I have been continuing to truck along with working on things this spring. One of my main goals currently is working on laundry routines, and finding a way to spend less time with the washing machine. I am a suds lover. I love to see suds in the washer and that is how I feel my clothes are getting clean. Because we have an HE washer, this creates a problem. For awhile, I was using WAY, WAY too much detergent in the wash. This was great, in the sense that I felt my clothes were very clean, but created a huge problem in another sense that the clothes would take so, so long to rinse out. I would often times be running an extra rinse cycle 7-8 times after each load of laundry, just until the water was clear. Because, of course, I didn't want detergent left in my clothes because that would cause an OCD problem with chemicals being left in my clothes. It has taken me a long time to be able to find a level of detergent I am comfortable with, that requires only a couple of extra rinses per cycle. I would still ideally like to see myself using a little less as I move forward, so that when the cycle dings done--it really is done. It is getting easier, I must say. I have probably cut down on detergent by about 30-40% right now, and I am still titrating down, so my goal is to be there within another month or so. It will be so great to be able to run a normal wash cycle and have a load done in about an hour, as opposed to the 3-4 hours it took at one point). Seriously, I was spending about 4 hours of my day just re-rinsing clothes (because I do on average 2-3 loads/day). I have bought some clothes off the rack this spring (still won't try them on at a store), instead of buying everything online. I have been eating with my hands again (this is a big one!). When my hands were covered in warts (because they were so irritated and unhealthy from the frequent handwashing), I stopped doing anything with my hands. That was another significant downfall for me. My hands used to look most OCD sufferers (that deal with contamination). It looked like I soaked my hand to my wrist in red-koolaid. Everything from my wrist up was healthy, fleshy skin. The hands were horrific. Red, dry, painful, cracked, deep cracks that would bleed. I rarely have cracks on my hands anymore, and my hands are typically a normal color now, although they are still dryer than normal. This is a huge difference for me, and I believe the healthier skin is what finally fought off the warts. I have just a couple of spots, teeny little pinpricks on my hand which I feel are teeny warts, but you wouldn't notice them if you looked at my hands. I feel better now about using my hands to eat. I've been trying to eat most finger foods with my hands over the last couple of weeks, which will also help me out when we need to go to a restaurant for some reason. I typically avoided that, or I just wouldn't eat because I didn't want to use the silverware. Now, I know I can just order a burger or sandwich and eat with my hands. So, I feel like these steps I have been making have been working to get me somewhere here.
My main issue still, is with my husband. Why am I having such a hard time with him? Moreso now, I am feeling super mentally stressed and burdened by the weight of my relationship with him...if you can call it that. We really don't even have a relationship. I felt like I have been working really hard at trying to improve my OCD, and I have done so much better in so many areas. But, the one area that I repeatedly make no progress in is my relationship with him...at least not feeling like he is contaminated. I'm having a really rough time. These past few months that he has commuted to his job (and been gone every single work day for about 10 hours), I have been doing so much better. But I wonder, is part of that just the fact that I feel more freedom with him being gone all day? Is it because I can make appointments and leave during the day and not worry that he will come home? I can go get groceries and not worry that he will come home? I can talk the dog for a walk and not worry that he will come home? I can do my laundry without worry that he will come home? See the pattern here. I think this is part of it. Sometimes he works from home, and that completely throws my day off. I think another reason that I'm having such a hard time with him, is that he is still not willing to bend in any direction to help us have any sort of relationship together. He doesn't have the best hygiene, and you might say he tends to run on the other end of the spectrum. I feel like he is contaminated, because a lot of the things that he does. He sometimes goes a few days without showering (especially on the weekends), his shower that he uses is covered in black mold and he refuses to clean it. His bedroom truly smells and he has dirty clothes laying all over the floors and beds, along with full trash bags of trash (that have been sitting there for months). If you're reading this post and new to my blog for the first time, we don't share a bedroom or bathroom fortunately. His sheets have had blood, from a cut, on them for months (I can't even get to the sheets to wash them, because of how filthy his bedroom is). These are just a few examples. I would have hoped that he would have cleaned up the legitimate things that needed cleaning, but he refuses to do it. And this makes me angry, because I have worked so hard to bend myself in the opposite direction to work on exposures, and would be willing to work on those things to improve our relationship. He also is just very detached and emotionally distant in general. He is prone to irritability, and I think this makes me feel unhappy in the marriage. I also think that our marriage (even without the OCD included) is so dysfunctional and unhealthy, that I feel mentally drained when I am around him. When I get up in the morning (and I know he has left for work), I almost feel a weight has been removed my chest. For the next 10 hours, I can just relax, until he comes home. I think it is a combination of all of these things, that is bothering me.
I am still trying to improve my health in other aspects too. I haven't been doing the greatest at exercising, and I can tell that I feel worse because of that. I am trying to eat better currently, adding more fruits and vegetables into my diet. It is also influenza season, and this is always a trigger for me. Historically, I have a much harder time with my OCD in the spring because of the flus that go around. I feel myself much more on edge when I am out and about. The toll that my marriage takes on me, leaves me feeling like I mentally and emotionally start slipping. The good news is that I am aware of this, so I am very on guard as to it being a trigger. I know it's dangerous when I start feeling that slide, because I've spiraled down before. Just got to keep climbing the ladder, and getting back up again.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Setting some long term goals...
Fear. Isn't that the drive with OCD? Fear and uncertainty. Having to eliminate all of the doubt we possibly can, in order to feel as certain as we can. But the issue lies in that we can't be certain. We won't ever have certainty. No matter how much avoidance or compulsions we engage in, we are allowing ourselves freedom for a short period of time, but we are actually allowing our world to get smaller and smaller. Our OCD prison walls to hold us in. As hard as OCD exposures are, they are the only way to get out of this OCD prison. It doesn't matter if we fail some of the exposures, but we have got to start trying. As we can prove to our OCD that we are stronger, we will eventually start to win. It IS scary. And we think that we can not possibly do it, but we can. And we HAVE to, to get out of this. There is no shortcut, there is no magical pill unfortunately. The exposures are what will work. I can honestly say that I have never regretted an exposure. Some of them have been easier, some have been incredibly difficult. The anticipation is always the worst though, seriously. Most of my bigger exposures are the ones that have moved me forward leaps and bounds. It's not the little stuff we do (although that will be better than nothing), it's the big stuff. Bringing us back to a world that isn't as consumed by OCD. Bringing us closer to where we want to be. I don't want to live in fear for the rest of my life. I don't want OCD to win. I do have legitimate fears (and if you have OCD, you should too) about continuing to spend the rest of my life consumed by this. If we aren't fighting against our OCD, if we aren't doing the hard stuff, then we will likely be in this exact place next year (and possibly even worse). That is scary. Don't let yourself be run over by this disease. I know it feels hopeless sometimes and I know it is so, so overwhelming. There is no one to talk to most of the time that understands what you are going through. But I promise you, you can start taking steps to get your life back. You CAN do this. If you have no one to support you or you want someone to talk to, just ask me. I don't have my email address posted on my blog, but I am happy to give it to someone that wants to talk. I am no professional therapist by any means, but I have a pretty good knowledge base about OCD and experience it myself everyday. Sometimes just talking with someone that "gets it" can help.
But if getting out of this OCD is what I am striving toward, I need to start thinking in a bigger context. Not just how am I going to get through this day? or this appointment? or this exposure? But looking ahead to a time that hopefully doesn't include OCD, and what do I do to get there? In constructing my self guided ERP program, I center mostly on my short term goals. Such as"what do I want to work on this week?". Through the month of January, I had been working on some of my laundry issues. I'm trying to cut down on the amount of detergent I am using for each load of laundry. Finding that balance to where I'm comfortable that there are suds in the clothes and they are getting clean vs. making sure they are not oversudsed to where I need to add on multiple extra rinse cycles to get the detergent out of the clothes. It is a work in progress, but it is getting better. I am still trying to combine certain types of clothes together again. I am doing on average 6-7 loads of laundry per week (all single washed). Compared to 13-15 loads that were double washed even just a year ago, that is pretty good I think! I have also been working on just feeling better physically, and for me a big piece of that has been exercise. I used to do a fair amount of exercise back in my teens and early twenties, and I must say that I felt much better mentally then too. Exercise is a great way to help manage stress and a mood enhancer. Gotta love those "feeling good" chemicals your body emits along with exercise. I've been trying to do some cardio/dancing/power walking, alternated with weights and stretching my body. My body is so tight anymore, everywhere. It has really hurt to start stretching, but I can't wait to start feeling better!
