Lacking support of spouse in OCD

Sorry in advance, this going to be a heavy post....
I think the current state of my relationship with my husband is creating a very toxic environment for me.  I honestly feel myself slipping into a depression again.  Through the years, I have struggled with a difficult marriage and the OCD.  The two paired together create a separate issue.  My husband and I have had issues for years, since very early on in our relationship.  Since long before my OCD ever entered the picture.  I wrote a very long post last fall about how I feel marriage stress and disconnection spurred the onset of my OCD.  If I had to simplify that down to one sentence.....I would say that I stopped feeling loved by my husband.

     That was a very emotionally traumatic time for me.  Our daughter was very young at that time (2 years old), and I dont think he meant to "check out".  He just became busy with other things and went back to school for his MBA.    Due to his emotional and physical absence I started to feel like my daughter and I were our own little family and I became desperately afraid that something would happen to one of us.  That is when the OCD started, and that is what still spurs my OCD to this day.  I know my husband is very angry at me for my OCD.  He says a lot of things that make feel like he doesn't get it...one of the bigger things is he continues to say that I "want" to do these things.  He already has quite a temper at times, and the OCD can really set him off...slamming doors, throwing his phone, yelling at me, getting angry, telling me "this is ridiculous and he can't do this anymore".  Threats that he wont financially support the OCD anymore, and statements that would imply I better work more hours or find a different job.  One time he told me he was going to put our house for sale, and implies getting divorced. Our arguments become very heated, and I am very guilty in these times as well.  I have outright rage when dealing with him...will flat out say, "I hate you".  We will usually fall into a deep argument like this at least every month.  But the aftermath sticks with me, and all I can think about is how poor our relationship is.  He also rolls his eyes when I try to explain things to him sometimes about my OCD.  For instance the other day there was a dead fly in our pre-packaged lettuce salad and I noticed it on my plate.  I had some pizza underneath the salad too.  My OCD wanted me to throw away everything on my plate, but I removed the dead fly, pushed my lettuce aside and still ate the pizza.  It didn't even make me that anxious, but shows how I didn't give in to the OCD and just ate the other food on my plate.  At that moment I chose to explain my husband what my OCD was telling me and how I resisted, simply to give him an example of the kinds of little things I push myself in each day.  Then our daughter says, "dad, I saw you roll your eyes at that", to which he responded that he was just looking at the ceiling trying to figure out what to say.  I have him seen him roll his eyes at me, so I have to think that is what he was doing.  He accuses me of hiding behaviors from him (and there are maybe a few behaviors he doesn't know about), but yet his reaction is anger, impatience or annoyance when I talk about it.  Every time I do open up, I make myself vulnerable and he doesn't react well and I feel even more unloved, which perpetuates the whole cycle.  I really don't know what to do anymore.  I don't really "involve" him in my rituals.  But my avoidance of him makes him angry.  Our social and family life is very much affected.  His tactics in dealing with the OCD are not helping.  His anger is making things worse and I feel it is actually hindering my progress.  I don't feel motivated to work on things involving him, because I don't feel close to him at all anymore.  I have offered to share all kinds of details about my OCD with him, but he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it.  I have shared so much information about my struggles and he rarely shows any emotion or concern about my well being.  After our last heated argument, which was about not going to his family's Thanksgiving, I wrote him a really nice letter describing how tough it must be to deal with my OCD.  I also apologized to him and discussed our argument cycles and anger breeding more anger.  How Im very disrespectful to him, but reminded him he is also being that way to me.  He did write me back and commended me for working on the OCD and wanting me to get help, but he never apologized to me or owned his part and that really bothers m.  He admitted to being angry and that he mentally buries my OCD and that he doesn't feel we will get anywhere until I work on my OCD.  This tells me a lot.  I have been working hard on my OCD for 7-8 months now and I have actually come a long way.  But why is he not able to see his part in this?  What do you do when you have no support from your spouse?  When he seems to use my OCD as an excuse for his anger.  He almost always seems to be angry anymore...at all kinds of situations.  It feels like can trace any situation back to me having OCD.  Now he says the reason he checks out is because of the OCD.  So everything ultimately falls back on me.  I am supposed to beat OCD, without his emotional support, and the reason the relationship is so negative seems to be my fault.    I understand the OCD has got to be wearing on him.  But why can't he see how his reaction is making everything worse?  How some of his behaviors and  absence early on in the marriage triggered my OCD and continue to act as the catalyst.  I feel so "flat" anymore, and this not healthy.  I physically feel horrible too.  Clenching my jaw at night, fatigued, lots of physical symptoms.  Panic attacks, headaches.  There are some pretty devestating cycles going on in our marriage.  I don't believe in divorce.  I don't know how to keep going in this relationship though.  I am more than my OCD.  I feel like that is all my husband sees in me anymore.  And now all I can see in him is a jerk.  Just being real and honest.  Sometimes it feels so hopeless.  I would to hear from you all.  How does your spouse or significant other react to your OCD?  What is helping?  What is hindering?  Is it possible to get through the dark waters of OCD when you are in a toxic environment and it doesn't appear to changing.  I think communication is essential in a marriage, especially in regard to the OCD.  But when your spouse doesn't communicate, what do you do?

