Well, now it is mid-August, and the summer is officially almost over. What I have been continuing to work on through the summer is my COVID fears, and getting back out into life again. I am really proud of what I have accomplished this summer, especially with one of my dogs in her final stages of terminal cancer. It would have been very easy to neglect my own mental health and recovery (and trust me, part of me wanted to), while I focused on her. But I had to make both her and my own mental health priorities this summer. I knew that if I did not take steps to fight back against my OCD, that it would become even harder to move to that better place, once my dog is gone. And she deserves a happier mom, and I know she will want the best for me when she is gone. She will want me to live better. Her disease has taught me a lot about life, uncertainty and fear of the future. I am really fighting back against my OCD for her at this point. She has inspired me so much by what she has gone through this past year (amputation and chemotherapy), and it's forced me to realize that her future is not in my control. Trust me...there have been times that my OCD has really played on this and forced me to engage in compulsions so that "she will be okay". I have a post planned soon about pets and OCD (I've posted before many, many years ago on this subject, as I think it's an important topic to discuss. And it will allow me to give some background on my dog and what we have been facing together this past year.
As I discussed in my last post, I had made a list of all the exposures I wanted to do this summer--most all of them involving getting back out into a world with COVID, and learning to navigate life in that world again. There were some other exposures I did too (some clothing contamination and food issues), but for the purpose of this post, I will focus on the COVID stuff. Keep in mind, and remember, that prior to June of this year I had never been in a public place without a mask. Furthermore, even when masked--I was pretty much limiting my outings to doctor appointments and vet visits. All of my grocery/Target shopping was done curbside. I had not been into a grocery store since 3/17/20. When I started my plan this summer, initially I was going to go into a store maybe 1-2 times/week for 10 minutes and slowly build up, so that by the end of the summer I was able to go into stores more regularly. I had initially thought this would be a process that would take the whole summer, in very small baby steps. For instance, maybe going to Target one week and buying one item. Then going to Wal-Mart the next week and being in there for 5 minutes. Etc. In actuality, I ended up just diving right in, and within 1-2 weeks, I was going into stores multiple times a week, without a mask, without really any anxiety. I think the anticipation of getting back out into the world was the hardest. Once I got there, it really wasn't that bad. As usual, with OCD, our minds imagine the worst. So for the last 3 years I imagine some crazy looking society where everyone walks around sick and coughing. But once I got back out there, it was just how it used to be before COVID. Now I go into some sort of store almost daily (sometimes multiple stores daily), and have no issues (other than today I did go into a very crowded Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon and that did invoke some anxiety in me, but I stuck with it). I also had a lot of outdoor exposures planned, which I was able to follow through on every single one, except for one thing...which happened to be out of my control. We ended up running out of time this summer to go there, but it was a lower level exposure, so I have no doubt that I would have gone, and it would have been fine. My biggest outdoor exposure was going to a very large world-renowned zoo that we live close by, and visiting the zoo in it's entirety (even going into the more crowded indoor exhibits). Children are a huge trigger for me, and of course at zoos children run wild and are all over the place. So, it was a little triggering at times, but not bad at all. The only indoor exposure I did not get done this summer was getting back to a hair salon for a professional color/cut. I did make that appointment today though for a month out, so I am proud of that (that was the soonest they could get me in).
Whenever I am strong enough to fight back against certain aspects of my OCD, I learn that I am stronger than I think. At the beginning of the summer, I did not anticipate I would get to where I am now. And I am proud of myself for that. It's not easy at all to fight back against your fears. And whatever you are currently doing to fight back against your OCD, I am proud of you too. Whether that's smaller baby steps, or bigger leaps.....please remember that every step you take is important. Non OCD-sufferers to not understand how much strength this takes to overcome our fears. I lived in avoidance mode for 3 years, and it would be fairly easy for me to continue on that way. After all, I work from home. And the current way of the world, has made it pretty easy to do most things curbside these days. But I want more for myself. I want to experience the freedom from OCD, and I so desperately want to live again with the freedom from those OCD chains. I am so mentally exhausted living with this disorder, I have so many more issues than the COVID stuff. But this is a big step for me, and takes me back potentially to where I was 3 years ago. If I can fight against the COVID stuff (which is probably one of my biggest 2 OCD fears--clothing contamination being the other), than it serves as a reminder that I can fight back against the other stuff too. I look forward to a life someday that is not ruled by this disorder someday. None of us asked for this horrible, oftentimes debilitating disorder. But now that we have it, it unfortunately is up to us to get rid of it. No one else can do the work for us. You are so much stronger than you realize. Just having OCD means that you are a strong person. Getting through every single day with OCD, takes a strong person. There is so much work in fighting back against OCD, yes that is absolutely true. But there is also so much work in living with OCD every day too, and catering to it's every demand. It is pure mental exhaustion. It is a prison really. We deserve so much better than that.
One of the hardest realities I face, is that my husband really never acknowledges how hard I work against my OCD. After everything I have done the last 2 1/2 months, to get back into life, there has not been one comment about how proud he is of me for doing that. It is a very disheartening feeling, and very much ties in with the emotional contamination issues I have with him (also to be addressed in an upcoming post), but makes me all the more grateful for this OCD community, as no one else really could truly understand what we go through.
I will have to keep fighting back against this constantly, because I know COVID isn't going anywhere. We are already seeing an uptick of cases again, and I have a feeling we'll see a seasonal surge this fall/winter. I may go back to masking temporarily if that is the case, but I definitely do not want to slip back into the avoidance pattern again. There will be some difficulties coming up this winter as well, as the holidays come upon us. I have not seen my in-laws at all for almost 4 years due to COVID, and I haven't been inside my parents home for the same amount of time (I have done lots of driveway visits with my own parents though). I am feeling very anxious already thinking about the holiday invitations and how I will handle that. Being in someone's home during cold/flu season, with COVID present in the community, and small children, all assembled in a small family room together.....that is definitely not something that I am ready for right now.
I am also really scared of where my mental health will go, when my beloved dog passes away. The last time we said goodbye to a dog was in 2013 and it put me into a state of severe depression for 18 months straight. It left me almost non-functional for that time, and that period in my life feels like such a blur looking back. During this period, my OCD became extremely severe and almost debilitating, affecting me 24/7. It took incredible amounts of work to get out of that and come to a better place. It took about 2 years of continual hard work (spanning from 2015-2017) to get to a place where I felt pretty good again. Then I did fairly well, and would consider my OCD to be just moderate until COVID hit in 2020. Now that I've started the hard work again, I'm afraid of falling back. Like I mentioned earlier in the post, I am bound and determined to keep moving forward the best I can, after my dog passes. That is how I want to honor her. Her cancer has taught me so much about life. She has adapted to so much that was put on her, and now I need to be strong and do the same. I need to take what she has taught me, and be strong enough to live it out.
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