In this struggle to get out of OCD one step at a time, I find myself comparing how I was at "x" time, versus how I am now in certain situations, to get a better feel for how I am progressing with my self-directed ERP treatment. 2 years ago, in 2013, I had great difficulty in attending any family get togethers. This went on for an entire year, where I basically avoided every single family gathering for fear or some type of contamination, mostly revolving my clothing. Last year, I still had difficulties, but forced myself to go. This year, things were quite a a bit better. I saw my niece for the first time in 20 months. That is a really big deal. It's been awhile since I've seen my sister too. I feel horrible saying this but, truthfully, this was the biggest concern I had about getting together with my family for Christmas. I didn't want my sister or my niece touching me, or hugging me. They seem more contaminated to me than the rest of my family. I thought we would be okay at first, but as the day progressed she would come up to me a few times and put her hands on me or want a hug. Things like that. I didn't hug her. I couldn't. I kind of put my hands on her arms and just smiled at her, but I did not want her to touch me. I kind of sat with my hands in my lap, not touching, anything, until I could get a chance to go wash them. Toward the end of the afternoon though, she had touched me. Really, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I still feel like my clothes are dirty though, and that is what I want to work toward in 2016. Once I got past the initial hugs with my family, and could just sit there and socialize and not worry about being touched by anyone, I had a really good time. I enjoyed myself, and I liked seeing my family. I liked socializing and just being together. I double sock when I go to someone else's house, so that is an easy fix to the problem of not wanting to "contaminate" my socks when I go there. And I wear old shoes, so that I'm not contaminating my good shoes. I really find the only problem I had on Christmas was feeling like what I was wearing was dirty. Now, I do have every intention of getting it washed up as soon as possible and back in my closet, and I wasn't even sure I would be able to do that after my niece touched me. But that is my plan. I find that once things are washed and put away, they don't feel as contaminated to me anymore. If I just let them sit in my closet for weeks on end, and don't wash them, then it's just a reminder of how "filthy" they seem to me. If I am able to wear these clothes again, that will be HUGE for me. My ultimate goal though, isn't to have these clothes feel "contaminated" going forth anymore (to the point where I would wear this outfit only when around my niece). In 2016, I really want to start "contaminating" everything, or more accurately, just being able to wear what I want when I want, and wash it all together and not worry if its clothes I wore only to the grocery store (that no one else touched) paired with clothes that I wore when hugging other people. It all gets washed together. All comes out clean together. That is what I want to work toward in this area.
Christmas gathering with my husbands side was a little more difficult. There was a meal involved at this gathering, and of course I do not eat at family gatherings. I feel very awkward and self-conscious about this, but there is just no way I can eat at family gatherings at this point. I've seen too many things in the past and my OCD pays way too much attention to details, that really truly are unsanitary. I saw people go directly to put out food, touching crackers and sandwiches with bare hands (without washing them first). My 6 month old nephew was also at this gathering, and I saw a few things his parents did that really bothered me. They would put his fingers in his diaper to check to see if he was dirty/wet, and not wash their hands. Then the baby spit up directly into his mom's hand, and she just wiped it off with a paper towel, and didn't go wash her hands or anything. So to eat at a family gathering, when you just don't know where people's hands have been, well that is just too much for me now. So, my daughter and I awkwardly sit there and don't eat anything, because of course I don't want her to eat the food either. Which works at this point, because she is a picky eater and wouldn't want to eat the food anyway. But, I do feel strange about this and I wish there was a better way to work around it. The rest of the evening went okay though. They do have dogs, which were all over the furniture and sit on the kitchen chairs, begging for food. At one point, of them even jumped on the table and got some food. Ugh......Of course, I also had to wash my carseat off when I got home, since I had been sitting on other peoples furniture.
So, even though I'm able to go to these functions now, they still present me with problems. But at least I'm not avoiding anymore. And I have faced many fears this year, in my next post I plan on summarizing what all I've accomplished in regard to the OCD in 2015, and what my plans are moving forward next year. As always, I'm amazed at how the anticipation is always worse than the event. I am glad that I have stopped avoiding many things, and have started to reclaim my life back from OCD. I hope that you will push somewhere in your fight too. I promise you, it will be worth it!!
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
A Colonoscopy with Contamination OCD...A "Crappy" Exposure, Quite Literally!
Well, I am here to tell you today that it is possible to have a colonoscopy when you have contamination OCD. And it is important if you need to have one. Colon cancer is one of the most lethal types of cancer, and unfortunately there are not many symptoms in the early stages. It is a type of cancer that by the time one starts exhibiting symptoms, it is often in late stages. I have had a long history of GI problems. It has been recommended that I have a colonoscopy a couple of other times in my life (before OCD ever entered the picture), and I just put it off and didn't do it, because the whole process made me nervous. But, I visited the GI doc again a few weeks ago and it was recommended again. Since I met my insurance deductible with my surgery last month, I decided I was just going to do this. I have been trying to sort out my physical health problems for the last few months, and this was a big thing I really needed to cross off my list I had no idea what to expect with the colonscopy. I knew the prep was going to be dreadful, but I got through it! And on the other side of the fence today, I can truly tell you that I'm glad I made the decision to go through with it. Everything turned out completely normal with my colonscopy.
The most difficult part about this process was the prepping of the colon. And I am going to be honest, I am going to get real graphic here. So, if talk of stools and diarrhea bothers you, please just skip forward to the end of this post. This is important for me to talk about, because it is the details about the prep that collided with the OCD, and I want to help someone else that may need to figure out how to deal with this as well.
As I mentioned, I had no idea how bad the diarrhea was going to get. Obviously the intent is to clear your colon out. But some things I read said that you could still make it to the toilet, just stay close by at home. Others said that they couldn't even leave the bathroom until the prep made its way through. I had 3 "rounds" of prep. My procedure was on a Friday. Starting on Wednesday night, I drank a bottle of Magnesium Citrate, which is a powerful liquid laxative. It said that it would normally produce a stool within about 30 minutes-3 hours. Meaning, I took that literally. A stool. Not so much. First of all, it didn't do anything for me until the following morning. Then all of a sudden I jolted out of bed, ran to the bathroom, and yep--it was working. 30-45 minutes straight of liquid stool. This, I would consider to be "loose stool", it did spray all over the back of the toilet and even shot somewhat onto the outside of our bathtub, which is right next to the toilet. A fact I should mention now is that I don't sit on my own toilet seat at home. I'm a squatter. Fortunately, this didn't prove to be a problem for round 1 of the prep, but it was difficult to stand there for 30-45 minutes straight. It also became very painful, and I was feeling dehydrated, and nearly passed out during this round. But when it was done, it was done. I drank my clear liquids for the remainder of the day, and just tried to relax and keep in mind that round 1 was done. Round 2 had to be similar, right?
Wrong. Round 2 and 3 was the actual split dose colon prep. I took the first dose on Thursday night, and within about 20 minutes it started to work. I was already in the bathroom waiting for it to start, squatting over as usual, and as it continued to work it's magic the stool became so watery and uncontrollable. There would have been absolutely no way I would have made it to the bathroom. I squatted there, and things started to become a real mess. Liquid stool was literally spraying out onto the toilet seat and back, dripping down my leg, onto the floor in small amounts. I would alternate between having diarrhea, using wet wipes to clean off my legs, and when I felt I might have a 3 minute break from the stools, I would quickly disinfect the toilet seat and flush, and start all over. Finally I just removed the clothes I was wearing because I could tell stool was getting onto my pajama pants and socks as it dripped down. There wasn't really anything I could do at that point, other than to let it happen. It took about 2 1/2 hours for the stools to stop. At that point it was so late at night, I just wanted to go to bed. I was truly exhausted. I disinfected the toilet, Cloroxed all around the toilet and wiped down the outside of the tub. I stepped in the shower so I could at least get clean from the waist down. I was worried about being in there too long and having an accident in the shower (and then I would really run into some cleaning problems if that happened. Fortunately it was okay, no accidents). I put on a clean outfit, laid an old comforter on the floor and slept there, about 5 feet from the bathroom. There was no way I would trust myself to sleep in bed that night. If I stooled in the bed, I wouldn't ever be able to sleep there again. I also had purchased some Depends briefs and wore one of those to bed, paranoid that I might have a stool in my sleep. I didn't though.