Getting back to the "ordinary" world

      I like to watch the music talent show "The Voice".  A couple of weeks ago, one of the contestants sang "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran.  I don't know what the meaning of the actual song is, but when he got to the chorus the words really stuck with me.  If you take these words out of context and put them on their own, it very much describes what fighting against OCD is like.....
  "What has happened to it all, crazy some say, where is the life that I recognize?
I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find, and as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive"
     I have some weird OCD thoughts about even putting these lyrics out of context.  It's true.  I am not trying to make the song appear to be about OCD, because I am pretty darn sure that it's not.  But again, these words seem very fitting for OCD sufferers as they work their way through treatment.  How many years have we lost to OCD?  How much time have we wasted?  How many experiences have we and our loved ones missed out on because of this?  How many pieces of our lives has it stolen along the way?  The longer the OCD is winning, the deeper we get in it's trenches.  Until it's all-consuming, and we don't even recognize our lives anymore.  But that is just the thing....we can't cry for yesterday.  We can't get it back.  All we can do is keep plowing forward in the fight, in the hope for better tomorrows and eventually freedom from these OCD walls.  There is an ordinary world that we do have to find again.....somehow...best done through the very hard work of exposure and response prevention therapy.  And with each exposure, we get a little closer back to the ordinary world.  As OCD sufferers we have to be brave.  It's the only way to find our way back. And as we go down that hard road of treatment, we must remember that it IS worth it.  Some moments are so painful, it seems that we just won't survive that next exposure on our hierarchy....and then we do it and come out as the victor in that battle!!  Oddly enough, for many of us, it feels like we can't survive with the OCD any longer, but also feels like we can't survive without it either.  The truth is, as long as the OCD is winning, then we are not really living fully.  We are functioning and getting through each day.  In order to break free of the confines of these OCD prison walls, we must do the hard work.  And it is hard.  And it is painful.  But we must walk through the dark forest to get out of it.  To find our way back to the ordinary world.  And in the process, we will learn to survive.

