These pictures show clear cut evidence of the filth he is willing to live in. Now, because I keep to my own rooms in the house and he keeps to his, (other than sharing the living room and kitchen area), there was a period of time where I never even stepped foot into his rooms, other than to gather his laundry for the week. His rooms became so overwhelmingly disgusting to me, I couldn't even bring myself to go in there and clean them. So they kept getting worse and worse. And he didn't take measures to clean them. Until they got horrendously bad, and I made him. He at one point had black mold growing up the entire length of his shower curtain. Black mold growing on the walls of the shower, and I'm not talking about a few spots. I'm talking about 25% of the shower wall covered in black mold, spanning a matter of a couple of feet. He will pick up anything in his room and heed no attention to when it was last worn. He has no clothing system. His clothes are not in dresser drawers. They are just all over his room on the floor, for the most part. Clean clothes on top of visibly filthy clothes (from painting, farm work, etc.), to the point one would never know what was clean or dirty anymore. He wears a mouth guard at night, which is covered in a thick white film, with black mold spots and some orangeish discoloration (more to come on this later, as this has been a crucial turning point). He sleeps on a mattress that has been stained with some type of orange fluid , soda??, I'm not sure?). He sleeps with pillows that are truly so old and filthy they are uniformly dark brown now (as opposed to a nice white that you would expect your typical pillow to be). One outside of our home would never know hubby was like this. When he goes to work, his clothes appear clean. He does typically wear things I've washed and tried to hang up for him, to work. He showers before work, and appears professional. He's not a bad person. He is actually highly educated, with 2 Masters Degrees. He is a very smart person. But for some reason, he's never been hygienic or cared.
For all of the reasons above, plus a lot of the hobbies he has been into (painting, farming, car/tractor restoration, odd jobs, handyman things), I have had an increasingly difficult time with him through the years. So much that we went a period of 5 years without any intimacy between us. No sex for 5 years. No kissing for 7-8 years. Maybe 2-3 hugs total during that time. Separate couches. Need I go on? Our relationship has been suffering more and more these past few months, and in a true effort to expose myself to him and start working on my OCD with him, I decided it would be worth it for our relationship to resume physical relations with him. I wasn't sure how this would go. Here's how it all went down: When you haven't had sex with your spouse for that many years, there is a fear that things are going to be super awkward. I'm pleased to report that the first time we had sex it went very well. So well in fact that we decided it was something we both missed a lot, and we ended up doing a repeat just a few days later. Now, a few weeks after the original time, we have made love 4 times again and have the 5th time planned on the agenda for this weekend. Of course there is a lot of things that go into this when you have OCD, in order to control the situation a bit. I made him shower (and of course I did too beforehand, because eww--that is just gross otherwise), and I laid out a clean towel, boxers and clothing for him after the shower. He was instructed to brush his teeth, use mouthwash and wash his hands very well before coming into the bedroom. Then the compromise was that I would have no rules (other than no kissing on the mouth) when it came to sex. If he could follow through on those rules for me, then I would not push him away, or ask him any reassurance questions when he came into bed. And the system worked great. The second time things went even better. In fact even though I had told myself I wouldn't kiss hubby that time (because the kissing part is still bothersome to me), I ended up lightly kissing him a few times during sex. And it was wonderful. It was so great to be with him that way again, and I felt so much more connected to him. I was amazed that after all the issues we'd had for so long, that we could come together that way and it felt so right. This is proof that we can be stronger than our minds, even though OCD seems to have a ridiculously hard grip on us oftentimes. My fear is getting germs/sick from kissing him, but even in the moment those fears went out the door. Even afterward I felt a little nervous about the kissing, but it truly wasn't anything overwhelming/paralyzing. It was pretty mild anxiety truthfully. After these first couple of times reconnecting, I had motivation and hopes that maybe we could try to discuss some of the aspects of his clothes/rooms that bothered me. That we might work together on cleaning some of that up, with the hope of it bringing us closer together and allowing more intimacy. We talked about it and we seemed on the same page, and I was so hopeful and happier than I've been in a long time. I literally started thinking about hubby all of the time and now it was in a positive light. I found myself being more attracted to him, and desiring to spend time with him. I wanted to push myself and I knew this could all work out after all.