I didn't sleep well that night, partly because I drank so much fluid that entire day, I was honestly up urinating about every 20 minutes for the first 3 hours of sleep. Then somehow I was able to get 3 hours in a row of uninterrupted sleep, then I woke up at 5 am and just laid there anticipating round 3 and how I was going to deal with that.
I knew I could not do the whole squatting thing again. I felt like sitting on the toilet seat at that point would be less contaminating than getting actual stool all over me again. Plus I only had a few hours this time before I needed to arrive for the procedure, and I wasn't sure if I would have enough time to hop in the shower again if needed. I covered the toilet seat with paper towels, starting drinking Round 3 and just sat there for 2 1/2 hours straight again as it worked. I have to say this ended up being much easier, and I honestly wished I had just done this from the get-go. Again, I just hadn't known what to expect. There were no messes this time with the floor my clothes, although the stool did seem to still be getting all over my bottom. If you've never had a colonoscopy preop before, let me just tell that you that it feels like you have a garden hose attached to your bottom. Someone elses's words, not mine. But the best description I have found, and very true. The prep wore off about 11:30, and my dad was set to arrive about 11:45 to pick me up. I thought all was done, so I changed again, put on a new Depends brief, and my "contaminated outfit" that I wear to dirty places. Before my dad arrived, I made one trip to the bathroom, "just in case", but I ended up going again, watery and uncontrollable. I had no idea how I would make it to the endoscopy center without an accident, but I did make it. Went to the bathroom shortly after I got there, liquidy and uncontrollable again. I was mortified I would have an accident and expressed that concern to both my nurse and the doctor. As far as I know, I never did have an accident.
I was nervous about the procedure too, because I don't like to be sedated, and the whole idea of someone manueving a colonscope through your entire large intestine is a little scary. But the procedure itself was a breeze. I don't remember anything after they gave me the sedative. I have a brief recollection of being at the center afterward and sipping from a can of Sprite.
When I got home, I disinfected my bathroom. No major binge cleaning here, just disinfected the toilet, cleaned the toilet bowl and mopped the floor. Got rid of all my garbage from the last 2 days. Then I took a shower, cleaning bottom and legs REAL good, and that was it.
As I mentioned earlier, my colon was completely healthy. And I am so thankful for that. It would be easy to say, "Oh, I wish I hadn't done that. Everything was normal and I didn't even need to have that done". But that is not the case. There is no way to know it is normal, unless you have it done. It was difficult, but I got through it, and I am glad that I did it. It also helped put things into perspective for me about what is contaminated. I am always worried about "what if this" has stuff on it, or "what if that" has stuff on it. Always worried about the what-ifs and the might-be's. There was no question here. I got stool all over my legs and I'm still okay.
Even if you're reading this post and you don't suffer from OCD, I urge all of you to have your colonscopy. It is a very important thing to do for your health. As with the surgery last month, I am so glad I did this. It would be easy for me, with severe contamination OCD, to say I am going to avoid these things because they create too many problems and are "too hard" with OCD. But I want to be proactive in my health and help myself be the healthiest person I can be. I think the better I feel physically, then I am also better able to cope with the mental and emotional demands of OCD.
The most difficult part about this process was the prepping of the colon. And I am going to be honest, I am going to get real graphic here. So, if talk of stools and diarrhea bothers you, please just skip forward to the end of this post. This is important for me to talk about, because it is the details about the prep that collided with the OCD, and I want to help someone else that may need to figure out how to deal with this as well.
As I mentioned, I had no idea how bad the diarrhea was going to get. Obviously the intent is to clear your colon out. But some things I read said that you could still make it to the toilet, just stay close by at home. Others said that they couldn't even leave the bathroom until the prep made its way through. I had 3 "rounds" of prep. My procedure was on a Friday. Starting on Wednesday night, I drank a bottle of Magnesium Citrate, which is a powerful liquid laxative. It said that it would normally produce a stool within about 30 minutes-3 hours. Meaning, I took that literally. A stool. Not so much. First of all, it didn't do anything for me until the following morning. Then all of a sudden I jolted out of bed, ran to the bathroom, and yep--it was working. 30-45 minutes straight of liquid stool. This, I would consider to be "loose stool", it did spray all over the back of the toilet and even shot somewhat onto the outside of our bathtub, which is right next to the toilet. A fact I should mention now is that I don't sit on my own toilet seat at home. I'm a squatter. Fortunately, this didn't prove to be a problem for round 1 of the prep, but it was difficult to stand there for 30-45 minutes straight. It also became very painful, and I was feeling dehydrated, and nearly passed out during this round. But when it was done, it was done. I drank my clear liquids for the remainder of the day, and just tried to relax and keep in mind that round 1 was done. Round 2 had to be similar, right?
Wrong. Round 2 and 3 was the actual split dose colon prep. I took the first dose on Thursday night, and within about 20 minutes it started to work. I was already in the bathroom waiting for it to start, squatting over as usual, and as it continued to work it's magic the stool became so watery and uncontrollable. There would have been absolutely no way I would have made it to the bathroom. I squatted there, and things started to become a real mess. Liquid stool was literally spraying out onto the toilet seat and back, dripping down my leg, onto the floor in small amounts. I would alternate between having diarrhea, using wet wipes to clean off my legs, and when I felt I might have a 3 minute break from the stools, I would quickly disinfect the toilet seat and flush, and start all over. Finally I just removed the clothes I was wearing because I could tell stool was getting onto my pajama pants and socks as it dripped down. There wasn't really anything I could do at that point, other than to let it happen. It took about 2 1/2 hours for the stools to stop. At that point it was so late at night, I just wanted to go to bed. I was truly exhausted. I disinfected the toilet, Cloroxed all around the toilet and wiped down the outside of the tub. I stepped in the shower so I could at least get clean from the waist down. I was worried about being in there too long and having an accident in the shower (and then I would really run into some cleaning problems if that happened. Fortunately it was okay, no accidents). I put on a clean outfit, laid an old comforter on the floor and slept there, about 5 feet from the bathroom. There was no way I would trust myself to sleep in bed that night. If I stooled in the bed, I wouldn't ever be able to sleep there again. I also had purchased some Depends briefs and wore one of those to bed, paranoid that I might have a stool in my sleep. I didn't though.
I didn't sleep well that night, partly because I drank so much fluid that entire day, I was honestly up urinating about every 20 minutes for the first 3 hours of sleep. Then somehow I was able to get 3 hours in a row of uninterrupted sleep, then I woke up at 5 am and just laid there anticipating round 3 and how I was going to deal with that.
I knew I could not do the whole squatting thing again. I felt like sitting on the toilet seat at that point would be less contaminating than getting actual stool all over me again. Plus I only had a few hours this time before I needed to arrive for the procedure, and I wasn't sure if I would have enough time to hop in the shower again if needed. I covered the toilet seat with paper towels, starting drinking Round 3 and just sat there for 2 1/2 hours straight again as it worked. I have to say this ended up being much easier, and I honestly wished I had just done this from the get-go. Again, I just hadn't known what to expect. There were no messes this time with the floor my clothes, although the stool did seem to still be getting all over my bottom. If you've never had a colonoscopy preop before, let me just tell that you that it feels like you have a garden hose attached to your bottom. Someone elses's words, not mine. But the best description I have found, and very true. The prep wore off about 11:30, and my dad was set to arrive about 11:45 to pick me up. I thought all was done, so I changed again, put on a new Depends brief, and my "contaminated outfit" that I wear to dirty places. Before my dad arrived, I made one trip to the bathroom, "just in case", but I ended up going again, watery and uncontrollable. I had no idea how I would make it to the endoscopy center without an accident, but I did make it. Went to the bathroom shortly after I got there, liquidy and uncontrollable again. I was mortified I would have an accident and expressed that concern to both my nurse and the doctor. As far as I know, I never did have an accident.
