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Monday, March 3, 2014

Sharing details of OCD with my husband

****This has been in draft since October of last year.  Posting today so I can start blogging again frequently.  I plan on updating very soon.

So several weeks ago I shared my last post with my husband.  We've had a lot of issues in our marriage and we are really struggling in our relationship right now.  We have been for years.  I think I've mentioned before that I told him I had OCD almost 2 years ago.  I asked him to come to a therapy appointment with me and we talked about it a bit at that time.  I shared with him some information that "scratched the surface" at that time, but I walked away from that experience not really feeling like he understood any better what OCD is and how it affects me.  Since my OCD has gotten so much worse I felt like I really need to share with him all the details of what I have, so we sat down one night and I tried to explain OCD--what it is, the different forms of it, how it affects me and some examples of things that bother me.  I really got into a lot of details about it, hoping that the more information/details he knew, then perhaps the better he could understand.  Especially when situations come up that involve my OCD, he could possibly take a step back and say "Oh, okay, I get this now".....maybe I was hoping for too much.  Maybe I laid out too MUCH information for him.  All I know is that I went through massive information with him, read him my last post of how this journey has progressed, and he really didn't have a whole lot to say.  I'm not sure what I was looking for.  Actually I do.....I was looking for some compassion, some empathy perhaps.  What I got was a few basic questions about things, like "You really can't tell the garage door is down even when you are looking at it?", he said he was interested by that.  It was discouraging, because after all I had released...and it was quite a lot...that was what stuck out in his mind??!!!  At the very end of the conversation he kind of asked me more about treatment and what I planned on doing about it.  That is really it.  It is really hard for me to open up to him anymore.  I just don't feel the support from him.  Sometimes I question if it was a good idea for me to open up that much....I kind of wish I hadn't said everything I did.  But in the end, I'm glad I did.  All I can do is be as honest as I can about the situation.  And I really was, except I didn't get into every issue--especially the laundry, food issues, and him home when I'm not home-- which are actually three of the four biggest issues I have right now.  Now that know that he knows all of this stuff, I guess it is not my responsibility how he reacts to it.
We had our first "test" though a few weeks ago, right after this conversation.  Our washing machine broke and he had to fix it.  Unfortunately I was not home when the fixing was going on, and I was at work.  This bothers me immensely because I have no idea what he is doing with the washer and about a hundred possibilities of what he could have done start to run through my head.  I didn't want any parts laying on the garage floor, I don't want tools in the washing machine tub, I don't want chemicals/products put anywhere on or in the washing machine, the thought of their dirty  hands taking every piece apart really bother me.  I really wanted to know step by step how he fixed this, so that I could "restore" the washing machine back to where I felt comfortable using it again.  Fortunately I knew this fixing was going to be coming up, so I did loads and loads of laundry trying to "stock up" so that I could run sanitary cycle after sanitary cycle for a day or two after he had fixed it.  I tried asking him the other day how he fixed it and we got into another huge argument. This is what gets so frustrating to me.  I don't like having to ask all of the questions, but that is what I need to do at this point in order get reassurance about what was done.  I need to know what all was done, that is part of the OCD.

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