You are stronger than you think!

     Well, now it is mid-August, and the summer is officially almost over.  What I have been continuing to work on through the summer is my COVID fears, and getting back out into life again.  I am really proud of what I have accomplished this summer, especially with one of my dogs in her final stages of terminal cancer.  It would have been very easy to neglect my own mental health and recovery (and trust me, part of me wanted to), while I focused on her.  But I had to make both her and my own mental health priorities this summer.  I knew that if I did not take steps to fight back against my OCD, that it would become even harder to move to that better place, once my dog is gone.  And she deserves a happier mom, and I know she will want the best for me when she is gone.  She will want me to live better.  Her disease has taught me a lot about life, uncertainty and fear of the future.  I am really fighting back against my OCD for her at this point.  She has inspired me so much by what she has gone through this past year (amputation and chemotherapy), and it's forced me to realize that her future is not in my control.  Trust me...there have been times that my OCD has really played on this and forced me to engage in compulsions so that "she will be okay".  I have a post planned soon about pets and OCD (I've posted before many, many years ago on this subject, as I think it's an important topic to discuss.  And it will allow me to give some background on my dog and what we have been facing together this past year.  

    As I discussed in my last post, I had made a list of all the exposures I wanted to do this summer--most all of them involving getting back out into a world with COVID, and learning to navigate life in that world again.  There were some other exposures I did too (some clothing contamination and food issues), but for the purpose of this post, I will focus on the COVID stuff.  Keep in mind, and remember, that prior to June of this year I had never been in a public place without a mask.  Furthermore, even when masked--I was pretty much limiting my outings to doctor appointments and vet visits.  All of my grocery/Target shopping was done curbside.  I had not been into a grocery store since 3/17/20.  When I started my plan this summer, initially I was going to go into a store maybe 1-2 times/week for 10 minutes and slowly build up, so that by the end of the summer I was able to go into stores more regularly.  I had initially thought this would be a process that would take the whole summer, in very small baby steps.  For instance, maybe going to Target one week and buying one item.  Then going to Wal-Mart the next week and being in there for 5 minutes.  Etc.  In actuality, I ended up just diving right in, and within 1-2 weeks, I was going into stores multiple times a week, without a mask, without really any anxiety.  I think the anticipation of getting back out into the world was the hardest.  Once I got there, it really wasn't that bad.  As usual, with OCD, our minds imagine the worst.  So for the last 3 years I imagine some crazy looking society where everyone walks around sick and coughing.  But once I got back out there, it was just how it used to be before COVID.  Now I go into some sort of store almost daily (sometimes multiple stores daily), and have no issues (other than today I did go into a very crowded Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon and that did invoke some anxiety in me, but I stuck with it).  I also had a lot of outdoor exposures planned, which I was able to follow through on every single one, except for one thing...which happened to be out of my control.  We ended up running out of time this summer to go there, but it was a lower level exposure, so I have no doubt that I would have gone, and it would have been fine.  My biggest outdoor exposure was going to a very large world-renowned zoo that we live close by, and visiting the zoo in it's entirety (even going into the more crowded indoor exhibits).  Children are a huge trigger for me, and of course at zoos children run wild and are all over the place.  So, it was a little triggering at times, but not bad at all.  The only indoor exposure I did not get done this summer was getting back to a hair salon for a professional color/cut.  I did make that appointment today though for a month out, so I am proud of that (that was the soonest they could get me in).

    Whenever I am strong enough to fight back against certain aspects of my OCD, I learn that I am stronger than I think.  At the beginning of the summer, I did not anticipate I would get to where I am now.  And I am proud of myself for that.  It's not easy at all to fight back against your fears.  And whatever you are currently doing to fight back against your OCD, I am proud of you too.  Whether that's smaller baby steps, or bigger leaps.....please remember that every step you take is important.  Non OCD-sufferers to not understand how much strength this takes to overcome our fears.  I lived in avoidance mode for 3 years, and it would be fairly easy for me to continue on that way.  After all, I work from home.  And the current way of the world, has made it pretty easy to do most things curbside these days.  But I want more for myself.  I want to experience the freedom from OCD, and I so desperately want to live again with the freedom from those OCD chains.  I am so mentally exhausted living with this disorder, I have so many more issues than the COVID stuff.  But this is a big step for me, and takes me back potentially to where I was 3 years ago.  If I can fight against the COVID stuff (which is probably one of my biggest 2 OCD fears--clothing contamination being the other), than it serves as a reminder that I can fight back against the other stuff too.  I look forward to a life someday that is not ruled by this disorder someday.  None of us asked for this horrible, oftentimes debilitating disorder.  But now that we have it, it unfortunately is up to us to get rid of it.  No one else can do the work for us.  You are so much stronger than you realize.  Just having OCD means that you are a strong person.  Getting through every single day with OCD, takes a strong person.  There is so much work in fighting back against OCD, yes that is absolutely true.  But there is also so much work in living with OCD every day too, and catering to it's every demand.  It is pure mental exhaustion.  It is a prison really.  We deserve so much better than that.  

    One of the hardest realities I face, is that my husband really never acknowledges how hard I work against my OCD.  After everything I have done the last 2 1/2 months, to get back into life, there has not been one comment about how proud he is of me for doing that.  It is a very disheartening feeling, and very much ties in with the emotional contamination issues I have with him (also to be addressed in an upcoming post), but makes me all the more grateful for this OCD community, as no one else really could truly understand what we go through.

    I will have to keep fighting back against this constantly, because I know COVID isn't going anywhere.  We are already seeing an uptick of cases again, and I have a feeling we'll see a seasonal surge this fall/winter.  I may go back to masking temporarily if that is the case, but I definitely do not want to slip back into the avoidance pattern again.  There will be some difficulties coming up this winter as well, as the holidays come upon us.  I have not seen my in-laws at all for almost 4 years due to COVID, and I haven't been inside my parents home for the same amount of time (I have done lots of driveway visits with my own parents though).  I am feeling very anxious already thinking about the holiday invitations and how I will handle that.  Being in someone's home during cold/flu season, with COVID present in the community, and small children, all assembled in a small family room together.....that is definitely not something that I am ready for right now.  

    I am also really scared of where my mental health will go, when my beloved dog passes away.  The last time we said goodbye to a dog was in 2013 and it put me into a state of severe depression for 18 months straight.  It left me almost non-functional for that time, and that period in my life feels like such a blur looking back.  During this period, my OCD became extremely severe and almost debilitating, affecting me 24/7.  It took incredible amounts of work to get out of that and come to a better place.  It took about 2 years of continual hard work (spanning from 2015-2017) to get to a place where I felt pretty good again.  Then I did fairly well, and would consider my OCD to be just moderate until COVID hit in 2020.  Now that I've started the hard work again, I'm afraid of falling back.  Like I mentioned earlier in the post, I am bound and determined to keep moving forward the best I can, after my dog passes.  That is how I want to honor her.  Her cancer has taught me so much about life.  She has adapted to so much that was put on her, and now I need to be strong and do the same.  I need to take what she has taught me, and be strong enough to live it out.

Where I've been and where I'm going

  It's been a LONG time since I've posted.  These last few weeks have been a critical turning point for me with my COVID related contamination OCD issues.  We are now 3 weeks and 3 months+ since COVID first started, and my life has been a rollercoaster since that time.  It has just been in the last few weeks that I am finally ready to move forward, and get back into a life that will likely always have COVID hanging around in the background. 

    So, to recap the title of this post "Where I've been and where I'm going", I'd like to look back on how things were when this all started.  No doubt that COVID has forever traumatized me moving forward.  It made me feel unsafe and completely out of control, which of course the OCD really fed on and enjoyed.  It is so hard to look back and remember everything from the beginning.  All I know is over the past 3 years I have made progress, HUGE progress and that counts for something  For probably the first 18 months of COVID, I had barely any interaction with anyone outside of my home (and of course the people in my home were either working from home or remote schooling so there really wasn't any contact with anyone "unsafe" or suspicious for COVID).  I did all of my grocery shopping, Target orders curbside with a mask.  I even wore it in my car because I was afraid the employees might have breathed COVID into my car when they were loading it. I did not walk my dogs during this time, at all.  Only absolutely necessary appointments were attended (and there were only a handful of those), with a mask and a face shield.  I did not visit the dentist and missed a couple of cleanings during this time.  My parents dropped of birthday or Christmas gifts at the door and waved to me through the window.  I did not do any takeout or drive thru food orders, I only cooked.  Every.Single. Meal.  If I sat outside on my deck and heard someone coughing several backyards over, I would go inside immediately.  I let packages sit on my porch for at least 2 hours before I would go outside and take them indoors (because I felt the deliveryman might have breathed COVID onto the porch).  I would only go get the mail (we have a community mailbox on our street) if no one had been there for at least 10-15 minutes (again...the breathing thing).  I wouldn't even go to any public outdoor place (like a park), to walk.  I remember one night I was getting the mail late at night, and unbeknownst to me, a neighbor was approaching in the dark.  He was two feet away from me about 10-20 seconds and I came inside and had an absolute panic attack.  I showered, gargled with mouthwash multiple times, and scrubbed my face.  I was petrified he had COVID and I was going to get it.  I never wiped my groceries down, but I developed some really bad habits of feeling like every single thing that came into our house was contaminated with COVID.  Because of this, my handwashing routines got out of control and I would wash my  hands hundreds of times per day, between touching really anything in our house, for fear of spreading it somewhere else.  I could probably write a novel about all of the things I did the first 18 months.  I'm not even sure when things started to turn around, but at some points after that I made small changes that set a new trajectory and I began feeling slightly comfortable with things, little by little. 