I was nervous about the procedure too, because I don't like to be sedated, and the whole idea of someone manueving a colonscope through your entire large intestine is a little scary. But the procedure itself was a breeze. I don't remember anything after they gave me the sedative. I have a brief recollection of being at the center afterward and sipping from a can of Sprite.
When I got home, I disinfected my bathroom. No major binge cleaning here, just disinfected the toilet, cleaned the toilet bowl and mopped the floor. Got rid of all my garbage from the last 2 days. Then I took a shower, cleaning bottom and legs REAL good, and that was it.
As I mentioned earlier, my colon was completely healthy. And I am so thankful for that. It would be easy to say, "Oh, I wish I hadn't done that. Everything was normal and I didn't even need to have that done". But that is not the case. There is no way to know it is normal, unless you have it done. It was difficult, but I got through it, and I am glad that I did it. It also helped put things into perspective for me about what is contaminated. I am always worried about "what if this" has stuff on it, or "what if that" has stuff on it. Always worried about the what-ifs and the might-be's. There was no question here. I got stool all over my legs and I'm still okay.
Even if you're reading this post and you don't suffer from OCD, I urge all of you to have your colonscopy. It is a very important thing to do for your health. As with the surgery last month, I am so glad I did this. It would be easy for me, with severe contamination OCD, to say I am going to avoid these things because they create too many problems and are "too hard" with OCD. But I want to be proactive in my health and help myself be the healthiest person I can be. I think the better I feel physically, then I am also better able to cope with the mental and emotional demands of OCD.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Surgery Update...and another procedure to come in 2 more weeks!
Well, I had my surgery a couple of weeks ago. Time has gotten away from me these last couple of weeks, but I wanted to update on how that whole process went. There were a couple of things I had to do to prepare for the surgery, since it was gynecological. I had to go in and have my cervix dilated the afternoon prior and because of that I needed to take a small course of antibiotics to help prevent infection. Taking medications is typically a no-no for me. I have too many obsessions about having an allergic reaction to something, very fearful of a life threatening anaphylactic reaction, which stems back to some problems I had about 10 years ago when my OCD first took off. So to put it very blunty, this was a week of many exposures for me. But I came out on the other side of it great, and I am thankful for this process because I think it helped me to face many things I would typically avoid. A lot of "what if's", but at the end of that week everything turned out just great and it helped to show me I could take some medical "risks" and still be okay.
The antibiotic was the first hurdle. I was so fearful of this that I truly took the first dose in an ER parking lot, so that just in case I did have a reaction, I could literally walk right through the doors of the hospital. The first dose wasn't too bad, I felt myself getting a little anxious, but I didn't have a reaction! I drove home after 45 minutes because I was fine. As I continued to take the medication through the week, I did become desensitized to the anxiety and found it not to be a problem. In fact, after just a few doses of the medication it became normal and I really didn't have any anxiety at all.
The day before the procedure I went in to have my cervix dilated. They use a device called a laminaria, which is basically a matchstick size piece of sterile seaweed that absorbs fluid overnight and causes your cervix to dilate. This actually was probably the most painful part of the process, and again I was nervous about having some type of strange reaction. But once it was in, I actually did really well. Had some cramping that night, which was expected
My biggest concern with the surgery was the general anesthesia: I was really scared about this part. Scared about what would happen and being put under and not knowing what was going on. I had never been under general anesthesia before, and was truly terrified. All kinds of "what ifs" came in to play here. What if my heart stops? What if I stop breathing? What if I don't wake up? What if I have an allergic reaction to the anesthetic? Every time the nurse would ask me if I was doing okay, or when anesthesia would come in to talk to me beforehand, I would start crying, but then I would be fine until someone asked me about it again. Ultimately, it was all good though. My heart didn't stop, I didn't stop breathing, I didn't have any reaction, and I DID wake up!! I don't remember much after they put the mask on me in the OR, I was probably out within a few seconds, have a very brief memory in the recovery room, and was pretty much "back to normal" within just over an hour of the start time of the procedure (the actual surgery only took about 10-15 minutes).
Of course I also had a few concerns about the actual surgical Procedure, but nothing too terribly anxious: Nothing really bothered me much surprisingly, looking back on everything. I trust that the hospital follows good disinfection guidelines and the nurses were super on top of using hand sanitizier basically every time they came into the room and did anything with you. So I felt pretty comfortable overall there. I also knew my nurse in the outpatient surgery area, which was a bonus. She gave me lots of good TLC and lots of hugs (which hugs typically bother me, but it's weird that as I've learned to be more contaminated those things don't bother me as much).....but I knew that I was going to feel ultra contaminated from the whole hospitalization that day anyway, so I suppose part of that could have been that I knew I was going home to shower immediately afterward, and so I just let myself be contaminated while at the hospital .
There were a few things that happened in the hospital that proved to be small issues, but I found my way around them. After I got back to my room, I ate some crackers that a nurse "might" have touched", I drank from a cup that had a straw in it that was already unwrapped, there was a slight gown issue when I got there(saw some dried set in blood spots and ended up swapping that out on my own when I found some spare gowns in the cupboard in my room), had to wipe down with some antiseptic wipes (which bothers me, chemicals!), my mom kissed me on the cheek before I went down to surgery, I had to use the hospital bathroom (and the first time I got up to pee after surgery I went straight back to bed and didn't wash my hands (the nurse had to make sure I peed this time so she told ME not to flush and that she would after she checked the toilet), so since I was just peeing and wiping myself and not flushing the toilet I went straight back to bed and didn't wash my hands (for some reason this actually didn't bother me). The nurse was on top of it and handed me a wipey to use. The rest of the time I was able to wash my hands after using the restroom.
The next issue was the decontamination process when I got home: I just didn't want to bring any of the hospital germs into my house. Fortunately I felt very well when I got home. I was completely alert, moving around on my own, and felt actually very normal. I was supposed to have an adult stay with me for 24 hours, but I told my mom I felt fine and I think she realized I was doing fine. After she took me home, I let my dog out and played with her and even took a couple of garbage bags outside from my kitchen, so I seemed to be doing fine. I had all kinds of plans in place for what I would do following surgery, but it turned out I didn't need any of them. I spent a lot of time (too much time) the entire week of the surgery coming up with plans for each situation that could be present itself. I had debated if I should go over to her house to recover for the day or have her stay at my house for the day. Each would bring certain sets of complications for me. Ultimately having her come into my house and sit on my furniture or use my bathroom, would have produced a lot of contamination from the hospital, that I didn't really want to deal with. I would have had to wipe off the furniture she sat in (because she wore the clothes in the hospital), and I had even bought a huge blanket to cover the couch with, but thanks to my dog, the night before she got ahold of it and drug it all over the house. The bathroom would be tricky too, because then I would have to clean the whole bathroom the next day, which wouldn't have been a HUGE deal, but I still didn't want to go through the process. Staying at her house would have been tricky too for other reasons, but I honestly think had I needed to choose one of those options, I would have stayed at her house. I just didn't want the hospital contamination to come into my house. Since I felt so well I showered soon after she left, dumped the clothes I wore to the hospital in my closet (and I will wash those separetly but yes I WILL wear those again). I threw my underwear out because too much happened to it in the hospital. My mom had to touch it to give it back to me, I also kind of not really fell backward while I was urinating once in the bathroom, but I was trying to squat over the toilet and kind of misjudged the height and my body kind of went back and my lower thighs both very much came in contact with the toilet seat and the underwear that was around my knees at the time, made full contact with the toilet bowl seat. I had to put these back on, because I had no choice. I was bleeding and needed to have pants on. So my shower was definitely longer than usual, but it wasn't a super long complicated process. I'd say I was in there maybe 15 minutes, put on some clean clothes, rinsed my mouth out with some mouthwash and was good to go.
I faced so many things this week that I was terrified of, but I made it through it. God pulled me through. I prayed every step of the way. Didn't have any reaction to any of the meds I was given and I feel pretty good about the whole thing overall.
One thing I am mad at myself about is I kind of wished I had eaten off the hospital silverware. OK, let me rephrase that. I didn't WANT to eat off the silverware, but in retrospect I think it would have been good for my OCD. I think if I could have eaten off hospital silverware, then restaurants would have been a breeze as a step down the next time. Meaning hospital silverware was a 100 on the scale easily.