OCD and Lying or Making Excuses/A very stressful week

It has been a very stressful week.  Deer hunting week.  My husband is a hunter.  Lots of contamination issues for me with that.  But here we are on Friday, and I've gotten through, with lots of OCD issues along the way.  Which brings me to this paradox--My OCD doesn't want me to lie, yet I lie in order to hide my OCD from others. I don't like to lie in general.  In fact, my OCD wants me to be very honest.  I am the type that feels like I need to be extra truthful.  I have been known to take things back to the store that I was undercharged for, and make sure that I pay the correct price.  I feel like I need to tell people things, that they don't necessarily need to know.  However....here is where it gets tricky.  I have been known to make tons of excuses and flat out lies when it comes to protecting my OCD, or when in an OCD situation.  I've told lies to get out of going to family gatherings.  I've called in sick to work (when I wasn't sick) because of OCD.  Yep, just did that today.   Times where I needed to concentrate on a ritual and couldn't get to work that day, or one time I had to run some "OCD errands"--oh yes, there is such a thing.  Going out to buy something that needs to replace a contaminated object.  I prioritize the OCD, so I call in sick to work.  I don't do this routinely, today is probably the third time in the last year.  My husband took the whole week off work to deer hunt, so he would be in and out of the house all week.  I am supposed to be working downstairs at our computer.  I already have a huge obsession with needing to know what he is doing in the house, and this week being hunting week, escalated things about 1000 times.   Earlier this week, I called my daughter in sick to school, because I didn't feel comfortable and wanted to make sure he wasn't "contaminating" anything around the house--touching anything I didn't want him to.  She hung around upstairs so she could tell me if he was touching anything.  It makes me feel like a horrible parent to write and read that sentence right now.  I realize I'm involving my daughter in my compulsions.  I'm relying on her for reassurance, to "make sure that nothing happens".  I also realize that I am making her think somehow her dad is dirty.  I know this, so please please don't comment on that to bring it to my attention.  Trust me when I say that I am fully aware of this.  It's just an example of how bad my OCD is and the lengths in which I will go to, to feel comfortable.  I called in sick to work today in order to clean some things around the house.  He used our computer which is a "clean and safe" item normally.  I also had to go downstairs for a few minutes, and then I was fixated on the thought that he might have sat on "my safe couch".  I knew I would then have to wash the couch down (even though he probably didnt even sit there), and wash the blanket draped over the couch, and clean the computer.  There was no way I could focus on my job and get all this cleaning done.....so I totally let the OCD win, and gave in and made up a lie to my work that I was sick.    He got a deer yesterday, just in case you're wondering.  I will give him credit that he washed all of his hunting clothes out at the farmhouse washer (so it wasn't at our house), and wore clean clothes home.  But there are tons of thoughts going through my head.  At some point, I would think he had to be wearing the clothes in his truck, after dealing with blood and organs.  So now his truck is contaminated heavily.  Also I would imagine he took pictures of the deer with his phone, and so going back and forth from a deer his phone, contaminates his phone even further. Then of course now his hands are always contaminated, because he is always on his phone.  So doorknobs, fridge handles,  everything he touches is going to be contaminated.  I am going to need even more space between us, and will either avoid touching certain things or washing my hands more frequently again. I'm really frustrated, because I had been doing so much better.  And now this has thrown everything off again.  Because his carseat is now contaminated with deer blood/guts, I think that all of his clothes will be contaminated. Because even his normal day to day clothes will be contaminated whey touch that carseat.  And now I'm going to start having problems putting his clothes through the washer again, because I don't want the washer contaminated.  And even though my husband realizes I am grossed out by all of this, he is oblivious to how this could send me spiraling backward.  Just when I was finally starting to get some freedom from this.  Ugh!!!!
I have also lied to my parents/family over the years.  I've become really good at just making up quick little white lies to explain a situation.  I told my parents when they visited my house, that our main bathroom toilet flusher was out of order, just so they wouldn't use my "safe" bathroom.  One time at a work meeting I didn't want to "contaminate" my clothes by sitting in a public seat, so I came at the last second to the meeting and stood up, and told everyone I had hurt my knee and just needed to stand for a bit, because it hurt too much to get up and down.  When I was getting my hair cut last spring, I told my hairdresser that I didn't want to wear the cape over my clothes because I was super hot from the weather that day and also claustrophobic.  I did this to avoid feeling "contaminated" by the dirty cape that has been worn by hundreds of people and also probably has remnants of bleach/hair dye on it, and wanting to avoid figuring out what to do with my own clothes after that.  I haven't actually had my hair cut since then, because I don't want to deal with it again.  These are just a few examples, but it is amazing to me what I can come up with on a whim.  I really don't like it.  I don't like how lying comes so naturally to me to make excuses so I don't look "odd" to other people.  Because let's face it, one excuse here or there doesn't look so strange.  But I hate lying.  I hate how my OCD has that much control over me.  It also shows that we realize our behavior is illogical, but we are trying to put on a normal appearance.  These are some examples of what might make OCD sufferers appear "quirky", but in reality the problem goes so much deeper.  Something that non-OCD sufferers can not understand.  What is the biggest lie you've ever told with your OCD?  What are you struggling with in regard to your OCD today?