    In the summer of 2022, I started eating out again.  I remember the first time I ordered pizza.  I was so worried it was contaminated, I brought it home (I ordered it curbside of course, even though I was probably the only one still doing it that way), and threw it in the oven to kill any germs.  I started slowly getting more and more drive thru food that summer and fall, and initially I would heat everything.  Then I decided I would just start eating it "as is" and not  heating it up.  We've been eating lots of drive thru food now for over a year, and none of us have gotten COVID.  It does really help the OCD when we stop avoiding things, or doing them compulsively.  And just handle it like a neurotypical mind would.  Now, I can eat drive thru consistently with really no issues....because it feels "normal" to me again.    

    I started walking my dogs again consistently last summer.  My daughter and I did some outdoor activities, we still wore masks while indoors.  I haven't work a mask in my car or for curbside since March 2022.  We have been going to all of our standard appointments....eye, dental, physical exams, other random appointments to address symptoms to come up.  We have not been neglecting our health anymore due to the COVID concern.  My handwashing issues are probably more pre-COVID levels now, so I still have them, but they are WAY better.  I don't panic at all when I'm walking through the neighborhood or see people outside.  If someone does cough, of course I get nervous (I always will), but I am able to move on with day without fretting about it for days.  My neighbor even came in our garage a few weeks to talk when he saw me there, and I didn't feel too nervous about that (something like that would have put me in an absolute panic even just one year ago).  I stopped letting packages sit on the porch and stopped worrying about when to go get the mail.  Sometimes when I Iook back, I can see that my mind allowed me to calm down about COVID a lot that summer, even though things still definitely weren't normal.

    I don't suppose things will ever truly be "normal" for me again.  After all, a lot of my OCD has always been triggered by respiratory illness (influenza specifically), so the threat of COVID was a thousand times worse and rendered me non functional.  I am ready to move forward.  I'm not sure exactly what that looks like, but I know I can not stay stuck like this forever.  Right now COVID is still out there, but it's not an emergency anymore.  I can see that people (for the most part) aren't dying from this illness.  I can see the rest of the world living normally, and I hate myself that I am unable to do that.  I hate that my OCD has kept me from living my life (not just with COVID, but with all the issues it gives me).

    Over the last month, I have been really been trying to do a set exposures plan to get back into life again.  I have not had a set exposure plan since prior to COVID.  I have been significantly depressed for multiple reasons, which has left me very unmotivated and hopeless in trying to deal with the OCD.  For those of you that deal with both depression and OCD, you know how vicious of a cycle it is.  I decided it's time to rip of the bandaid and start going into places without a mask, so over the last 2 weeks I've worked my way up from extremely briefly walking into a public place (going inside 2 public bathrooms quickly while on a long driving trip), moving up to 5-10 minutes each in a pet store and ice cream shop.  Then about 15 minutes in the same pet store and a department store the following week.  Yesterday I did my biggest indoor exposure and went inside a grocery store for about 30 minutes and shopped for several items.  It was honestly surreal.  It is truly the first time I have been inside of a grocery store since COVID started (3 years, 3 months and 6 days since my last grocery store trip).  I was surprised that I didn't feel too anxious after any of these exposures.  I have been doing a lot more outdoor activities too, even purposely at more busy times of the business.  I went to the zoo with my daughter (that was potentially very trigging because KIDS everywhere...which kids are germ magnets to me and I don't like being around them in general anymore, even before COVID).  I have went miniature golfing three times now (which I also did last summer, but I seemed more calm and at ease this summer I can tell).  I went to a lake where many people walk the trail around it, and successfully walked the entire 2.2 miles.  It is good to be around people, pass them by, and learn again that nothing bad happens.  In my mind for so long I've envisioned a world full of COVID where every single person walks around coughing and sick.  That might have been *semi* rational at the beginning of the pandemic, but obviously at this point now that is not the case.  The reason I decided it was time to move forward, is because I know I was stuck.  I know the only way out of this OCD/depression/isolation cycle is to start moving forward.  If I didn't start taking steps now, I did fear I would continue to live this way for the rest of my life.  And that is pretty bleak and hopeless too.  

    I'm planning to continue my indoor exposures, and hopefully do at least 4-5 of those per week.  Outdoor activities, I've got some bigger things planned too before summer is over.  Three of my big goals are to get to a giant zoo 1 hour away from us (which draws a ton of crowds), and to do a treetops adventure course outside (which I've done previously pre-COVID, but it is a little closer contact activity with others outside).  Thirdly, I'd like to go to a salon and get my  hair done without a mask (which will be a 2 hour process indoors).  Obviously I have not been into a salon yet, and let's see my hair really needs it.  Yikes.  I'm still not ready to go into others homes, or eat at a restaurant.  I also will continue to wear a mask when I go into a doctors office for the foreseeable future, but truth be told I've been pretty surprised at myself at what I've accomplished in the last few weeks, so maybe I'll get farther than I think.  

    Avoidance has been one of my major traps with OCD.  So many people don't think of it as compulsion, but it is.  In fact for a lot of us, avoidance is a strategy that we often use and  is one that can quickly shrink your world down.  Mine became very black and white...I don't want to get COVID, so I'll avoid people.  I'll wear a mask 100% of the time, I won't get close to people.  I'll avoid anything or anywhere that COVID could be.  I'll stop going here, I'll stop going there.  Pretty soon your world shrinks down to a tiny little safe corner, that you slowly have to work your way out of.  I didn't realize it, but over time I was very slowly working my way out of that corner.  Now it's time to break free again and live.  I want you all to know that if I can do this, you can too.  OCD takes so much away from us.  It is really unfair.  No wonder it is in the top 10 disabling conditions, according to the World Health Organization.  Living with what I would say severe OCD since 2008, and disabling OCD from 2013-2015, I spent the period of 2016-2018 really getting my life back from OCD and felt I was at a pretty good place up until COVID hit.  COVID put me back at square 1, and honestly took away 3 years of my life.  It is time to move forward.  It is time to fight back.  I know that not every day will be perfect, and I know I will have setbacks.  There will always be setbacks with OCD.  I plan to update more as I am actively doing ERP again....There are some other areas of my OCD in which I am really struggling right now too (more on those things later)....but to summarize--my emotional contamination and clothing contamination are still very problematic.  I am dealing with some other very stressful situations in life right now which are compounding the OCD terribly.  More on that to come, as those require a different post and specific attention!  I wish you all well, and I promise you that fighting back for your life is worth it.  If I can do it, so can you.    

Addendum:  This post has been in draft since 6/24 and just posting today.  Over the last 2 weeks since that time, I have continued to do so much better going out in public.  It has been one month now since I've been going maskless to stores, I go in places about 3-4 times a week for groceries/errands and have done really well.  Originally my plan was to go 1 place per week throughout the summer, but since I was doing so well I pushed myself further and just jumped right in.  Continuing to face things consistently really does make a difference.  New post in the making and coming soon!

A major backslide

    Does everyone know the board game Chutes and Ladders?  Where you manuever your way through the game, sometimes climbing a ladder and getting closer to the finish line faster.  But sometimes you occasionally land on a chute, which sends you plummeting close down to the bottom of the board again.  That's what I feel like COVID has done to me, and probably many of you others that suffer with contamination OCD.  I haven't posted for awhile, because in all honesty things have just been horrible with my OCD.  I don't even know where to start, so this may just be a jumble of everything that's happened.  But I've always kept it real on this blog...and I'm not gonna lie.  Where I once had been improving and doing so much better, I am getting closer back to square one, and I'm drowning in OCD.

      Two of my biggest personal triggers are illness (specifically flu season) and my husband in general (that is a constant trigger).  I had been doing so much better the last few years, except for when flu season hits.  Then I usually hunker down and become somewhat of a hermit until the season settles down, and then I get back out again and would say I didn't regress much during each flu season.  I just avoided going out much during that time.  Once COVID hit, everything changed.  I became extremely agorophobic and avoidant of everything and everywhere.  This huge panic hit within me about an unknown illness, and I decided I would be housebound as much as possible.  I do a weekly grocery pick up still, and have been to only a handful of medical appointments.  I haven't seen my parents since March, I haven't associated with my neighbors (except for a couple of accidental interactions which really spiked my anxiety), haven't been inside of a store or any public setting otherwise.  I haven't even walked outside of my house for exercise purposes.  I only am outside in the front yard to get my mail or take the trash out, or to get in/out of my car in the garage.  I go into our backyard multiple times per day with my dogs to let them out (I feel much more comfortable back there).  I am suffering hugely.  I am a mental wreck right now.  My dogs haven't been walked since March because of this, and I feel a horrible sense of guilt over this (we used to walk up to 3-4 times per day).  Their emotional and physical health is certainly suffering too as a result.  They are keyed up at home cooped up inside most of the day, and it shows in their behavior.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to walk them again in the neighborhood until the threat of COVID has passed.  People don't pay attention to the recommendations anymore, and I've found a lot of people don't care.  I had a neighbor walk up to me the other day as I was bringing groceries in and he came over to my yard (actually stepped up onto my front porch) and tried to have a conversation with me (no mask) from 5 feet away.  I have absolute panic at the thought of a human interaction.  I won't even take my trash out if there are people outside, across the street (because I still feel it's too close to me).  So the thought of walking through my neighborhood where multiple interactions could potentially happen each time, isn't even a possibility.  We have so many kids on my street alone and hardly anyone on my street is careful.  Also my dogs are kid magnets and I cannot take the possibility of kids coming up to me every day wanting to pet my dogs.  I want to be around no one really, unless absolutely necessary.  I have taken them out to the country to walk a few times, but it's not an easy process with two 60 pound dogs.  Amazon Prime has become my new best friend.  I order everything...EVERYTHING...off of Amazon.  Every single thing that comes into my house feels eternally contaminated, unless it can be washed (for example clothes), so my handwashing has skyrocketed.  While a lot of of people disinfect their groceries, I can't bring myself to do this.  I feel it is unsafe to wash your groceries down with chemicals, so I refuse to start this habit.  But a drawback is that now I feel all my groceries are contaminated.  There is no way to keep track of what is old vs. what is new in my pantry/fridge, so everything feels dirty.  I wash my hands basically after I touch anything in my pantry.  I wash my hands after I touch basically anything in my house anymore, unless it's my computer or phone, which are "safe" items (but if they become contaminated, I'll wipe them down).  I bet I wash my hands three times as much as I used to.  My handwashing was so bad 7ish years ago that I developed warts all over my hands (it seriously looked like bubble wrap on my hands) and it took years for those warts to resolve and go away.  The other day I noticed several small warts festering underneath my skin, and I feel like soon I'll be at the point where these pop out and become noticeable again.  