I am pleased to say that everything came back normal after my surgery. I had a few polyps that were removed, but nothing more serious than that. I do have to start taking hormones now, but after the antibiotic exposure, I'm not as nervous about taking new meds. Now I need to address another issue and have a colonoscopy done next week. I am actually not too nervous about this one. More to come on that later.
I am feeling happier lately too. More energy again, which is a good thing. I've found myself a little more motivated to do things, such as cleaning my house, and making dinner again. I'm finding in general I don't have as many issues with certain things that I used to. I can clean my bathroom (with chemicals) and not feel dirty or gross afterward. Being around my dog is getting easier. I have seen things I "don't like" when at food places and I try to just it let go the best I can. Although I will admit, I did get take out the other night from a pasta place where they put your food together right there in front of you. The gal at the front was handling cash and credit cards, then going back and putting her fingers right into the cheese to sprinkle on the pasta dishes. She did this multiple times, my food included. Needless to say, I didn't eat my food. That was a legit sanitary issue to me though, I wish I would have said something while I was there. I'm still having some laundry issues, but hoping to knock more of that out next year. Christmas is right around the corner and I don't want to avoid any family gatherings this year. I also plan to sit down and make out a list of everything I have left to accomplish to rid myself of this OCD. Since I got a pretty good start on this over the last 6-9 months, I really hope to knock a lot of other stuff out by the end of 2016 and kick things up a notch!!
The antibiotic was the first hurdle. I was so fearful of this that I truly took the first dose in an ER parking lot, so that just in case I did have a reaction, I could literally walk right through the doors of the hospital. The first dose wasn't too bad, I felt myself getting a little anxious, but I didn't have a reaction! I drove home after 45 minutes because I was fine. As I continued to take the medication through the week, I did become desensitized to the anxiety and found it not to be a problem. In fact, after just a few doses of the medication it became normal and I really didn't have any anxiety at all.
The day before the procedure I went in to have my cervix dilated. They use a device called a laminaria, which is basically a matchstick size piece of sterile seaweed that absorbs fluid overnight and causes your cervix to dilate. This actually was probably the most painful part of the process, and again I was nervous about having some type of strange reaction. But once it was in, I actually did really well. Had some cramping that night, which was expected
My biggest concern with the surgery was the general anesthesia: I was really scared about this part. Scared about what would happen and being put under and not knowing what was going on. I had never been under general anesthesia before, and was truly terrified. All kinds of "what ifs" came in to play here. What if my heart stops? What if I stop breathing? What if I don't wake up? What if I have an allergic reaction to the anesthetic? Every time the nurse would ask me if I was doing okay, or when anesthesia would come in to talk to me beforehand, I would start crying, but then I would be fine until someone asked me about it again. Ultimately, it was all good though. My heart didn't stop, I didn't stop breathing, I didn't have any reaction, and I DID wake up!! I don't remember much after they put the mask on me in the OR, I was probably out within a few seconds, have a very brief memory in the recovery room, and was pretty much "back to normal" within just over an hour of the start time of the procedure (the actual surgery only took about 10-15 minutes).
Of course I also had a few concerns about the actual surgical Procedure, but nothing too terribly anxious: Nothing really bothered me much surprisingly, looking back on everything. I trust that the hospital follows good disinfection guidelines and the nurses were super on top of using hand sanitizier basically every time they came into the room and did anything with you. So I felt pretty comfortable overall there. I also knew my nurse in the outpatient surgery area, which was a bonus. She gave me lots of good TLC and lots of hugs (which hugs typically bother me, but it's weird that as I've learned to be more contaminated those things don't bother me as much).....but I knew that I was going to feel ultra contaminated from the whole hospitalization that day anyway, so I suppose part of that could have been that I knew I was going home to shower immediately afterward, and so I just let myself be contaminated while at the hospital .
There were a few things that happened in the hospital that proved to be small issues, but I found my way around them. After I got back to my room, I ate some crackers that a nurse "might" have touched", I drank from a cup that had a straw in it that was already unwrapped, there was a slight gown issue when I got there(saw some dried set in blood spots and ended up swapping that out on my own when I found some spare gowns in the cupboard in my room), had to wipe down with some antiseptic wipes (which bothers me, chemicals!), my mom kissed me on the cheek before I went down to surgery, I had to use the hospital bathroom (and the first time I got up to pee after surgery I went straight back to bed and didn't wash my hands (the nurse had to make sure I peed this time so she told ME not to flush and that she would after she checked the toilet), so since I was just peeing and wiping myself and not flushing the toilet I went straight back to bed and didn't wash my hands (for some reason this actually didn't bother me). The nurse was on top of it and handed me a wipey to use. The rest of the time I was able to wash my hands after using the restroom.
The next issue was the decontamination process when I got home: I just didn't want to bring any of the hospital germs into my house. Fortunately I felt very well when I got home. I was completely alert, moving around on my own, and felt actually very normal. I was supposed to have an adult stay with me for 24 hours, but I told my mom I felt fine and I think she realized I was doing fine. After she took me home, I let my dog out and played with her and even took a couple of garbage bags outside from my kitchen, so I seemed to be doing fine. I had all kinds of plans in place for what I would do following surgery, but it turned out I didn't need any of them. I spent a lot of time (too much time) the entire week of the surgery coming up with plans for each situation that could be present itself. I had debated if I should go over to her house to recover for the day or have her stay at my house for the day. Each would bring certain sets of complications for me. Ultimately having her come into my house and sit on my furniture or use my bathroom, would have produced a lot of contamination from the hospital, that I didn't really want to deal with. I would have had to wipe off the furniture she sat in (because she wore the clothes in the hospital), and I had even bought a huge blanket to cover the couch with, but thanks to my dog, the night before she got ahold of it and drug it all over the house. The bathroom would be tricky too, because then I would have to clean the whole bathroom the next day, which wouldn't have been a HUGE deal, but I still didn't want to go through the process. Staying at her house would have been tricky too for other reasons, but I honestly think had I needed to choose one of those options, I would have stayed at her house. I just didn't want the hospital contamination to come into my house. Since I felt so well I showered soon after she left, dumped the clothes I wore to the hospital in my closet (and I will wash those separetly but yes I WILL wear those again). I threw my underwear out because too much happened to it in the hospital. My mom had to touch it to give it back to me, I also kind of not really fell backward while I was urinating once in the bathroom, but I was trying to squat over the toilet and kind of misjudged the height and my body kind of went back and my lower thighs both very much came in contact with the toilet seat and the underwear that was around my knees at the time, made full contact with the toilet bowl seat. I had to put these back on, because I had no choice. I was bleeding and needed to have pants on. So my shower was definitely longer than usual, but it wasn't a super long complicated process. I'd say I was in there maybe 15 minutes, put on some clean clothes, rinsed my mouth out with some mouthwash and was good to go.
I faced so many things this week that I was terrified of, but I made it through it. God pulled me through. I prayed every step of the way. Didn't have any reaction to any of the meds I was given and I feel pretty good about the whole thing overall.
One thing I am mad at myself about is I kind of wished I had eaten off the hospital silverware. OK, let me rephrase that. I didn't WANT to eat off the silverware, but in retrospect I think it would have been good for my OCD. I think if I could have eaten off hospital silverware, then restaurants would have been a breeze as a step down the next time. Meaning hospital silverware was a 100 on the scale easily.
I am pleased to say that everything came back normal after my surgery. I had a few polyps that were removed, but nothing more serious than that. I do have to start taking hormones now, but after the antibiotic exposure, I'm not as nervous about taking new meds. Now I need to address another issue and have a colonoscopy done next week. I am actually not too nervous about this one. More to come on that later.