OCD and the Holidays

So I've got a lot of catching up to do here.  I have a few posts circulating around in my head that I want to get out, so you will probably hear from me more often than usual for the next couple of weeks.  Thanksgiving is coming up.  The holidays are always a difficult time for me, because my OCD wants me to avoid, avoid, avoid.  For most family gatherings anymore, I come up with excuses so that I don't have to go anywhere.  Because frankly, I just don't want to deal with the contamination and the "after-effects"--being all of the not so fun compulsions that I go through afterward.  My husbands family gatherings are always out of town.  For Thanksgiving we typically make a 4 hour drive to his aunts house--that is an 8 hour round trip, with about 4-5 hours actually spent at her house.  It will make for an all day affair.  We make this trip every other year, usually, as we spend the alternate year with my side of the family.  There were a few OCD-free Thanksgivings where everything went "normally" for this occasion.  Driving up there, eating, coming back.  No issues.  Those were even fun times, that I enjoyed.  Then enter in contamination OCD.  About 4 years ago, I remember bringing my own food for the occasion.  I did not want to eat there, did not want to eat off others dishes or eat food that other people had prepared.  I brought some snack type stuff in bags for my daughter and I to eat.  There were a lot of people there, so it was somewhat easy to make it not seem so obvious that we weren't eating the food there.  We just mingled and went to different areas of the house.  2 years ago, we did not make the trip there (for reasons outside of my OCD).  My mother in law happened to be out of the country, and so we had my father in law over to our place for Thanksgiving dinner.  I can tell you it was a relief that we didn't travel there, but this time it was honestly for other reasons, which just happened to work out well with my OCD.  This year I am assuming we are supposed to travel again.  My husband hasn't said anything.  I don't know if that may be partly because he knows how much I'm dreading it.  Maybe part of him doesn't want to go too, because he doesn't want it to look strange when my daughter and I don't eat.  I really don't know.  That is purely speculation.  Nevertheless, there are many contamination issues I have now, that are new since the last time I traveled, and I honestly don't know how I will make this trip.  As of now, I have convinced myself that I'm just not going to go.  I actually am scheduled to work the 3 days after Thanksgiving (as my holiday weekend) at my job, so another excuse that I'm just too tired?  I don't know.  Here are the concerns I have about the trip:
   --Eating food that others have prepared (I absolutely can not do that)
   --Bringing my own food with (I don't want to look weird to others)
   --Sitting on their furniture and having my clothes contaminated (I could probably deal with this, if they didn't have cats, as I have been making marked improvement in this area.  Still I would need to come home and wash my clothes at least twice through the washer even if they didn't have pets.  Cats on furniture bother me, because they are in litter boxes and I feel like their feces is then on the couch and then in my clothes.  We have a dog at home, but she does not get up on the furniture.)  I'm not sure I could sit on their couch.  I feel like I would stand around all day for hours.  If I did sit down, I would feel my clothes were ruined and want to throw them out.  And I really don't want to throw them out.  I've been doing so much better in this area, it would be like a huge step back to have to throw them out, even due to the situation.
  --Eating off someone elses dishes.  (Can't do that).
  --Seeing my in-laws and family and knowing that people will be hugging, and I will just feel dirty.  Being cramped into a close space with a lot of people will really bother me.  People there might have colds or other viruses, and then there is no way to get out.  There will also be a couple of babies there, and they trigger me too.
  --And the new thing, that has never been an issue before, is the actual transportation to get there.  I don't want my husband driving my car, because I don't want him contaminating my seat with his clothes (see many previous posts if you're not up to date on this).  Meaning, I would have to be the driver the entire trip.  That part doesn't bother me so much.  What has happened almost every time we go here, is that his dad ends up traveling with us (sometimes both ways, but usually for sure on the way back), because his mom ends up staying there for a couple of extra days, since it is her family.  If his dad rides with us, I know my husband will want to drive so they can ride up front together.  I can not have my husband in my drivers seat.  I am also concerned that my in-laws might offer to have us ride with them, and I don't want to ride in someone elses's car.  Ugh.  This is too much work.
   --We would need to find someone to let our dog out during the day, if we are gone for 12 hours or more.  This would most likely fall on my parents.  I don't want someone in our house when I'm not here.
  --The last problem is the guilt I feel.  If we don't travel, I will feel guilty.  I will feel like I've let my husband down.  Like I've let the OCD win.  I will feel guilty that my daughter did not see our extended family for the holiday.

What to do?  What to do?  Ugh.  I hate OCD.  And I have a feeling it's going to win this time.  Sorry for the negativity.  I have been doing a lot better with my OCD in general lately, but it takes these types of things for me to put back into perspective, how much work I really have left to do.  The truth is, even though I'm pushing out small pieces of the OCD, the big issues are still there.