    The other huge issue I've been having is with my husband.  He has always been a trigger for me, and things feel 1,000 times worse now during COVID.  It used to be manageable to some extent, as he was gone at work everyday and spent a lot of his free time gone on the weekends or evenings.  I was usually here by myself during the day, able to come and go, do my laundry, baking, etc. without him here.  He is literally here now all the time, and our relationship and my mental health is tanking because of it.  I've become worried about so many things I've never been worried about before.  I have nothing to focus on really at this point other than the fact he is here and what he is possibly contaminating.  He is feeling more contaminated to me every day.  I had been managing *fairly* well at the beginning of COVID, but I have really backslid significantly.  I can see huge setbacks even in the past few weeks, and feel myself sinking into a depression again (which I have not had for a long time).  Basically everything my OCD is telling me in regard to him, I'm giving in to.  And when you give into your OCD fully, you drown in it.  When you lose the ability to fight back, you surrender to OCD.  You let it win.  I know that every time I give in to it, I'm getting worse.  But I can't stop anymore.  I told myself whatever I have to do to get through this pandemic and time together, I will do.  And it's hurting me big time.  My clothing, my couch, and food are the 3 biggest issues I'm having living with him right now.  My clothes have become an insurmountable problem.  I've tried to do a lot of reflecting on why this is and I think it comes down to the fact that my safe space is my only space right now and all my effort goes into maintaining those spaces.  Before COVID, I went out daily for one reason or another.  I wore my "outside clothes" the majority of the day and lived in the "outside world" and functioned fairly well to most outsiders.  I got groceries, went to appointments, walked outside, talked to neighbors, took my daughter to and from school.  I didn't spend every moment inside in my safe spaces.  And now I do, and that is the only thing to focus on.  I've been finding the combination of my husband and my dogs is presenting a huge challenge for me.  My husband is still not showering super frequently and doesn't change his clothes a lot.  My dogs are always climbing all over him and his clothes and his furniture, and I feel their fur becomes contaminated as a result of that.  So every time one of my dogs brushes their tail against me walking past me or backs up into me, I feel I have to change my clothes.  Even moreso I've noticed I'm giving into the OCD when I'm pretty sure they didn't brush up against me, but cant be positive...so I give in and change my clothes anyway.  What I want to do is throw them away, but I know I can't resort to that.  I can't throw away that many clothes. I've been throwing away more than I want to already again.  Way more.  So I change frequently, sometimes multiple times a day, which creates massive amounts of laundry.  My husband himself presents challenges to me in regard to my clothing as well.  I truly can't be closer than about 10 feet to him, or my OCD feels that he is right on top of me, contaminating me.  If he walks past me or comes up from behind me and I'm not aware of his positioning to me, I become almost frantic and fearful.  I change my clothes often because of that (and I'll also admit I've thrown some things away because I couldn't convince myself that he didn't somehow brush up against me).  Even just walking behind his couch (which unfortunately is the only path from the living room to the kitchen--my two main areas)--if he stretches his arms out for example, which weirdly happens ALL THE TIME anymore, I am worried his fingertips grazed my clothes.  These are things that used to happen very seldomly prior to COVID, but are now happening daily and I just can't manage anymore.  I can't handle the stress and what will inevitability happen--worry--if I get too close to him.  I've found myself paralyzed standing in the kitchen, because his arm is hanging over the couch and I can't take the chance of coming back to the kitchen in case somehow his fingers touch me as he is stretching.  Or knowing that he didn't actually touch me, but not able to accept that, and changing my clothes anyway to move on with my day.  I find that I do best if I just sit on my couch, where there is no chance he can contaminate me or come close to me.  I have my couch gated off from our dogs so they can't come back either (that's been set up like that even before COVID) but it that where I feel safest and most comfortable.  Where nothing will contaminate my clothing.  Even things that I would never in a million years have worried about prior to COVID, I find myself fixating on now.  The way he blows on his phone to get dust off, or the way he sighs super loudly.  I feel that massive amounts of germs from his lungs are coming out and contaminating the air.  Obviously I can't decontaminate the air, but I do decontaminate what I can control--which is my clothes and my couch.  I've reverted back to washing my couch again super often, which is something I was able to pretty much extinguish previously.   Even him talking while eating 7 feet away from me on the next couch over bothers me, because I envision food participles coming out of his mouth, somehow spewing on to me.  I've started purposely eating my meals and trying to finish them, before he comes up to eat, so I don't feel he is contaminating my food when he is sitting semi-close by.  I've also started ignoring him when he talks with food in his mouth, which upsets him too.  But I find that if I don't engage in conversation, he stops talking, and then the obsessing quiets down too.  I am even finding that his mere presence in a room makes me feel contaminated.  Even if he's sitting at the kitchen table doing something and I walk through the kitchen--I rationally know there is no way he could have touched me, but I find myself changing my clothes.  It is literally a mental torture chamber.  I feel like all I do with my days is trying to avoid coming into any contact with him at all.  It his horrific.

    Which brings me to the food topic, another huge newer issue I've been dealing with.  Again, some of this is hard to judge because it had been a problem prior to COVID, but it happened so infrequently that it didn't seem to affect my life much.  Now this is happening frequently, and it's become very problematic.  I like to cook/bake and I spend a fair amount of time in the kitchen.  I don't feel comfortable cooking/baking anymore when he is around, because I don't want him passing through the kitchen, because then I have to make myself hyperaware of where he is in relation to both me and the food, and it becomes a very stressful process.  The other night I made some Mexican food for dinner (which I had really been looking forward to) and I had the leftovers sitting on the oven with some foil wrap over them (I did this in case he went through the kitchen, that way the food wasn't exposed when it was cooling and he couldn't breathe over it or what not).  I didn't even expect him to go through the kitchen after dinner, but he did and he walked over by the oven.  I, of course, couldn't see what he was doing over the kitchen island, and everything looked the same with the foil cover when he left, but my OCD kept screaming at me that he might have touched the food, or taken the foil off.  I sat there and tried to reinact several times where he was standing and I would take the foil off the food to see what kind of sound it made to convince myself I would have heard it if he had taken the foil off.  And I literally couldn't even handle that one in a zillion chance, so I ended up throwing our leftovers away, which made me really angry at myself.  And also angry at him, even though he probably in reality hadn't done anything.  A similar situation happened today.  He had left for a couple of hours, so I made some muffins for our breakfasts for this week. I really only try to cook when I am certain he won't be coming through the kitchen.  I made the muffins and left them on the stovetop to cool.  I  hadn't expected him to come home for a little while longer, but I heard the garage door and I panicked.  I ran as fast as I could to take the cookie sheet of muffins and I went back and put them in my bedroom, and returned back to my couch before he came inside.  I am 100% sure that the muffins were safe and put away before he came inside, but my OCD started badgering me, "what if you don't remember it right?  what if he did come in and touch the muffins?  He hasn't washed his hands, he's been out hunting, your muffins could be contaminated".  I tried 2 hours to fight those thoughts and my anxiety just wouldn't come down.  So I took 12 jumbo muffins and threw them in the trash.  I figured it would be easier to remake them tomorrow and be "certain" that they were put away safely, rather than take a chance (even though it may be more difficult to do tomorrow since he will be here working).  I know, this all sounds bizarre and ridiculous and is just further proof of how bad I'm really doing.  Having to hide my food in my bedroom has caused so many additional problems.  I can't leave anything out on the counters now that I make, so everything goes back to a table in my room until it cools down and can be stored away.  The other day I had some taco meat on my bedroom table and it spilled all over the carpet.  Which then entailed a huge involved process of cleaning that stain out of the carpet, which just felt unnecessary and I was mad I even had to put it back there to begin with.  Back before COVID, I never had to worry about this stuff.  He was rarely here, and I never felt a need to "protect" my food most of the time.  And if something did happen, it was very random and out of the blue.  Now it's all the time.  On top of this, I feel like I have to watch him like a hawk.  There is never peace or relaxing.  When a package comes, I have to remind him to wash his hands after handling it.  When he touches the trash can outside, I have to remind him to wash his hands.  He is generally not good about washing his hands anyway, I hear him go to the bathroom and flush the toilet multiple times a day as he is working, and he never washes his hands after he flushes the toilet.  I have to watch every move he makes upstairs--so that I can decide if I need to change my clothes or wipe off the couch when he leaves.  I can't sit there and relax and watch TV or even read.  If he is out here, my entire focus is on him.  Sometimes he looks at his phone for hours, and I am literally just watching him for hours, incapable of doing anything else.  I can't leave him alone out here in my safe space either, because I literally have to know what is going on.  I've become a prisoner to my couch cushion, and that is literally where I spent almost every moment of the day (other than cooking, sleeping and showering).  If he leaves (which occasionally he will go out to his farm or go hunting), that is the only time I feel a period of peace and can breathe and relax.  I literally feel sick to my stomach being around him most of the time.  I am completely on edge and completely overwhelmed.