I thought it would be a great time to look ahead to some longer term goals for this summer, to make sure that my short terms goals are in alignment with where I'm ultimately hoping to get. My daughter and I both love to swim. We have both really enjoyed joining the club during the summers past, but unfortunately the severity of my OCD put a damper on that the last 2 years. In fact, the summer of 2014 we mostly spent indoors. Hardly ever got out. I remember just being outside made me feel contaminated. Last summer, in 2015, we did quite a few activities and I had few problems going outside, but still we were not able to get to the pool. This year I am very intent on making this happen. Even if we only join for a month, I want to get there and enjoy the water and do this thing we so much enjoy together. In order for me to get to the pool this summer, a few things need to happen. First of all, I need to start conquering the concern about my car seat and not feeling like I need to wash it off everytime I sit somewhere in public. It is not necessary to wipe my car seat down after I sit in a public chair. Why do I feel I need to do this? It would not be enjoyable to feel that I need to wipe my car seat off every single day after we've been at the pool. I need to start slowly working on this, so that hopefully by this summer..my car seat can just be as it is, and no need to wipe off. Going swimming makes it more difficult though, because I think of being in the chlorinated water and wearing sunscreen (chemicals) and then I will feel that is all over my carseat and I know I will have the worry that there are chemicals on my car seat and they are getting over my clean clothes every time I get in there. Going to the pool also creates more laundry, as then there are bathing suits and beach towels to be washed (because I know I can't use the club provided towels). I need to keep working on lessening my time doing laundry, as I don't want to feel overwhelmed when I have more loads to add on top of everything, every week. One of the biggest things that has prevented me from joining the pool as of recent, is that I am worried that my husband will come home unexpectedly from work during the day (while we are at the pool), and then he will be there by himself and I can't tolerate that feeling. Because of his current job and his commuting, this should be easier for me this summer. He works so far from home that he never comes home randomly during the day. In theory, I should be able to comfortably leave the house during the day and we should be able to make all kinds of day trips (zoo, library, park) without worry of him coming home. Ultimately, of course, I would like to not have to worry about him coming home in general. It would be so freeing to feel like I could leave the house anytime and not give a darn about what he is doing at home. But of course, I am so far from that right now....because he is so contaminated to me.
So, the pool is kind of a longer term goal, as far as a few months out. I would also like to be able to go paddle boating at the state park this summer again. We did that a few years ago and we really enjoyed it, but of course the concern for me again is wearing the lifejackets that never got washed, that are all just strung on a rope at the paddleboat station, that numerous people have worn. Also feeling again like my clothes are dirty after wearing the lifejacket, and then feeling like I'm contaminating my carseat and wanting to wash that off and wash my clothes separately. See the pattern here? The feeling of contamination just sucks the fun out of it. Sometimes, I watch others around me, of course because most of the general population does not have OCD. I watch their movements, and I think how nice it would be to not have concern about these types of things. For instance, I went to my doctor the other day. I don't like sitting in waiting rooms, I don't like sitting in public chairs. I don't like being in a doctors office where people might have been coughing or there are germs around. I watched a young man sitting in a chair, with work clothes on (overalls and a heavy work jacket). His clothes were visibly stained, with what I'm not sure. Then I think to myself that is what my OCD is always worried about in public...who sat here? what were they wearing? There is no way to know of course, so my OCD deems it dirty and contaminated. I watched him get called back, and then a few minutes later a woman came and sat in the same spot. And she will not worry about this, most likely. She will not be concerned with who was sitting there before she was. She will not give it any thought in her day. She will likely go home and wear those same clothes on her own couch. But I will not. I will go home and have a whole routine of things I do to avoid getting the waiting room germs in my house, and I will wash my clothes separately because they are contaminated, and I don't want it to spread to my other clothes. I still have a long ways to go, guys. But this does seem to be my main issue. And I still feel like I am doing a TON better now than I was a couple of years ago. I can see it in my day to day life. It's just that these types of things throw me off, and it shouldn't have to be like that.
For longer term goals, of course I still think YEARS down the road. I will address that in a separate post sometime, but basically I don't want this OCD to be consuming me if I am blessed to have grandchildren someday. I don't want my daughter to feel contaminated to me, when she doesn't live at home someday. When she is out on her own, doing her own laundry and coming over. I am terrified of that, and I absolutely have to start thinking years ahead, so that I can keep getting out of this now, while I am feeling stronger than my OCD sometimes. If I have grandchildren I don't want to feel like they are dirty, that I have to change my clothes or shower after I hold them. Again, I will save this for another post, because this is a lot to explore, and definitely something I want to explore.
For an update on how the exposures with my hubby are going....well, unfortunately they are not going at all. I made some decisions this year that I am going to keep trying to be the healthiest me that I can be. I have come to the realization that his attitude toward me is unlikely to change. The situation is what it is. I was hoping that my hubby would try to understand a little more of what I was going through. I was hoping that as he saw me able to conquer many other OCD problems, that he would be willing to help me in doing some exposures with him. But he will just not communicate about anything about it. I really don't know what more I can do in this situation. Sometimes I feel myself mentally slipping because of the marriage problems, and this is I believe what caused my severe descent into OCD about 2 years ago. I just can not let that happen again. I have worked so, so hard to get to where I am today. I feel like I am at about point P, on the scale from A to Z. If A was my most severe OCD, and Z is where I ultimately want to get with the OCD. Then yes, I am at a P. And that is really incredible I think. I have no plans on backtracking, so I just have to keep pulling myself out of the mud, one step at a time. Because I so badly want to get to point Z. I want this OCD out. I have to start working on bigger things.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
My Goals for 2016 (and what I accomplished OCD-wise in 2015)
I really think this was a good year for me. Not a lot of organization to this post, but I just wanted to summarize what I was able to kick in regard to OCD, and my goals for next year. 2 years ago, I honestly considered myself at almost extreme OCD, to the point where it was very difficult to function in daily life. I avoided everything and felt as if the world was contaminated. I was very depressed, which I feel contributed greatly to my downward spiral with OCD. It has taken me a couple of years to get to where I am at now, backtracking through severe OCD, and to what I would consider now to be moderate. This means that OCD is still very much affecting my life though. I'm not out of the woods here by any means, but I have improved greatly. And today I want to celebrate that. Thus, the picture alongside. It's never too late to change your life. No matter how bad your OCD is, I promise it is not too late to change things and get better.
Some of the things I was able to do this year:
--washed contaminated clothes again and wore them (even very higly contaminated situations)
--doing better with my dog in general
--a lot better with eating in general, eating things even after I feel something unsanitary has happened (people touching the donuts at the bakery, workers with cuts on their hands that I know are making my food, sandwich shop workers touching their clothes/hats with gloved hands while making my sandwich). It's not completely gone, I still notice things. They don't bother me as much anymore, and I am really happy with where I am at with this. I have eaten a lot of different foods over the past few months that I've avoided for a long time. I've even put on 10 pounds, which I needed.
--basically obliterated my work/magical thinking/charting issues 99%
--was able to stop turning off toilets in the house while I did laundry
-was able to purposely flush main bathroom toilet while laundry was going even with urine, and stool in it
--saw my niece for the first time in 20 months (big one here)
--attended my high school reunion this summer
--attended several family events over the past year
--washed clothes even though there was likely dog poop on them
--started using chemicals again to clean with
--had surgery despite major contamination issues
--had a colonoscopy (same issues as surgery)
--started taking 2 new medications
--took antibiotics for the first time in 10 years
--got my car contaminated by a mechanic
--allowed my daughter to go to a friends house
--allowed my husband to contaminate one of my outfits
--only washing my couch off 1-2 times/week, instead of every day
--starting wearing makeup and hairspray again
--started getting my hair cut and highlighted again
--was able to get in dirty situations, such as clearing out a storage room in my basement
--little problems anymore after cleaning up after my dog's vomit
There are many more examples, but these are just a few. Sometimes I'm not sure how much progress I'm really making, but I am doing better. I know it! And here are some of the things I want to keep onor start working on in 2016:
--not washing my carseat off after sitting in public places
--stop washing the couch entirely
--really try to stop keeping "safe zones" in my house
--reduce handwashing further
--get back to church every week
--purposely doing my laundry when my husband is home
--allow all of my "outdoor clothes" to become contaminated
My laundry issues are kind of complicated. Honestly, a lot of my issues still revolve around using too much detergent probably in the washing machine. Then it takes several rinse cycles to get them clean. And because I keep my laundry separated into all sorts of loads, this makes for way too much time still spent doing laundry. Although I have come a long way from double or even triple washing every load (ugh, hard to believe but true). Laundry should be a simple thing..in the washer, and out. And for me, that is not the case. I really need to work on this stuff, one item at a time.
