I am really having a heck of a time lately. Have developed some new obsessions and I just can't get them out of my head. Sorry for the randomness of this particular post. It is going to be a collection of some new problems I've been having and some other things I've been avoiding.
I have developed a problem with using the toilet. I've never had this before. I noticed about a week ago when I was urinating, that a urine drop got on my upper back of my leg when I was using the toilet. Immediately I washed off that part of my leg with antibacterial soap and water, then dried it off and pulled my pants back up. I guess I didn't get all the water wiped away because then I had a wet spot on the back of my pants. In my mind I knew I had washed the urine off, and this was just water that soaked through my pants, but I could not get it out of my head. I had stuck in my mind that this was urine on my pants, I think I ended up changing into another pair. Every time I urinate now I notice that a tiny drop sometimes gets on the back of my leg. I squat over the toilet seat (I won't sit down, even in my own house) so I don't know if its just the way the urine is spraying out. Or maybe my urine stream just isn't coming out straight. So almost every time I urinate now, I am washing off the backs of my legs with soap and water. This kind of goes along with not liking a feeling of wetness. If I have something wet on me and I don't know what it is, I feel contaminated, like I need to change. I wash my hands before I use the bathroom, so sometimes when I pull my pants down to urinate it will transfer water onto my clothes (because I rarely dry my hands). Then I've got stuck in my head that it is urine again. I'm not sure what to do about this. I almost dread going to the bathroom because this has become another routine I have to use. Also not to be gross, and sorry if this is TMI, but when I have a stool I am worried that somehow the toilet water could splash on my clothes when the stool hits the water. So I kind of squat over the toilet again and as the stool comes out I move myself forward off the toilet to avoid getting any splashes. Sorry, that is gross, I know......
Another issue I've been having is we have a new puppy. Our dear labrador passed away last November due to leukemia, and we got another puppy about 2 months ago. I will post about our sweet lab in another post, because this is something I want to write about. Today I need to focus on the new puppy and how she is affecting me. She tends to jump up on furniture which bothers me because she runs around outside and since she pees and poops in the yard, I would think there would have to be remnants of that on her paws. Also she tends to drag things behind the couch that my daughter and I sit on, and sometimes my husband will try to fish her out of the back of the couch and in the process he puts his hand on the back of the couch cushion (where our backs/heads rest). This bothers me immensely because his hands are a huge trigger for me. So I don't think he ever gets up in the middle of the night to let her outside, but I will ask him sometimes in the morning. He usually gets irritated with me. If I don't feel comfortable with his answer, and let's face it, usually I just feel more comfortable if I clean the couch anyway. I wipe the couch down with antibacterial soap and water a couple of times a day usually, just so I know my daughter and I are sitting on a clean couch.
Also I've been having a lot of problems with separating my clothes into "outside clothes" and "inside clothes' anymore. I know that a lot of people with OCD do this, and certain clothing is designated to wear outside or in public. Other clothes are only to be worn inside. I have definitely started doing this lately. I used to be able to wear my PJ pants to take my daughter to school, then come inside and sit on my couch. Now I feel that once my pants have been in my car or "outside of my house", that they are considered outside clothes. I especially have this problem with pants and I don't know why. When I get home from the store or going out for any reason, I will hang those pants on a hanger in the closet for the next time (usually outside pants get a couple of wears before they are washed, because they are dirty anyway). Then I put my clean indoor clothes on before I can sit on the couch. Also with my daughter I have her save her PJ pants from the night before. Then when she gets home from school in the afternoon I have her do the same thing with her jeans...hang them up, and put her PJ pants on. Then she usually wears layers to school. So she takes off her top layer and then has a clean shirt under that, so I feel we are clean to sit on the couch.
My grandma had her 85th birthday party this last weekend. My parents had our extended family over to their house for dinner and a get together. I had to work that day and I avoid social gatherings like crazy anymore. I told my mom that we would try to stop by after work, and of course we didn't, and I haven't even talked to her since and it has been a few days. I feel really bad. There are a lot of things about that situation that bothered me, and so I avoided as usual. First of all there would be small children there, which are a trigger for me. My niece and my cousins kids. I always worry about them having colds or viruses and not wanting to catch anything. I also don't like to hug people or sit on others couches, so I knew that whatever I wore over there would then be contaminated and ruined and I would have to throw itaway. I've been throwing away so much clothing lately, that I really don't have anything to spare to throw out. I am also tired of buying new clothing all the time. Also I don't like eating at family gatherings, but I haven't done that for so long, my mom just knows by now that I won't be coming to eat. Not even for holidays, I won't eat at gatherings. Again, I've never told my parents about my OCD. I imagine they think it is odd that I don't go to some gatherings and never eat at their house, and I am always asking if my niece is going to be there and she knows that if anyone has colds/viruses, we won't be coming. They have no idea the degree of the problem though, or that it has a name...OCD, which encompasses much more than being germaphobic.
Also I was expecting a package from a clothing store the other day and it was set to arrive on a Saturday when I was working. I gave directions to my daughter that if the package came to our doorstep that she was to go get it and put it away in the spare bedroom. I didn't want my husband touching the package or else it would be contaminated in my mind, and I wouldn't be able to wear any of the clothing. I didn't want to take the time to return it all to the store and then rebuy it online, so I really wanted this package drop-off to work out. When I left for work I reminded my daughter and my husband became irate with me. Didn't understand why I didn't want him touching the package. He commented that people in "third world countries and the postman could handle the stuff, so why couldn't he?" I don't think he understands that he is a trigger for me and his hands are a big trigger. Anything that his hands touch is contaminated to me, and I don't know how to get him to understand that. I buy clothing online often anymore because then I don't have to worry about watching the clerk at the store handling my clothes. As I mentioned in a previous post I had a hard time with a certain set of clothes the other week. I have had other similar instances too. I had a bunch of stuff at a store one day about a month ago and I got up to check out and the only cashier there kept coughing and coughing. Granted she coughed into her sleeve, but I know when clerks fold the clothes to bag them, they often end up brushing the new clothes against their own clothes. And I couldn't stand the thought of what would then be on my newly purchased clothes, so I left the store without buying anything. When I buy online, at least I don't have to see any of that and my mind doesn't wander, so its easier that way.
I had to buy a new pair of shoes yesterday because my tennis shoe and possibly my jeans brushed up against my husbands dirty pair of work shoes in our laundry room. It made me so mad because I was trying to take the garbage outside and our puppy kept following me. He wasn't doing a good job of getting her out of the laundry room (I didn't want her to run outside), so I had to turn around real fast and I know my shoe made full contact with his work shoe, and like I said possibly the bottom of my jeans. Those shoes are worn for working for him (dirty work) and he also used them recently during a dry wall project so the shoes look covered in drywall powder. Well I knew I couldn't wear the shoes again and the jeans bothered me too, so I threw my jeans in my "discard pile"--the only pair I have left that fits me, and bought a new pair of shoes last night. Now I have one pair of jeans currently that is too big. I have lost about 5 # recently with the OCD because I'm not eating well or taking care of myself well. Now I need to add another pair of jeans to my list to buy.
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