Total Pageviews

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Incident Last Night/My Dishwasher Ritual

Before I start talking about my dishwasher ritual, I wanted to write about another incident last night.  These are the types of things that come up frequently with my husband and they are very frustrating to both of us.  The problem is I don't think he recognizes OCD.  One of these posts real soon I am going to write more detailed information about our marriage and OCD and how each affects the other....there is a lot to write about that though, and that will likely be one very long post!
I haven't been feeling a lot of energy this summer.  I mentioned this in previous post.  As I've reflected on this in the past few days, I feel that a lot of this is because my OCD is spiraling downward some.  I've developed some new obsessions this summer.  Our marriage is really troubling me.  I have lost the energy/motivation to do a lot of things I would normally enjoy.  I don't seem to have the energy to cook dinner a lot of nights, and when I do it is like every step takes so much work.  My daughter and I haven't been to the pool much this summer.  We tend to spend a lot of time indoors.  I think I'm getting depressed.  And its been really hard lately.  I also don't feel the support of my husband--there are issues we have related to the OCD and issues that are not related to the OCD, but our marriage is really tough for me too.  I'm really glad I decided to start this blog, because I think for me writing is really therapeutic.
Anyways, more on that later.  Last night I did have more energy and did cook a nice dinner for our family.  Lately when I make something and it turns out right on the first try, that is a good feeling.  And when I say "right"--I mean, I don't have any OCD moments during meal prep which make me start over or throw the whole meal away.  I really enjoy cooking and its a good thing I do, since I will try to avoid eating out whenevr possible.  I cooked some creamy chicken wraps and had them coated in a sour cream and salsa mixture.  Halfway through the meal my husband decided to scrape the mixture off the top of his wraps and he was taking his fork and sliding it quickly down the wrap trying to remove the mixture.  He was flicking it off in a sense and this triggered my OCD immediately.  I sit right across the table from him, and all I could imagine was his "germs" and particles being flung into my food and I started getting really irritated, asking him what he was doing.  He of course didn't understand that I had been triggered.  He never seems to be aware of that.  I said to him, "What are you doing?  You're flicking stuff into my food", to which he got angry and said he wasn't flicking anything into my food and it turned into a back and forth argument.  It was soon after this that he asked if we were all doing something for vacation next week or what.  I was so irritated at that point that I said I didn't want to go anywhere, and spending a week dealing with his attitude didn't sound like a vacation to me!  I know that sounds harsh now, but looking back I was upset about 2 things:  the fact that he didn't realize my OCD was triggered and see the situation for what it was.  Also I didn't want to deal with the OCD on vacation, but I also didn't want to deal with his lack of understanding about my OCD on vacation.  Hmmmmmm.....
I want to move on and discuss my dishwasher ritual, as this is what I have chosen to work on first in my "self-help" program.  I really need to get a hold of some things with my OCD, and I feel like if I can start working on some compulsions it will help move me in the right direction.  I'm starting with this one.  My dishwasher ritual is similar to the laundry ritual which I posted about a few days ago.  I just can't seem to believe that I put dishwashing detergent in the compartment and I just can't get away from the dishwasher.  I load the dishwasher up, put the detergent in, close it, push start.  Then here we go again.....about 2 minutes later I open up the dishwasher and the compartment to make sure there is detergent in the compartment.  Sometimes I can see a design in the detergent, like a big blurb in the middle , and sometimes I even start closing the dishwasher door so the detergent "leaks out" of the compartment a little, somehow it helps me to remember what the detergent looks like.  I know it sounds so odd.  But if I can close the door then, my mind can say "C'mon, you remember it was bright blue and there was that big blue oblong blob that curved and looked like a mans bicep so you know there is detergent in there".  My anxiety is TEMPORARILY relieved, but not 5 minutes later I am worried AGAIN that there is not detergent in there.  We also have a sanitary rinse cycle on our washing machine and I am always so worried that our water heater is somehow emptied and the water will not get hot enough to sanitize the dishes.  So sometimes after the pre-wash is done, I will go back and open it again when the main wash starts to make sure that there is steam and super hot water coming down and that I can "smell" the detergent at that point, since the compartment will be emptied out.  I usually run my dishwasher right before bed, so this process can sometimes add 10-15 minutes to my routine.  What I hope to do within another week or two, is to eventually get to the point where I can just put in the detergent, get one "good look" at it--I think thats okay, but not allow myself to reopen it or stop the dishwasher cycle.  This makes me really nervous, but I think I can do it.  I actually worked on this one about 1 1/2 years ago (yes, I've been doing it this long) and got better at it, so I think I can get there again.  OCD can be so exhausting....I wonder how much time I've spent over the years just "checking" the dishwasher and  the laundry, not even including all of my other rituals.  Too much.


  1. Hi! I know this is an old post. I'm going to comment more soon and think we should even share accomplishments! But I wonder if those new dishwasher pods would help this at all. Hmm, maybe not...and mauve you've gotten over it by now...can't help but share an idea to help a fellow OCD out though! :)

    1. Hi anonymous! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. If you also suffer from OCD, I would love to connect and talk with you more about that. I think it is super helpful to connect with others and share our accomplishments! Thankfully, I have gotten over the dishwasher issues, but alas moved onto some other things with the OCD, ugh, but I definitely appreciate the advice! Hope to hear from you soon! :)