--join a club this summer, so my daughter and I can go swimming (I really hope to be able to do this, this coming summer. I was not able to do this in 2015 yet)
--allow my daughter to spend even more time at her friends houses
I still have issues in all my main categories: Laundry, clothing contamination, dog, husband, handwashing, safe zones, and eating. I am going to work really hard in 2016, one item at a time, although some things are bound to get better in other areas as I work on each thing. I am choosing to knock out my laundry issues next. I plan on putting together a plan in the next week and finish these laundry problems out hopefully in a couple of months total. Stay tuned!
Also, there are some other non-OCD issues I would like to work on. I feel like I've made some steps to help myself become more physically healthy this year. I am hoping to continue trying to eat better, getting more exercise, getting out in the sunshine as much as possible, I would like to work toward spending more time with extended family and friends, getting back to church. and spending more time cooking and making meals (instead of eating out so much). I want to spend more time in prayer, reading the Bible, and practicing positivity. I have felt so down the last couple of years, part of this is because of the OCD, but part of this is because of the relationship I have with my husband. I have to start accepting the fact that his attitude may never change toward me. He continues to be distant and emotionally unavailable, and the truth is that I just don't see that changing soon. I want to be happier even with those circumstances. If the end result is still a poorly communicative relationship, then I want to just accept that basically, and still learn to be a happy person. Does that make sense?
No matter how bad your OCD is, it can get better. I never thought I would be able to do the majority of things above, and now I do most of them with no or little problems. As I've said though, I still have a long ways to go. But, progress is progress. I am happy to celebrate any progress, getting out of this disorder. Please, please know that you can also fight against this disorder, no matter how bad your OCD is. It seems like it will never get better, and it seems like a losing battle. But the great news is that ERP can really help us, and it does. It will truly start changing your life!
Happy New Year, and it is my hope that all of us with OCD will break free of this disease. One step, one exposure at a time.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Christmas Get-Togethers...A Success!
In this struggle to get out of OCD one step at a time, I find myself comparing how I was at "x" time, versus how I am now in certain situations, to get a better feel for how I am progressing with my self-directed ERP treatment. 2 years ago, in 2013, I had great difficulty in attending any family get togethers. This went on for an entire year, where I basically avoided every single family gathering for fear or some type of contamination, mostly revolving my clothing. Last year, I still had difficulties, but forced myself to go. This year, things were quite a a bit better. I saw my niece for the first time in 20 months. That is a really big deal. It's been awhile since I've seen my sister too. I feel horrible saying this but, truthfully, this was the biggest concern I had about getting together with my family for Christmas. I didn't want my sister or my niece touching me, or hugging me. They seem more contaminated to me than the rest of my family. I thought we would be okay at first, but as the day progressed she would come up to me a few times and put her hands on me or want a hug. Things like that. I didn't hug her. I couldn't. I kind of put my hands on her arms and just smiled at her, but I did not want her to touch me. I kind of sat with my hands in my lap, not touching, anything, until I could get a chance to go wash them. Toward the end of the afternoon though, she had touched me. Really, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I still feel like my clothes are dirty though, and that is what I want to work toward in 2016. Once I got past the initial hugs with my family, and could just sit there and socialize and not worry about being touched by anyone, I had a really good time. I enjoyed myself, and I liked seeing my family. I liked socializing and just being together. I double sock when I go to someone else's house, so that is an easy fix to the problem of not wanting to "contaminate" my socks when I go there. And I wear old shoes, so that I'm not contaminating my good shoes. I really find the only problem I had on Christmas was feeling like what I was wearing was dirty. Now, I do have every intention of getting it washed up as soon as possible and back in my closet, and I wasn't even sure I would be able to do that after my niece touched me. But that is my plan. I find that once things are washed and put away, they don't feel as contaminated to me anymore. If I just let them sit in my closet for weeks on end, and don't wash them, then it's just a reminder of how "filthy" they seem to me. If I am able to wear these clothes again, that will be HUGE for me. My ultimate goal though, isn't to have these clothes feel "contaminated" going forth anymore (to the point where I would wear this outfit only when around my niece). In 2016, I really want to start "contaminating" everything, or more accurately, just being able to wear what I want when I want, and wash it all together and not worry if its clothes I wore only to the grocery store (that no one else touched) paired with clothes that I wore when hugging other people. It all gets washed together. All comes out clean together. That is what I want to work toward in this area.
Christmas gathering with my husbands side was a little more difficult. There was a meal involved at this gathering, and of course I do not eat at family gatherings. I feel very awkward and self-conscious about this, but there is just no way I can eat at family gatherings at this point. I've seen too many things in the past and my OCD pays way too much attention to details, that really truly are unsanitary. I saw people go directly to put out food, touching crackers and sandwiches with bare hands (without washing them first). My 6 month old nephew was also at this gathering, and I saw a few things his parents did that really bothered me. They would put his fingers in his diaper to check to see if he was dirty/wet, and not wash their hands. Then the baby spit up directly into his mom's hand, and she just wiped it off with a paper towel, and didn't go wash her hands or anything. So to eat at a family gathering, when you just don't know where people's hands have been, well that is just too much for me now. So, my daughter and I awkwardly sit there and don't eat anything, because of course I don't want her to eat the food either. Which works at this point, because she is a picky eater and wouldn't want to eat the food anyway. But, I do feel strange about this and I wish there was a better way to work around it. The rest of the evening went okay though. They do have dogs, which were all over the furniture and sit on the kitchen chairs, begging for food. At one point, of them even jumped on the table and got some food. Ugh......Of course, I also had to wash my carseat off when I got home, since I had been sitting on other peoples furniture.
So, even though I'm able to go to these functions now, they still present me with problems. But at least I'm not avoiding anymore. And I have faced many fears this year, in my next post I plan on summarizing what all I've accomplished in regard to the OCD in 2015, and what my plans are moving forward next year. As always, I'm amazed at how the anticipation is always worse than the event. I am glad that I have stopped avoiding many things, and have started to reclaim my life back from OCD. I hope that you will push somewhere in your fight too. I promise you, it will be worth it!!
Christmas gathering with my husbands side was a little more difficult. There was a meal involved at this gathering, and of course I do not eat at family gatherings. I feel very awkward and self-conscious about this, but there is just no way I can eat at family gatherings at this point. I've seen too many things in the past and my OCD pays way too much attention to details, that really truly are unsanitary. I saw people go directly to put out food, touching crackers and sandwiches with bare hands (without washing them first). My 6 month old nephew was also at this gathering, and I saw a few things his parents did that really bothered me. They would put his fingers in his diaper to check to see if he was dirty/wet, and not wash their hands. Then the baby spit up directly into his mom's hand, and she just wiped it off with a paper towel, and didn't go wash her hands or anything. So to eat at a family gathering, when you just don't know where people's hands have been, well that is just too much for me now. So, my daughter and I awkwardly sit there and don't eat anything, because of course I don't want her to eat the food either. Which works at this point, because she is a picky eater and wouldn't want to eat the food anyway. But, I do feel strange about this and I wish there was a better way to work around it. The rest of the evening went okay though. They do have dogs, which were all over the furniture and sit on the kitchen chairs, begging for food. At one point, of them even jumped on the table and got some food. Ugh......Of course, I also had to wash my carseat off when I got home, since I had been sitting on other peoples furniture.
So, even though I'm able to go to these functions now, they still present me with problems. But at least I'm not avoiding anymore. And I have faced many fears this year, in my next post I plan on summarizing what all I've accomplished in regard to the OCD in 2015, and what my plans are moving forward next year. As always, I'm amazed at how the anticipation is always worse than the event. I am glad that I have stopped avoiding many things, and have started to reclaim my life back from OCD. I hope that you will push somewhere in your fight too. I promise you, it will be worth it!!
