Just a quick update on my progress, since I've posted a lot recently but have neglected to talk about my progress over the past few months. Where I'm gaining victories and where I'm struggling.
My husband: Biggest OCD trigger by far. I just can not seem to get anywhere in this category. Of course this is because it would require that he cooperate and learn about this part of my OCD, which he at this point seems very resistant to doing. His level of contamination continues to grow. As I've pondered this a lot lately, I've tried to come up with some theories of why I feel contaminated by him. It is contaminated in a dirty sense, but also emotional component. It started out with his hands that were contaminated, then it grew to his body. Then it grew to his clothes and his personal items. I want a 5 foot bubble around me when he is at home, because I'm afraid he is going to contaminate me. His clothes really bother me. I've pondered what if I started washing everything of his through a sanitary wash cycle on my washer? I am not able to hug him right now, so by default there are a lot of other things that don't go on and haven't for quite some time. What if I started making a plan with him as far as what I am willing to work on, provided that he does indeed change the things that are of sanitary concern (such as picking up his clothes, finding a hamper for his clothes), cleaning his sheets. I need to come up with a list of exposures to start working on. The way I deal with other people feeling contaminated is to come home, take my clothes off and put them through the washer by themself. In reality, I can not do this every day with my husband. I would honestly like to get to the point where I can hug him, or have his clothes brush up against me, and it doesn't bother me. His hands feel less contaminated to me, than his clothes. I am going to start making a hierarchy and working on exposures, such as placing my hands next to him, having him touch my hand, and working my way up the ladder. Of course, again this necessitates that he understands what the purpose and goal of the treatment is. He does not like to talk about my OCD, and I am not sure how this conversation will go. If he starts rolling his eyes and sighing at me as I'm doing an exposure, I'm not sure I will feel like this is going to be something I want to pursue. I need his support and I need him to understand that.
My dog: I have more trouble with her when she vomits in her bed, which she doesn't do very often. Then I feel like she lays in it, and somehow there could be vomit particles in her fur. Then when she brushes against me, I don't like that and feel like that transfers to my clothes. I haven't been throwing things away anymore though because of this, so this is good. It doesn't bother me as much anymore. She acts as a source of "secondary contamination" between my husband and I. So when he is hugging her or holding her, then I feel like his clothes contaminate her, and then she could pass that contamination onto me if she brushes against me. Overall though, I feel like I am doing better with her than I was previously. Because she used to pee in the house a lot, I started wearing slippers. I was replacing slippers very often, sometimes daily, 6 months ago, and I have been much better about that too. If her ball gets my slipper I can deal with it better. If her ball gets my clothes, that will put me over the edge though. I'm not sure if its the fact that it's been in her mouth, or that my husband has handled it...but it is too contaminated for me. In those cases, I would still throw my clothes away. Because of this, I am really careful around her. If I pay close enough attention, then it's not a problem. But if it does happen, it is still a problem...so obviously I am still having issues in that area.
Handwashing: Terrible again. I had been doing better at using non-antibacterial soap, but I'm finding I've reverted back to antibacterial most of the time. I have the warts on my hands which are still causing me a lot of problems. I feel like I want to wash when I've touched the doors to let the dog out, especially if my husband has touched those doors. I still don't want to touch my clothes without washing my hands first, for example even when using the bathroom. I've been wearing gloves which has helped to reduce handwashing some. My hands are dry again and unhealthy looking. I really need to push myself to get back to using more non antibacterial soap and try to limit my handwashing. I need to start finding safe items in my house, maybe starting with the remotes, laptop and tablet...that I could contaminate myself with (touching objects, rubbing hands on clothes and not washing), and working my way up to higher contaminated items. I have made progress in this area before, but I keep falling back. I think if I'm consistent, I can do better though.
Laundry: Doing pretty well with this overall, I am pleased with how far I have come in this category. Last week I found a coin trapped in the washing machine that came from my husbands pants, it was stuck in a divider in the washer. Everything with the OCD screamed at me to throw away everything I had washed after that, because it is all contaminated by the coin now. But I have made so much progress in the last 6 months or so with the laundry, that I can not allow myself to do that. I will not throw anything away. It did feel contaminated, but I knew I needed to deal with it. I continued to wash clothes in the washer the entire week, basically "contaminating" everything I own, and didn't throw it away. Surprisingly, it didn't even bother me that much. He has removed the coin since. This is a huge source of victory for me, as this would have been something even a month ago I would never have been able to do. Every item, had this happened then, would have been thrown away and I would have been replacing probably $200 worth of stuff (towels, gym clothes, and sleepwear). But I kept it all and I am proud of myself for that. I am still shutting off toilets when I do the laundry (master bath and downstairs). I am only washing loads one time through at this point, where previously I was doing multiple cycles through the wash. I am still separating out loads by "level of contamination"--but this is okay right now. I find I'm spending significantly less time on laundry. Washing my husband's stuff on the weekends and cleaning the washer afterward, so my weekends are much freer in that sense. Even am able to not do laundry for 1/2 day or even a couple of days, if I really needed to, which means I can get to the grocery store and appointments better. I am not nearly as tied down. Also not "watching" the washer like I used to. I do check a couple of times to make sure there are soap suds, but I don't stand there for 3/4 of the cycle like I did 12-18 months ago, "making sure they were getting cleaned". I think the next thing in this category is maybe combining more types of clothes. Eventually getting the toilets to stay on while I do laundry. But for now, I am pretty happy where I am with this. Probably need to concentrate more on other things right now.
Clothing contamination: Have thrown away a few things, but MUCH MUCH better in this area. I can tolerate the feeling of being brushed against at the store. For items that do feel more contaminated, I wash those separately, but still only once. I was able to wash and rewear the clothing that we wore to families over Christmas, which was huge for me. I need to keep contaminating myself and sitting in public places and washing the clothing.
Food: Doing better in this category. I've been able to make lots of progress. I still for some reason like to eat at my "safe" restaurants. I bought cinnamon rolls the other day at the bakery, even when I had seen the bakery girls blowing their nose and sneezing the day before. I ate lasagna I picked up at Italian takeout, even though one of the workers there was rinsing their hand on the water and appeared to have cut themselves. I see the rusted pans in the bakery and I still eat the foods there. Checkers and sackers at the store have licked their fingers to peel off a plastic bag and I just deal with it and move on. I used to have a harder time with this. I still don't like it, it grosses me out, but I am able to move on and not let it affect me all day anymore. I do need to work on expanding my food and eating at some other restaurants or going through different drive thrus. Once we get through flu season, I need to get back into a restaurant and try eating there. For now, I should make goals of trying different places for take out though.