    I know my health has suffered through all of this too.  I have lost more weight after years of finally getting back to an ideal healthy weight.  The fatigue is unbearable.  I've been getting more headaches too.  I have been having heart palpitations for a few months now.  My fibromyalgia has flared up significantly, and I am getting very frequent flare ups of that. I feel like crap every day.  I feel stressed, I feel crazy at times.  I have so much anger and frustration inside of me, I just snap for any reason.  It's like I have no control over my emotions anymore, and part of me doesn't even care most of the time.  I am so done dealing with this COVID.  I have done everything I possibly can and everything we are recommended to do.  And I see so many people not following guidelines and not caring about any of this, and it is so disheartening.  I have lost faith in a lot of people.  I am so angry at people for not doing what they should be.  Those of us with mental health issues have suffered even more than our "normal" during all of this and we suffer so much in our daily lives to begin with.  We certainly don't need to backslide and suffer furthermore.  Certainly the rates of anxiety/depression are greatly increasing amongst those who didn't have it previously.  I don't think I've ever been so stressed out in my life.  I have never felt so anxious, so out of control, so overwhelmed.  I feel so depressed, I don't even know how to dig myself out anymore.  It feels like COVID will never end.  Every day the cases continue to climb.  We are in the red zone here.  Hospitals are being filled to capacity and our medical doctors in the community are urging citizens to be careful.  Half of the people don't listen, and our state governor isn't really doing anything to help.  We have a city wide mask mandate currently (thanks to our mayor!), but the governor isn't really doing what I feel is necessary statewide to help control this.  I am growing weary, and I am becoming very fearful for what life looks like down the road.  I had worked so hard to get out of my OCD, and I feel like I've gone back to square one (probably even worse).  If I can't even fathom the thought of going into a grocery store right now with a mask, how am I ever going to feel comfortable again going without a mask when the threat of COVID is over?  Some experts believe that COVID could be around for years.  That is such a depressing and daunting thought.  Confined in a house 24/7, still buying groceries online a few years down the road.  Not walking or exercising outside the house for YEARS?!!!??  Not feeling comfortable being outside around neighbors?  Not seeing my parents, who are getting older now?  Not being able to just go into a store and browse for years?!  Not going on an excursion to the zoo or eating out or seeing a movie for years?!  My dogs being holed up for a significant portion of their life?  My husband working from home for several more years?  Having to have hyperawareness of everything going on around me at every single moment?  I can't even handle this anymore.  

    I know that many of you are also struggling, and my heart goes out to you. This is a very difficult time for everyone, but I believe even moreso for those of that have mental health issues.  If you read this through to the end, thank you!!  Just kind of a briefish update of the main issues and what's been going since this pandemic started.  The threat of actually getting COVID seems pretty low when I'm barely  leaving my house and I never have a close interaction with anyone unmasked.  Everything I do is essential at this point (grocery pick ups and only necessary medical appointments).  It's pretty ironic because I would think I would feel safe to some degree at home, and my compulsions/handwashing/cleaning/decontamination would actually be better (since I'm not out in the outside world much).  But it's become so much worse.  Our anxiety will latch onto anything, and it knows that we can handle it.  So it just keeps dumping more and more on us to worry about.  Because we always seem to manage and find a way to deal with it.  In my case now, it's just creating more worry about my safe spaces.  Because my OCD wants to give me something to worry about.   And if I can't worry about the contaminated world so much anymore, it will focus more on maintaining my safe world.

    I hope that you all are well during this time, and managing the best you can.  If anyone wants to reach out to me, please do.  I welcome all comments and would love to interact/talk with anyone who is also struggling or having similar issues.  Be well and stay safe and healthy!

OCD/Anxiety and COVID-19 Part 3: Job loss and continued lockdown

     My family has been in lockdown, staying home now, for 4 1/2 weeks.  Everyone in my family has been home together 24/7 with the exception of  I go to get our grocery store pick up once per week, and my husband goes out occasionally to the farm  just for a change of pace.  I am starting to feel much more anxious this past week.  Last Monday on 3/30, I was laid off from my job where I worked as a nurse for the past 19 1/2 years.  It was a complete surprise.  The president of our clinic held a virtual meeting at 5:00 reporting that "tremendous cuts would be made in staff", and we each got our individual letter (yes, letter, how inappropriate) around 8pm.  I was blindsided to open mine and see that my position had been cut.  In fairness, all part time and casual employees were cut, but it was still quite a shock.  So, I had to report to work the next day (which was very difficult after getting no sleep the night before), and now I have been off work for the past week.  I filed for unemployment, which I never thought in a million years I would have to do as a nurse.  It looks like we'll be okay money wise.  There are a lot of good policies/laws in place right now for the unemployed laid off as a result of COVID.  It is possible, actually quite realistic, that I could recover all of my income (possibly even make more than I did weekly) over at least the next 4 months.  That gives time for my clinic to recover, and hopefully I can be re-hired back there by the end of the summer.  I was very angry and frustrated at first, but now I'm feeling much more at peace.  This pandemic has really done a number on my mental/emotional health, and maybe me not working right now is exactly what I need.  Maybe I just need to be the person in my home that takes care of picking up the groceries, ordering supplies, cooking all 3 meals every day.  It also opens up many hours during the day to take care of myself, which I have neglected to do for a long time.  I have been able to start exercising and having much more down time, which really helps.  The downside to having more free time on my hands, is that every time I turn on the TV or open up Facebook, that is all I see is COVID coverage/news.  I have to be careful how much I read/watch, as this increases my anxiety immensely.

     This week is projected to be the worst week for the city of New York.  The deaths keep rising.   I keep seeing videos/pictures of bogged down hospitals, and infected people.  They seem to keep focusing on the worst part of it.  But occasionally I do see some survivor stories, and it is refreshing to see the stories of people pulling together in their community.  Those at home making masks for those on the front line.  People recognizing that grocery store workers, for one example, are incredible heroes right now too.  Putting themselves at risk every day to be around the general public, and ensure that people get their food/supplies.  Truck workers, that work night/day to deliver those items to the stores.  People offering to strangers to go get groceries for them (especially elderly and high risk people). 

      And it never stops amazing me, how much more contaminated the world is becoming to everyone now.  The public is becoming just like us with OCD.  The things that we have done for years (which others find irrational and extreme, and to be fair/honest, usually are), but now the general public is participating in these things with us.  And no one finds them extreme.  The government/experts are even recommending many of these things.  There are so many videos on how to properly disinfect groceries.  Some new things happening this week:  the CDC has now recommended masks or face coverings for the public.  Grocery stores are putting in one way arrows down each aisle to help promote social distancing.  Several big-box stores are liming the amount of people that can be in a store at a given time.  Some cities in France are no longer allowing people to walk outside from 10am-7pm.  And the comments on Facebook as to how people are dealing with this:  one lady writes that she sprays her shoes with disinfectant, throws all of her clothes along with her mask in the washer, then goes and washes her hands.  Another person dipping their shoes in bleach, wipes off all their doorknobs that they used to get through the house.  Another person brushing their teeth after they are out in public.  Disinfecting their eyeglasses after they were out at the grocery store.  Our daily normal has now become society's normal (and furthermore, the encouraged normal).  Which begs the question, how are those of us with OCD able to differentiate how this works, how is this stuff considered okay at this point in time but it is irrational in our daily lives?  Because all of this decontaminating behavior that everyone is doing now is directly related to a threat.  A very serious threat.  It is trying to do everything in our power to control not getting this virus.  It is the fear/anxiety of getting this virus that is controlling how people behave.

     I am concerned how people in the midst of ERP (exposure and response prevention) therapy are supposed to continue treatment during this time.  We can't suddenly not wash our hands.  We can't suddenly not decontaminate things.  Especially when the world is now doing these things.  I am still managing pretty similar at home right now, to how I usually manage my OCD.  Other than the fact that I am handwashing quite a bit more still, especially after handling items in my pantry/fridge.  I'm still very isolated staying at home, so the threat of actually being exposed to someone with the virus is very low.  Since masks are being recommended now for the general public, I do plan on wearing one when I do my next grocery pick up order tomorrow.  I have not worn one, up to this point.  I have had no contact with anyone in the general public (outside my own immediate family), other than grocery store pick up.      

     This quarantined lockdown is really starting to become taxing.  I need to start finding some sort of daily schedule, so that I'm not just looking over my newsfeed and refreshing it constantly.  As I've said before numerous times on this blog it is very ,very difficult for me to be around my husband in a "normal situation" (whatever that is anymore).  Being around him 24/7 for one month now has become almost unbearable at times.  I will say that he has been very supportive of my losing my job.  It has been other things, that have been difficult.  I am used to being here in the house by myself during the week, and now I'm trying to manage cooking/laundry/house cleaning all while he is downstairs.  He comes up frequently during the course of each day, and many times I've been in the middle of doing something to realize he is upstairs.  My OCD has never trusted him in the house and I am always worried he will get into my "safe zones", so I've basically been having to plant myself on the couch all of the time while he is here, just so I know what he's doing/where he's going.  When he takes off for the farm a couple of hours each day, is when I have a little freedom to do what I want (go sit on our deck is usually what I do).  

     In summary, I am feeling much more anxious and down this week.  I am starting to really worry how long it is going to be before we find "normal" again.  Most experts believe we will never be back to normal until a vaccine is available to the public.  With my OCD, will I feel comfortable taking a vaccine?  Probably not one like this that was mass produced and developed rather quickly, and has no long term studies.  Will I be holed up here for the rest of my life?  Will this be our new normal for the next few months?  years?  As introverted as I am, I have found I really do enjoy some socialization with the public.  I like going down my street and chatting a few minutes with a few of my neighbors.  I like being out at the store and just browsing and not having to worry about a pandemic.  