Saturday, December 19, 2015
A Colonoscopy with Contamination OCD...A "Crappy" Exposure, Quite Literally!
Well, I am here to tell you today that it is possible to have a colonoscopy when you have contamination OCD. And it is important if you need to have one. Colon cancer is one of the most lethal types of cancer, and unfortunately there are not many symptoms in the early stages. It is a type of cancer that by the time one starts exhibiting symptoms, it is often in late stages. I have had a long history of GI problems. It has been recommended that I have a colonoscopy a couple of other times in my life (before OCD ever entered the picture), and I just put it off and didn't do it, because the whole process made me nervous. But, I visited the GI doc again a few weeks ago and it was recommended again. Since I met my insurance deductible with my surgery last month, I decided I was just going to do this. I have been trying to sort out my physical health problems for the last few months, and this was a big thing I really needed to cross off my list I had no idea what to expect with the colonscopy. I knew the prep was going to be dreadful, but I got through it! And on the other side of the fence today, I can truly tell you that I'm glad I made the decision to go through with it. Everything turned out completely normal with my colonscopy.
The most difficult part about this process was the prepping of the colon. And I am going to be honest, I am going to get real graphic here. So, if talk of stools and diarrhea bothers you, please just skip forward to the end of this post. This is important for me to talk about, because it is the details about the prep that collided with the OCD, and I want to help someone else that may need to figure out how to deal with this as well.
As I mentioned, I had no idea how bad the diarrhea was going to get. Obviously the intent is to clear your colon out. But some things I read said that you could still make it to the toilet, just stay close by at home. Others said that they couldn't even leave the bathroom until the prep made its way through. I had 3 "rounds" of prep. My procedure was on a Friday. Starting on Wednesday night, I drank a bottle of Magnesium Citrate, which is a powerful liquid laxative. It said that it would normally produce a stool within about 30 minutes-3 hours. Meaning, I took that literally. A stool. Not so much. First of all, it didn't do anything for me until the following morning. Then all of a sudden I jolted out of bed, ran to the bathroom, and yep--it was working. 30-45 minutes straight of liquid stool. This, I would consider to be "loose stool", it did spray all over the back of the toilet and even shot somewhat onto the outside of our bathtub, which is right next to the toilet. A fact I should mention now is that I don't sit on my own toilet seat at home. I'm a squatter. Fortunately, this didn't prove to be a problem for round 1 of the prep, but it was difficult to stand there for 30-45 minutes straight. It also became very painful, and I was feeling dehydrated, and nearly passed out during this round. But when it was done, it was done. I drank my clear liquids for the remainder of the day, and just tried to relax and keep in mind that round 1 was done. Round 2 had to be similar, right?
Wrong. Round 2 and 3 was the actual split dose colon prep. I took the first dose on Thursday night, and within about 20 minutes it started to work. I was already in the bathroom waiting for it to start, squatting over as usual, and as it continued to work it's magic the stool became so watery and uncontrollable. There would have been absolutely no way I would have made it to the bathroom. I squatted there, and things started to become a real mess. Liquid stool was literally spraying out onto the toilet seat and back, dripping down my leg, onto the floor in small amounts. I would alternate between having diarrhea, using wet wipes to clean off my legs, and when I felt I might have a 3 minute break from the stools, I would quickly disinfect the toilet seat and flush, and start all over. Finally I just removed the clothes I was wearing because I could tell stool was getting onto my pajama pants and socks as it dripped down. There wasn't really anything I could do at that point, other than to let it happen. It took about 2 1/2 hours for the stools to stop. At that point it was so late at night, I just wanted to go to bed. I was truly exhausted. I disinfected the toilet, Cloroxed all around the toilet and wiped down the outside of the tub. I stepped in the shower so I could at least get clean from the waist down. I was worried about being in there too long and having an accident in the shower (and then I would really run into some cleaning problems if that happened. Fortunately it was okay, no accidents). I put on a clean outfit, laid an old comforter on the floor and slept there, about 5 feet from the bathroom. There was no way I would trust myself to sleep in bed that night. If I stooled in the bed, I wouldn't ever be able to sleep there again. I also had purchased some Depends briefs and wore one of those to bed, paranoid that I might have a stool in my sleep. I didn't though.
I didn't sleep well that night, partly because I drank so much fluid that entire day, I was honestly up urinating about every 20 minutes for the first 3 hours of sleep. Then somehow I was able to get 3 hours in a row of uninterrupted sleep, then I woke up at 5 am and just laid there anticipating round 3 and how I was going to deal with that.
I knew I could not do the whole squatting thing again. I felt like sitting on the toilet seat at that point would be less contaminating than getting actual stool all over me again. Plus I only had a few hours this time before I needed to arrive for the procedure, and I wasn't sure if I would have enough time to hop in the shower again if needed. I covered the toilet seat with paper towels, starting drinking Round 3 and just sat there for 2 1/2 hours straight again as it worked. I have to say this ended up being much easier, and I honestly wished I had just done this from the get-go. Again, I just hadn't known what to expect. There were no messes this time with the floor my clothes, although the stool did seem to still be getting all over my bottom. If you've never had a colonoscopy preop before, let me just tell that you that it feels like you have a garden hose attached to your bottom. Someone elses's words, not mine. But the best description I have found, and very true. The prep wore off about 11:30, and my dad was set to arrive about 11:45 to pick me up. I thought all was done, so I changed again, put on a new Depends brief, and my "contaminated outfit" that I wear to dirty places. Before my dad arrived, I made one trip to the bathroom, "just in case", but I ended up going again, watery and uncontrollable. I had no idea how I would make it to the endoscopy center without an accident, but I did make it. Went to the bathroom shortly after I got there, liquidy and uncontrollable again. I was mortified I would have an accident and expressed that concern to both my nurse and the doctor. As far as I know, I never did have an accident.
I was nervous about the procedure too, because I don't like to be sedated, and the whole idea of someone manueving a colonscope through your entire large intestine is a little scary. But the procedure itself was a breeze. I don't remember anything after they gave me the sedative. I have a brief recollection of being at the center afterward and sipping from a can of Sprite.
When I got home, I disinfected my bathroom. No major binge cleaning here, just disinfected the toilet, cleaned the toilet bowl and mopped the floor. Got rid of all my garbage from the last 2 days. Then I took a shower, cleaning bottom and legs REAL good, and that was it.
As I mentioned earlier, my colon was completely healthy. And I am so thankful for that. It would be easy to say, "Oh, I wish I hadn't done that. Everything was normal and I didn't even need to have that done". But that is not the case. There is no way to know it is normal, unless you have it done. It was difficult, but I got through it, and I am glad that I did it. It also helped put things into perspective for me about what is contaminated. I am always worried about "what if this" has stuff on it, or "what if that" has stuff on it. Always worried about the what-ifs and the might-be's. There was no question here. I got stool all over my legs and I'm still okay.
Even if you're reading this post and you don't suffer from OCD, I urge all of you to have your colonscopy. It is a very important thing to do for your health. As with the surgery last month, I am so glad I did this. It would be easy for me, with severe contamination OCD, to say I am going to avoid these things because they create too many problems and are "too hard" with OCD. But I want to be proactive in my health and help myself be the healthiest person I can be. I think the better I feel physically, then I am also better able to cope with the mental and emotional demands of OCD.
The most difficult part about this process was the prepping of the colon. And I am going to be honest, I am going to get real graphic here. So, if talk of stools and diarrhea bothers you, please just skip forward to the end of this post. This is important for me to talk about, because it is the details about the prep that collided with the OCD, and I want to help someone else that may need to figure out how to deal with this as well.
As I mentioned, I had no idea how bad the diarrhea was going to get. Obviously the intent is to clear your colon out. But some things I read said that you could still make it to the toilet, just stay close by at home. Others said that they couldn't even leave the bathroom until the prep made its way through. I had 3 "rounds" of prep. My procedure was on a Friday. Starting on Wednesday night, I drank a bottle of Magnesium Citrate, which is a powerful liquid laxative. It said that it would normally produce a stool within about 30 minutes-3 hours. Meaning, I took that literally. A stool. Not so much. First of all, it didn't do anything for me until the following morning. Then all of a sudden I jolted out of bed, ran to the bathroom, and yep--it was working. 30-45 minutes straight of liquid stool. This, I would consider to be "loose stool", it did spray all over the back of the toilet and even shot somewhat onto the outside of our bathtub, which is right next to the toilet. A fact I should mention now is that I don't sit on my own toilet seat at home. I'm a squatter. Fortunately, this didn't prove to be a problem for round 1 of the prep, but it was difficult to stand there for 30-45 minutes straight. It also became very painful, and I was feeling dehydrated, and nearly passed out during this round. But when it was done, it was done. I drank my clear liquids for the remainder of the day, and just tried to relax and keep in mind that round 1 was done. Round 2 had to be similar, right?