Germs in General: This is tough, because influenza and pertussis are a problem in our town. Also measles is being reported throughout the US. I am still finding myself wanting to go to the store during non-peak times, although I do sometimes go on the weekends and afternoons/evenings, when they are busier. I have had people in line behind me cough on me, and I am still very observant about what is going on around me. I think I deal with this better in general though, than I used to. I don't want to be in the same room or area where someone that is sick with a cold/cough is, but just to be out and about in general I'm finding is easier. Part of this is probably because I avoid crowds of people. I need to get back to church and be more social in general. Get to more gatherings, go to concerts. I suppose then, that the fear of contamination, still bothers me here.
Work Issues: Doing much better with this, as well. I have become much more productive with my work, compared to where I was last year at this time. I still catch myself falling into "magical thinking" at times. Thinking if I don't chart "just so", then something bad will happen. What I really need to do to push myself to completely break this category and obliterate it from my OCD routines, is to start "charting wrong" (I'm a nurse). What I mean is to chart abbreviated and in incomplete sentences. I have been starting to do this.
Safe zones: Big problem right now. Still don't want to spread the trail of contamination between my "clean" and "dirty" worlds. I have not washed the couch for about a week now, and I didn't even wash the kitchen chairs the other night before we ate, which was huge for me. Safe zones on our side of the house are off limits to my husband. I have something else I've been doing as a big compulsion in this area, but I'm too embarrassed to even write about it on my blog, so I won't for now. :) I don't want to sit with my jeans that I've worn out in public, on the couch. I very much want to separate outside from inside. I have expanded to sitting on the other couch cushion of our loveseat, and that was big for me too.
I feel like the areas I'm making the biggest progress in are work related issues and laundry.
I think that my world outside of OCD would expand if I worked on the clothing contamination and safe zones.
I think that the issue I have with my husband is ultimately the biggest piece of the puzzle with my OCD and other things including chemical contamination and safe zones might work themselves out on their own, if I started working on the issues with him. But the problem is I need a commitment from him to work on this, and I'm not sure I can get that.
Where do I go from here: Devise a plan that I can share with my husband and encourage him to commit to. I am willing to work on a plan that we can both be happy with, if he can commit to encouragement, working on his part, and being supportive. Try a new take-out place. Contaminate my clothes (don't wash hands before going to the bathroom). Start trying to mix clothing together in washer, that I normally wouldn't.
I need some good exposure ideas, friends. I know what I should be doing, but they all seem difficult for now. I would love to hear if anyone has any ideas. For those of you that are way ahead of me in this, where did you start?
Monday, February 16, 2015
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Emotional Contamination in Marriage: Part 2
I apologize in advance, because this is going to be a long series. My marriage is always on my mind. I'm not sure if you would call it "relationship OCD" or "emotional contamination" because I think they are indeed different things. Because I have OCD I tend to naturally overanalyze and think about everything, and my marriage is no different. A few years ago I saw a psychologist and the reason for those visits was threefold. To discuss my OCD, how the OCD affected my marriage, and finally to discuss the marriage itself (the problems aside from those related to the OCD. More classic problems like communication, time, etc.). After taking much time to figure out how I would organize these posts, I've come to the conclusion that there may not be an organized way to go about doing this. These issues are so complicated for me, and literally draining me. There are so many thoughts, ideas, theories, and hurts that go through my mind on a daily basis. I just want to get these posts out there. Since this series is about emotional contamination, I'm going to try to stick to that mostly. My husband definitely triggers me in my "classic contamination" issues, so there will be much more about that in future posts. So for now, I'm going to be a rambling woman. I've thought about all of the feelings I have related to my husband and how they make me feel, and this is a brainstormed list of what I was able to come up with: feeling neglected, contempt, eye rolling, not acknowledging progress with my OCD, refusing to talk about my OCD, not communicating, almost constant Ipad, internet searching, Craigslist, and videos, not eating dinner with my our daughter and, not seeming to appreciate me, partaking in own hobbies over family time, disconnection, doesn't include me in decisions, farming (his side job/hobby) seems like a separate life, not safe to share feelings, no resolution to conflict, he can do things that aren't a big deal, but gets mad at me when I do them, blames me for things, doesn't take responsibility for his part of marriage problems, he does not want to help me or be a partner, I feel a sense of disgust when I am around him or his things, on the occasions he does eat dinner with us he looks at the Internet instead of interacting with us at the table leaves the table when he is done, he really doesn't know me at all, he is oblivious to the fact when I am speaking to him, because he is so focused on his phone or tablet, he leaves the house without saying anything and comes in the door without saying anything often, he makes time for his friends, but not for us. I have made him special meals or desserts for birthday, and he doesn't even acknowledge it. Once I made a caramel apple pie for his birthday that took me hours and our daughter and I sat down at the table to eat it, and he just went to the kitchen counter and flipped the TV on and started eating his. These are just examples that come to mind.
I'm not saying I'm a perfect person. I am far from that. I am just as capable of him as the eye rolling, contempt, sarcasm, everything I've listed above. But because this is related to my feelings, this is what I'm focusing this post on. Our relationship wasn't always ruled by these things. Our relationship was once very healthy. I think that different things affected us in different ways, and we started going separate ways. We started dealing with our relationship problems alone, rather than together. And the downward spiral started, then began to spin faster and faster as the years went by.
In a nutshell, the biggest word I can draw everything down to is emotional neglect or abandonment. Yes, he is physically here. But, there is no emotional connection. A lot of this started early on in our marriage, BEFORE the OCD started. I felt like I wasn't enough for him. He was always making time for something else, but not for me. On top of that, there was no communication, and no resolution to conflict. His time became occupied with numerous things in our marriage--drinking, poker, friends, farming, schoolwork (going back to get his Masters degree). Through the years the disconnection has grown. It has moved to what I feel is being addicted to his phone and iPad. Countless hours spent daily searching the Internet, and watching videos. Mindless activity. Our relationship has suffered greatly.
I do want to make a point briefly of going back to my childhood, and I will share some theories on this later too. My parents and I did not have a real close relationship when I was growing up, which I am just realizing now as an adult. My dad tended to get angry at times, and my mom was more distant. I think I got along with them well until my teenage years, and then we just did not relate. I know that my mom struggled with mental health issues when I was growing up, but I don't know what those actually were. It was very hush-hush in my family, but I recall my dad sitting my sister and I aside often, becoming teary, and talking about it. I don't remember them asking me about schoolwork or friends in general. It's possible they did, but I don't remember that. I don't remember being talked to about drugs, alcohol, or relationships. I don't remember getting talks about life. We never talked about the things that should be talked about in a parent/child relationship, so I suppose it's possible that I developed some attachment disorder. My sister has recalled and pondered upon these same things too. It's not that I don't love my parents. Of course, I love them. Even when I see them now, they often feel or seem like strangers. Like I don't really know them in an emotional sense. When I started dating my husband, things seemed very different. I had dated a few guys off and on before him, but none of them I connected with emotionally. When I met him, things were different. He wanted to talk to me, he wanted to be with me. He cherished me. We talked about anything and everything, he did know me very well at that point. I held on to that feeling of connection, because I treasured it with someone. Fast forward 15+ years and I don't think he knows me at all. I don't even feel safe going to him with emotional things anymore, because I'm met with indifference. Maybe the feeling of being emotionally disconnected early in our marriage triggered something in me, that I related back to my childhood years. This is very possible, and something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. Once our daughter came along and I sensed the loss of emotional disconnect with my husband, I started leeching onto my daughter for connection. My emotional investment has gone into my daughter now and I protect the both of us. That is what my OCD is trying to do.