I am feeling happier lately too. More energy again, which is a good thing. I've found myself a little more motivated to do things, such as cleaning my house, and making dinner again. I'm finding in general I don't have as many issues with certain things that I used to. I can clean my bathroom (with chemicals) and not feel dirty or gross afterward. Being around my dog is getting easier. I have seen things I "don't like" when at food places and I try to just it let go the best I can. Although I will admit, I did get take out the other night from a pasta place where they put your food together right there in front of you. The gal at the front was handling cash and credit cards, then going back and putting her fingers right into the cheese to sprinkle on the pasta dishes. She did this multiple times, my food included. Needless to say, I didn't eat my food. That was a legit sanitary issue to me though, I wish I would have said something while I was there. I'm still having some laundry issues, but hoping to knock more of that out next year. Christmas is right around the corner and I don't want to avoid any family gatherings this year. I also plan to sit down and make out a list of everything I have left to accomplish to rid myself of this OCD. Since I got a pretty good start on this over the last 6-9 months, I really hope to knock a lot of other stuff out by the end of 2016 and kick things up a notch!!
Sunday, November 8, 2015
A Trip to the Mechanic and a Baptism
Well, the trip to the mechanic is done...at least for another week or so. Yes, I have to go back again because they couldn't get everything done the first time. I went there simply to have all new tires put on my vehicle and an alignment. When I went up to pay for the services, they told me they could not do the alignment until I had some other work done. Usually my husband does all of the mechanical work to my car, but he can not do an alignment (because obviously that involves equipment only available at a tire shop). The trip itself wasn't too bad. The only real problem was the "decontamination" of my car afterward. As I mentioned in my previous post, the seatbelt was my main concern. I put on a car seat cover and a steering wheel cover and drove it over there. I was trying to get clever with the seatbelt and how I might know if they had worn it or not. So I twisted the top of the seatbelt three times and put the "seatbelt clicker" (because I'm lacking what the correct term for that is) into a little notch at the top of where the seat belt connects. If they weren't paying attention, I don't even think they would notice it. But I would notice it...and if it looked different then I would know they might have worn the seatbelt. I also set my trip odometer to zero before I walked in the shop, so I would be able to get a better gauge for if they drove it. Nothing looked different with the seatbelt and the odometer was only up about 3/10 of a mile (which would easily account for being pulled in and out of the garage and into a parking stall afterward). Regardless of this, I still cleaned my car thoroughly as I just wanted to make sure it was okay to get back in afterward, and that I would feel comfortable sitting in my seat again. It took me about 2 hours to clean the car out, which involved wiping the drivers seat and the back seat (where my daughters sits), wiping off the keys and all off the gadgets in the car (turn signals, gear shifter, door handles, etc), and wiping off my seatbelt (yes, even though they hadn't worn it), then I took a shower and changed into fresh clothes. I debated whether or not to wear the seatbelt right away, but then decided to just put it on so I didn't carry the anticipation out....and I have rode comfortably in it since. But...now I have to go back in another week or two to finish it off. So I am less nervous this time, and I am hoping I can do a less thorough clean this time, but I am still concerned about that darn seatbelt.
On another front, I have been trying really hard to not avoid most stuff. I'll be honest, there are still things I avoid. Such as my daughter has an orchestra concert at school this coming week, and I have already made up an excuse for her to get out of that (because I don't want to be in an auditorium full of people).
My husbands brother and his wife had their son baptized this morning. I have known about this for a few weeks now. I had every intention of going since we received the invitation, but I knew that I was going to need to sit in the back of the church. I figure it is better to go places even if you have to sit in the back, rather than avoid going at all. I have felt like I have been doing so much better in general with my OCD, so I figured as long as I sat in the back, I would have minimal problems there. My husbands reaction to my OCD is always a huge trigger for me and causes a lot of problems. This is nothing new and I have documented this in many places on this blog. I waited until about an hour before we left, and I told him that I would be sitting in the back of the church and to let me know if that would be a problem for him...well, it was. I am getting increasingly frustrated with his reaction to my OCD. It just seems like whatever I do, it is never enough. I should think he would be happy that I was going, but instead it was a problem because I didn't want so sit in the reserved seats up front. I get how that would be frustrating from the other side, I really do. But his yelling at me and acting like I am such an imposition and embarassment to him, is really starting to wear me thin. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I was so close to saying to forget the whole thing, and he could go himself then...but I didn't want to do that to his family. It's not their fault that he acts that way. I called my mother in law right before we left and explained the situation to her. I used my upcoming surgery as the reason for this, and that I didn't want to sit in a crowd at church where I might be exposed to something, so I would be sitting in the back. She did not seem upset at all about this. There was a luncheon after the baptism at a restaurant, where there was about 20 of us family members that ate lunch in a private room together. I considered eating off the silverware (as this would have been an exposure for me too) for the first time in a long time, but then after I saw the set up (it was a formal set up, so everything was just laid out beside the plates, not wrapped in a napkin like you might get some places) I couldn't do it. I usually don't eat with my hands either, because of the warts on my hands. They are getting better now and aren't too visible, so I decided to go ahead and order a sandwich and just eat it with my hands (so I didn't have to worry about the silveware). It's frustrating to me, because before we left he was also talking about how frustrated he was that he would have to explain why I wasn't eating at the restaurant), and so I took it upon myself to FORCE myself to do this, even though I didn't want to, because I am still not comfortable AT ALL eating with my hands. It just felt like he sat there and scrutinized my every move at the restaurant, like he was just watching me out of the corner of his eye to see what weird or unacceptable things in his eyes I would be doing. Even looking back at the event now (a few hours later), I still don't feel he has any appreciation for the things I force myself to do to appear semi "normal" at an event.
He said some very disturbing words to me before both the baptism and the mechanic trip. Both were pertaining to the idea that "why can't I just be okay with things". He is not encouraging to me at all. In fact, he is the very opposite and discouraging to me. He makes me feel that no matter what I am doing with my OCD or how far I have come, he just still can't accept where I am. And instead of being thankful and celebrating how far I have come, he yells at me and acts embarassed because I still have problems doing a lot of things. Before the baptism today, in a very irritated tone, he said to me "Why can't you just be okay with this today" (meaning why can't I just sit in the front of the church like everyone else and why can't I just eat the food and use the silverware and be normal). As if I can just shut it off like a switch for a day.
The truth is I'm really starting to accept that he will never understand this disorder, nor even try is the worst part. It is so difficult for me to understand how after knowing fully about my disorder for several years now, that he thinks I can just "shut it off" for a day. And how he thinks that yelling at me is going to motivate me to want to do things. It is discouraging is what it is. He doesn't even understand most of what I deal with, and that is his choice, not mine. Because he doesn't want to talk about it. But his attitude has always worn on me. It brings me down and it makes me feel negatively about him. I really don't have much "trust" in him anymore, from an emotional standpoint. And because I don't "trust" him or find him to be a safe person to share my emotions with, I think this is part of the reason why I feel he is so contaminated to me. I find myself avoiding a lot of things where he will be, simply because I don't want to see him roll his eyes at me, sigh, yell, or act like I'm embarassing him. It's easier to avoid and not have to deal with his reaction. The interesting thing is that I can go out and do a lot of things when he is not there, that I would have trouble doing when he was there. Again, it's just him constantly watching me and feeling a sense of shame. No matter what I do, it's just never enough for him. The problem is that he wants me to be "normal" and not have OCD get in the way of his life. And there is no in between for him. I just feel so depressed and defeated thinking about this whole thing. That is a dangerous place to be, as depression leads you to places where it is really hard to fight off the OCD. And I WILL NOT get back to the place I was before.
One of the hardest things for me to figure out, is how I get over feeling like he is contaminated. How do I push myself in these areas. When I don't "trust" him enough to feel emotionally safe with him, it is really difficult to even think about wanting to have a physical relationship with him. And when he finds fault in everything that I do with the OCD and is basically ashamed of me, then what am I really working for here?
At the end of the day, I have to keep fighting against this OCD for myself...and for my daughter. When I was at my most severe with this, I managed to get myself out of it (even despite his discouragement and attitude toward me). I did this with the help of God. I'm not sure that my husband understands how his attitude toward me plunged me further down. Today, I know that I am getting somewhere in this fight. I look back to when I had severe OCD and most of my days (from an OCD stanpoint) were rated at about a 2. Now most of my days (from an OCD standpoint) are about an 8. That is HUGE progress. And I will keep working on it.