Wrong. Round 2 and 3 was the actual split dose colon prep. I took the first dose on Thursday night, and within about 20 minutes it started to work. I was already in the bathroom waiting for it to start, squatting over as usual, and as it continued to work it's magic the stool became so watery and uncontrollable. There would have been absolutely no way I would have made it to the bathroom. I squatted there, and things started to become a real mess. Liquid stool was literally spraying out onto the toilet seat and back, dripping down my leg, onto the floor in small amounts. I would alternate between having diarrhea, using wet wipes to clean off my legs, and when I felt I might have a 3 minute break from the stools, I would quickly disinfect the toilet seat and flush, and start all over. Finally I just removed the clothes I was wearing because I could tell stool was getting onto my pajama pants and socks as it dripped down. There wasn't really anything I could do at that point, other than to let it happen. It took about 2 1/2 hours for the stools to stop. At that point it was so late at night, I just wanted to go to bed. I was truly exhausted. I disinfected the toilet, Cloroxed all around the toilet and wiped down the outside of the tub. I stepped in the shower so I could at least get clean from the waist down. I was worried about being in there too long and having an accident in the shower (and then I would really run into some cleaning problems if that happened. Fortunately it was okay, no accidents). I put on a clean outfit, laid an old comforter on the floor and slept there, about 5 feet from the bathroom. There was no way I would trust myself to sleep in bed that night. If I stooled in the bed, I wouldn't ever be able to sleep there again. I also had purchased some Depends briefs and wore one of those to bed, paranoid that I might have a stool in my sleep. I didn't though.
I didn't sleep well that night, partly because I drank so much fluid that entire day, I was honestly up urinating about every 20 minutes for the first 3 hours of sleep. Then somehow I was able to get 3 hours in a row of uninterrupted sleep, then I woke up at 5 am and just laid there anticipating round 3 and how I was going to deal with that.
I knew I could not do the whole squatting thing again. I felt like sitting on the toilet seat at that point would be less contaminating than getting actual stool all over me again. Plus I only had a few hours this time before I needed to arrive for the procedure, and I wasn't sure if I would have enough time to hop in the shower again if needed. I covered the toilet seat with paper towels, starting drinking Round 3 and just sat there for 2 1/2 hours straight again as it worked. I have to say this ended up being much easier, and I honestly wished I had just done this from the get-go. Again, I just hadn't known what to expect. There were no messes this time with the floor my clothes, although the stool did seem to still be getting all over my bottom. If you've never had a colonoscopy preop before, let me just tell that you that it feels like you have a garden hose attached to your bottom. Someone elses's words, not mine. But the best description I have found, and very true. The prep wore off about 11:30, and my dad was set to arrive about 11:45 to pick me up. I thought all was done, so I changed again, put on a new Depends brief, and my "contaminated outfit" that I wear to dirty places. Before my dad arrived, I made one trip to the bathroom, "just in case", but I ended up going again, watery and uncontrollable. I had no idea how I would make it to the endoscopy center without an accident, but I did make it. Went to the bathroom shortly after I got there, liquidy and uncontrollable again. I was mortified I would have an accident and expressed that concern to both my nurse and the doctor. As far as I know, I never did have an accident.
I was nervous about the procedure too, because I don't like to be sedated, and the whole idea of someone manueving a colonscope through your entire large intestine is a little scary. But the procedure itself was a breeze. I don't remember anything after they gave me the sedative. I have a brief recollection of being at the center afterward and sipping from a can of Sprite.
When I got home, I disinfected my bathroom. No major binge cleaning here, just disinfected the toilet, cleaned the toilet bowl and mopped the floor. Got rid of all my garbage from the last 2 days. Then I took a shower, cleaning bottom and legs REAL good, and that was it.
As I mentioned earlier, my colon was completely healthy. And I am so thankful for that. It would be easy to say, "Oh, I wish I hadn't done that. Everything was normal and I didn't even need to have that done". But that is not the case. There is no way to know it is normal, unless you have it done. It was difficult, but I got through it, and I am glad that I did it. It also helped put things into perspective for me about what is contaminated. I am always worried about "what if this" has stuff on it, or "what if that" has stuff on it. Always worried about the what-ifs and the might-be's. There was no question here. I got stool all over my legs and I'm still okay.
Even if you're reading this post and you don't suffer from OCD, I urge all of you to have your colonscopy. It is a very important thing to do for your health. As with the surgery last month, I am so glad I did this. It would be easy for me, with severe contamination OCD, to say I am going to avoid these things because they create too many problems and are "too hard" with OCD. But I want to be proactive in my health and help myself be the healthiest person I can be. I think the better I feel physically, then I am also better able to cope with the mental and emotional demands of OCD.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Surgery Update...and another procedure to come in 2 more weeks!
Well, I had my surgery a couple of weeks ago. Time has gotten away from me these last couple of weeks, but I wanted to update on how that whole process went. There were a couple of things I had to do to prepare for the surgery, since it was gynecological. I had to go in and have my cervix dilated the afternoon prior and because of that I needed to take a small course of antibiotics to help prevent infection. Taking medications is typically a no-no for me. I have too many obsessions about having an allergic reaction to something, very fearful of a life threatening anaphylactic reaction, which stems back to some problems I had about 10 years ago when my OCD first took off. So to put it very blunty, this was a week of many exposures for me. But I came out on the other side of it great, and I am thankful for this process because I think it helped me to face many things I would typically avoid. A lot of "what if's", but at the end of that week everything turned out just great and it helped to show me I could take some medical "risks" and still be okay.
The antibiotic was the first hurdle. I was so fearful of this that I truly took the first dose in an ER parking lot, so that just in case I did have a reaction, I could literally walk right through the doors of the hospital. The first dose wasn't too bad, I felt myself getting a little anxious, but I didn't have a reaction! I drove home after 45 minutes because I was fine. As I continued to take the medication through the week, I did become desensitized to the anxiety and found it not to be a problem. In fact, after just a few doses of the medication it became normal and I really didn't have any anxiety at all.
The day before the procedure I went in to have my cervix dilated. They use a device called a laminaria, which is basically a matchstick size piece of sterile seaweed that absorbs fluid overnight and causes your cervix to dilate. This actually was probably the most painful part of the process, and again I was nervous about having some type of strange reaction. But once it was in, I actually did really well. Had some cramping that night, which was expected
My biggest concern with the surgery was the general anesthesia: I was really scared about this part. Scared about what would happen and being put under and not knowing what was going on. I had never been under general anesthesia before, and was truly terrified. All kinds of "what ifs" came in to play here. What if my heart stops? What if I stop breathing? What if I don't wake up? What if I have an allergic reaction to the anesthetic? Every time the nurse would ask me if I was doing okay, or when anesthesia would come in to talk to me beforehand, I would start crying, but then I would be fine until someone asked me about it again. Ultimately, it was all good though. My heart didn't stop, I didn't stop breathing, I didn't have any reaction, and I DID wake up!! I don't remember much after they put the mask on me in the OR, I was probably out within a few seconds, have a very brief memory in the recovery room, and was pretty much "back to normal" within just over an hour of the start time of the procedure (the actual surgery only took about 10-15 minutes).
Of course I also had a few concerns about the actual surgical Procedure, but nothing too terribly anxious: Nothing really bothered me much surprisingly, looking back on everything. I trust that the hospital follows good disinfection guidelines and the nurses were super on top of using hand sanitizier basically every time they came into the room and did anything with you. So I felt pretty comfortable overall there. I also knew my nurse in the outpatient surgery area, which was a bonus. She gave me lots of good TLC and lots of hugs (which hugs typically bother me, but it's weird that as I've learned to be more contaminated those things don't bother me as much).....but I knew that I was going to feel ultra contaminated from the whole hospitalization that day anyway, so I suppose part of that could have been that I knew I was going home to shower immediately afterward, and so I just let myself be contaminated while at the hospital .