Theories on why I feel emotionally contaminated by him:
*I feel like because he didn't need me back then, that I don't need him
*I somehow want to punish him for all the hurt I have felt through the years
*I want to put as much distance between myself and him as possible
* I bared my heart to him in the past (and still do), and then he abandoned me emotionally
*Beer and his technological devices serve as a reminder everytime he is on them of how he has abandoned me and disconnected
*I have negative self-talk regarding him and have labeled him as "stupid" and an "idiot"
*I feel trapped in the marriage and the OCD also makes me feel trapped. It makes me more resentful because I feel like I have a loss of freedom in my home, and am not able to do the things I want to do, so I'm even more mad at him
*Maybe I feel like I've never been what he wants in a relationship. All of the years of him going through different activities and making me a last priority. I have also let myself go physically in the last year and a half or so. Not that I ever cared about makeup or hair or clothes. But I've found myself just not even taking care of myself. Not taking care of my teeth, I also severely clench my teeth at night, not taking care of myself nutritionally. Not exercising or even wanting to go out and do anything. Loss of motivation. I am now going on 8 months without a haircut, which I have never done before (although I do have an appointment to get my hair colored/cut in a couple of weeks. More on that later). I stopped wearing make up and wearing hairspray (a lot of this was for OCD reasons too).
*I have bared my heart to him and worn my emotions on my sleeve throughout our relationship. I am a very emotional, passionate, creative, relationship oriented person (as a lot of people with OCD are). So many times I've bared my heart to him, I've been met with indifference. So many times, I've cried about different things--gut wrenching cries and he sits unphased in front of me. I've asked him for physical contact (hugs) at the end of fights earlier in our marriage (when the OCD didn't see him as contaminated), and he flat out denied me. He blames me for a lot of things and becomes angry. I never knew my husband was such an angry person. I realize a lot of this is because of the OCD, but it doesn't help. He doesn't want to say "I'm sorry" when he hurts me, and that has put so many forks in the road. It feels like there is a bridge with those wooden planks going across it, and so many planks have been removed that I don't know how to get from one side to the other. I don't know if I can.
*Maybe, just maybe, really subconsciously deep down I have wanted out of the relationship. After all, I wrote a journal 10 years ago mincing no words about how badly I wanted out of the marriage. Is it possible that this is somehow aimed at hoping he will leave? I honestly don't think so. Because, ultimately I want my marriage to work. I always have. And why would I go about this crazy path of OCD taking pieces of everyones lives? The only answer would lie in that it was so subconscious. I honestly don't think this is the case though.
Other thoughts:
I don't think this part of my OCD ever will get better. I am not motivated to work on getting close to him, because I don't feel close to him. Why would I want to purposely come into contact with his clothes or contaminated items, so that I can feel the pain and anxiety associated with that. I want to avoid the pain of the feelings I have when around him. Unfortunately the OCD brings more problems into our relationship and his attitude toward my OCD brings me more pain. It is like a cycle that just doesn't quit. I don't feel "safe" with him, emotionally. Therefore I want to protect myself from any kind of harm he could possibly bring to me, even it if it's perceived harm. I think I am so mad at him, and then he feels even more contaminated to me because he seems "dirty" to me, which compounds the problem. I think the more unsanitary I see him, the harder I try to keep my distance from him. And the more distance I keep, the more he thinks it doesn't matter. He continues to live doing things unsanitarily. Im not sure if its to prove a point to me or not (this is getting into more of how I feel he is actually more "classically contaminated" though which I will get into in a future post soon.
I never knew how capable I was of being an angry person, as well. The OCD has made me such an angry person. I am also angry because of my husband and the problems that we have. I sometimes feel like my blood is boiling when around him, and I watch him in front of me and get upset about everything about him. Almost every time we discuss our relationship, he draws everything back to my OCD> This is not a healthy way for anyone to live--my husband or I, or my daughter. Sometimes I don't know if, or how long, I can keep doing this. But divorce is not an option for me.
On a final note today, the OCD has drawn me closer in relationship to God. After all, it is God who gets me through this. My husband doesn't understand what I'm going through. My daughter has a very good understanding and is very empathetic. Sometimes I think I tell her too many details because she is so understanding. I have put this burden on her too. But she still can't completely understand either, as she does not have the OCD mind that I do. God DOES understand what I am going through, and He has been with me every step of the way. And HE is with you too, no matter where you are at with your OCD.
Lots more to write on this again soon. This has become much longer than I planned for tonight!
I'm not saying I'm a perfect person. I am far from that. I am just as capable of him as the eye rolling, contempt, sarcasm, everything I've listed above. But because this is related to my feelings, this is what I'm focusing this post on. Our relationship wasn't always ruled by these things. Our relationship was once very healthy. I think that different things affected us in different ways, and we started going separate ways. We started dealing with our relationship problems alone, rather than together. And the downward spiral started, then began to spin faster and faster as the years went by.
In a nutshell, the biggest word I can draw everything down to is emotional neglect or abandonment. Yes, he is physically here. But, there is no emotional connection. A lot of this started early on in our marriage, BEFORE the OCD started. I felt like I wasn't enough for him. He was always making time for something else, but not for me. On top of that, there was no communication, and no resolution to conflict. His time became occupied with numerous things in our marriage--drinking, poker, friends, farming, schoolwork (going back to get his Masters degree). Through the years the disconnection has grown. It has moved to what I feel is being addicted to his phone and iPad. Countless hours spent daily searching the Internet, and watching videos. Mindless activity. Our relationship has suffered greatly.