     I think that the general public may be able finally understand what people with OCD/anxiety live with every day.  Sometimes I'm not even sure that my OCD/anxiety feels as high right now, as someone that previously hasn't dealt with these issues.  I think a lot of this is because I am still in major self isolation mode and "protected" from the world.  I think my OCD will either take one drastic turn or another, when this is over.  Either it's going to draw me further into OCD and isolation, feeling that my obsessions/compulsions really are necessary and keeping me safe.  OR....what I'm hoping will happen is the second option.  Maybe, just maybe, I will find that the world we lived in prior to COVID-19, wasn't really that contaminated.  Maybe the stuff I was doing wasn't necessary.  Maybe there wasn't harm in every day life.  Prayers to you all as this continues to unfold.

Anxiety/OCD and COVID-19 Part 2: A new "normal"

     So it's been almost 10 days since my last post, and the COVID pandemic continues to grow.  This is a scary time.  I last left my house 7 days ago to get groceries, and have been worried how I was going to keep a food supply going at my house.  Most of the pick up options at the grocery store were full until I fortunately figured out their system, one must put in order in before about 6am to secure a lot.  So...now I did secure a slot and will be able to do a pick up order this week, which was a huge relief.  I felt like I hit the jackpot when I was able to make that reservation!
     This virus has been causing anxiety amongst many of the general public, but for those of us with OCD it does present many additional challenges, and much extra stress.  For one, with the groceries, I I do not like the thought of people handling my stuff.  For me it came down to 2 options:  either have more people involved in the touching of my groceries (during a very germy scary time) but not to have go into the store and be directly around people OR go in the store, touch/collect my own groceries, but forced to be in contact with many people at once that do not social distance and potentially be breathing in the virus at the store (as I've heard it can live in the air for 3 hours!!).  So, I decided I can be extra diligent about handwashing (and probably incorporating things into my routine that I normally don't do such as extra handwashing after handling food in my pantry), thus exposing my airborne risk of the disease.  Because those of us with OCD are already great at handwashing.
     I am still finding things that people post on social media very interesting.  It feels like the world is quickly becoming more concerned about contamination.  To many non-OCD folks, everything in the world is contaminated now.  I've seen people suggesting that others wear gloves when they pump gas, to change their shoes when they come in the house (someone said they were keeping their shoes in a plastic bin in the garage and changing into flip flops to walk into the house).  Some people were discussing stripping out of their clothes when they got home from being outside and immediately washing their clothes in the hottest water possible.  People are starting to notice when other people contaminate things--paying attention to food workers wearing gloves and what they are touching with the gloves on and becoming worried about that.  Things that we see every day with our OCD, but that most people haven't paid attention to until now.  I've read articles suggesting that people decontaminate their groceries when they get home (wiping down all non-porous containers with disinfectant wipes).  I have never wiped my groceries down with disinfectant wipes throughout my OCD, and I do not plan to start now.  I have even become worried what if the grocery stores are starting to do this?  Part of my contamination OCD is chemicals, and I don't want to substitute germs for chemicals.  Most of myself feels this can not possibly be deemed safe through the FDA, but people are going to extreme measures to ensure their stuff is "safe".  Sounds like us in everyday life right?  It is not an easy time to have OCD right now.  There are some decisions we have to make that are not in line with our routine way of doing things.
     The other scary part of all of this is that many of the items that we rely on in every day life with OCD (hand sanitizer, paper products, soap, disposable items) are almost impossible to find.  I would imagine the supply will balance out after a period of time, but thinking about not having access to these things is almost unthinkable with OCD.  I go through soap like water in my house.  I have a decent supply of soap in my house, but most of it is not anti-bacterial.  I know that antibacterial soap is not any better than regular old soap, but let's face it--for those of us with OCD, antibacterial just feels better...cleaner.  Even though I don't think I'll run out of soap before they can get it back in stock,  I've already found myself trying to ration it because I really don't think I could function without soap.  I have also been rationing other things such as paper products (I go through lots of tissues and paper towels for various things) as well as gloves--because I'm literally terrified of running out of them.  In a way, it's forced me to decide do I REALLY need to use soap or a glove right now?
     My  husband, surprisingly, is becoming very germ-conscious throughout this pandemic as well.  He wanted to go out on a beer run the other day and thought about going first thing in the morning before the store got too busy.  He told me his plan was to go to the store, use hand sanitizer in the car, wash his hands right when he got home and take a shower.  He asked me if I thought this would help reduce his changes of getting the virus.  He ended up not going to the store, as he was able to find a liquor store in our city that is doing car side pickups.  He went to get his supply last night and the employee came out to his truck with gloves on, wiped off his 3 beer cases with disinfectant wipes, put them in his truck, and wiped his door handle.  The employee actually did this.  Now, my husband had coincidentally put some disinfect wipes in his truck before going, as his plan was to wipe the cases down, but the employee beat him to it.  My husband also was out at our farm the other night selling some hay to a stranger.  He told the stranger that he wasn't getting closer than 20 feet away from him, and made the stranger put the cash down far away from him, so he had no close interaction.  When the man left, my  husband took a glove from the farm shop, picked up the cash, took the glove off his hand inside out (keeping the cash contained there), and put it somewhere inside where he planned on letting it sit for 7-10 days until the virus would be killed if it were potentially on there.
     As I said in my previous post, it is weird to see the world behaving as if the world is contaminated.  To those of us with OCD, the world is contaminated every day.  Seeing everything happening in the world to maintain social distance, is an ideal world for those of us with OCD, if we could just take the actual virus out of the equation.  To order your take out and have them deliver it to your car, so you didn't have to be around people.  To order your clothes from the retail store, and again have them bring it out to you.  To have no contact deliveries, where you don't have to be around anyone.  To take your pet to the vet, and they will come get your pet and bring them back out to your car (again avoiding people).  My grocery store is supposedly setting up plastic windows/barriers around the cashiers.  Social distancing and good hygiene is what we dream of everyday in the general public.  But not the virus.  That is the scary part.  I am planning to update weekly on this situation, as this is kind of my personal focus right now in life.  This is my new normal.  Staying home, hoping I get fortunate enough to get the grocery pick up time weekly, checking Amazon daily for soap/paper towels (even though I know I'm not going to find any for awhile), seeing the endless videos/news conferences/articles on COVID.  Working my 9 hour nursing shifts doing triage, speaking to patients about COVID.  Socially quarantining myself with my family.  Scared to go outside in my front yard because we have so many neighbors that don't understand the concept of social distancing.  Scared to take a walk, because I don't want random strangers coming up talking to me/petting my dogs.  Worrying about our country and the world.  Worrying about the food and supply chain.  Worried I will have to go to the store to get food.  Worrying if this pandemic is going to make my OCD worse, or possibly force me to learn to live a life without the soap and paper products I rely on.  Being stuck inside the house (but knowing at the same time that is the only way to really stay safe, so I'll gladly do it), things are getting very, very tense with my husband.  It is a challenge for me even when he works at home an occasional day, so 2 weeks of him working at home with no end in sight is becoming extremely taxing on me.  We do not do well at all when we are together 24/7.  I am used to being here alone during the day, which makes cooking/laundry/cleaning much easier to do when I don't have an audience.  Now he is around all the time, and this has been very difficult.  Worrying about being cooped up all summer too, when ordinarily that is the one time of the year where I do better mentally and can be out and do social things and have fun.  None of us know how long this pandemic is going to last.  I will keep posting regularly.  Hope you all are doing well, and staying safe.

OCD/Anxiety and COVID-19

     Our nation, is currently in the middle of a health pandemic--COVID-19 (Coronavirus). I think it is important to discuss this, as I know there are many people out in the world that are in a state of panic about this virus and what it means. My heart goes out to anyone who has had this virus, and especially those whose lives have been lost (or family members who have lost a loved one due to this). Many "normal" people are experiencing anxiety about what this outbreak will bring over the next several months. For those of us with OCD or anxiety, our already anxious state of mind is probably going further into overdrive. I don't know if this virus has been detected where you live. For me, we have about 12 confirmed cases in the next city over from where I live (but these are the two biggest cities in Nebraska, so many people go back and forth daily commuting). Nothing has been confirmed here in my city (of almost 300,000 people) yet, but today we just found out that our public school system will be closing next week, while they develop a plan that may possibly include instituting remote learning for the remainder of the semester. I have been looking on Amazon daily for supplies such as paper towels, soap, hand sanitizer, and masks, many of which can not be found. An N95 respirator is nowhere to be found, unless you want to pay $50 for a single use disposable mask on Amazon. The nitrile gloves that I buy for myself (for daily food handling, and cleaning--a very valuable, yet taken for granted item) were out of stock through my normal vendor and I had to pay a much higher price somewhere else. I have looked at online medical supply stores for surgical/procedure masks, and every single one of those items is on backorder, probably not available for 1-2 months. I went to get groceries 3 days ago and the shelves were pretty well stocked, other than bottled water which there was only one case left that I snatched. My mother went to the same store today and said she had never seen anything like it in her life. Almost every shelf (at a huge chain grocery store) was emptied of food. Entire freezer sections, canned goods etc. Completely sold out. PANIC BUYING from people. I have read articles about hospitals where patients are stealing boxes of masks and medical supplies. My own medical clinic I work for is now rationing out masks to the nurses, saying that they have to re-use them for several days, because eventually they are going to run out. This isn't even sanitary on any level. I am so thankful I am able to work from home, as there is literally no way I would be able to mentally deal with that. My husband is now working from home for his company, and they will be re-assessing the situation every 2 weeks to determine when their employees can come back to work. I don't do well at all with my husband at home all the time, so this is going to be a huge source of added stress. Amazon Prime has been my best friend these past 2 weeks, as I've been buying "big items" to have shipped to me (paper towels specifically), so that when I go to the store I have more room in my cart for food. I've been cleaning out my pantry and fridge, trying to create good space and organizing well to accommodate all the extras. My goal is to have enough on hand that we could all be in the house for 4 weeks without leaving. Period. And then just 1 N95 respirator that I could wear to do another stock up when that ran out. But for now, I'm really trying to just carry on with business as usual. I'm honestly not too worried about the illness itself coming here, but that is changing with all the constant news posts and social media. I think my local community is being very diligent, as well as the whole U.S. in trying to defeat this virus. Trying to be proactive, to stop the spread immediately. Of course all of this happens right in the middle of flu season. I normally have a lot of issues anyway during flu season. My usual pattern is to grocery shop every 1-2 weeks, and make no unnecessary appointments until flu season is done. Over the past few weeks, I have had to make the decision of being out and about in flu season more in order to stock up for a bigger threat...Coronavirus. I have made multiple trips to the store, stocking up on food and supplies. This is only out of caution and wanting to be prepared, should it start popping up in my community. Because if it does pop up in my town, I know at that point I would just want to stay home. At that point, I would panic if I did not have the supplies/food at home. One thing that I personally am very anxious about is how long this pandemic will last. I typically do very poorly, as I said, through the winter months, due to a combination of Seasonal Affective Disorder, lack of sun, and struggling mentally through the flu season as I worry through that every year until it has passed. When April hits, I usually do a big turn and my mood shifts. I feel more positive, I get out more after being cooped up, and the sun finally comes out. I had put in a request with my job and am (still) planning on working very minimal hours this summer. I had lots of plans to go all sorts of places this summer, even possibly a couple of vacations. Mostly I just wanted to relax and be able to go wherever we wanted to go any given day. The threat of this Coronavirus and how problematic it could potentially get over the months, has been very depressing to think about. To think about being cooped up inside the entire summer, and worrying about this constantly over what should be fun summer months, has been very depressing.