There were a few things that happened in the hospital that proved to be small issues, but I found my way around them. After I got back to my room, I ate some crackers that a nurse "might" have touched", I drank from a cup that had a straw in it that was already unwrapped, there was a slight gown issue when I got there(saw some dried set in blood spots and ended up swapping that out on my own when I found some spare gowns in the cupboard in my room), had to wipe down with some antiseptic wipes (which bothers me, chemicals!), my mom kissed me on the cheek before I went down to surgery, I had to use the hospital bathroom (and the first time I got up to pee after surgery I went straight back to bed and didn't wash my hands (the nurse had to make sure I peed this time so she told ME not to flush and that she would after she checked the toilet), so since I was just peeing and wiping myself and not flushing the toilet I went straight back to bed and didn't wash my hands (for some reason this actually didn't bother me). The nurse was on top of it and handed me a wipey to use. The rest of the time I was able to wash my hands after using the restroom.
The next issue was the decontamination process when I got home: I just didn't want to bring any of the hospital germs into my house. Fortunately I felt very well when I got home. I was completely alert, moving around on my own, and felt actually very normal. I was supposed to have an adult stay with me for 24 hours, but I told my mom I felt fine and I think she realized I was doing fine. After she took me home, I let my dog out and played with her and even took a couple of garbage bags outside from my kitchen, so I seemed to be doing fine. I had all kinds of plans in place for what I would do following surgery, but it turned out I didn't need any of them. I spent a lot of time (too much time) the entire week of the surgery coming up with plans for each situation that could be present itself. I had debated if I should go over to her house to recover for the day or have her stay at my house for the day. Each would bring certain sets of complications for me. Ultimately having her come into my house and sit on my furniture or use my bathroom, would have produced a lot of contamination from the hospital, that I didn't really want to deal with. I would have had to wipe off the furniture she sat in (because she wore the clothes in the hospital), and I had even bought a huge blanket to cover the couch with, but thanks to my dog, the night before she got ahold of it and drug it all over the house. The bathroom would be tricky too, because then I would have to clean the whole bathroom the next day, which wouldn't have been a HUGE deal, but I still didn't want to go through the process. Staying at her house would have been tricky too for other reasons, but I honestly think had I needed to choose one of those options, I would have stayed at her house. I just didn't want the hospital contamination to come into my house. Since I felt so well I showered soon after she left, dumped the clothes I wore to the hospital in my closet (and I will wash those separetly but yes I WILL wear those again). I threw my underwear out because too much happened to it in the hospital. My mom had to touch it to give it back to me, I also kind of not really fell backward while I was urinating once in the bathroom, but I was trying to squat over the toilet and kind of misjudged the height and my body kind of went back and my lower thighs both very much came in contact with the toilet seat and the underwear that was around my knees at the time, made full contact with the toilet bowl seat. I had to put these back on, because I had no choice. I was bleeding and needed to have pants on. So my shower was definitely longer than usual, but it wasn't a super long complicated process. I'd say I was in there maybe 15 minutes, put on some clean clothes, rinsed my mouth out with some mouthwash and was good to go.
I faced so many things this week that I was terrified of, but I made it through it. God pulled me through. I prayed every step of the way. Didn't have any reaction to any of the meds I was given and I feel pretty good about the whole thing overall.
One thing I am mad at myself about is I kind of wished I had eaten off the hospital silverware. OK, let me rephrase that. I didn't WANT to eat off the silverware, but in retrospect I think it would have been good for my OCD. I think if I could have eaten off hospital silverware, then restaurants would have been a breeze as a step down the next time. Meaning hospital silverware was a 100 on the scale easily.
I am pleased to say that everything came back normal after my surgery. I had a few polyps that were removed, but nothing more serious than that. I do have to start taking hormones now, but after the antibiotic exposure, I'm not as nervous about taking new meds. Now I need to address another issue and have a colonoscopy done next week. I am actually not too nervous about this one. More to come on that later.
I am feeling happier lately too. More energy again, which is a good thing. I've found myself a little more motivated to do things, such as cleaning my house, and making dinner again. I'm finding in general I don't have as many issues with certain things that I used to. I can clean my bathroom (with chemicals) and not feel dirty or gross afterward. Being around my dog is getting easier. I have seen things I "don't like" when at food places and I try to just it let go the best I can. Although I will admit, I did get take out the other night from a pasta place where they put your food together right there in front of you. The gal at the front was handling cash and credit cards, then going back and putting her fingers right into the cheese to sprinkle on the pasta dishes. She did this multiple times, my food included. Needless to say, I didn't eat my food. That was a legit sanitary issue to me though, I wish I would have said something while I was there. I'm still having some laundry issues, but hoping to knock more of that out next year. Christmas is right around the corner and I don't want to avoid any family gatherings this year. I also plan to sit down and make out a list of everything I have left to accomplish to rid myself of this OCD. Since I got a pretty good start on this over the last 6-9 months, I really hope to knock a lot of other stuff out by the end of 2016 and kick things up a notch!!
The antibiotic was the first hurdle. I was so fearful of this that I truly took the first dose in an ER parking lot, so that just in case I did have a reaction, I could literally walk right through the doors of the hospital. The first dose wasn't too bad, I felt myself getting a little anxious, but I didn't have a reaction! I drove home after 45 minutes because I was fine. As I continued to take the medication through the week, I did become desensitized to the anxiety and found it not to be a problem. In fact, after just a few doses of the medication it became normal and I really didn't have any anxiety at all.
The day before the procedure I went in to have my cervix dilated. They use a device called a laminaria, which is basically a matchstick size piece of sterile seaweed that absorbs fluid overnight and causes your cervix to dilate. This actually was probably the most painful part of the process, and again I was nervous about having some type of strange reaction. But once it was in, I actually did really well. Had some cramping that night, which was expected
My biggest concern with the surgery was the general anesthesia: I was really scared about this part. Scared about what would happen and being put under and not knowing what was going on. I had never been under general anesthesia before, and was truly terrified. All kinds of "what ifs" came in to play here. What if my heart stops? What if I stop breathing? What if I don't wake up? What if I have an allergic reaction to the anesthetic? Every time the nurse would ask me if I was doing okay, or when anesthesia would come in to talk to me beforehand, I would start crying, but then I would be fine until someone asked me about it again. Ultimately, it was all good though. My heart didn't stop, I didn't stop breathing, I didn't have any reaction, and I DID wake up!! I don't remember much after they put the mask on me in the OR, I was probably out within a few seconds, have a very brief memory in the recovery room, and was pretty much "back to normal" within just over an hour of the start time of the procedure (the actual surgery only took about 10-15 minutes).
Of course I also had a few concerns about the actual surgical Procedure, but nothing too terribly anxious: Nothing really bothered me much surprisingly, looking back on everything. I trust that the hospital follows good disinfection guidelines and the nurses were super on top of using hand sanitizier basically every time they came into the room and did anything with you. So I felt pretty comfortable overall there. I also knew my nurse in the outpatient surgery area, which was a bonus. She gave me lots of good TLC and lots of hugs (which hugs typically bother me, but it's weird that as I've learned to be more contaminated those things don't bother me as much).....but I knew that I was going to feel ultra contaminated from the whole hospitalization that day anyway, so I suppose part of that could have been that I knew I was going home to shower immediately afterward, and so I just let myself be contaminated while at the hospital .
There were a few things that happened in the hospital that proved to be small issues, but I found my way around them. After I got back to my room, I ate some crackers that a nurse "might" have touched", I drank from a cup that had a straw in it that was already unwrapped, there was a slight gown issue when I got there(saw some dried set in blood spots and ended up swapping that out on my own when I found some spare gowns in the cupboard in my room), had to wipe down with some antiseptic wipes (which bothers me, chemicals!), my mom kissed me on the cheek before I went down to surgery, I had to use the hospital bathroom (and the first time I got up to pee after surgery I went straight back to bed and didn't wash my hands (the nurse had to make sure I peed this time so she told ME not to flush and that she would after she checked the toilet), so since I was just peeing and wiping myself and not flushing the toilet I went straight back to bed and didn't wash my hands (for some reason this actually didn't bother me). The nurse was on top of it and handed me a wipey to use. The rest of the time I was able to wash my hands after using the restroom.