I do want to make a point briefly of going back to my childhood, and I will share some theories on this later too. My parents and I did not have a real close relationship when I was growing up, which I am just realizing now as an adult. My dad tended to get angry at times, and my mom was more distant. I think I got along with them well until my teenage years, and then we just did not relate. I know that my mom struggled with mental health issues when I was growing up, but I don't know what those actually were. It was very hush-hush in my family, but I recall my dad sitting my sister and I aside often, becoming teary, and talking about it. I don't remember them asking me about schoolwork or friends in general. It's possible they did, but I don't remember that. I don't remember being talked to about drugs, alcohol, or relationships. I don't remember getting talks about life. We never talked about the things that should be talked about in a parent/child relationship, so I suppose it's possible that I developed some attachment disorder. My sister has recalled and pondered upon these same things too. It's not that I don't love my parents. Of course, I love them. Even when I see them now, they often feel or seem like strangers. Like I don't really know them in an emotional sense. When I started dating my husband, things seemed very different. I had dated a few guys off and on before him, but none of them I connected with emotionally. When I met him, things were different. He wanted to talk to me, he wanted to be with me. He cherished me. We talked about anything and everything, he did know me very well at that point. I held on to that feeling of connection, because I treasured it with someone. Fast forward 15+ years and I don't think he knows me at all. I don't even feel safe going to him with emotional things anymore, because I'm met with indifference. Maybe the feeling of being emotionally disconnected early in our marriage triggered something in me, that I related back to my childhood years. This is very possible, and something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. Once our daughter came along and I sensed the loss of emotional disconnect with my husband, I started leeching onto my daughter for connection. My emotional investment has gone into my daughter now and I protect the both of us. That is what my OCD is trying to do.
Theories on why I feel emotionally contaminated by him:
*I feel like because he didn't need me back then, that I don't need him
*I somehow want to punish him for all the hurt I have felt through the years
*I want to put as much distance between myself and him as possible
* I bared my heart to him in the past (and still do), and then he abandoned me emotionally
*Beer and his technological devices serve as a reminder everytime he is on them of how he has abandoned me and disconnected
*I have negative self-talk regarding him and have labeled him as "stupid" and an "idiot"
*I feel trapped in the marriage and the OCD also makes me feel trapped. It makes me more resentful because I feel like I have a loss of freedom in my home, and am not able to do the things I want to do, so I'm even more mad at him
*Maybe I feel like I've never been what he wants in a relationship. All of the years of him going through different activities and making me a last priority. I have also let myself go physically in the last year and a half or so. Not that I ever cared about makeup or hair or clothes. But I've found myself just not even taking care of myself. Not taking care of my teeth, I also severely clench my teeth at night, not taking care of myself nutritionally. Not exercising or even wanting to go out and do anything. Loss of motivation. I am now going on 8 months without a haircut, which I have never done before (although I do have an appointment to get my hair colored/cut in a couple of weeks. More on that later). I stopped wearing make up and wearing hairspray (a lot of this was for OCD reasons too).
*I have bared my heart to him and worn my emotions on my sleeve throughout our relationship. I am a very emotional, passionate, creative, relationship oriented person (as a lot of people with OCD are). So many times I've bared my heart to him, I've been met with indifference. So many times, I've cried about different things--gut wrenching cries and he sits unphased in front of me. I've asked him for physical contact (hugs) at the end of fights earlier in our marriage (when the OCD didn't see him as contaminated), and he flat out denied me. He blames me for a lot of things and becomes angry. I never knew my husband was such an angry person. I realize a lot of this is because of the OCD, but it doesn't help. He doesn't want to say "I'm sorry" when he hurts me, and that has put so many forks in the road. It feels like there is a bridge with those wooden planks going across it, and so many planks have been removed that I don't know how to get from one side to the other. I don't know if I can.
*Maybe, just maybe, really subconsciously deep down I have wanted out of the relationship. After all, I wrote a journal 10 years ago mincing no words about how badly I wanted out of the marriage. Is it possible that this is somehow aimed at hoping he will leave? I honestly don't think so. Because, ultimately I want my marriage to work. I always have. And why would I go about this crazy path of OCD taking pieces of everyones lives? The only answer would lie in that it was so subconscious. I honestly don't think this is the case though.
Other thoughts:
I don't think this part of my OCD ever will get better. I am not motivated to work on getting close to him, because I don't feel close to him. Why would I want to purposely come into contact with his clothes or contaminated items, so that I can feel the pain and anxiety associated with that. I want to avoid the pain of the feelings I have when around him. Unfortunately the OCD brings more problems into our relationship and his attitude toward my OCD brings me more pain. It is like a cycle that just doesn't quit. I don't feel "safe" with him, emotionally. Therefore I want to protect myself from any kind of harm he could possibly bring to me, even it if it's perceived harm. I think I am so mad at him, and then he feels even more contaminated to me because he seems "dirty" to me, which compounds the problem. I think the more unsanitary I see him, the harder I try to keep my distance from him. And the more distance I keep, the more he thinks it doesn't matter. He continues to live doing things unsanitarily. Im not sure if its to prove a point to me or not (this is getting into more of how I feel he is actually more "classically contaminated" though which I will get into in a future post soon.
I never knew how capable I was of being an angry person, as well. The OCD has made me such an angry person. I am also angry because of my husband and the problems that we have. I sometimes feel like my blood is boiling when around him, and I watch him in front of me and get upset about everything about him. Almost every time we discuss our relationship, he draws everything back to my OCD> This is not a healthy way for anyone to live--my husband or I, or my daughter. Sometimes I don't know if, or how long, I can keep doing this. But divorce is not an option for me.
On a final note today, the OCD has drawn me closer in relationship to God. After all, it is God who gets me through this. My husband doesn't understand what I'm going through. My daughter has a very good understanding and is very empathetic. Sometimes I think I tell her too many details because she is so understanding. I have put this burden on her too. But she still can't completely understand either, as she does not have the OCD mind that I do. God DOES understand what I am going through, and He has been with me every step of the way. And HE is with you too, no matter where you are at with your OCD.
Lots more to write on this again soon. This has become much longer than I planned for tonight!