     To touch on all of the rapidly emerging closings and cancellations across the country: schools, concerts, church, sporting events (basketball, College world series, Masters tournaments), Disneyworld, Disneyland. People being encouraged to work from home if at all possible. Travel bans. There has been word that the summer Olympics maybe postponed as well. Now we are even starting to see movie theaters shut down, as well as gyms and daycares. Restaurants are closing down for dine-in purposes, and people are only being allowed take out. Fast food restaurants are only offering drive thru services. Restaurant delivery services are offering "no contact deliveries" where they will just set your food on your driveway for you. Nursing homes are not allowing any visitors (even family) into their facilities. It seems like the world is slowly shutting down and people are being encouraged to practice social distancing when out in public. The governor of my state has just issued restrictions on all public gatherings be 10 or less people. This means weddings and funerals will be held to this standard. This is so frightening, and so sad. This is enough to evoke fear in anyone! Most of us have never seen anything like this in our lives. I think a lot of this fear generates from the fact that the effects of this new virus are unknown. It is uncertainty to it's highest extent. And what is the thing that amps up our anxiety/OCD....you got it, uncertainty!

     I have been reading so many posts/articles on social media, and people's responses are varying in high degrees with their fear regarding this virus. For many people, it is business as usual. Three of my neighbors went on vacations this week, as it is Spring break here for schools this week. Two families traveled by plane. One even went on a cruise! You couldn't even pay me a million dollars right now to get on a plane or cruise ship in light of what is going on. Some people are exercising a rational degree of caution, which I honestly think is the healthiest approach. Not panic buying, but being careful and making preparations. Then there are people who really are making changes (big changes!). One of the news stations in my city posted a question on their Facebook page, asking how the concern over Coronavirus has affected their every day life, and here are some of the comments that people made: I want to go buy bulk in everything I use, I'm pulling my kids out of school and homeschooling them (I saw that multiple times, and trust me I've had that exact thought myself), I'm going to start wiping down my steering wheel, door handles, maybe I should start wiping my phone off when I get home from work, I don't want to eat at restaurants anymore, I'm only stepping out of my house to let my dogs out, I started using sanitizer after I signed for packages delivered to my door, I started washing my hands more. These were all things that people said even before we started having restrictions (which just started over the past week). The thing is that with many of these things, those of us with OCD do them anyway. It is part of our normal routine. We disinfect as we go, we clean, we wipe, we fear that everything is contaminated. The rest of the world is starting to act like we do. And that is scary in a way, because it further escalates the fear that this really is something to panic about! I think pandemics like this can actually cause people to develop OCD. I sure know it did for me. My OCD flipped on to a whole new level with germs when H1N1 came out in 2009. To further illustrate my point, one lady on Facebook said that she had started decontaminating herself after being out in public, since the Coronavirus started. She puts a towel over her carseat, so she doesn't contaminate her carseat. Then she takes it off the seat, brings it inside, strips out of her clothes, keeps everything in the laundry room, and heads straight to the shower. Now, I don't even do that with OCD. But the fear of this virus and the fear or this woman getting it, she developed a ritual that she thought might keep her safe. So, I do think this is OCD possibly developing, and this is really sad. In other ways, to see people's changed behavior--it's almost refreshing?? Is that even the right word? To see other people actually concerned about hygiene, and to feel like I fit in a little bit more, and maybe some of the things I do aren't so irrational to others now. If I wanted to wear a mask in public, I certainly wouldn't be the only one. To see others whipping out their hand sanitizer, Clorox wiping their steering wheels, wiping down their phone. To see restaurants wiping down their menus, their door handles. To see others concerned and wanting to make sure other people stay home when they're sick. To see so much soap being bought, that you know that people actually have to be washing their hands. To see people practicing "social distancing" and learning the importance of staying 6 feet away from other people to help prevent illness. To think that this is a new concept for many people, although for us with OCD it is daily way of life. To see/hear countless reminders about "covering your cough" and feeling hopeful that finally some people are going to understand the importance of this, not just with Coronavirus, but with colds/flu in general. It almost gives me a sense of security in a weird way, knowing that the world is trying to be cleaner, and hoping that maybe, just maybe, these new habits will stick for a lot of people. It's weird to see these behaviors, as they make us more comfortable, and without the Coronavirus (and it's added threats), this is really the kind of ideal clean world we would want to live in. How much easier would it be for us to function in a world where every single person became obsessed with cleanliness? But it would also be a sad world, because then truly everyone would be dealing with OCD, and I would never wish that upon anyone.

     One big change that I have noticed is that for the first time really ever with my husband, I have seen him washing his hands more, not wanting to eat out, staying home and not going to events that he normally would. So obviously he is concerned about this. I've tried to explain to him that this is how OCD feels every day in life. Every day for those of us with OCD is a struggle about "what if" something is out there, "what if" something is contaminated, "what if" I come into contact with someone that is sick. But now, with COVID-19 out there, the "what if" stakes just got higher. What if COVID hits my city? What if I or someone in my family gets sick? What if someone I know dies from this? What if I'm too scared to go out and get food/supplies? What if I'm too scared to have them delivered to my home (because I feel they're contaminated from the grocery store workers)? What if the schools don't close, how will I send my daughter to school in this everyday? What if the grocery stores run out of food?  What if soap, hand sanitizer, disinfectants, gloves, paper towels (all of the supplies that we need everyday with our OCD) eventually run out?  The way that people are hoarding those things, that is a real fear.  The what-ifs just keep going on and on.

     Back to the more hygienic behaviors being practiced now across the world--is that what differentiates rational from irrational behavior? The probability of an event? Maybe some of the fear that we have with our every day OCD isn't all that irrational. Certainly when it comes to the compulsive way we might do our laundry, wearing inside vs. outside clothes, and some of the other compulsions that we carry--yes those probably are irrational. But when it comes to legitimate illness, whether it's COVID-19, Influenza, or the common cold--what exactly constitutes when a person moves from rational to irrational behavior? Germaphobia is a tough one. There is always a threat of being exposed to illness. We also don't have COVID-19 to worry about every day. I'm not really sure there is a real answer for my question above. I think everybody needs to do what they need to do to get through this time. And we all need to look out for each other. There are probably a lot of people really struggling with this right now. I hope that you are all doing okay with all that is going on. I hope you and your loved ones all stay healthy. I hope this is not creating more anxiety in your lives (although I am sure for the vast majority of us, it is). I hope and pray that you will find peace in this situation. Take care of yourselves, and make sure that you do what you need to do for yourselves and your families. Practice self care daily, and please PRAY for our world and country. Pandemics like this can create immense anxiety and depression. We start to feel alone and isolated. We may begin to be consumed with worry. Take time everyday to practice deep breathing and do something that you enjoy--whether it's reading, writing in a journal, baking, listening to music, or watching TV/movies. If anyone needs to talk to, please please send me an e-mail to connectwithmyocdstory@gmail.com. If you are deeply struggling and don't have anyone to talk to about your concerns, I am more than happy to chat with you. I would love to hear from any of you. Is the virus in your community? How is it affecting your daily life? How is it affecting your anxiety or OCD? I will probably be updating my blog more frequently as this situation evolves. Stay well, friends.