On another front, I have been trying really hard to not avoid most stuff. I'll be honest, there are still things I avoid. Such as my daughter has an orchestra concert at school this coming week, and I have already made up an excuse for her to get out of that (because I don't want to be in an auditorium full of people).
My husbands brother and his wife had their son baptized this morning. I have known about this for a few weeks now. I had every intention of going since we received the invitation, but I knew that I was going to need to sit in the back of the church. I figure it is better to go places even if you have to sit in the back, rather than avoid going at all. I have felt like I have been doing so much better in general with my OCD, so I figured as long as I sat in the back, I would have minimal problems there. My husbands reaction to my OCD is always a huge trigger for me and causes a lot of problems. This is nothing new and I have documented this in many places on this blog. I waited until about an hour before we left, and I told him that I would be sitting in the back of the church and to let me know if that would be a problem for him...well, it was. I am getting increasingly frustrated with his reaction to my OCD. It just seems like whatever I do, it is never enough. I should think he would be happy that I was going, but instead it was a problem because I didn't want so sit in the reserved seats up front. I get how that would be frustrating from the other side, I really do. But his yelling at me and acting like I am such an imposition and embarassment to him, is really starting to wear me thin. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I was so close to saying to forget the whole thing, and he could go himself then...but I didn't want to do that to his family. It's not their fault that he acts that way. I called my mother in law right before we left and explained the situation to her. I used my upcoming surgery as the reason for this, and that I didn't want to sit in a crowd at church where I might be exposed to something, so I would be sitting in the back. She did not seem upset at all about this. There was a luncheon after the baptism at a restaurant, where there was about 20 of us family members that ate lunch in a private room together. I considered eating off the silverware (as this would have been an exposure for me too) for the first time in a long time, but then after I saw the set up (it was a formal set up, so everything was just laid out beside the plates, not wrapped in a napkin like you might get some places) I couldn't do it. I usually don't eat with my hands either, because of the warts on my hands. They are getting better now and aren't too visible, so I decided to go ahead and order a sandwich and just eat it with my hands (so I didn't have to worry about the silveware). It's frustrating to me, because before we left he was also talking about how frustrated he was that he would have to explain why I wasn't eating at the restaurant), and so I took it upon myself to FORCE myself to do this, even though I didn't want to, because I am still not comfortable AT ALL eating with my hands. It just felt like he sat there and scrutinized my every move at the restaurant, like he was just watching me out of the corner of his eye to see what weird or unacceptable things in his eyes I would be doing. Even looking back at the event now (a few hours later), I still don't feel he has any appreciation for the things I force myself to do to appear semi "normal" at an event.
He said some very disturbing words to me before both the baptism and the mechanic trip. Both were pertaining to the idea that "why can't I just be okay with things". He is not encouraging to me at all. In fact, he is the very opposite and discouraging to me. He makes me feel that no matter what I am doing with my OCD or how far I have come, he just still can't accept where I am. And instead of being thankful and celebrating how far I have come, he yells at me and acts embarassed because I still have problems doing a lot of things. Before the baptism today, in a very irritated tone, he said to me "Why can't you just be okay with this today" (meaning why can't I just sit in the front of the church like everyone else and why can't I just eat the food and use the silverware and be normal). As if I can just shut it off like a switch for a day.
The truth is I'm really starting to accept that he will never understand this disorder, nor even try is the worst part. It is so difficult for me to understand how after knowing fully about my disorder for several years now, that he thinks I can just "shut it off" for a day. And how he thinks that yelling at me is going to motivate me to want to do things. It is discouraging is what it is. He doesn't even understand most of what I deal with, and that is his choice, not mine. Because he doesn't want to talk about it. But his attitude has always worn on me. It brings me down and it makes me feel negatively about him. I really don't have much "trust" in him anymore, from an emotional standpoint. And because I don't "trust" him or find him to be a safe person to share my emotions with, I think this is part of the reason why I feel he is so contaminated to me. I find myself avoiding a lot of things where he will be, simply because I don't want to see him roll his eyes at me, sigh, yell, or act like I'm embarassing him. It's easier to avoid and not have to deal with his reaction. The interesting thing is that I can go out and do a lot of things when he is not there, that I would have trouble doing when he was there. Again, it's just him constantly watching me and feeling a sense of shame. No matter what I do, it's just never enough for him. The problem is that he wants me to be "normal" and not have OCD get in the way of his life. And there is no in between for him. I just feel so depressed and defeated thinking about this whole thing. That is a dangerous place to be, as depression leads you to places where it is really hard to fight off the OCD. And I WILL NOT get back to the place I was before.
One of the hardest things for me to figure out, is how I get over feeling like he is contaminated. How do I push myself in these areas. When I don't "trust" him enough to feel emotionally safe with him, it is really difficult to even think about wanting to have a physical relationship with him. And when he finds fault in everything that I do with the OCD and is basically ashamed of me, then what am I really working for here?
At the end of the day, I have to keep fighting against this OCD for myself...and for my daughter. When I was at my most severe with this, I managed to get myself out of it (even despite his discouragement and attitude toward me). I did this with the help of God. I'm not sure that my husband understands how his attitude toward me plunged me further down. Today, I know that I am getting somewhere in this fight. I look back to when I had severe OCD and most of my days (from an OCD stanpoint) were rated at about a 2. Now most of my days (from an OCD standpoint) are about an 8. That is HUGE progress. And I will keep working on it.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Upcoming Surgery and Contamination Concerns
So, last week I found out I need to have surgery. It is an outpatient procedure, but this will be the first time I have ever been under general anesthesia. And it will be done in the hospital. I am very nervous about the whole process, and of course the added component of OCD really complicates things. I've actually had several doctors visits in the past few months, and doctors offices are one of the more "contaminated places" for me. So, I've resorted to wearing my "contaminated outfit" for these appointments, but at least I'm able to give them one wash through a sanitary setting, and hang it back in my closet until the next time. This surgery is really going to push me. I've actually told myself several times that if I could just go in and have this done and not compulse in anyway, maybe that would knock out a serious portion of my OCD. I joke around saying it, but it's partly true. I will have to face many things during this surgery, that are high up on my hierarchy. But it's important for me to have the surgery done, and I realize this. So, I must just go with it and see how it goes.
These are my OCD concerns: hospital gown (yuck, yuck, yuck), hospital sheets, hospital pillow, dirty bedrails, having to potentially eat off hospital silverware/dishes, still feeling groggy when I get home to where I can't shower right away, the fact that when you're under general anesthesia you don't have a clue what is going on, people in the operating room touching me, feeling uneasy about the surgical equipment being sanitary enough, needing to take oral antibiotics (this is a trigger for me too, as I've always been scared to take new medication since I had panic attacks 10 years ago which were one of the first defining symptoms of my development of OCD). Just for a little background on the antibiotic concern, I found out I had some potential food allergies in 2005. One afternoon when I was driving to work I had a panic attack. Didn't realize it at the time, as I'd never had one before. I initially thought I was having an anaphylactic reaction to something that I ate. After that time I began to get very scared about what I was eating, and I started avoiding common food allergens, including a lot of medications. I am terrified of having an anaphylactic reaction to something, be it food or medication. I've gotten back to the point where I can eat most foods (other than I avoid nuts as I did test positive to those), but I have not taken any antibiotics during this whole time. But I have to take them now.
The surgery is planned for a couple of weeks from now. I am honestly planning on taking my own food and drink to the hospital. A few bottled waters in my purse, along with some baggies of crackers. I know they just want to make sure you can eat without getting sick before they send you home. I just don't think I can eat hospital food. But that is another scary thing. When I'm still feeling the effects of anesthesia, I know I won't really know what I'm doing. I will probably likely do things, that I normally wouldn't do. My OCD might go to rest during this time, and that scares me. The recovery nurse may hand me a cup of water and a straw (how do I know her hands were clean and if they touched the straw), and I may likely take a drink at that given time, because my OCD won't be telling me not to. And then I won't know what I did, and I can't shake that feeling.
When I get back to my actual room, where my mom and my daughter will be waiting for me, I have given instructions to my daughter to take notes for me on what is going on. Such as, did I take a drink of water from a hospital glass? Did I touch the bed rail and then touch my finger to my face?