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Emotional Contamination in Marriage: When your spouse is your biggest trigger Part 1
Can a marriage survive where there is a severe case of emotional contamination? I never really thought too much about emotional contamination before. I always thought that I had "classic contamination" issues, and I do. But, I believe that where my husband is concerned, there is the added component of emotional contamination. Emotional contamination can encompass a lot of things, but I feel that the strong negative feelings I have against my husband make me feel like he is "dirty", even dirtier beyond classic contamination. I don't like the way he makes me feel. There are two sides to every story, and keep in mind that this is only one side. This is my story. But they are my feelings, and I feel they are important for me to explore. I feel lonely, disconnected, sad, upset, frustrated and angry when I am around him. Just for some background information, we had a really good dating relationship and talked very openly. Once we actually got married, the shift got taken off our marriage and put onto other things. My husband has always been an on-the-go type, although I didn't realize that until after we got married. We had spent almost every moment with each other during our dating relationship--talking openly about anything and everything hours and hours into the night. So it seemingly came out of the blue when he started focusing on other things. He went back to school (which was for the benefit of our family, and I'm not complaining about that), and started prioritizing hanging out with friends, doing odd jobs with his dad around the house, and other things to take up his time. To be fair, maybe he wasn't intentionally prioritizing these things. Maybe he didn't realize at the time how little attention our marriage was getting. But the lack of time affected me deeply. He went through phases--online poker, drinking, and staying out with friends. I felt like I lost my husband during this time, and our relationship has never been the same since. I feel like I have, in a sense, been grieving the loss of our marriage for 12 years. Even though he is standing in front of me everyday at home. When our daughter was born, we were struggling furthermore. I was mostly taking care of her, and he was busy doing other things. I remember keeping a journal during this time about my feelings and I minced no words in those pages about how badly I wanted out of that relationship. Divorce. Hate. All sorts of nasty things were in that journal. I got a call one day at work, and it was my husband. He had found the journal. I think there are lots of "defining moments" in life and in relationships, that can change the course of things. I have a future post coming up soon about this too. Our marriage certainly has had it's share of defining moments, where things would just never be the same again. It was during this summer of 2005 that I started developing OCD symptoms, although at this time it didn't involve him directly. It was more classic contamination with germs/illness, some checking behaviors and magical thinking that usually centered around my daughter. I became desperately afraid of something happening to either my daughter or I, as we were feeling more like our own family of two with my husband gone much of the time. Through the years, my OCD would change and grow. I would say I went from mild to moderate OCD in about 2009. There were some more changes that summer that even further drove my husband and I apart. My father in law purchased some farmland, and my husband and him spent a lot of time out there. We were really struggling even more at this time, as we were undergoing fertility problems and trying to conceive a second child at this time. I think his absence from our family and being out at the farm must have triggered something deep inside of me--something so subconscious that I didn't even realize what was beginning. I think it goes back to that feeling of being emotionally neglected by him again. The state of our relationship paired with how my OCD was worsening in regard to him. Every time he was out at the farm, I thought of him as extremely dirty when he came home. All I could think about was the fertilizers he had been around, and the chemicals from spraying weeds or crops. They also started to do some car/tractor restoration around this time. He was spray painting cars and doing mechanical types of things, including painting vehicle parts. A lot of this went on in our own garage or backyard. One afternoon he came inside with green paint covering his hands, and went directly back to the shower, without even washing his hands at the sink. That is one of my defining OCD moments that I will discuss in the future post I referred to above. This is probably the biggest act I can trace back to, where he became forever contaminated to me. All of these "dirty jobs" were causing his clothing to appear filthy with stains, grease, oil, and paint all over them. Sometimes I wonder if it was the combination of his absence, of his seeming to prioritize these hobbies over our family that triggered something deep in my brain. That perhaps subconsciously I was developing some type of "protection" against him. Don't get me wrong--I definitely felt he was contaminated in the classic way. I started fearing chemicals around this time, and his hands in particular bothered me. But I believe that I was subconsciously developing a case of emotional contamination involving him too. Maybe it was a means of self-protection, somehow distancing myself from him. A lot of times I was angry at him for working with these chemicals, feeling like he was putting my daughter and I at risk. My husband asked me recently if I ever thought this piece of the puzzle--meaning my feeling like he is contaminated--would ever go away. I really didn't give him an answer. In a nutshell though, if I am being honest, I really don't see that part going away. I don't really foresee a time in the near future where he does not feel contaminated to me. There is a lot of hurt between us. There is a lot of unresolved conflict. There has been a lot of bad words and arguments through the years. There is the added component of him not trying to understand my OCD, and really having little to no concern about my well-being. The lack of encouragement that he has been to me. Not wanting to communicate with me. His attitude towards my OCD is very overwhelming. He is my biggest trigger, and that makes me sad. Most of my "defining OCD" moments that I will post about shortly involve him. Things I've seen him do that have changed my OCD path for the worse every time (and this next post will help explain a lot of them in further detail). He does not want to be directly involved in my treatment, but prefers to "mentally bury my OCD" in his words. Unfortunately I don't see any of this changing any time soon. It's a bad cycle where we are in. The disconnect feeds the OCD, and the OCD feeds the disconnect. Even just being around his personal items in general, sets me off. Most of his stuff feels dirty to me. For example, if I see a dirty hat on the counter it will set me off. If we are getting along better than usual though, it may not bother me as much. If we are struggling at the time (which is usually the case) then I will find it even more contaminated. I will be very mindful of the hat and make sure that I am not anywhere near it when walking by it. Sometimes even retracing my steps in order to convince my brain that I didn't brush up against it. It seems like I am repulsed by his stuff, even moreso when things are not well between us. That is why I feel there is emotional contamination involved in this. This makes things tricky. Because I feel that the only way for me to get over this type of contamination is to repair our marriage, and I just don't know how that will happen at this time. It just feels like a trap. There is so much to write on this subject, that I am going to delve into this over my next several posts. I think this is very important for me to explore right now. This is just the beginning, so stay tuned for the next parts. If you have any experience with emotional contamination in relationships, I would love to hear your story and how you have dealt with it.
Monday, January 26, 2015
The OCD Bully in my brain/Ramblings of an OCD mind
OCD is truly a bully. It wants nothing good for us. It wants nothing more than to destroy us--our lives and our relationships. I think it is difficult for non OCD sufferers to understand the thought processes that go through our heads. I've heard this explained so many different ways, but basically everyone has thoughts, even the types of thoughts that OCD sufferers have. It's just that those of with OCD are unable to move past them. The chemistry of the brain, the abnormalities in the brain--those things that make up the disorder--they do not allow us to just move past these thoughts. We place more importance on the thoughts than need be. We hypermagnify the situation and turn a 1 in a million chance of something happening into a high probability....IF we don't do the ritual. IF we don't do the compulsion. Hence, we give into OCD for a moment's worth of peace. And each time we give in we end up making the OCD worse. But yet at the same time, we are unable to stop. It is a vicious and horrible cycle.
My parents came over to my house 2 days ago, the first time they have been here since September. I really don't like people coming in and entering my "safe zone". Remember, I have never told my parents I have OCD. I want to do a little something this different this post. I want to purposely ramble on.....a chance to show the character of OCD. How once OCD thoughts get started, it just feelings like rambling and complete chaos. So many thoughts screaming out, so many things to remember. It's important to remember that the OCD thoughts are not how we want to feel. The OCD is a bully, but to find that peace, that comfort....we end up giving into that bully. Time and time again.
