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Monday, June 16, 2014

A Letter to my OCD

Dear OCD,
You have been part of my life now for 9 years.  I have such mixed feelings about you.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely can't stand you. You slowly crept into my life and were just a minor nuisance when you first appeared.  Through the years, you have completely entangled yourself into every aspect of my life, and really taken so much away from me.  You hover over me, over everything I do.  Constantly telling me what I have to do.  I don't even remember life without you anymore.  I hate you.   Every day you take another piece of my life and I can literally feel the energy being sucked out of me everyday.  You are relentless and you don't give up.  You have taken time and experiences away from me that I will never get back.  You have me left me socially isolated and depressed.  You have turned me into someone that I don't even know anymore. Someone who is scared to touch anything for fear of being contaminated.  Someone who spends her time and energy making sure there is perfect cleanliness of most things around her.  The truth is, I was doing just fine until you reared your ugly head.  I look back through pictures before you came along and I looked happy and relaxed.  I used to go eat at restaurants, go to movies, hang out with friends, touch/hug people, work and be in public, go to the lake, go swimming, take walks, go shopping, go to the park, touch whatever I wanted without really giving it a second thought.  To move freely about and feel comfortable in my own skin.  I used to go to the zoo, take vacations and visit family and friends.  Nowadays you force me to sit in my house most of the time, because it's the only place that feels "safe" to me.  I spend my time maintaining my clean zones and making sure that all of my clothing is perfectly clean.  I don't have time to do the things I want to do anymore, because I am constantly under your control.  "Go clean this, go clean that"--I'm sick of it!!  The constant what-if's.  The second guessing myself.  I heard someone say once that OCD is the worst betrayal of oneself, and it is true.  I hate what you have done to me.  I can't even trust if what I'm looking at is true anymore.  I am an intelligent person and perfectly capable of living my life without you.  So why, then, do I listen to you?  In some strange way, you make me feel safer.  The rituals make me feel safe and comfortable, even though I hate doing them.  And it feels comforting to feel safe, so I keep listening to you.  But the more I listen to you, the worse I get.  I hate how you've impacted my family too, that is one of the hardest parts.  I don't EVER want you to lay your hands on my daughter!  It already makes me sick inside what she endures because of what you've done to me.  You also keep me from having relationships with people around me.  And I wish they could understand that it's not me that wants it to be like this, it is YOU controlling me.  It is not my personality or me trying to be difficult.  It is you that controls me!  You are like a death grip, a vice around me.  I feel like you are quicksand and I'm constantly sinking.  Like I'm in a deep ocean, out in the middle, and struggling to keep my head above water.  Like I'm slowly drowning and suffocating.  And I hate what you do to everyone else that deals with  you too!  I have met so many great people that deal with YOU and I hate you for what you have done to their lives and families too.  You are a friend to no one, but yet for some reason those of us that have you in our lives can't get away from you.  You have a way of taking away the things that are most important in our lives....relationships with the people around us.  The ability to just feel comfortable and relaxed will never happen when you are lingering around. I don't want to listen to you anymore.  I am sick and tired of you controlling my life and of you telling me what I must do all of the time.  I want my life back, and as long as you are part of it--that will never happen.  If I keep listening to you, I am afraid that I will eventually get to the point where I can't leave my house at all. I will do whatever it takes to get rid of you once and for all.  I will post this letter around my house and in my car as a constant reminder of what all you have taken away from me.  I do not want to give into your demands anymore.  I do not want my daughter to develop OCD.  I want to be able to go out and do fun things with my daughter again.  I want to have a relationship with my husband.  I want to spend time with my family, parents, sister and relatives.  I want to take vacations again.  I want to just go out for a night on the town with my family and hang out.  I want to go out on dates with my husband.  To walk my dog like normal.  To go shopping or do whatever it is that I want to do out in public.  To be actively involved in church.  I want to come home and be relaxed and not worry about "decontaminating myself" everytime I leave the house.  These are all things that you've slowly taken away from me.  And there are plenty more too!  But wow--to feel free and comfortable again.  What does that even feel like?  It's been so long I can't even remember.  But guess what, OCD?  I AM going to find out.  You WILL be removed from my life, maybe never completely....but I will do whatever it takes to get rid of you enough to the point where I can get my life back.  I've already fought some battles against you.  I had given up the fight for a long time and you caused me to become even more depressed and spiral further downward.  I have been in a dark place for about a year now because of you....again, time I will never get back.  I lost the battle with you for a long time.  But in the last few weeks, I've discovered that I can beat you.  I can allow myself to not give into your demands. I can outsmart you.  I AM smarter than you are.  I may have a long road ahead of me, but I am on a start and that gives me hope that I can win the war against you.  So just go away and leave me and my family alone.  And take all your nasty clones with you that are ruining the lives of everyone else affected by you.  I can speak on behalf of every one of them...we are all sick of you!!!


  1. Great post.....I know you can get your life back from OCD!

  2. Thanks! I am sure going to try! :)

  3. inspired Thank you.....

    1. Thanks for reading! Best wishes in your fight against OCD.