The next issue was the decontamination process when I got home: I just didn't want to bring any of the hospital germs into my house. Fortunately I felt very well when I got home. I was completely alert, moving around on my own, and felt actually very normal. I was supposed to have an adult stay with me for 24 hours, but I told my mom I felt fine and I think she realized I was doing fine. After she took me home, I let my dog out and played with her and even took a couple of garbage bags outside from my kitchen, so I seemed to be doing fine. I had all kinds of plans in place for what I would do following surgery, but it turned out I didn't need any of them. I spent a lot of time (too much time) the entire week of the surgery coming up with plans for each situation that could be present itself. I had debated if I should go over to her house to recover for the day or have her stay at my house for the day. Each would bring certain sets of complications for me. Ultimately having her come into my house and sit on my furniture or use my bathroom, would have produced a lot of contamination from the hospital, that I didn't really want to deal with. I would have had to wipe off the furniture she sat in (because she wore the clothes in the hospital), and I had even bought a huge blanket to cover the couch with, but thanks to my dog, the night before she got ahold of it and drug it all over the house. The bathroom would be tricky too, because then I would have to clean the whole bathroom the next day, which wouldn't have been a HUGE deal, but I still didn't want to go through the process. Staying at her house would have been tricky too for other reasons, but I honestly think had I needed to choose one of those options, I would have stayed at her house. I just didn't want the hospital contamination to come into my house. Since I felt so well I showered soon after she left, dumped the clothes I wore to the hospital in my closet (and I will wash those separetly but yes I WILL wear those again). I threw my underwear out because too much happened to it in the hospital. My mom had to touch it to give it back to me, I also kind of not really fell backward while I was urinating once in the bathroom, but I was trying to squat over the toilet and kind of misjudged the height and my body kind of went back and my lower thighs both very much came in contact with the toilet seat and the underwear that was around my knees at the time, made full contact with the toilet bowl seat. I had to put these back on, because I had no choice. I was bleeding and needed to have pants on. So my shower was definitely longer than usual, but it wasn't a super long complicated process. I'd say I was in there maybe 15 minutes, put on some clean clothes, rinsed my mouth out with some mouthwash and was good to go.
I faced so many things this week that I was terrified of, but I made it through it. God pulled me through. I prayed every step of the way. Didn't have any reaction to any of the meds I was given and I feel pretty good about the whole thing overall.
One thing I am mad at myself about is I kind of wished I had eaten off the hospital silverware. OK, let me rephrase that. I didn't WANT to eat off the silverware, but in retrospect I think it would have been good for my OCD. I think if I could have eaten off hospital silverware, then restaurants would have been a breeze as a step down the next time. Meaning hospital silverware was a 100 on the scale easily.
I am pleased to say that everything came back normal after my surgery. I had a few polyps that were removed, but nothing more serious than that. I do have to start taking hormones now, but after the antibiotic exposure, I'm not as nervous about taking new meds. Now I need to address another issue and have a colonoscopy done next week. I am actually not too nervous about this one. More to come on that later.
I am feeling happier lately too. More energy again, which is a good thing. I've found myself a little more motivated to do things, such as cleaning my house, and making dinner again. I'm finding in general I don't have as many issues with certain things that I used to. I can clean my bathroom (with chemicals) and not feel dirty or gross afterward. Being around my dog is getting easier. I have seen things I "don't like" when at food places and I try to just it let go the best I can. Although I will admit, I did get take out the other night from a pasta place where they put your food together right there in front of you. The gal at the front was handling cash and credit cards, then going back and putting her fingers right into the cheese to sprinkle on the pasta dishes. She did this multiple times, my food included. Needless to say, I didn't eat my food. That was a legit sanitary issue to me though, I wish I would have said something while I was there. I'm still having some laundry issues, but hoping to knock more of that out next year. Christmas is right around the corner and I don't want to avoid any family gatherings this year. I also plan to sit down and make out a list of everything I have left to accomplish to rid myself of this OCD. Since I got a pretty good start on this over the last 6-9 months, I really hope to knock a lot of other stuff out by the end of 2016 and kick things up a notch!!
Sunday, November 8, 2015
A Trip to the Mechanic and a Baptism
Well, the trip to the mechanic is done...at least for another week or so. Yes, I have to go back again because they couldn't get everything done the first time. I went there simply to have all new tires put on my vehicle and an alignment. When I went up to pay for the services, they told me they could not do the alignment until I had some other work done. Usually my husband does all of the mechanical work to my car, but he can not do an alignment (because obviously that involves equipment only available at a tire shop). The trip itself wasn't too bad. The only real problem was the "decontamination" of my car afterward. As I mentioned in my previous post, the seatbelt was my main concern. I put on a car seat cover and a steering wheel cover and drove it over there. I was trying to get clever with the seatbelt and how I might know if they had worn it or not. So I twisted the top of the seatbelt three times and put the "seatbelt clicker" (because I'm lacking what the correct term for that is) into a little notch at the top of where the seat belt connects. If they weren't paying attention, I don't even think they would notice it. But I would notice it...and if it looked different then I would know they might have worn the seatbelt. I also set my trip odometer to zero before I walked in the shop, so I would be able to get a better gauge for if they drove it. Nothing looked different with the seatbelt and the odometer was only up about 3/10 of a mile (which would easily account for being pulled in and out of the garage and into a parking stall afterward). Regardless of this, I still cleaned my car thoroughly as I just wanted to make sure it was okay to get back in afterward, and that I would feel comfortable sitting in my seat again. It took me about 2 hours to clean the car out, which involved wiping the drivers seat and the back seat (where my daughters sits), wiping off the keys and all off the gadgets in the car (turn signals, gear shifter, door handles, etc), and wiping off my seatbelt (yes, even though they hadn't worn it), then I took a shower and changed into fresh clothes. I debated whether or not to wear the seatbelt right away, but then decided to just put it on so I didn't carry the anticipation out....and I have rode comfortably in it since. But...now I have to go back in another week or two to finish it off. So I am less nervous this time, and I am hoping I can do a less thorough clean this time, but I am still concerned about that darn seatbelt.
On another front, I have been trying really hard to not avoid most stuff. I'll be honest, there are still things I avoid. Such as my daughter has an orchestra concert at school this coming week, and I have already made up an excuse for her to get out of that (because I don't want to be in an auditorium full of people).
My husbands brother and his wife had their son baptized this morning. I have known about this for a few weeks now. I had every intention of going since we received the invitation, but I knew that I was going to need to sit in the back of the church. I figure it is better to go places even if you have to sit in the back, rather than avoid going at all. I have felt like I have been doing so much better in general with my OCD, so I figured as long as I sat in the back, I would have minimal problems there. My husbands reaction to my OCD is always a huge trigger for me and causes a lot of problems. This is nothing new and I have documented this in many places on this blog. I waited until about an hour before we left, and I told him that I would be sitting in the back of the church and to let me know if that would be a problem for him...well, it was. I am getting increasingly frustrated with his reaction to my OCD. It just seems like whatever I do, it is never enough. I should think he would be happy that I was going, but instead it was a problem because I didn't want so sit in the reserved seats up front. I get how that would be frustrating from the other side, I really do. But his yelling at me and acting like I am such an imposition and embarassment to him, is really starting to wear me thin. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I was so close to saying to forget the whole thing, and he could go himself then...but I didn't want to do that to his family. It's not their fault that he acts that way. I called my mother in law right before we left and explained the situation to her. I used my upcoming surgery as the reason for this, and that I didn't want to sit in a crowd at church where I might be exposed to something, so I would be sitting in the back. She did not seem upset at all about this. There was a luncheon after the baptism at a restaurant, where there was about 20 of us family members that ate lunch in a private room together. I considered eating off the silverware (as this would have been an exposure for me too) for the first time in a long time, but then after I saw the set up (it was a formal set up, so everything was just laid out beside the plates, not wrapped in a napkin like you might get some places) I couldn't do it. I usually don't eat with my hands either, because of the warts on my hands. They are getting better now and aren't too visible, so I decided to go ahead and order a sandwich and just eat it with my hands (so I didn't have to worry about the silveware). It's frustrating to me, because before we left he was also talking about how frustrated he was that he would have to explain why I wasn't eating at the restaurant), and so I took it upon myself to FORCE myself to do this, even though I didn't want to, because I am still not comfortable AT ALL eating with my hands. It just felt like he sat there and scrutinized my every move at the restaurant, like he was just watching me out of the corner of his eye to see what weird or unacceptable things in his eyes I would be doing. Even looking back at the event now (a few hours later), I still don't feel he has any appreciation for the things I force myself to do to appear semi "normal" at an event.