I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

OCD and "the unknown"

I am about 5 months into my self-guided ERP program.  I can honestly say that I did not expect I would come this far without professional help.  I still have a long ways to go, but I like being able to take this at my own pace.  There is a quote that says you never really know how strong you are, until you have to be.  That definitely applies here.  In order to overcome OCD, you have to be motivated.  It is so scary to think about facing the precise things that you have been trying to avoid for so long.  I have probably had a 25-30% reduction in my symptoms in the last 5 months, and I am happy with that.  It's really odd, because I almost feel like I'm coming out of OCD the opposite way that I came into it.  For instance, if you looked at a time line of all of my symptoms throughout the years, I'm going backwards and taking out the ones that haven't been ingrained for so long.  I'm at a much higher level of functioning than I was last year at this time.  The better you get, the more motivated you become, and you kind of start reversing the cycle.  As opposed to the "I'm so deep into OCD and so depressed, that everyday I keep getting worse" cycle that I was in last year.  I'm really trying not to listen to my OCD all the time, which is definitely a work in progress.  One of my most time consuming problems up to this point has been the manner in which I've handled doing laundry--all kinds of rituals and rules....the highest fear is that somehow the sewage water will get into the washing machine, so I don't flush toilets while the laundry is going, and I turn off the water supply to a couple of them before I do the laundry (because I think there is a venting problem with those 2 toilets and they randomly flush on their own.  Freaks me out).  I KNOW it's irrational, I KNOW it doesn't make sense, but it has greatly affected how I do my laundry.  A couple of days ago, when I was finished with 3 loads of laundry, I went downstairs to turn back on the water supply to the downstairs toilet and found that it was already on.  When I turn the crank, I can hear the water supply return and it didn't that time.  So one of two things happened:  either I forgot entirely to turn it off in the morning, OR I maybe just didn't flush the toilet after turning the supply off (to clear the line).  In either case, it drove me absolutely crazy because I just didn't know which one it was.  If I forgot to turn it off, then all of my laundry could possibly be "contaminated".  If it was that I had turned it off, but forgotten to "clear the line" by flushing, then the first load I did would be contaminated, but none of the rest.  In the past, I would have responded to this by redoing all the laundry again, because I just wouldn't be able to take the "what-if"s, even if that "what-if" was only a .01% chance.  I am proud to say though  that I didn't rewash the laundry.  I just put it away and actually am wearing one of the shirts today, and slept in the sheets.  I can honestly say it is not even bothering me today.  Now, of course I'm not ready to purposely wash my clothes with those toilets not turned off and do my laundry, but I was able to tolerate the uncertainty of it without it causing me really anxiety at all today;.  So that is what I call progress.  And really, that is what OCD is, is unable to tolerate the uncertainty of things.  Constantly obsessing over "did this happen, did that happen?  Well I better do this just in case". And then pretty soon you've got yourself a whole list of rituals and a way of doing things that is not necessary.  And you start avoiding things, and things spiral out of control.  As far as the other 70-75% of my symptoms, I will eventually get to those too.  I am taking things one step at a time, and so far it is working well for me. This laundry is just one example in so many things that I have been working on.  It is solely to give an example of the lengths one with OCD will go to avoid the "what-ifs".  I am starting to feel myself have a little more control over this disorder.  Every exposure I do, and every time I face a fear or face "the unknown", I get one step closer to getting my life back free of OCD.  And that may take awhile, but I am closer than I was before.  Many steps closer to breaking free of this.  

