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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

When you are paralyzed with fear...

Today something happened that has the potential to completely kick my OCD up another notch...a major notch.  Right now I am paraylzed with fear.  For those that have OCD, you can probably attest to the fact that there are usually certain situations that happen that raise the OCD up another notch.  I have had a few over the years.  Today I ran out of gas in my car for the first time ever.  I am 36 years old and have never ran out of gas.  I happened to be honestly right outside of my husbands work when it happened, on the way to the gas station and it ran out 1 block before I got to the gas station.  I called my husband from my car.  What I wanted was for him to come outside and help me.  That did not happen at first.  I ended up going to the gas station by myself, ran in and got a gas container and filled it up outside.  I carried it back to my car and was trying to get the gas in my car, when a bunch came pouring out onto my right hand (my dominant hand) and possibly some on my clothing.  I'm not talking a few drops, I am talking about 1/2 gallon probably.  It was literally on my skin and I could smell the horrible smell and it was making my skin tingle with a burning feeling.  My mind just went into immediate panic.  For someone with contamination issues with chemicals, this is a nightmare.  I ran up to my husbands work to see if I could use the bathroom and the doors were locked.  So I ran up to the gas station again, but probably 5-10 minutes had passed from the time I spilled it to the time I got to the bathroom sink.  During that time, I saw my husband come out and I was literally running away trying to get to the gas station bathroom.  When I came back he wasn't outside anymore.  I washed my hands constantly for 5 minutes.  I honestly would have stood there and washed for longer, but I knew I needed to get home b/c something was going to need to be done about my clothing and I didn't know what I needed to do, but I knew I needed to get home.  Here is how OCD works:  my day stopped at the point where I spilled gas on my hand.  I couldn't think of anything else.  I knew I wanted to get this all documented and before that I took a shower a very special way, and now all I want to do is get off the computer and go wash my hands again...for a LONG time.  I know logically that anything on the surface of my skin has been washed off, but I can not get it off my mind.  All I can think about is how gas could be trapped in my hands or somehow getting into my body.  I don't want to touch anything because I'm afraid I will contaminate everything with my hands.  I was scared to take a shower because I didn't want to use my hand to soap off the rest of my body.  I knew that the gas could not have gotten up in my hair  so I didn't wash my hair.  I didn't even know how I would have, if I had to.  I took a couple of soapy cloths, stepped in the shower and soaped my body off and rinsed, so I never had to directly touch my skin with my hands.  I am scared to touch my clothing or anything in my house for fear of contaminating so I put some plastic gloves on and am now typing as I'm wearing the gloves.  I need to go put laundry in and I guess I will just wear my gloves to handle the clothes, so I don't ruin anything.  Right now the clothes I wore when the gas spilled on me are sitting in a pile on the floor.  I don't know what to do with them.  I want to throw them away.  My OCD mind is telling me to throw everything away that I was wearing....undergarments, clothes, socks.  I know that gas didn't get on everything, but I'm afraid if it did, then it could go into the washer and contaminate everything else that it gets washed with or just contaminate the washer itself, and then I would be afraid to wash anything after that.  I honestly think I will just throw them out to give into the OCD.  It's easier that way.  I don't know how to deal with it otherwise.  I don't know how I'm going to prepare food tonight.  I don't want to touch anything with my hands.  I guess we'll have to go out to eat...which I don't like to do with my OCD.  I don't know how I'll wash my hair tonight when I take my normal shower tonight.  My head is spinning right now.  My husband just says oh its not a big deal.  I called Poison Control, they said to wash it off ONCE.....ha!  I probably have washed my hands 20 times already after this and I'm not even close to being done.  The issue is I can't do anything more about it right now.  That is the part that is driving me crazy.  It's already happened and I've done everything I can to get it off my skin, but I can't stop thinking about.  That is OCD.  My brain cannot get past that.

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