The Husband Post--The debate whether to stay or go

     This post has been a long time coming.  Truth be told, I don't even know where to start with this post or how to even possibly put this all into one post--but I'm going to try.  This may be a little different format to how I typically write.  This will probably be just more of a journal type entry, as this subject is something I'm not even sure can be organized or put into words.  There are so many added layers of complexity with my OCD when it comes to my husband.  It may be easier to revisit some of my old blog posts to learn how my OCD got started, why living with your spouse with OCD is difficult, when your spouse doesn't seem to care about your OCD, and when your spouse is your biggest OCD trigger.  These are all important posts I've done in the past which will give a lot of background information rather than revisit all of that here in great detail again.  To summarize briefly, I believe I started showing signs of OCD in 2005.  Our marriage was suffering greatly that year, I felt worlds apart from my husband, and was mostly a single mom to our then 2 year old daughter.  Everything came to a head one day when I was driving to work--I had a full fledged panic attack.  Not just minor-moderate anxiety.  A full fledged I truly thought I was going to die that day panic attack.  Another very significant panic attack occurred the following week, which landed me in an ambulance and in the ER.  These preceded a bout of major depressive disorder which lasted throughout that entire summer.  I remember making journal entries about our relationship that summer and how I truly wanted to divorce my husband (side note of probable importance--he actually found that journal hidden between the mattresses that summer and unfortunately I minced no words in my journal entries.  He still brings that up periodically in arguments).  I wanted out of the relationship desperately though.  I could feel myself sinking farther and farther into depression and anxiety.  I believe that summer, in a sense, "triggered" or turned on my OCD.  I've done a lot of reading about OCD through the years, and one thing most people are in agreement with regarding it's onset is the fact that it is both genetic and environmental.  You must have an underlying genetic tendency to the disorder, and there must also be an environmental factor that "turns on the OCD".  So if we have OCD we are genetically disposed regardless, but we also must have a stressor/environmental factor that puts it into motion.  I wholeheartedly believe the summer of 2005 was my trigger.  Unfortunately so much happened that summer, and I don't feel my husband was there for me emotionally through any of it.  He did not seem to care about my anxiety or depression, or even really notice how bad things were.  We continued to grow more apart, and deep resentment began to set in.  It was shortly after that, that I began to see OCD tendencies in myself.  It began with a lot of "magical thinking" (thinking if I didn't do things a certain way, that something bad would happen).  For example, I might be folding laundry and have to make sure all the tags were folded in properly to the shirts, so that something bad wouldn't happen to my daughter.  Of course I knew these things were irrational, but in order to get some peace from the thoughts I would keep doing them, and the obsessive compulsive cycle just grew stronger every day.  More and more things were being added each day.  I started doing a lot of extra cleaning/wiping during this time--wiping off library books that came home (covers and all of the pages), scrubbing my daughters lips and skin around her mouth every time she went out in public (because I was worried germs were entering her mouth and somehow I felt that had to lessen her chance of getting sick).  Handwashing became a constant thing.  When her friends came over, I would make them wash their hands even before they played with her toys.  If you kept narrowing down the reason why I was doing these things, most of the time it came back to the thought that I was trying to protect my daughter by doing these rituals.  I was scared of something bad happening to her.  Because my marriage was strained, I was deathly scared of something bad happening to her.  My daughter was/is my person in this world.  My husband was gone a lot.  Our marriage was disconnected.  My daughter and I had each other in this world, and I needed to make sure we were safe, that nothing bad happened to either one of us.  My general OCD/contamination OCD became mild-moderate over the course of about 3-4 years.  I continued to struggle with severe anxiety, but the major depression had lifted a little by then.  We started trying to conceive another child and went through several years of infertility and a miscarriage.  Things between us still were not great at all.  Our marriage is general was still very strained, and the OCD wasn't even specific to him at that time.  Meaning, I found him no more contaminated than anything else was.  We had terrible communication.  I also found out I was allergic to nuts around this time, and found out he would still eat them (even before we were to be intimate since we were trying to get pregnant).  It is possible for someone with a severe nut allergy to have a life threatening reaction by kissing someone who has recently eaten nuts.  I would ask him if he had eaten nuts before were intimate, and he would get irritated.  But I would ask only because I had found empty granola bar wrappers in his pockets and was trying to keep myself safe.  It didn't really seem like he was worried about my safety at all.  So, that became a source of contention.  It was also around this time that I began to notice my husband was not a very hygienic person.  He had probably always been this way, I just hadn't noticed or paid attention before.  My non-OCD mind back then was able to filter all of this out (as a neurotypical mind is able to do), but once I developed OCD I began to notice things and fixate on them.  I think the more disconnected we became and the less we felt like a couple, I began to feel like I was putting my health at risk being with him, and that created a lot of resentment.  In the spring of 2009, he became contaminated to me, and really has been ever since.  What happened is that he spent a lot of time restoring farm equipment that summer and painting cars (a hobby), and would spray these things in our backyard (where our daughter and I spent a lot of time).  One time he came in with with his hands and the front of his jeans both covered in green spray paint.  He didn't stop at the sink that day to wash his hands, he just walked back to the bathroom and got in the shower.  That is the exact moment he actually became contaminated to me.  All I could picture at that time was paint/chemicals on his hands, moving to his whole body as he washed himself.  Sorry if TMI here, but I became fixated on his that paint contaminating his genitals.  Which again since we were trying to conceive, became a very huge problem.  That summer, some very strange things happened.  Before we were intimate, I would have to get in the shower with him and wash off his genitals.  That is the only way I could feel comfortable with the act of having sex, knowing my clean hands had washed his genitals.  Since we dealt with infertility, this resulted in some very long awkward months of this happening.  Add that to the no kissing (with him eating nuts), and the still very dysfunctional cycle of our relationship...and it just was not good.  It was also around this time that I would take note of things that probably had always happened...I just was noticing more, and becoming increasingly bothered by them.  For example he might come in and throw his dirty hunting clothes over our shoes in the entryway.  One time he took a makeup/eyeshadow compact out of my makeup drawer and used it as mirror to look at something in his truck engine when he was working with dirty/greasy hands, and I found the compact sitting in the kitchen after the fact.  Fortunately I was able to figure out what happened before he had a chance to return it to my makeup drawer.  Many ,many examples happened, too many to list.  It was then that I realized I didn't trust him to be clean with my stuff.  I didn't want him using or touching my things.  I started putting all of my things in safe places.  I moved my clothes to my daughters closet.  I moved my makeup and toiletries and towels to a linen closet he never used.  I started putting open food (boxes or bags of cereal, candy, etc) in a special cupboard (so I could keep track of what was opened and not opened).  I put my shoes in a different area.  Eventually through the years this grew into keeping separate dishes in separate cupboards (which he still doesn't know I do), sleeping in separate bedrooms, and really just living as separately as possible.      
     Most of these things wouldn't even bother a neurotypical person, but I can about guarantee if you have contamination OCD--you will understand how these things become bothersome.  Most of these things people would say...yes you are being totally ridiculous and irrational, and I get that.  I am.  But that is the unfortunate thing about OCD.  Some of the things he does though are over the top, and I've talked to a counselor about many of these things--and she has said they are abnormal on his end.  Regardless, all of these things create barriers to our relationship and make it really hard to live together or function normally as a couple.  Therefore, we really haven't been a couple for quite some time.  It feels more like a strained roommate situation that is just constantly stressful.  First for the "so-so stuff"--his room looks like a teenage boy lives there.  All of his clothes are littered all over his floor, and I'm talking hundreds of clothes.  Things he doesn't even wear.  Stuff he doesn't just pick up and donate or throw away.  He doesn't pay attention to whether or not things are clean.  He just picks them up off the floor and wears them.  He could put on socks that haven't been washed in months, that have been worn multiple times.  In fact, I know he has about 3-4 pairs of socks currently, and I don't know what happens to the rest of them.  He just keeps re-wearing them day after day dirty.  He could put on a pair of jeans to go hunting in that hasn't been washed in 4 years (that he has hunted in multiple times).  He will then of course sit in these clothes in his truck, at our kitchen table, and on our furniture **correction HIS furniture**.  Yes, we have separate furniture, it's just sort of a normal thing around our house now for the last several years.  There is no way I would be able to function in my house if I did not have separate areas from him.  I keep my safe zones clean and free of him, and that is how I can deal with his spaces looking the way they do and not let the trail of contamination spread.  For some examples of the really gross unhygienic stuff--he has his own bathroom, and it never gets cleaned unless I clean it.  I try to clean it before it gets really out of hand, but there have been times I didn't know how bad it looked--and I've had to go in there and literally clean black mold off the shower/shower curtain.
  