The Anticipation of the Exposure

Today I contaminated myself.  On purpose.  I have to be honest that touching my clothes without washing my hands is a huge problem for me.  For some reason, I don't want to contaminate myself.  I find myself washing my hands a lot during the day, especially around my dog, when I'm doing laundry, cooking, or cleaning.  If I'm just sitting there on the couch it's easy to avoid (as long as my dog is in the kennel), but if I'm up and about the house doing stuff...it seems I'm always washing.  A classic case of not wanting to spread the contamination around the house.  I've had a problem that has gotten quite of our hand, evidenced by some nasty looking warts that are appearing on my hands.  It has come to the point where it's critical for me to address my handwashing.  Over the past few months, I have developed many small warts on my hands and fingers.  It disgusts me, it is gross.  I have about 40 small warts now total on both hands and I don't know how to get rid of them.  I was seen at a dermatology office a couple of weeks ago.  Since I'm a pediatric nurse, I blamed my frequent handwashing on my job.  What I didn't tell her is that I work from home and wash my hands 150 times a day due to contamination fears.  She told me that I had to get my "hand eczema" under control and recommended steroid cream on my hands, and lots of moisturizing...then she will treat the warts when that cleared up.  The crazy thing is that my hands actually look better now than they have in years.  My husband noticed that recently too.  They are actually a normal color again, and I don't have any cracking or bleeding.  I have spent the last couple of months really trying to cut back on antibacterial soap. And I have actually done a pretty good job.  So that is why I'm frustrated.  I know I've obviously had this wart virus for awhile, but I'm afraid I waited too long to work on the handwashing.  Now I've damaged my skin, and I feel like this is a catch 22.  The warts aren't going to go away until I get control of the handwashing.  But I can't get control of the handwashing until I get rid of the warts. Because of the warts, I don't eat anything with my hands.  I use silverware for everything, even chips, candy, burgers. Everything.  I dont want to use my hands in the shower to apply body wash, so I squirt it on a kleenex and lather up that way.  My left hand used to be wart free, so I would shampoo with that hand.  But now I've got a few starting on that hand, and I'm not sure what to do if they start spreading there.  I don't want to develop new compulsions to get around more stuff.  If I could get rid of the warts, I think I could start eating and showering normally again.  I get so discouraged because it seems like  almost everyday super tiny ones are popping up and it makes me wonder how many more are really there, that I just can't see?  I have, for a nanosecond, considered stopping all handwashing immediately, other than the "normal times" but I don't think I can do that.  I need a baby step approach, but I don't think that is smart choice right now either.  I think if I didn't wash my hands, then I'd start using paper towels or baggies as a barrier...and I don't want to do that either.  If I honestly think about the times I do wash at home, the place where I really should back off, it's usually centered around not wanting to contaminate my clothes.  I wash before I put laundry in, before I take it out.  As long as I'm not touching my clothes I am okay.  But if I need to change clothes, go to the bathroom, I must have clean hands before I touch my clothes.  This is what I am going to work on this week, because I feel like I have to.   I am terrified that through the use of years of overdoing it with antibacterial soap, I've quite possibly screwed up my immune system to where it is not fighting off this virus.  I know there won't be a quick fix to this problem, but it can't keep getting worse.  I need to tackle this now.  I don't want to contaminate myself, but I fear if I don't address this now, it will keep spiraling more and more out of control.  Sometimes I try to look to others around me, and notice things they are doing....and I think wow!  They can do these things without even thinking twice about them....and they are probably all okay.  For instance I saw a guy filling up at the gas station last week and he was touching the gas pump handle and then he was scratching his stomach and adjusting his clothes.  I saw the kid across the street climb up on their giant trash can.  I see kids on our street literally rolling around in their grass.  I see people throwing away garbage in dumpsters and then rubbing their hands on their faces, probably not even giving it a second thought.  I see my husband picking up my dogs rawhide bone that is all chewed up and nasty, and then he goes right back on his ipad.  When I think back to a time that I didn't have OCD, I was obviously much happier.  When I wasn't consumed by these thoughts, I didn't pay attention to these things either.  But now I am to the point where I feel like EVERYTHING is dirty.  Of course, outside the home is worse than inside.  But today I did contaminate myself.  I touched our remote, my Nook tablet, the microwave, computer keyboard, pen/paper that I was working with, phone, washing machine knobs and a dusty door in our entryway...and I made myself not wash my hands each time.  The items themselves don't concern me, it's just touching my clothes afterward.  But today I just went about my business, and then when I needed to use the restroom I didn't wash before.  (Who the heck washes their hands BEFORE they use the restroom???  Anyone else besides me??!!  :))  I also purposely rubbed my hands over my clothes to really immerse myself in it....that is a technique that Jonathan Grayson refers to, and I don't like it...but I think it does work.  So although this (again) sounds ridiculous, it is a step in the right direction for me.  I need to purposely start contaminating myself with lower anxiety objects.  And as to the title of this post....the anticipation of the exposure is almost ALWAYS worse than the actual exposure itself.  You see, my brain has convinced me that I absolutely must do things a certain way...and I have to just tell my brain that I'm not going to listen anymore to the OCD.  I truly am so sick of this OCD, and I am ready to do whatever I need to do to get out of it  (well, no level 10's yet though!)  I have honestly found that most everytime I do an exposure I always think I can't do it, but then as soon as I do, it wasn't even that bad....I didn't even feel that anxious after I contaminated myself.  So whatever you are facing today and whatever exposure you just think you can't do....let me tell you that YOU CAN DO IT!!!!  You absolutely can!!!!  And you MUST do it, to overcome this disorder!!

