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Monday, December 26, 2016

Christmas with OCD

      I haven't posted for awhile here, so just wanted to give a little update how I've been doing.  First of all, I am over 50,000 views on my blog now!  It doesn't sound like a lot, but I am reaching people out there somewhere in my little corner of this OCD world.  That is what it feels like, right?  But it's so far from the truth.  I have heard from countless people on this blog, things such as "I never thought I would find someone else who struggled with similar problems", "I never knew other people did things like I did".  What I have learned is that there are so many people like us.  We are not alone.  And we must keep sharing our stories and supporting each other and connecting.  So that we do not feel so alone, and also so we can reach others out there with this disorder. 
     The holidays are usually pretty tough for me.  I was a big avoider for awhile, because I simply didn't want to deal the aftermath of feeling contaminated.  I didn't want to hug people.  I didn't want to sit on their furniture.  I didn't want to possibly be exposed to other people there who "might" be sick.  There was no way of knowing.  I didn't want to deal with the clothing I was wearing when I got home...was it salvageable, would it need to be thrown out?  I didn't want to clean my car out because that was the mediator between the public world and my safety zone at home.  I have learned to face many of these things over the last few years.  But I still struggle in some ways.  It is definitely not easy for me to go to these events, but I force myself to.  I knew this year was particularly going to be tough.  We had sick family members on both sides of the family, so potential for exposures to illnesses the entire day.  At one point it was determined we wouldn't be getting together, but then things changed.  And then a whole new set of concerns entered my mind....it wasn't only contaminating myself with "normal stuff" that people do everyday--sitting on others furniture, hugging, etc.  But rather actual exposure to people ill with colds.  This is super high anxiety provoking for me.  I spend so much of my time avoiding germs and avoiding contamination, and now I'm supposed to purposely expose myself?  And to up the ante even further, I knew I would have to deal with this--or the flip side of the coin would mean dealing with my husband's anger/irritation because we didn't get to our family Christmas because of my concerns.  My husband will never understand what I forced myself to do (pushing myself into a level 100 anxiety situation) but I did it.  I went to 2 family Christmases, where 2 of the children had pretty significant coughs.  Children are even more of a trigger for me, because they typically lack cough hygiene, and I know the "cough germs" are going to be airborne everywhere.  I will admit that I kept my distance to the best of my ability, but I did it.  I went, and it is done.  To be honest, a lot of things happened there that bothered me.  Although I was able to keep my distance fairly well from one of the children, the other one was more difficult.  It was in a smaller house (and mostly we stayed in one room).  My nephew coughed all over the place, mouth wide open--a loose junky wet sounding cough.  His nose kept running, and he was drooling most of the time--spit hanging down onto his clothes.  At one point his mother wiped his nose and then just stuffed the snotty Kleenex in her pocket.  He coughed all over the food as he sat at the table (thankfully we didn't eat there, I have to draw the line somewhere).  Then as they left the gathering (they left before we did, so he could get home to go to bed), they told him to go around and high five everyone.  This is with sticky snotty fingers.  He seemed hesitant at the end and was getting tired, so thankfully I was able to decline and just politely say that I will pass on the high five.  Ugh.  I can't imagine all the germs everyone else collected on their hands from doing that.  Also at one point someone was holding him and he coughed directly in her face!  So many concerns, so many thoughts and worries.  I was so happy when it was over.  I went, but I'm not going to lie.  It was a relief when it was done.  
     I have a lot of concerns moving forward, because my nephew is only a year old.  He is in daycare, always getting exposed to stuff,and I have a fear that he is going to be ill often at family get togethers.  It makes me nervous just thinking about it now, and all of the gatherings we will have in the future and how I will deal with those, but I guess I'm just going to take it one gathering at a time.  That's all I can do. 
    As far as the rest of my OCD, I am doing fairly well overall other than dealing with contamination issues with my husband still.  It continues to be my #1 OCD problem.  Just so many things that I see him do on a daily basis that causes me to lose trust in him.  It makes me more mindful when I'm around him, and I really don't trust his judgment.  Some random examples of things that would bother me that I see him do are:  goes to the bathroom and flushes the toilet without washing his hands, he reuses a cup several times and digs it into the ice bin each time (even though it hasn't been washed for days on end), he handles our dogs rawhide bone and toys and then eats food without washing his hands, he picks up clothes off his floor that haven't been washed for months and months and wears them.  I have actually seen him do the "sniff test" when picking up clothes to wear to work.  He was sick with a cold and wore the same shirt for 5 days in a row, coughing into it constantly.  He lets our dog lick his face, ears, hair and clothing all over.  He lets our dog sit and put her butt directly on his pillow.  He goes several days without showering usually over the weekends.  I could go on and on, but you get the point.  I just feel he is dirty and I just don't want to come into contact with that.  And once the bridge between him and I is crossed, there is no way to protect my spaces anymore.  So I am very protective of my safe spaces, and my clothes with him.  Our worlds just can not collide.
    But back to the beginning of this post, I am so thankful for those of you I have been able to connect with on this blog.  I have already heard pieces of many of your stories, and I feel your pain. Please continue to share your stories, so we can continue to get this out there, reduce the stigma associated with this disorder, and find others to connect with.  There are so many of us out there.  You are not alone.
    