To add to this, I also have to take my car in to a mechanic shop next week, to have tires put on and have them aligned. Hospitals and mechanic grease. Two of my biggest yuck-factors. This was supposed to be done last summer, but I kept putting it off. I do have a plan in place for this, which I won't get into detail with, but my biggest concern is the seatbelt. I found out during a trial run for preparing for this appointment last week, that it is possible to wash a seatbelt. Of course I have no way of asking the mechanic if he drove my car. My OCD tells me to check the odometer when I drop it off, and if its just a couple tenths of of a mile up then he probably just pulled it in and out of the garage. But if there is definitely new mileage on there, they may have driven it afterward. I don't know. Maybe I will just sit there in the shop waiting room and watch. But the seatbelt is my concern. I am worried that if I feel its contaminated enough after a mechanic has sat there and had his dirty/greasy clothes up against it, how will I feel comfortable wearing the seatbelt again? I tried to buy seatbelt covers, but there obviously isn't anything to cover the entire thing (chest and lap belts). So, I will wash it, and I guess I will have no choice but to wear it again.
For a quick update on the rest of the OCD front, I am doing okay. Becoming more comfortable with being contaminated. There have been times out in public where I have ran into an acquaintance, and they gave me a hug, or there was the time that a woman (that I didn't even know) at the grocery store put her hand on my sweatshirt while she was telling me to go ahead of her in line. Things like that throw me off, and I have to wash those clothes separately. But I am so happy that I am no longer throwing things away anymore because of that. And I'm actually finding out that they don't bother me as much as they used to (it still bugs me, but I don't fixate on it like I did in the past).
If anyone has any friendly advice or tips on how to deal with the surgery or the mechanic, I would greatly appreciate it. I will post an update later this week after the mechanic (that is the lesser of my worries though), and a little longer update on how I've been doing in general.
These are my OCD concerns: hospital gown (yuck, yuck, yuck), hospital sheets, hospital pillow, dirty bedrails, having to potentially eat off hospital silverware/dishes, still feeling groggy when I get home to where I can't shower right away, the fact that when you're under general anesthesia you don't have a clue what is going on, people in the operating room touching me, feeling uneasy about the surgical equipment being sanitary enough, needing to take oral antibiotics (this is a trigger for me too, as I've always been scared to take new medication since I had panic attacks 10 years ago which were one of the first defining symptoms of my development of OCD). Just for a little background on the antibiotic concern, I found out I had some potential food allergies in 2005. One afternoon when I was driving to work I had a panic attack. Didn't realize it at the time, as I'd never had one before. I initially thought I was having an anaphylactic reaction to something that I ate. After that time I began to get very scared about what I was eating, and I started avoiding common food allergens, including a lot of medications. I am terrified of having an anaphylactic reaction to something, be it food or medication. I've gotten back to the point where I can eat most foods (other than I avoid nuts as I did test positive to those), but I have not taken any antibiotics during this whole time. But I have to take them now.
The surgery is planned for a couple of weeks from now. I am honestly planning on taking my own food and drink to the hospital. A few bottled waters in my purse, along with some baggies of crackers. I know they just want to make sure you can eat without getting sick before they send you home. I just don't think I can eat hospital food. But that is another scary thing. When I'm still feeling the effects of anesthesia, I know I won't really know what I'm doing. I will probably likely do things, that I normally wouldn't do. My OCD might go to rest during this time, and that scares me. The recovery nurse may hand me a cup of water and a straw (how do I know her hands were clean and if they touched the straw), and I may likely take a drink at that given time, because my OCD won't be telling me not to. And then I won't know what I did, and I can't shake that feeling.
When I get back to my actual room, where my mom and my daughter will be waiting for me, I have given instructions to my daughter to take notes for me on what is going on. Such as, did I take a drink of water from a hospital glass? Did I touch the bed rail and then touch my finger to my face?
To add to this, I also have to take my car in to a mechanic shop next week, to have tires put on and have them aligned. Hospitals and mechanic grease. Two of my biggest yuck-factors. This was supposed to be done last summer, but I kept putting it off. I do have a plan in place for this, which I won't get into detail with, but my biggest concern is the seatbelt. I found out during a trial run for preparing for this appointment last week, that it is possible to wash a seatbelt. Of course I have no way of asking the mechanic if he drove my car. My OCD tells me to check the odometer when I drop it off, and if its just a couple tenths of of a mile up then he probably just pulled it in and out of the garage. But if there is definitely new mileage on there, they may have driven it afterward. I don't know. Maybe I will just sit there in the shop waiting room and watch. But the seatbelt is my concern. I am worried that if I feel its contaminated enough after a mechanic has sat there and had his dirty/greasy clothes up against it, how will I feel comfortable wearing the seatbelt again? I tried to buy seatbelt covers, but there obviously isn't anything to cover the entire thing (chest and lap belts). So, I will wash it, and I guess I will have no choice but to wear it again.
For a quick update on the rest of the OCD front, I am doing okay. Becoming more comfortable with being contaminated. There have been times out in public where I have ran into an acquaintance, and they gave me a hug, or there was the time that a woman (that I didn't even know) at the grocery store put her hand on my sweatshirt while she was telling me to go ahead of her in line. Things like that throw me off, and I have to wash those clothes separately. But I am so happy that I am no longer throwing things away anymore because of that. And I'm actually finding out that they don't bother me as much as they used to (it still bugs me, but I don't fixate on it like I did in the past).
If anyone has any friendly advice or tips on how to deal with the surgery or the mechanic, I would greatly appreciate it. I will post an update later this week after the mechanic (that is the lesser of my worries though), and a little longer update on how I've been doing in general.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Real OCD is when...
Wow! It has been almost 3 months since I have blogged. I've been trying to sort out some physical health issues in my life the past couple of months, so my OCD treatment has kind of taken a backseat for the time being. No worries, I'm doing pretty well in the OCD department right now. Tackling some smaller things, but as soon as I get these physical issues sorted out I plan to get back on track and start taking out big chunks of this thing again.
My main reason for posting today is because it is OCD awareness week. And OCD does need awareness, doesn't it? I think I've read somewhere on about every OCD blog I've read about people's frustrations with how casually the words "I'm so OCD", can be thrown around. So, I thought it would be interesting, because of OCD awareness week, to just point out what real OCD is. These are just a few of the many examples I could give, things that I have done because of OCD. Thankfully some of these items are from a long time ago, but there always contamination issues that present themselves for me every day. So here is what real OCD is:
My main reason for posting today is because it is OCD awareness week. And OCD does need awareness, doesn't it? I think I've read somewhere on about every OCD blog I've read about people's frustrations with how casually the words "I'm so OCD", can be thrown around. So, I thought it would be interesting, because of OCD awareness week, to just point out what real OCD is. These are just a few of the many examples I could give, things that I have done because of OCD. Thankfully some of these items are from a long time ago, but there always contamination issues that present themselves for me every day. So here is what real OCD is:
--When you haven't seen your niece in almost 2 years because you don't want her to hug you.
--When you don't eat at restaurants because you don't want to use the silverware/glasses that other people use
--When you haven't had any type of physical relationship with your husband for over 3 years due to fears of becoming "contaminated" by him
--When you wash your hands before AND after using the restroom
--When you, in a sense, make your own child fearful of touching her dad because you are always talking about how dirty he is. You won't let your child hug her dad.
--When you don't eat at restaurants because you don't want to use the silverware/glasses that other people use
--When you haven't had any type of physical relationship with your husband for over 3 years due to fears of becoming "contaminated" by him
--When you wash your hands before AND after using the restroom
--When you, in a sense, make your own child fearful of touching her dad because you are always talking about how dirty he is. You won't let your child hug her dad.
--When you avoided getting your hair cut for 8 months straight because you didn't want to sit in the stylists chair and contaminate your clothes with hair dye/color from the chair.
--When you don't take your car to the mechanic because you're not sure how you'd deal with the contamination of the car seat after the mechanic sits in it--what to do with the seat, seat belt, etc.
--When you have one special outfit that you wear to very contaminated places (doctors offices). It gets washed and put back in the closet until the next time. It is to be worn nowhere else.