OCD and a myriad of emotions

Today I want to talk about all of the emotions present in OCD.  I would love to hear from all of you too, and the emotions that you experience with this disorder.  I've had a couple of people say some things recently regarding OCD and it has really struck a nerve with me.  I feel like I'm starting to climb down this OCD mountain a little bit at a time (and truly getting into some moderate level exposures)...and I will post a progress update next post....but the emotional aspects of OCD are really wearing on me, and I could really use some good advice.  My boss said to me on the phone the other day, after learning that I was having some "health struggles" which is the extent to what they know, "Well, I can't see you, but you sound okay".  I also had a relative comment awhile back when talking about people being type A or organized in general, that "everyone is a little OCD, aren't they?".  This relative doesn't even know I have OCD...as does none of my family, other than my husband and daughter.  Those of you that are familiar with my blog probably have already heard me say that at certain points.  I have also have been seeing more posts on Facebook that are upsetting in general...pictures of things being "off" or assymetrical and kind of mocking OCD in general, and others posting pictures of organized rooms in their house with the statement that they are #soocd.  Maybe they are, I don't know.  Just things in general that are getting to me.  I have felt so many emotions through my struggle with OCD, but what I'm primarily dealing with right now is GUILT....because of avoidance behaviors!!!!!  I haven't been to a family function in almost a year on my moms side of the family.  I have missed all major holiday gatherings and grandparents birthdays, parents birthdays, nieces birthday--making up excuses every time that I didn't feel good, or I had to work, or some other excuse.  My daughter has missed spending time with family because I don't want to go anywhere.  My daughter has missed out on a lot of experiences because of me.  My husband has been affected by this (aside from our other marital issues unrelated to OCD).  All of my personal relationships have been affected by this.  Our finances have been affected greatly by this....to the point where I have spent an insane amount of money on this illness--SO much money spent on new clothes, shoes, slippers, paper towels, plastic gloves, leashes for the dog...replacing anything that is contaminated.  The contamination issues have kept me from going to church for several months...although I did go back for the first time this past weekend.  I hadn't given offering for such a long time because my money was going towards replacing everything in my wardrobe constantly.  I feel SO guilty inside.  In some future posts I plan on talking in detail about how each of these relationships has suffered, but today I'm going to try to stick with this topic.  I socially isolate myself mainly because I don't want to be trapped and hug people, because that triggers me so bad.  I am making so much progress in certain parts of my OCD, but feeling contaminated by other people is the very top of my hierarchy, and I just can't handle people touching me right now.  I don't want to walk on their carpets, I don't want them touching my clothes, I don't want to sit on their couches.  I don't want them hugging me.  I can tell that my mom is getting irritated with me not coming to anything...I think she just kind of feels like I don't care if I come to stuff or not.  Like I have other things I want to be doing, so I just don't come.  She is starting to sounds more upset,with me sometimes on the phone, and to be honest that is another emotion that I feel.  Numb.  It's like I don't care if people get mad at me anymore , or what they think.  I just distance myself emotionally.  I think I really do care though...it's just that I know my OCD is in a place where I can not deal with that, and I just want to shut out the noise of people and just not deal with it emotionally.  My sister was diagnosed with thyroid cancer earlier this summer and had her thyroid removed.  She is divorced mother.....and so my parents help her out quite a bit.  She stayed at my parents house for almost 2 weeks while she recovered from surgery, and several of her friends came by to see her during that time.  I have not seen my sister at all since she was diagnosed.  She is doing well now and they don't anticipate any long term problems, but I still feel really guilty.  Like I wasn't there for her.  My dad called me last night and told me that my grandpa, who lives by  himself in an assisted living facility, is declining rapidly health wise.  He had a hospice nurse evaluate him and they told my parents that he had begun his end of life journey.  I really want to go to see my grandpa and I don't know how my OCD will allow me to do that at this time.  I just feel awful, like I am a horrible person.  