I knew that it was going to be hard to have my parents over. I avoid having anyone coming over, at all costs. I knew it would be harder if my husband was here, because then if something became contaminated, I would have to try to fix that while my husband was here, which would really throw me off. So, I asked them to come when I knew he would be gone. This was actually our family get together for Christmas, and we exchanged gifts during this time. I also debated whether or not to have my dog out when they got here, finally deciding it was best to have her out already because then they would be more distracted by the dog and less likely to come hug me. I wore old clothes for this visit, so that in case they hugged me...nothing was ruined. But wearing old clothes also means they weren't the cleanest....they were contaminated already from another time, although they had been washed. This would mean I would have to change clothes, wash the couch and shower regarless. I put my new laptop away because I didn't want them to ask to see it. I didn't want anyone contaminating my laptop. I hid the dogs ball, so no one would be tempted to play ball with her. One wrong move with the ball and it could end up thrown on the couch or touch me somehow, which would further complicate the problem. A lot went on before the visit, preparing and trying to minimize any problems. This depicts how OCD is always thinking ahead.
My parents gifts to my daughter included a sweatshirt. My mom asked her to try it on to see if it fit.
OCD thoughts: No way! That thing is so dirty. It has never been washed. It has probably been tried on by a child. There are probably chemicals in it from the manufacturing process. It could have been thrown on the floor in a dressing room. Multiple people have handled it. Dirty hands on it. Dirty. No way is she trying this on. Make an excuse up fast!
What I actually say: No that's okay. She will try it on later. She is hot right now, that's why she is in shorts. She doesn't like to wear stuff that makes her hot right now.
Really?! Even I realize how totally lame that sounds. But I will say what I need to, to get out of the situation. I'm sure my mom thought it odd, but I didn't watch for a reaction. I just said it matter-of-factly and moved on.
Its amazing how our brains are always soaking up things, anticipating the next thing to happen. Hyperawareness of the situation. My dog was playing rough with my dad and actually scratched his arm real good. He was bleeding from his arm, and my mind was already reeling with the "what if's" surrounding that. What if he tries to hug one of us when he leaves? What if he touches our clothes? He is going to get blood on us. Thankfully he did not touch us or hug us.
The OCD mind takes us out of the moment. It is not enjoyable to have people over, when your mind is constantly wandering and obsessed on these things. My mom often comments to me that I don't seem the same anymore and it doesn't even seem like I want to be with them. I get all of this. I am sorry I seem this way. The OCD is more than anyone could ever understand.
At one point my mom came over to the couch we were sitting on, to show us some pictures on her phone. She knelt down next to us and as she was standing up, she pushed herself off the couch to stand up, and her hand was on the couch. Then my mind starting going toward how I was going to clean that when they left. OCD thoughts going off in my head....where did she touch? What if she touched an area I didn't see? I have to wash it off three times now, because that is the number it takes to restore it back to cleanliness.
Then when they left I thought everything was going to be okay. There was going to be no body contact involved during the visit. I was wrong. My mom came over and touched my daughter square on the top of the head, to tell her goodbye, kind of ran her hand down here hair. Then my mom put her hand square on my shoulder. This was of course after she had played with our dog and touched her slobbery toys. And been on her phone. Dirty hands. Remember to tell my daughter to triple wash her hair in the shower. Shirt possibly ruined.
After they left, I knew I needed to decontaminate. Which meant wiping the couch, changing clothes and showering. I ran an errand first. I can stay contaminated like that for awhile. I don't have some sense of urgency to decontaminate quickly....I just need to decontaminate before I enter my safe zone. So off to run my errand I went. My daughter stood next to the couch until I got back. Then I wiped the couch down so it would be "clean" again. Then we both showered, put clean clothes, and resumed our spot on the clean couch again. Thankfully, my husband did not come home during any of this. He has no idea how bad this can be. And it sucks the life out of me. This is how a 35 minute visit from someone can cause OCD distress. Why I, like so many others with OCD, avoid. For a moments worth of peace.
The OCD mind will just not quit. Once I'm decontaminated, everything seems okay. For a positive end to this note, I did not throw away the clothing. I do intend to wash it and wear it again as an exposure. Because clothing contamination and safety zones....again are my two biggest problems right now. This post shows exactly why I need to work on these things to the best of my ability this year. I need and want this bully out of my life.
My parents came over to my house 2 days ago, the first time they have been here since September. I really don't like people coming in and entering my "safe zone". Remember, I have never told my parents I have OCD. I want to do a little something this different this post. I want to purposely ramble on.....a chance to show the character of OCD. How once OCD thoughts get started, it just feelings like rambling and complete chaos. So many thoughts screaming out, so many things to remember. It's important to remember that the OCD thoughts are not how we want to feel. The OCD is a bully, but to find that peace, that comfort....we end up giving into that bully. Time and time again.
I knew that it was going to be hard to have my parents over. I avoid having anyone coming over, at all costs. I knew it would be harder if my husband was here, because then if something became contaminated, I would have to try to fix that while my husband was here, which would really throw me off. So, I asked them to come when I knew he would be gone. This was actually our family get together for Christmas, and we exchanged gifts during this time. I also debated whether or not to have my dog out when they got here, finally deciding it was best to have her out already because then they would be more distracted by the dog and less likely to come hug me. I wore old clothes for this visit, so that in case they hugged me...nothing was ruined. But wearing old clothes also means they weren't the cleanest....they were contaminated already from another time, although they had been washed. This would mean I would have to change clothes, wash the couch and shower regarless. I put my new laptop away because I didn't want them to ask to see it. I didn't want anyone contaminating my laptop. I hid the dogs ball, so no one would be tempted to play ball with her. One wrong move with the ball and it could end up thrown on the couch or touch me somehow, which would further complicate the problem. A lot went on before the visit, preparing and trying to minimize any problems. This depicts how OCD is always thinking ahead.
My parents gifts to my daughter included a sweatshirt. My mom asked her to try it on to see if it fit.
OCD thoughts: No way! That thing is so dirty. It has never been washed. It has probably been tried on by a child. There are probably chemicals in it from the manufacturing process. It could have been thrown on the floor in a dressing room. Multiple people have handled it. Dirty hands on it. Dirty. No way is she trying this on. Make an excuse up fast!
What I actually say: No that's okay. She will try it on later. She is hot right now, that's why she is in shorts. She doesn't like to wear stuff that makes her hot right now.
Really?! Even I realize how totally lame that sounds. But I will say what I need to, to get out of the situation. I'm sure my mom thought it odd, but I didn't watch for a reaction. I just said it matter-of-factly and moved on.
Its amazing how our brains are always soaking up things, anticipating the next thing to happen. Hyperawareness of the situation. My dog was playing rough with my dad and actually scratched his arm real good. He was bleeding from his arm, and my mind was already reeling with the "what if's" surrounding that. What if he tries to hug one of us when he leaves? What if he touches our clothes? He is going to get blood on us. Thankfully he did not touch us or hug us.