--When you lock in your keys in your car and you dread calling someone to pick you up to take you to pick your child up from school, because you don't want to sit in their car and have your clothes contaminated. So you rely on the above mentioned "contaminated outfit" above.
--When you try to buy a purse from a store and end up returning and repurchasing another one three times in the same day (even going to different franchise of the store) because the cashiers have done various things during the process (touching drink straw to the purse handle, or the cashier possibly had a draining sore on their lip).
--When you take back clothes to the store because the cashier licked their finger before they touched your clothes and put them in the bag to take home
--When you take back clothes to the store because the cashier licked their finger before they touched your clothes and put them in the bag to take home
--When your clothes are designated for outside or inside use
--When you will absolutely not go barefoot in your house because you're afraid of contaminating your feet and spreading it all over the house
--When you stop using cleaners to clean your bathroom for a period of time, because you're afraid of chemicals
--When you have to wash a load of laundry through two to three cycles to feel like it is clean.
--When you go to a sandwich shop and the person assembling the sandwiches (with gloves on) pushes something on the cash register screen, and goes back to making the food, and you end up leaving and making an excuse that you forgot your money in the car
--When you go to a sandwich shop and the person assembling the sandwiches (with gloves on) pushes something on the cash register screen, and goes back to making the food, and you end up leaving and making an excuse that you forgot your money in the car
--When you go to a work meeting and pretend you hurt your knee so you can stand up in the back, and kind of not look stupid (so you don't have to contaminate yourself by sitting in a public chair)
--When someone possibly brushes up against you at the store and you have to wash those items separately from the rest of your clothes, so you don't "mix" the contaminated stuff with the clean stuff
--When you have your daughter wear different socks to school on the days she has gym class, and wash those socks separately from everything else because the school floor is contaminated
--When you wash your couch off everyday "just in case" your husband might have came out during the night and sat on the couch
--When you wash your carseat off everytime after you sit in a "public seat"
--When you line dry your clothes instead of using the clothes dryer, because the dryer is "contaminated" after having your husbands clothes in it (even after they've been washed)
--When you run an empty cycle in the morning before you start your laundry (to clean out the washing machine after the last use)
--When you basically depleted your entire closet of clothes over a 6 month period because everything felt too dirty to even be washed at one point
--When you develop warts all over your hands because of such frequent handwashing
--When you didn't go to family events for a year straight because of fear of contamination
--When you start to avoid everything around you. Everything and everyone. When you start to avoid these things in life, that is the beginning of your spiral deep down into OCD. I really believe that.
Well, the truth is that I could go on and on. Real OCD is life affecting, certainly. It affects the sufferer and everyone around them. I thank God that I have come as far as I have in my treatment over the last year. Self guided treatment that has changed my life significantly. I have gone from rock bottom extreme OCD to probably moderate levels at this point. And that is something to celebrate. I still have a long way to go, but every day I get closer.
The struggle with OCD is real. Through this struggle, I have developed a true passion for learning about the disorder. It is evident how much awareness this disorder truly needs. 1 in 40 Americans have OCD. That is very significant. If you are struggling with OCD, I urge you to find help. For many people, it truly does take them hitting rock bottom to realize that they can't live this way any longer. And you don't have to live like this any longer. When you make the decision to not let OCD control you, it is going to be a process. But as you grow healthier fighting against this, you are taking your life back from this disorder. Each and every day it gets better. I genuinely feel for every one of you that has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A brain based, neuropsychological disorder. Real OCD. Not quirks, not a personality character. You are brave, courageous people. One of the really cool things about blogger is that you can see what keywords people are searching to bring you to your page or post. My heart breaks at most of the phrases that are used to bring people here. There is a lot of suffering with this disorder, I am certain of that. I know that first hand too.
I love to hear from my readers, so if you're reading this please leave a comment for me and let me know what real OCD is for you. Let's keep drawing awareness to this disease.
--When you start to avoid everything around you. Everything and everyone. When you start to avoid these things in life, that is the beginning of your spiral deep down into OCD. I really believe that.
Well, the truth is that I could go on and on. Real OCD is life affecting, certainly. It affects the sufferer and everyone around them. I thank God that I have come as far as I have in my treatment over the last year. Self guided treatment that has changed my life significantly. I have gone from rock bottom extreme OCD to probably moderate levels at this point. And that is something to celebrate. I still have a long way to go, but every day I get closer.
The struggle with OCD is real. Through this struggle, I have developed a true passion for learning about the disorder. It is evident how much awareness this disorder truly needs. 1 in 40 Americans have OCD. That is very significant. If you are struggling with OCD, I urge you to find help. For many people, it truly does take them hitting rock bottom to realize that they can't live this way any longer. And you don't have to live like this any longer. When you make the decision to not let OCD control you, it is going to be a process. But as you grow healthier fighting against this, you are taking your life back from this disorder. Each and every day it gets better. I genuinely feel for every one of you that has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A brain based, neuropsychological disorder. Real OCD. Not quirks, not a personality character. You are brave, courageous people. One of the really cool things about blogger is that you can see what keywords people are searching to bring you to your page or post. My heart breaks at most of the phrases that are used to bring people here. There is a lot of suffering with this disorder, I am certain of that. I know that first hand too.
I love to hear from my readers, so if you're reading this please leave a comment for me and let me know what real OCD is for you. Let's keep drawing awareness to this disease.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
A Breakthrough Exposure
I believe that part of my mental preparation with this exposure, was knowing that there was no way to protect my clothes during this event. When I go out socially normally, I am so worried that there might be a chance someone might hug me or touch my clothes with their hands, and I want so badly to "protect" my clothes. If someone hugged me, then I would have to clean my carseat, wash that laundry separately a couple of times (or even toss out), and so I would avoid the whole ordeal and skip out on social events because it was easier that way. But it was making me worse in the meantime. Isolating me too. Avoidance is one of the worst things you can do to get further drawn into OCD's web. I knew that because I graduated in a class of about 275 people, that I was definitely going to be hugged and touched by many people that night, and there wasn't going to be one darn thing I could do about. So, I went. I didn't give in, because I knew this could potentially be a wonderful chance at exposure. And I am SO glad I did. I truly believe this could be a breakthrough for me
They had a photo both there, and one of my old friends grabbed me immediately and took me right over. Of course they have an assortment of things you can "wear", that have been worn by all kinds of other people. Hats, scarves, eyewear. Stuff I would never normally wear. But I figured I was there, and I was going to expose myself, and I was just going to pretend I didn't have OCD for the night, the best that I could. My friend immediately put on a police helmet and handed me one too, so we could match. So, I just slipped it right on and tried not to think about it. As I thought would happen, I hugged multiple people that night. It was very crowded in the private room, so people were sliding by constantly and I was in very close quarters with everyone. I was surprised by how little these things bothered me. By the end of the night I was even touching my own clothes, to adjust my shirt, or fluff up my hair a little bit. And I don't EVER touch my own clothes normally, especially when I have been touching things out in public--doorknobs, etc.
As far as how did I wash my clothing when I got home? A few days later, I washed the outfit I wore in a sanitary washing setting--just one time through--and all the clothes are currently back in my closet ready to be incorporated back into my normal wardrobe. No need to consider them contaminated anymore.
All in all, it was really a success. They key here is that I need to continue to go out to social events. I have proven to myself that I can do it. My hope is that I continue to do it, that all of my outside clothes will eventually be contaminated, and that there will be nothing to protect anymore. I am thinking that the way to keep going about this is to work on contaminating myself in the outside world, and then eventually moving to my own home/safe spaces.
This event made me realize how truly important it is to be involved socially. I have not been out with friends in years. I actually had a lot of fun. I smiled, I laughed, I had a great time. I even stayed longer than I anticipated. And I kind of wished I had bought tickets for the entire reunion (that went on the whole weekend).
This just goes to show, as the picture above portrays, that you do have to be willing to be uncomfortable to change. If we stay in our "comfort zone" in OCD, we will never truly get better. It is when we take those big steps and let ourselves feel the discomfort, that we truly create change...and start getting our lives back.
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