He said some very disturbing words to me before both the baptism and the mechanic trip. Both were pertaining to the idea that "why can't I just be okay with things". He is not encouraging to me at all. In fact, he is the very opposite and discouraging to me. He makes me feel that no matter what I am doing with my OCD or how far I have come, he just still can't accept where I am. And instead of being thankful and celebrating how far I have come, he yells at me and acts embarassed because I still have problems doing a lot of things. Before the baptism today, in a very irritated tone, he said to me "Why can't you just be okay with this today" (meaning why can't I just sit in the front of the church like everyone else and why can't I just eat the food and use the silverware and be normal). As if I can just shut it off like a switch for a day.
The truth is I'm really starting to accept that he will never understand this disorder, nor even try is the worst part. It is so difficult for me to understand how after knowing fully about my disorder for several years now, that he thinks I can just "shut it off" for a day. And how he thinks that yelling at me is going to motivate me to want to do things. It is discouraging is what it is. He doesn't even understand most of what I deal with, and that is his choice, not mine. Because he doesn't want to talk about it. But his attitude has always worn on me. It brings me down and it makes me feel negatively about him. I really don't have much "trust" in him anymore, from an emotional standpoint. And because I don't "trust" him or find him to be a safe person to share my emotions with, I think this is part of the reason why I feel he is so contaminated to me. I find myself avoiding a lot of things where he will be, simply because I don't want to see him roll his eyes at me, sigh, yell, or act like I'm embarassing him. It's easier to avoid and not have to deal with his reaction. The interesting thing is that I can go out and do a lot of things when he is not there, that I would have trouble doing when he was there. Again, it's just him constantly watching me and feeling a sense of shame. No matter what I do, it's just never enough for him. The problem is that he wants me to be "normal" and not have OCD get in the way of his life. And there is no in between for him. I just feel so depressed and defeated thinking about this whole thing. That is a dangerous place to be, as depression leads you to places where it is really hard to fight off the OCD. And I WILL NOT get back to the place I was before.
One of the hardest things for me to figure out, is how I get over feeling like he is contaminated. How do I push myself in these areas. When I don't "trust" him enough to feel emotionally safe with him, it is really difficult to even think about wanting to have a physical relationship with him. And when he finds fault in everything that I do with the OCD and is basically ashamed of me, then what am I really working for here?
At the end of the day, I have to keep fighting against this OCD for myself...and for my daughter. When I was at my most severe with this, I managed to get myself out of it (even despite his discouragement and attitude toward me). I did this with the help of God. I'm not sure that my husband understands how his attitude toward me plunged me further down. Today, I know that I am getting somewhere in this fight. I look back to when I had severe OCD and most of my days (from an OCD stanpoint) were rated at about a 2. Now most of my days (from an OCD standpoint) are about an 8. That is HUGE progress. And I will keep working on it.
On another front, I have been trying really hard to not avoid most stuff. I'll be honest, there are still things I avoid. Such as my daughter has an orchestra concert at school this coming week, and I have already made up an excuse for her to get out of that (because I don't want to be in an auditorium full of people).
My husbands brother and his wife had their son baptized this morning. I have known about this for a few weeks now. I had every intention of going since we received the invitation, but I knew that I was going to need to sit in the back of the church. I figure it is better to go places even if you have to sit in the back, rather than avoid going at all. I have felt like I have been doing so much better in general with my OCD, so I figured as long as I sat in the back, I would have minimal problems there. My husbands reaction to my OCD is always a huge trigger for me and causes a lot of problems. This is nothing new and I have documented this in many places on this blog. I waited until about an hour before we left, and I told him that I would be sitting in the back of the church and to let me know if that would be a problem for him...well, it was. I am getting increasingly frustrated with his reaction to my OCD. It just seems like whatever I do, it is never enough. I should think he would be happy that I was going, but instead it was a problem because I didn't want so sit in the reserved seats up front. I get how that would be frustrating from the other side, I really do. But his yelling at me and acting like I am such an imposition and embarassment to him, is really starting to wear me thin. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I was so close to saying to forget the whole thing, and he could go himself then...but I didn't want to do that to his family. It's not their fault that he acts that way. I called my mother in law right before we left and explained the situation to her. I used my upcoming surgery as the reason for this, and that I didn't want to sit in a crowd at church where I might be exposed to something, so I would be sitting in the back. She did not seem upset at all about this. There was a luncheon after the baptism at a restaurant, where there was about 20 of us family members that ate lunch in a private room together. I considered eating off the silverware (as this would have been an exposure for me too) for the first time in a long time, but then after I saw the set up (it was a formal set up, so everything was just laid out beside the plates, not wrapped in a napkin like you might get some places) I couldn't do it. I usually don't eat with my hands either, because of the warts on my hands. They are getting better now and aren't too visible, so I decided to go ahead and order a sandwich and just eat it with my hands (so I didn't have to worry about the silveware). It's frustrating to me, because before we left he was also talking about how frustrated he was that he would have to explain why I wasn't eating at the restaurant), and so I took it upon myself to FORCE myself to do this, even though I didn't want to, because I am still not comfortable AT ALL eating with my hands. It just felt like he sat there and scrutinized my every move at the restaurant, like he was just watching me out of the corner of his eye to see what weird or unacceptable things in his eyes I would be doing. Even looking back at the event now (a few hours later), I still don't feel he has any appreciation for the things I force myself to do to appear semi "normal" at an event.
He said some very disturbing words to me before both the baptism and the mechanic trip. Both were pertaining to the idea that "why can't I just be okay with things". He is not encouraging to me at all. In fact, he is the very opposite and discouraging to me. He makes me feel that no matter what I am doing with my OCD or how far I have come, he just still can't accept where I am. And instead of being thankful and celebrating how far I have come, he yells at me and acts embarassed because I still have problems doing a lot of things. Before the baptism today, in a very irritated tone, he said to me "Why can't you just be okay with this today" (meaning why can't I just sit in the front of the church like everyone else and why can't I just eat the food and use the silverware and be normal). As if I can just shut it off like a switch for a day.
The truth is I'm really starting to accept that he will never understand this disorder, nor even try is the worst part. It is so difficult for me to understand how after knowing fully about my disorder for several years now, that he thinks I can just "shut it off" for a day. And how he thinks that yelling at me is going to motivate me to want to do things. It is discouraging is what it is. He doesn't even understand most of what I deal with, and that is his choice, not mine. Because he doesn't want to talk about it. But his attitude has always worn on me. It brings me down and it makes me feel negatively about him. I really don't have much "trust" in him anymore, from an emotional standpoint. And because I don't "trust" him or find him to be a safe person to share my emotions with, I think this is part of the reason why I feel he is so contaminated to me. I find myself avoiding a lot of things where he will be, simply because I don't want to see him roll his eyes at me, sigh, yell, or act like I'm embarassing him. It's easier to avoid and not have to deal with his reaction. The interesting thing is that I can go out and do a lot of things when he is not there, that I would have trouble doing when he was there. Again, it's just him constantly watching me and feeling a sense of shame. No matter what I do, it's just never enough for him. The problem is that he wants me to be "normal" and not have OCD get in the way of his life. And there is no in between for him. I just feel so depressed and defeated thinking about this whole thing. That is a dangerous place to be, as depression leads you to places where it is really hard to fight off the OCD. And I WILL NOT get back to the place I was before.
One of the hardest things for me to figure out, is how I get over feeling like he is contaminated. How do I push myself in these areas. When I don't "trust" him enough to feel emotionally safe with him, it is really difficult to even think about wanting to have a physical relationship with him. And when he finds fault in everything that I do with the OCD and is basically ashamed of me, then what am I really working for here?
At the end of the day, I have to keep fighting against this OCD for myself...and for my daughter. When I was at my most severe with this, I managed to get myself out of it (even despite his discouragement and attitude toward me). I did this with the help of God. I'm not sure that my husband understands how his attitude toward me plunged me further down. Today, I know that I am getting somewhere in this fight. I look back to when I had severe OCD and most of my days (from an OCD stanpoint) were rated at about a 2. Now most of my days (from an OCD standpoint) are about an 8. That is HUGE progress. And I will keep working on it.
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