The OCD mind takes us out of the moment. It is not enjoyable to have people over, when your mind is constantly wandering and obsessed on these things. My mom often comments to me that I don't seem the same anymore and it doesn't even seem like I want to be with them. I get all of this. I am sorry I seem this way. The OCD is more than anyone could ever understand.
At one point my mom came over to the couch we were sitting on, to show us some pictures on her phone. She knelt down next to us and as she was standing up, she pushed herself off the couch to stand up, and her hand was on the couch. Then my mind starting going toward how I was going to clean that when they left. OCD thoughts going off in my head....where did she touch? What if she touched an area I didn't see? I have to wash it off three times now, because that is the number it takes to restore it back to cleanliness.
Then when they left I thought everything was going to be okay. There was going to be no body contact involved during the visit. I was wrong. My mom came over and touched my daughter square on the top of the head, to tell her goodbye, kind of ran her hand down here hair. Then my mom put her hand square on my shoulder. This was of course after she had played with our dog and touched her slobbery toys. And been on her phone. Dirty hands. Remember to tell my daughter to triple wash her hair in the shower. Shirt possibly ruined.
After they left, I knew I needed to decontaminate. Which meant wiping the couch, changing clothes and showering. I ran an errand first. I can stay contaminated like that for awhile. I don't have some sense of urgency to decontaminate quickly....I just need to decontaminate before I enter my safe zone. So off to run my errand I went. My daughter stood next to the couch until I got back. Then I wiped the couch down so it would be "clean" again. Then we both showered, put clean clothes, and resumed our spot on the clean couch again. Thankfully, my husband did not come home during any of this. He has no idea how bad this can be. And it sucks the life out of me. This is how a 35 minute visit from someone can cause OCD distress. Why I, like so many others with OCD, avoid. For a moments worth of peace.
The OCD mind will just not quit. Once I'm decontaminated, everything seems okay. For a positive end to this note, I did not throw away the clothing. I do intend to wash it and wear it again as an exposure. Because clothing contamination and safety zones....again are my two biggest problems right now. This post shows exactly why I need to work on these things to the best of my ability this year. I need and want this bully out of my life.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
When you start designing your life around OCD
Real short post and topic today. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Many of you who read the title of this post will get this right away....."Designing your life around OCD". Basically we are enabling ourselves to continue to live this way. It's finding little detours around the OCD, rather than facing the fears head on. I am very guilty of this. Although I've made a lot of progress with many of my OCD issues, I have really started designing my life around OCD. What does this mean, you ask? I will give one good example. I have the ability to work from home, so I do. I don't think my job necessarily wants me to work from home, but I am allowed to because they are typically short staffed and my work status is "casual"--meaning less than part-time. If they don't schedule me, then they don't have enough staff for the day, so they allow me to do my work from home. I decided to do this last summer, with the intention of it only being for a few months...until my OCD got better in control. But here we are in January, and I don't have any plan to stop this anytime soon. The work place is a horrible contamination trigger for me. Working in a pediatric office...sitting on office chairs, walking through hallways where people are coughing, wearing headset phones that other people wear, just being around a lot of people everyday. So many things, that I find it easier to avoid. I had to work in the office this weekend (because then they require me too) and I felt so dirty when I left each day. Just wanted to get home, hop in the shower and relax. I don't want to start feeling like that everyday again, going in to work. It's easier to work from home, and I'm able to do it..so I do. But then I am enabling myself, to allow myself to feel more comfortable. And that is not really helping me in the whole scheme of things, to get rid of this OCD. I also design my work schedule, the hours that I work, around my OCD. A little later start time, so that I have time to stop at the grocery store during non-peak time, after I drop my daughter off at school. Lots of examples that I could give. I suppose a good word for all this is still avoidance....one of the biggest OCD compulsions. What do you all think? Do you have any ways that you feel you design your life/routines around OCD?
Friday, January 16, 2015
OCD and Winter
Somehow OCD seems more difficult in the winter. I think it must be a combination of things, at least for me. It's the cold weather, the cold/flu season, the sometimes lack of sunshine, and feeling more "holed up" among other things. I sat down this morning and did an inventory of my OCD symptoms. If I look at my rock bottom OCD, where I was last year at this time, I have had a reduction of symptoms by about 35% from then, is my best guess. It honestly feels like the clothing contamination is my #1 issue right now. I have managed to completely rid myself of many OCD things, but for some reason this one is difficult....and it never used to be a problem, until just over a year ago. I consider myself severe OCD still. But it is leaps and bounds better than extreme, debilitating OCD...which is where I was for about 9 months. I feel like if I could get a grip on this clothing contamination and "safe zone" maintenance, that I would honestly probably be considered mild on the spectrum. It is what I am working toward in 2015. I had a great day yesterday, which is really something incredible when you have severe OCD. I felt motivated, I felt more at peace with things. The sun was shining outside and it was beautiful....which really helped! I got 4 loads of laundry done, got to the grocery store, made dinner, and picked up most of the top story of my house. My daughter has been sick the last few days with either cold or a respiratory flu bug. She has missed 4 days of school this week. Weirdly enough, my contamination is not horribly triggered when around her when she is sick. She has good cough hygiene and I really have no problem being around her. In fact she is home from school today still and sitting inches away from me on the couch when I type this--coughing and I don't really flinch. I have a lot of issues around others when they are sick though...maybe it's somehow not knowing what they could have and imaging all sorts of possibilities, catastoprizing the worst case scenario. The winter time is difficult for the whole flu season. Influenza is something that really sets me off. Being about in the winter when more people are out and about sick really triggers me. I find myself more hyperaware of others around me. I find myself not wanting to go out to the store (unless its non-peak times of the day). I have to work this weekend in my pediatric office, which will be like entering a germ zone. Thankfully I have no patient contact, but I will still feel disgusting when I leave work. My hands seem more dry in the winter too. The lack of sunshine does something to me....maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder? I feel so much better when the sun is shining. We have had a lot of influenza and whooping cough in my city right now. Being a phone triage nurse, I hear all kinds of stories from parents every day. Many of their kids are at school sick, and the parents will admit it! This further declines my trust in the common sense of people. Working as a pediatric nurse definitely does not help the OCD thoughts. My husband and I have been having more difficult times too lately. I plan on writing him a letter in a future post, even though I'll probably never give it to him. Lots of thoughts going through my head on that right now. His job situation is kind of up in the air at this point and he is feeling a lot of stress surrounding that. I feel like he is taking a lot of this out on me, and its not really helping with the OCD either. I am hoping for the good OCD days to outweight the bad OCD days this year, and I hope that for all of you too. I have a lot of ideas swarming around in my head for future posts. If anyone reading this has any ideas, bring 'em on!!! I also look forward to connecting with more of you this year. The Internet community is really a fantastic thing, and I am so thankful for it. I have met some really incredible people through this blog, and I am thankful for each and every one of you!