The last time I saw my grandpa was last Thanksgiving (actually that was the last time I was at my parents house too).  It was shortly after I started my clothing contamination issues (which in turn has caused the social isolation), and I remember wearing a super old pair of jeans and old sweatshirt to their house, because I knew after I hugged people I wouldn't be able to wear those clothes again.  I feel HORRIBLE saying that.  I have to throw away clothes because I hugged my grandpa in them.  I can't go to my nieces birthday party because I don't want her to hug me.  Little children really trigger me too.  The thing is, is that I am getting better sitting in public places.  That is something I've been working on.  Again, I will talk more about this in the next post, but I have been able to wear clothes in public again and wash and re-wear them without too many problems.  Its hugging people and having their clothes or hands on me, that bothers me.  I am so not ready to work on that yet.  I just feel guilty.  And embarassed and ashamed.  I feel lonely and angry.  I feel sad and depressed.  I feel  isolated and misunderstood.  I feel disconnected from those around me.  At times, I feel numb.  I feel like a horrible wife and mother a lot of the time.  A horrible daughter, a horrible sister.  A horrible friend, and a horrible employee.  But yet to people who look at me....I "look normal", so I must "be" normal.  I "sound" normal, so I must "be" normal.  I still carry on with my responsibilities.  I go out and do grocery shopping.  I run errands.  I work.  I take and pick up my daughter from school everyday.  I clean my house.  I pay my bills.  I cook dinner.  I help my daughter with her homework.  I take care of my daughter and my dog.  I still have lots of happy moments.  I can go out and do things.  But I look very rude and distant to those around me, because they just don't know what is really going on.  On the outside I appear "normal".  But the inside is a different story.  And unfortunately, the inside is a part that I keep hidden.  My secret.  My suffering in silence.  But I know I am not alone out there.  I know so many people suffer from OCD and keep it hidden too, oftentimes keeping it hidden until it gets so severe it can not be hidden anymore.  But what is it doing to us on the inside?  I feel like I hit my rock-bottom worst with the OCD from about August 2013-May 2014, and I am starting to come out of it.  It is a deep hole, that can feel so overwhelming.  It took me about 9 years to really start doing something about my OCD, all the while it continued to worsen and morph and grow, and I can honestly say that I am so happy that I started self-treatment.  I have actually gotten further than I ever thought I would, by devising my own program....and I know I just have to keep pushing forward.  One real quick thing I want to add is a few things that I have done in the last week that if you told me three months ago I would do today....I wouldn't have believed it....(and these are just a few examples of improvement, like I said more to come in the next post!)........I went to pick up a pizza and the worker was wearing a band-aid on his finger and I came home and ate the pizza over the course of 3 meals.  I ordered a sandwich the other day and the worker was wearing a huge gauze bandage over his thumb (even though he had his hand covered with a glove), and I came home and ate that.  Also, I am down to only one wash cycle for most clothing now this week---which is GIGANTIC improvement, if you look at my laundry post from last summer.  I am still separating things out, but this is also HUGE, and again....something I didn't think I would ever be able to do again.  I've been washing and rewearing many contaminated items, even though I will admit I have still thrown some things out.  I'm allowing myself to feel contaminated more often and not doing anything about it.  I have almost completely cut out antibacterial soap...and although my hands still look unhealthy, they are free of the redness/cracked skin that once covered them for so long.  I feel myself SLOWLY coming out of the deep, dark, consuming OCD.  It definitely still affects my life everyday.  I would still consider myself severe OCD, but I feel better emotionally than I did.  I don't feel as depressed anymore.  The hardest part is the guilt and the isolation that I mentioned.  I KNOW that I can keep working on this and will come out stronger because of it.  And if you have deep, dark, consuming OCD...please know that it CAN be beat.  You CAN start to come out of it.  Our minds are stronger than our OCD . We just have to believe in ourselves, and get our stories out there.  So we know we're not alone.  So we can help each other.  So we can get awareness out there to the public to fight off the horrible stigma that mental illness has.  Because OCD is a mental illness...and we need to remember that.  An illness.  But one that can be beat with some hard, persistent work.