So, I set forth a plan. I spent a lot of time, money and energy over a period of a couple of weeks. I figured out how I could temporarily spend time in his bedroom, so that I could sleep in his bed and not have to shower immediately afterward. I purchased some separate clothing (underwear and PJ's) that I could wear solely in his room when I was with him. I even bought some different sheets so that those could easily be swapped out on nights I wanted to spend in there. We set the date for the next intimate night, and I was so looking forward to it. I promised myself that this time it was going to be the best yet--that I was going to kiss him fully no matter what. Fully kiss and be in the moment. And I was so ready for it. Now....here is where we go back to the earlier reference to the mouth guard. When all of my disappointment set in. I remembered the mouth guard. And I wasn't even sure that hubby still actually used it. When I have seen it in his room (during various times I just go in there to collect his laundry), it is usually just sitting in random places around his room--sometimes on his dresser or nightstand. I started to get a strange feeling today--what if he actually still uses that thing? And I'm supposed to kiss him? I can't emphasize enough how truly horrifying it looks. This is not just an OCD thing. I promise you. This is a very unhealthy situation. I asked him about it, and he says he still uses it sometimes. He said--in fact, I just used it last night. And right at that moment, my heart fell. Because I know there is truly no way I can kiss my husband when he puts that thing in his mouth every night. I've googled articles tonight on the dangers of dental devices, and this is a real thing. Yeast, bacteria grow on these things (especially when not cleaned properly) and they can actually cause life threatening illnesses, not to mention just your normal growth of strep, staph, and fungus. Is it wrong for me to not want to kiss him when he's basically sucking on a moldy piece of plastic for 8 hours every night? Is it wrong of him and he is being unfair to me, by allowing this to continue and not acknowledge this is wrong and unhealthy? I do know the difference between OCD concerns and real concerns--and this is one of them! I told him at that time that I was not going to kiss him, and that in fact I was very upset that he knowingly let me kiss him last time despite that. How is his mouth even supposed to be anywhere on my body during sex? I feel I was so emotionally invested into wanting this to work and I was truly devastated after seeing that. At least when I was disconnected from him, it didn't hurt so bad. Now we've been intimate after 5 years and I've opened my heart up to him and allowed myself a glimpse of what our relationship could be like....and this mouthpiece has devastated me. At first I thought he at least might acknowledge it was unsanitary and do something about it. And at first that didn't appear to be the case. He said he needs it at night, because his teeth would be ruined without it. I asked him if it would be possible to buy a new one. Even though they are costly, I feel it is something worth the money in order to re-establish intimacy between us. I feel like if I'm going to dive in with the exposures with my husband, I need to do it 100%. There is no in-between here and picking out certain bits and pieces to work on. Also I feel very awkward in the sense that why I am I trying to work on this marriage, when he clearly doesn't respect my health? Truth be told, I am highly allergic to mold. I have recent allergy testing to prove that. I had a mouthguard once, and actually am doing Invisalign currently. I've taken care of all of my dental devices and mine have never looked like that. So even if he gets a new one, he's still going to have to take care of it...and what are the chances of that? Slim, I'm afraid.
I tried to clean his mouthguard, and it did not work. I soaked it in vinegar, Listerine and washed it with antibacterial soap and water. There is still a horrible layer of film all over it that will not come off, and definite black/orange mold spots. I was very direct with him and told him if he continued to use that, that we would not be able to kiss. I have to draw the line somewhere. I really do. So...he hasn't used it for 2 weeks now. We have been intimate twice since then, and the second time (after that mouthpiece had not seen his mouth for a solid 10 days) I actually did fully kiss my husband. I was a little worried about this, but...I figured if I was going to set parameters, then I had better be following through on my end of the deal. I still don't know where this will go in the future. At some point again will he find the mouthpiece and wear it? Will he get a new one and take care of it?
I have also spent a considerable amount of time over the past 2 weeks deep cleaning our house. When my OCD was at it's worst, I couldn't even clean certain areas because they felt so dirty. I could keep up on my areas of the house, but as I mentioned above with my husbands things it became so overwhelming to me. He didn't pick or clean up and it just grew worse and worse over the months. I spent a good chunk of a day cleaning his bedroom, organizing his closet and washing everything on the floor and putting it away. He finally has clothes hanging up again, clothes in dresser drawers, and clothes in the hamper. If I can go in there every couple of days and take 2-3 minutes to clean up, I can really easily stay on top of it. Same with his bathrooms. They got deep scrubbing that they haven't seen in a long time. I can honestly say that if I had to use one of his bathrooms at this point, I could. I can walk in his room and it feels "normal" to me, which is good. There are still a lot of things I have concerns with, and I realize that it will take a long time to navigate through all of this. It will be a constant work in progress. If we come to a standstill and can't progress anymore on our own or communicate about how to get through this, then I would consider talking to a psychologist. Just to question how we deal with these things that come up? How does hubby try to "meet me halfway" for awhile so that I can keep increasing my exposures with him? I know a lot of it is little stupid stuff, but it still stands out in my OCD brain and screams "contaminated" to me. Like when he handles our dogs slobbery rawhide bones then eats without washing his hands. When he grabs some random glass off the bartop counter that has probably been used several times without being washed, and uses it to drink out of. When he uses the same exact coffee cup at work every day and it never gets washed. When his idea of finally washing out that cup, means just swishing some water around in the bottom and calling it clean. When he might not even brush his teeth twice daily. I could go on and on here. This is really a separate post, but does intertwine with everything I've been talking about thus far.
But, the bottom line here is I did a big exposure. One I really never thought I would be able to do again. I re-established intimacy with my husband. Kissed my husband. And I promise you, if I can do this...so can YOU! I have talked to a few of you outside of this blog with similar intimacy issues with your significant others. Not knowing how to navigate the contamination and everything the OCD throws at you. So you just start avoiding, and your spouse becomes more and more contaminated to you through the years. But I absolute promise you, it is worth it. I feel this is a huge step in repairing our relationship. Right now everything has to be "controlled" so to speak, with the showers, clean clothes, clean sheets, etc. But I do keep adding things in everytime, to show my husband that I really am working at this. I feel in my heart he will never understand how hard this is, and how much I pushed myself to do this. But that's okay. Those without OCD simply will never understand what we go through. Their brains do not work the same way as ours. But I HAVE been on the other side of the fence. I have lived a life (for almost 25 years) that did not include OCD. And I am certain that when hubby and I were first intimate (and I didn't have OCD), that I didn't think about these things either. OCD makes things really hard sometimes. But it doesn't make them impossible. Push yourself to do something today. I promise you it will be worth the effort. It is the most liberating, freeing feeling to gain your life back from this disease.
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