Friday, January 2, 2015
Family Gathering, Round 2
So, I did it. I was able to go to my in-laws house last night for my husband's family Christmas celebration. I knew that this was going to be much more difficult than last week, when my family got together. All of the same reasons, plus the feeling that his family is more "contaminated" to me, specifically his dad. This was pretty up there on my hierarchy. As I mentioned in my last post, it's not "feeling contaminated", that is a problem to me really....it's just finding a way to decontaminate myself and get back in my "clean safe zone" without spreading contamination. That, and finding a way to deal with the clothes that I now feel are ruined. It didn't go too bad last night, if I am being honest. My daughter and I went separately, because I knew my husband would want to stay over there longer, and he did--to watch football. I think my contaminated shoes and double socks are going to work well for me for awhile. I know its a compulsion, but again....at least it helps get me to gatherings and get me back socializing with family...so at this point, I think it works. I had a feeling that my clothes would be "ruined" after this gathering, and unfortunately I think some items are. This is just way, way up on my hierarchy. I haven't actually discarded anything yet, but my thoughts are heading that way. I don't really have any plans of keeping them at this point. I knew I would have an issue sitting on their furniture too, because my father-in-law does farming and painting. All of his clothes can get ruined and filthy, as do my husbands for the same reason (which is why I only sit on one couch at our own house). Of course I have no idea if his dad wears these dirty clothes on their furniture, but my mind ventures there. Where else can it go with severe contamination concerns? So all of their furniture seems dirty to me. They have a small, almost decorative, sitting bench in their family room, and I would imagine that is the least used of all the furniture (especially not for adult male), but they do use it when company comes over....so I quickly took the bench and pulled my daughter over there. At least I would feel that our jeans might be salvageable. If either of my in-laws hugged me though, that would be the end for our shirts. Which did happen right before left--my mother-in-law gave a hug, and then I immediately felt I could never get my shirt clean enough again. The washer would never be able to remove the dirty feeling I had associated with it. I feel awful saying that, really I do. But that is how OCD is.
I was surprised that after our family gathering last week and after the hugs, I was able to wash the clothes and not really feel like they were dirty. Again, this is higher up for me though with his parents. I feel like I took a step forward going to the gathering, but a step backward with the clothing contamination. But when I assess the situation better, I know I didn't really take a step back with the clothing contamination. It's just too high up on my list right now.
Going to the gathering wasn't horrible. It was really just the feeling of grossness that I had when I left, and figuring out how to deal with that when I got home. Cleaning the carseat off with soap and water. Not wearing my seatbelt home (so I didn't contaminate it). Washing off in the shower and the addition of antibacterial soap on my body (which normally I don't ever use on my body anymore, except after I am feeling heavily contaminated). Once I scrubbed the contamination and knew it hadn't "spread" anywhere, then I could put on clean house clothes and relax on the couch.
I'm glad that is over though. One of the things that honestly bothers me the most is that my husband showed no appreciation for me pushing myself to do this. You'd have thought it was just normal run-of-the-mill family gathering. Maybe I expect too much? As long as I have avoided his family gatherings, I would think that on same level he would appreciate me pushing myself and going. And staying there for almost 5 hours. I don't think he understands how hard that was for me. All of the decontamination stuff I have to do afterward is wearing too, and of course he didn't see any of that thankfully since he stayed there longer. It would just be nice to have him say thank you. Thanks for doing that. I know it was hard for you, and I appreciate you doing that. It helps move us forward to functioning better as a family.
I'm not sure I'll ever hear that from him though, and that makes me sad. It doesn't motivate me much to want to keep pushing myself in certain areas.
I was able to make quite a bit of good progress with my OCD in 2014 though. I want to keep pushing forward in 2015 and am in the process of coming up with a plan to help improve my health in many areas this year. I will probably share that soon. This will involve physical, mental, emotional and spiritual improvement. I want to feel better and not just "get through each day with OCD", but really live a full life. One that is not riddled with anxiety and fear all the time.
I hope that those of you with OCD were able to have enjoyable holidays. Because I know how hard it is. And to those with family members with OCD, remember that holidays can be extra tough on those with mental illnesses.
I hope that this year will find you on your way to improvement with OCD. No matter how bad it is right now, there is hope that you can get better. I was able to put some severe compulsions to rest in 2014, and have every intention of continuing to put more to rest this year.
I was surprised that after our family gathering last week and after the hugs, I was able to wash the clothes and not really feel like they were dirty. Again, this is higher up for me though with his parents. I feel like I took a step forward going to the gathering, but a step backward with the clothing contamination. But when I assess the situation better, I know I didn't really take a step back with the clothing contamination. It's just too high up on my list right now.
Going to the gathering wasn't horrible. It was really just the feeling of grossness that I had when I left, and figuring out how to deal with that when I got home. Cleaning the carseat off with soap and water. Not wearing my seatbelt home (so I didn't contaminate it). Washing off in the shower and the addition of antibacterial soap on my body (which normally I don't ever use on my body anymore, except after I am feeling heavily contaminated). Once I scrubbed the contamination and knew it hadn't "spread" anywhere, then I could put on clean house clothes and relax on the couch.
I'm glad that is over though. One of the things that honestly bothers me the most is that my husband showed no appreciation for me pushing myself to do this. You'd have thought it was just normal run-of-the-mill family gathering. Maybe I expect too much? As long as I have avoided his family gatherings, I would think that on same level he would appreciate me pushing myself and going. And staying there for almost 5 hours. I don't think he understands how hard that was for me. All of the decontamination stuff I have to do afterward is wearing too, and of course he didn't see any of that thankfully since he stayed there longer. It would just be nice to have him say thank you. Thanks for doing that. I know it was hard for you, and I appreciate you doing that. It helps move us forward to functioning better as a family.
I'm not sure I'll ever hear that from him though, and that makes me sad. It doesn't motivate me much to want to keep pushing myself in certain areas.
I was able to make quite a bit of good progress with my OCD in 2014 though. I want to keep pushing forward in 2015 and am in the process of coming up with a plan to help improve my health in many areas this year. I will probably share that soon. This will involve physical, mental, emotional and spiritual improvement. I want to feel better and not just "get through each day with OCD", but really live a full life. One that is not riddled with anxiety and fear all the time.
I hope that those of you with OCD were able to have enjoyable holidays. Because I know how hard it is. And to those with family members with OCD, remember that holidays can be extra tough on those with mental illnesses.
I hope that this year will find you on your way to improvement with OCD. No matter how bad it is right now, there is hope that you can get better. I was able to put some severe compulsions to rest in 2014, and have every intention of continuing to put more to rest this year.
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