      

17 comments:

  1. Hey hopeful, I had a rough Christmas too! It's so interesting to see that we all have OCD but they are slightly different. I also have the contamination worry but with sitting in my house with the outside world clothes and with people who smoke and bring in their toxins with them. I don't invite anyone to my home that's major anxiety for me but I go to my moms and sisters house where contaminated and smokes clothes live. Not to mention I don't even think people wash their hands when they comeback from the outside world or when they smoke. I spent the nights washing clothes bedding and my children! I'm exhausted. My hands hurt and bleed from washing them too much! I try to decontaminate their homes but it just keeps on happening over and over again. You probably could imagine the amount of door knobs I've wiped and how many times clothes have been changed and washed. I don't have issues with sick people though I mean of course I stay away but mostly so my kids don't get sick. Does your dog stay with you in your house how do u deal with the dog hair?

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    1. Hi! Sorry to hear you had a rough Christmas too. I won't invite anyone to my home either. It would be way too much to deal with with their outside clothes on my furniture, and feeling like they were walking all over my carpets bringing their contamination from their socks all over my home. As far as our dog, yes she does live in the house. I don't have too much a problem with the dog hair. But because I feel my husband is so highly contaminated, I kind of feel like he contaminates our dog too, so I don't like her brushing up against me. I feel so super guilty, because I won't even hug our dog. I'll pet her of course, but I am very watchful of everything she is doing. If she brushes up against the couch, I have to clean that to return it to a safe clean place. Things like that.

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    2. Yea I guess we all have are differences, dog hair would drive me crazy, but in the end it's pretty much the same. I mostly became like this after having children. I had OCD but never anything like this. Thanks for replying back I gave you my email write to me anytime 😊

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  2. Hi, your email never showed up anywhere?!

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    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  3. It's so good to hear from you! I've been checking for a new post and was starting to worry! Please don't give up! I've eventually gotten over things that I use to spaz out about OCD wise and now I look back and think how silly they were buy it seems like I've replaced it with new things to be concerned with! Last night my husband and son went deer hunting and my son got his first deer but sadly I couldn't even be happy for him because I was so concerned with their clothing and bodies being contaminated. My son came in and touch the cabinet door and counter and of course I had to use a bleach rag and clean those surfaces and the door handles. My husband was trying to talk to me to lower my snickers but when it's at its max it doesn't matter what he says I just can't win, my anxiety does. I'm so sad because I know I say some hurtful things when I'm having an anxiety attack and he just says I know it's not you, it's your OCD. He use to not be so understanding but after going to several counseling sessions with me I think he's gotten a better understanding of OCD and how manuliptive it is.

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    1. Hi Jeanie! Great to hear from you too! And no worries--typically when I'm not posting, it means I'm doing pretty well. But when things come up (like Christmas or get togethers or things out of my normal dailty routine) I do tend to get more stressed and then I post just to process and vent. It is so ironic that you would post about your husband getting a deer tonight. My husband is out deer hurting this afternoon and I honest to goodness just got a text from him as I was starting to reply to you here, that the guy he was hunting with got a deer. He takes his friends son out and he shot one. So now I am freaking out about that too. I can completely understand how you get anxious. I will be a wreck when he gets home. I literally hope he will strip his clothes in the garage and go immediately to the shower. But I worry about the deer contamination being on everything...in his truck, on his clothes, his hands, his phone (that he I'm sure will be taking pictures with). It's another reason why I feel his truck is forever contaminated. For me, with OCD, I would clean up as I went along so that nothing stayed contaminated, and return it to a state where everything was completely clean. But of course for those without OCD, they just don't think that way. So this puts a fork in the road for quite awhile. I am going to feel he is highly contaminated for a LONG time. I am super happy to hear that your hubby is so much more supportive of you. It sounds like him coming to counseling sessions with you has really helped to provide him with some insight into this disorder. I wish my hubby was that understanding. He just gets mad at everything I do, he can't really separate me from the OCD. I say a lot of hurtful things too, which I realize is just from the anxiety. It's really tough sometimes, isn't it?!

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  4. Hey hopeful how's everything? You haven't written to my email so I guess I'll write here hope I'm not bothering you I just need someone to talk to. I had one of the worst days of my life. My mom was staying at my house today which I love but then she had visitors from outside and they came over. One was a smoker and they had even eaten at a restaurant prior to coming. Can u imagine all the contamination oh god! Not to mention no one washed their hands at least nooo! Then they kept giving my daughter their contaminated phone and even she was in their purse touching their wallet. The germs from money is enough to kill u. When they left well you know it took me a long time to clean up and bring my house back to safety. I'm so tired and embarrassed and sick. What do u do in these situations??

