What if they didn't clean the dishes properly, what if there are still germs left on them?  Other people, that I don't even know, have had their mouths on these things.  If I do have to go to a restaurant, I will order a sandwich--something that doesn't require utensils.  Utensils are the worst for me at a restaurant.  I also won't use cups there.  Or straws...because I would guess the waiters aren't washing their hands between picking up the last peoples dirty plates and then putting your straw in your drink order....Ugh...  I also won't eat at family gatherings or work functions.  Basically I just want to eat in the comfort of my own home with food I've prepared myself or again from those 2-3 restaurants.  Okay I've had this post "in progress" as a draft for too long now, so I'm going to publish it and move on to the next one, which is really bothering me right now!!

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