My family has been in lockdown, staying home now, for 4 1/2 weeks. Everyone in my family has been home together 24/7 with the exception of I go to get our grocery store pick up once per week, and my husband goes out occasionally to the farm just for a change of pace. I am starting to feel much more anxious this past week. Last Monday on 3/30, I was laid off from my job where I worked as a nurse for the past 19 1/2 years. It was a complete surprise. The president of our clinic held a virtual meeting at 5:00 reporting that "tremendous cuts would be made in staff", and we each got our individual letter (yes, letter, how inappropriate) around 8pm. I was blindsided to open mine and see that my position had been cut. In fairness, all part time and casual employees were cut, but it was still quite a shock. So, I had to report to work the next day (which was very difficult after getting no sleep the night before), and now I have been off work for the past week. I filed for unemployment, which I never thought in a million years I would have to do as a nurse. It looks like we'll be okay money wise. There are a lot of good policies/laws in place right now for the unemployed laid off as a result of COVID. It is possible, actually quite realistic, that I could recover all of my income (possibly even make more than I did weekly) over at least the next 4 months. That gives time for my clinic to recover, and hopefully I can be re-hired back there by the end of the summer. I was very angry and frustrated at first, but now I'm feeling much more at peace. This pandemic has really done a number on my mental/emotional health, and maybe me not working right now is exactly what I need. Maybe I just need to be the person in my home that takes care of picking up the groceries, ordering supplies, cooking all 3 meals every day. It also opens up many hours during the day to take care of myself, which I have neglected to do for a long time. I have been able to start exercising and having much more down time, which really helps. The downside to having more free time on my hands, is that every time I turn on the TV or open up Facebook, that is all I see is COVID coverage/news. I have to be careful how much I read/watch, as this increases my anxiety immensely.
This week is projected to be the worst week for the city of New York. The deaths keep rising. I keep seeing videos/pictures of bogged down hospitals, and infected people. They seem to keep focusing on the worst part of it. But occasionally I do see some survivor stories, and it is refreshing to see the stories of people pulling together in their community. Those at home making masks for those on the front line. People recognizing that grocery store workers, for one example, are incredible heroes right now too. Putting themselves at risk every day to be around the general public, and ensure that people get their food/supplies. Truck workers, that work night/day to deliver those items to the stores. People offering to strangers to go get groceries for them (especially elderly and high risk people).
And it never stops amazing me, how much more contaminated the world is becoming to everyone now. The public is becoming just like us with OCD. The things that we have done for years (which others find irrational and extreme, and to be fair/honest, usually are), but now the general public is participating in these things with us. And no one finds them extreme. The government/experts are even recommending many of these things. There are so many videos on how to properly disinfect groceries. Some new things happening this week: the CDC has now recommended masks or face coverings for the public. Grocery stores are putting in one way arrows down each aisle to help promote social distancing. Several big-box stores are liming the amount of people that can be in a store at a given time. Some cities in France are no longer allowing people to walk outside from 10am-7pm. And the comments on Facebook as to how people are dealing with this: one lady writes that she sprays her shoes with disinfectant, throws all of her clothes along with her mask in the washer, then goes and washes her hands. Another person dipping their shoes in bleach, wipes off all their doorknobs that they used to get through the house. Another person brushing their teeth after they are out in public. Disinfecting their eyeglasses after they were out at the grocery store. Our daily normal has now become society's normal (and furthermore, the encouraged normal). Which begs the question, how are those of us with OCD able to differentiate how this works, how is this stuff considered okay at this point in time but it is irrational in our daily lives? Because all of this decontaminating behavior that everyone is doing now is directly related to a threat. A very serious threat. It is trying to do everything in our power to control not getting this virus. It is the fear/anxiety of getting this virus that is controlling how people behave.
I am concerned how people in the midst of ERP (exposure and response prevention) therapy are supposed to continue treatment during this time. We can't suddenly not wash our hands. We can't suddenly not decontaminate things. Especially when the world is now doing these things. I am still managing pretty similar at home right now, to how I usually manage my OCD. Other than the fact that I am handwashing quite a bit more still, especially after handling items in my pantry/fridge. I'm still very isolated staying at home, so the threat of actually being exposed to someone with the virus is very low. Since masks are being recommended now for the general public, I do plan on wearing one when I do my next grocery pick up order tomorrow. I have not worn one, up to this point. I have had no contact with anyone in the general public (outside my own immediate family), other than grocery store pick up.
This quarantined lockdown is really starting to become taxing. I need to start finding some sort of daily schedule, so that I'm not just looking over my newsfeed and refreshing it constantly. As I've said before numerous times on this blog it is very ,very difficult for me to be around my husband in a "normal situation" (whatever that is anymore). Being around him 24/7 for one month now has become almost unbearable at times. I will say that he has been very supportive of my losing my job. It has been other things, that have been difficult. I am used to being here in the house by myself during the week, and now I'm trying to manage cooking/laundry/house cleaning all while he is downstairs. He comes up frequently during the course of each day, and many times I've been in the middle of doing something to realize he is upstairs. My OCD has never trusted him in the house and I am always worried he will get into my "safe zones", so I've basically been having to plant myself on the couch all of the time while he is here, just so I know what he's doing/where he's going. When he takes off for the farm a couple of hours each day, is when I have a little freedom to do what I want (go sit on our deck is usually what I do).
In summary, I am feeling much more anxious and down this week. I am starting to really worry how long it is going to be before we find "normal" again. Most experts believe we will never be back to normal until a vaccine is available to the public. With my OCD, will I feel comfortable taking a vaccine? Probably not one like this that was mass produced and developed rather quickly, and has no long term studies. Will I be holed up here for the rest of my life? Will this be our new normal for the next few months? years? As introverted as I am, I have found I really do enjoy some socialization with the public. I like going down my street and chatting a few minutes with a few of my neighbors. I like being out at the store and just browsing and not having to worry about a pandemic.
I think that the general public may be able finally understand what people with OCD/anxiety live with every day. Sometimes I'm not even sure that my OCD/anxiety feels as high right now, as someone that previously hasn't dealt with these issues. I think a lot of this is because I am still in major self isolation mode and "protected" from the world. I think my OCD will either take one drastic turn or another, when this is over. Either it's going to draw me further into OCD and isolation, feeling that my obsessions/compulsions really are necessary and keeping me safe. OR....what I'm hoping will happen is the second option. Maybe, just maybe, I will find that the world we lived in prior to COVID-19, wasn't really that contaminated. Maybe the stuff I was doing wasn't necessary. Maybe there wasn't harm in every day life. Prayers to you all as this continues to unfold.