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    1. Hey!  Actually I did write twice to your email!  I wrote you back the day I got it and then I didn't hear anything back for a few days, so I re-sent it again.  Did you look in your junk mail?  It might be there.  Look in there, and if you don't see it, I will try sending it again.  I just copied and pasted the email address you gave me.  Hopefully you will find it!  But I will certainly reply on this post for now.  These situations are so hard.  The thoughts can just keep spiraling!  I agree that it is tough.  Once you start going on that midset, it is hard to get off.  First of all, I am proud of you for even being able to have people come over. I used to let people come to my house but it became way too tiring to clean up the mess, as you stated, so I just stopped.  I don't allow anyone to come into my house now.  For that exact reason.  Because I don't want them on my furniture and I don't want them coming in with unwashed hands.  When my parents used to come to my house, I would make them wash their hands.  Then I realized how strange it made me seem and I wanted to avoid the awkwardness, so it was just easier to not let them into my house. My parents don't even know I have OCD, they probably just think I'm a germaphobe.  I agree with money too.  I hate handling money.  I do it, but I always wash hands afterwards.  I think that is the difference between us and non-OCD suffers.  We must "fix" or "clean" each situation before moving on, so we don't spread the contamination around. We feel comfortable in our environments because of that, so we work hard to keep things "safe and clean" so that we don't feel anxious.  But for the rest of the world that doesn't have OCD, they don't think about these things.  I try to remind myself in these situations that they feel gross/icky/disgusting, but they are probably not harmful.  Yes you are right there are probably zillions of germs all over money, phones, etc.  But for the

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    2. majority of the population they deal with this things daily without decontaminating, and they don't suffer any bad consequences from it.  But for people like us,with OCD, that is just hard to do.  I'm afraid I don't have any great advice, because I deal with the same stuff.  I used to avoid going to others houses completely too, and I still hate sitting on restaurant chairs, doctors office chairs, etc....my way of dealing is just to have the inside clothes that I change into when I get home, so I feel I am stopping the spread of contamination.  Thankfully I don't avoid as much as I used to.  I still feel uncomfortable in certain situations, but I force myself to do them.  Because I feel like I"ve seen my worst with my OCD, and I don't want to get there again.  Whatever you do, just don't start avoiding stuff--it is the downfall and can put you in a really really bad dark place.  I had a rough weekend too, so I can relate.   Some days with OCD are just tougher than others it seems.  My  husband is not very hygienic, and he went 4 days without showering over this long New Years weekend.  And to top it off, he was doing some dirty jobs throughout that time--finishing with yesterday he changed oil in 2 vehicles in our garage, laying on the garage floor and just came inside and put on different clothes and went downstairs to sit on the couch.  Then he went to bed later. He spreads contamination all over our house, and it is increasingly difficult for me to live with him.  I won't sit anywhere he sits in our house, and I won't ride in his vehicle. If he rides in mine, he rides in the backseat.  It is a really awful way to live actually.  Last night I was so frustrated I couldn't even get to sleep.  Then I had dreams all night long of him contaminating the house, different rooms.  I am so angry with him, because I don't like to live like this. I think he is not hygienic and he makes my OCD worse definitely. So it seems we are both struggling quite a bit now.  Sorry that you've had a rough few days. I am always here on the blog to listen and talk!  But again, it would be nice to email,  so I hope it works out. If it doesn't show up for you , please let me know and we'll try again!!!

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  5. Hi!! I think that you feeling like he's contaminating the whole house is normal though I mean aren't people suppose to shower after activities like that I think people without OCD would feel the same. I have a psychiatric appointment on Thursday I'll let you know how it goes. I'm already getting anxiety about who will enter my house or touch my kids. I never got ur email and it's not in my junk mail. I'll just give you the email again.

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  6. Hi there! I tried emailing that again yesterday but didn't hear back from you. So maybe you're not getting my emails? Strange. This was the same address I had from last time too, so I'm not sure what's going on. Let me know if you got the email from yesterday. It was just a short test email. If not, then I guess we'll just have to continue our conversation on here for now :)

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    1. You doing okay, B.B? I emailed you again and replied here. Hope you're alright. You can email me at connectwirhmyocdstory@gmail.com if you'd like to talk further! 🙂

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    2. Sorry, typo. It's connectwithmyocdstory@gmail.com

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  7. I had pretty good christmas, better than last year. I know that holidays can be the worst for someone with ocd. Happy new year to all! :)

    My blog:

    http://nutritionanxietyandocd.blogspot.fi/

    - Sven

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  8. Maybe these videos will help
    https://www.youtube.com/user/23katied/videos
    There are 18 videos, watch them and implement.
    and also read this
    https://galeverhage.wordpress.com/

    Get well

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