Yes, these are a couple of actual pictures I took at the time that are mortifying for me to look at.  He told me that 9/10 men wouldn't have a problem showering in this shower.  That was his response when we talked about how filthy and unsanitary this is.  How unhealthy this is for him to shower and breathe in mold spores every time he stands in there when the hot water gets going.  To add another layer of complexity, I have a very severe mold allergy (I have several environmental allergies confirmed via skin testing), and mild asthma (usually flared up during allergies or colds) and I have had to be the one to go in and clean these messes multiple times.  How am I supposed to feel like he cares about my well being again (back to the whole nut thing) when he allows and is okay with me cleaning this mess up, exposing myself to something I am highly allergic to.  How could I ever feel like he is clean, when this is where he takes his shower?  He also lays his towel over the toilet and reuses it for days on end (probably sometimes weeks).  It was also around this time that I found out his night mouthguard (that he wears for tooth grinding) was growing mold on it as well.  I could see an orange residue film on his nightguard, along with some black mold spots.  Something that goes in his mouth every night.  How could I ever possibly be comfortable kissing him thinking about that?  Please, I am begging anyone to chime in here and comment.  Is this stuff over the top?  I feel like it is.  I feel like this is not normal.  I feel like it makes it extremely difficult, if not impossible to have any type of physical relationship with him.  I talked with a therapist last summer who told me (and I am not trying to be demeaning or insulting to my husband in any way here.  I'm just trying to be real and try to figure out if there is a way through this mess or not) that there is likely something mental going on with him to allow him to live this way.  But here's the kicker...because I have OCD, he somehow justifies his lack of hygiene and turns it into my problem.  It's always my problem.  He doesn't really see a problem with any of this stuff (even the moldy bathroom and nightguard), and just throws it back at me...like I'm the one with the issue.  There are so many things that seem so wrong about our relationship.  I feel so angry all the time because I can't live freely in my home, because I feel he is dirty/contaminated.  I feel like I am a prisoner in my own home, like I can't go anywhere because I have to sit here and watch what he is doing to make sure he doesn't contaminate anything (specifically my safe zones) because I've literally seen what he's done before to my stuff.  I feel like the idea of any type of physical relationship with him is impossible.  Even going on dates or spending time together alone is not possible because it would either require me to ride in his truck (which isn't going to happen, I feel its contaminated) or for him to ride in my passenger seat (which isn't going to happen either because I don't want him contaminating my car with his dirty clothes).  So, we pretty much could never go out together the two of us (unless I made him ride in my back seat which seems ridiculous).  Which means we don't really spend time together either.  We haven't slept in the same bedroom for about 16 years (no way could I sleep in his bed.  He doesn't even have sheets on his bed anymore.  Just a mattress pad which has some blood spots and some giant orange stain in the middle of it).  The thought never seems to occur to him to clean anything when it gets visibly dirty.  The thought of sleeping in that bed is sickening to me.  Sometimes he will go 3-4 days without a shower (he won't do that when he works at his office job, but if its a long weekend or he has time off it's not unusual to see him go that long of a stretch).  I do remember a time when he went 3-4 days over a long weekend without brushing his teeth (I only know this because he had just got back from traveling and the toothbrush was still in his suitcase 3-4 days later).  And it's not just the OCD.  It's so many other things too.  It always has been.  We've always had a strange relationship.  We don't even really talk when we're home together.  It honestly feels like we're strangers.  It's felt this way for about 14 years.  There are some days when we really don't say much of anything to each other.  Anything we do talk about is superficial and not really important.  There is a major disconnection in our relationship.  He spends most of his time looking at the Internet when he is home.  Sometimes I feel such rage at him looking at Craigstlist for hours on end every night, I truly think I'm going to explode.  The internet addiction has been an issue for him since very early on in our marriage, before my OCD ever started.  He would spend hours late into the night looking up anything and everything on Craiglist, playing online poker.  I would check his internet history and it just went on and on.  I feel so resentful and bitter toward him when I think about the toxic dysfunction that our relationship is.  And the fact that we've never really had a marriage.  I do feel that he has ADD--that has never been confirmed by a doctor, but I strongly suspect it.  And he's even admitted to me that he thinks he might have it.  My counselor also thought he probably has ADD based on his inattention and being in his own world most of the time.  She thought it also might account for the condition he keeps his room/bathroom in, and some of the other odd things he does.  On top of that, he is very angry and irritable in general, yells a lot, rarely apologizes to me, doesn't like to talk about serious issues that really need to be talked about.  There is rarely resolution to our conflict (which is pretty much all the time anymore).  He doesn't really help me at all with our daughter or our two dogs.  I get up and let the dogs out every single day first thing in the morning and walk them most days, and pretty much are their main caretakers.  He goes out with friends on the weekends, or hunts, goes out to his family farm to mess around, goes downstairs and watches TV or takes naps while I take care of our daughter, our dogs and our home.  He makes large financial decisions without me.  He sleeps in often on the weekends, while I am taking care of everything/everyone.  I truly think he is addicted to the internet and is iPhone.  He doesn't pick up after himself in general.  Just leaves things wherever he wants and I have to clean up after him.  He gives me the silent treatment rather than communicate about our issues, and deflects all of our marital issues back on me.  He rarely hanks for me for anything I do around the home.  I work 3 days per week, and take care of all the housework, laundry, cleaning, groceries, bills, etc.  I make nice meals most evenings for our family and he rarely compliments me or makes any positive comments about the food I make.  I feel completely unappreciated for what I do.  I do not enjoy being around him anymore.  Often I feel physically ill when I am around him.  Theres been many times throughout our relationship that I've been so upset by our interactions that I literally start shaking in my hands (sometimes my whole body has shaken horribly, almost like someone with Parkinsons' disease) and I have even vomited at times because my stomach gets in such a knot.  I am unhappy and depressed being with him.  He has said some horribly awful things to me through the years in relation to my OCD.  He has never tried to understand my OCD.  I invited him to come talk to my therapist years ago about it a few times and he went one time and declined to go back.  He has never really been there for me emotionally, or seemed to ever care about what I am going through.  In the deepest, darkest, worst days of my OCD (which spanned 2013-2015), he spent most of that time irritated and mad at me.  I was literally in quicksand those 2 years, absolutely drowing, trying to keep my head above water.  Trying to hold things down around the house, juggle a job, and deal with debilitating OCD and once again...major depression.  There were days I didn't even know how I would ever possibly make it through each day.  Life was extremely difficult/impossible at that point.  Looking back on things, he had to know how bad things were.  But never once did I ever feel an ounce of support from him.  It was another devestating blow to our relationship.  But coming back around to his possible ADD again...was just he unware because he wasn't capable of noticing things?  Or did he just not care about me period?  Also just another example of how disconnected we were back then....I had surgery in the fall of 2015.  My first surgery ever, and the first time I had ever been put under general anesthesia.  I truly had horrible anxiety surrounding the surgery.  I thought I was going to die, and never wake up from anesthesia.  It was very irrational thoughts and likely ruminating caused by my OCD.  I remember he was traveling that week (I actually scheduled the surgery that week on purpose because I just wanted my mom with me during surgery, I knew she would be supportive and caring, and I was worried being with my unsupportive husband would just make it harder), and he came home late the night of my surgery (it was just outpatient so I came home the same day), and all he said to me as he walked in trough the garage door before he disappeared back to bed immediately, was "You're still alive?".  He didn't even sit down to ask me how things went, or act like he cared at all.  He didn't even ask what they found during surgery, or if I was okay.  These types of situations have been deep, deep cuts in the foundation of our relationship.  I really don't want this to turn into a bash post against my  husband, I've just always tried to keep this blog very real.  It's how I process things.  This is just about how I experience the relationship and the issues that I see surface.  The truth is, and has been for almost 14 years now, I really don't want to be with my husband.  There, I said it.  So, is this OCD some weird type of subconscious way to keep my distance and not get too close to him?  Or is the OCD really just a result (and growing and morphing through the year) of the chronic stress I feel.  I have been better able to handle most types of contamination situations over the past few years as I've been working on my OCD.  In fact if you look through my blog over the past several years, I have come quite far since 2013.  I am pretty proud of myself in regard to that.  I am leaps and bounds better than I was 6 years ago.  But with my husband specifically, I'm not going to lie.  There have been some really odd dynamics to all of this.  I'm not willing to contaminate myself with him.  Other than 2 years ago we resumed our sexual relationship for a few short months (I did want to prove to myself that I could allow myself to be contaminated by him).  During that time we got our second dog, and a new puppy is kind of like a second baby, so the sex dwindled again and hasn't returned since.  It's not even about the OCD so much anymore.  I have no desire to be intimate with him.

     As the years go by, I'm trying to be realistic about things and be able to accept the situation for what it is.  If my husband is always going to feel contaminated to me, regardless, then do we ever really have a chance of having a normal relationship?  I know that I don't want things to go on like this forever.  They just can't.  I have developed so many stress related health issues throughout the years.  Every time I see my primary doctor she warns me that this marriage stress is really affecting my health greatly.  I have developed both Hashimoto's thyroiditis, and fibromyalgia and feel like general crap most days.  I feel achy, sore and tired--I feel flu-like most days.  I feel cold to the bones most days.  I have horrible TMJ and experience severe facial/jaw pain daily.  I clench my teeth every night.  I wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety.  I have nightmares and dreams about my  husband (sometimes about our bad relationship, sometimes weirdly about him contaminating things).  I've dealt with IBS, migraine headaches, strange neurological symptoms (weird twitches under my eyes), arthritic discs in my back and neck, overactive bladder, and an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder that my doctor keeps following me for, telling me "you have something...I just doesn't know what exactly yet".  I have some other health conditions, but these specific ones I mentioned have likely all been brought on by chronic stress.  I feel like I will live a life ruled by depression, OCD, and anxiety as long as I am with him.  That's a really depressing reality.  Every day I'm just trying to get through each day with him.  Most nights I go to bed knowing that I can't keep doing this forever.  My mood plummets to extreme lows as soon as I hear him come home from work.  Sometimes I watch him sit on the couch looking at Craigslist, and I literally am seething inside.  He has been working from home more recently with his job, and those days have been awful.  I just sit and stew all day about the fact that he's there.  First for the fact that it's hard to be around him an additional 8-9 hours each day, and second of all for the fact that again with the OCD it ruins my plans for the day.  I'm stuck at home doing nothing.  I don't feel comfortable running errands or leaving the home when he's here by himself.  We've also entered hunting season again for the year, which always kicks things up a notch.  If he is even 5 feet away from me walking through the kitchen, my OCD tells me "he got you, he brushed against you, he contaminated you, change your clothes, throw your clothes away, do something!"  I've been throwing away a few more things recently than I'd like to admit.  This is a problem I've had severely in the past that I'd been doing much better with recently, but with 2 dogs now in the home it has complicated things.  And for some reason this last month has been terrible with him.  I'm feeling myself worried about his things all the time again.  If I see his hat laying on the counter, I'm worried somehow my clothes brushed against it.  The dogs climb all over him on the couch, and then I feel like the dogs become contaminated with his dirty clothes.  So if the dogs come by and swish their tail against my clothes, I start feeling like his contamination is spreading onto my clothes through the dogs.  It is really becoming difficult again.  I don't think I've ever had a period where I've felt happy with my husband recently.  Like I stated earlier, mostly its just getting through each day.  It's looking forward to when he goes to work, when he has plans with his friends, when he goes on a work trip, etc.  Because then somehow I can feel free and I can feel comfortable.  
     I'm worried that this post doesn't cover everything.  In fact, I know it doesn't.  I know there are about 10,000 pieces to this puzzle, and I've given maybe 100 here.  Some of you will read this and think "wow, this girl is crazy, no wonder her husband is disconnected".  Some of you will read it and probably think "wow, they have both have issues".  Some may think "I can totally understand why she is having such a hard time, I would too".  Some may think that our marriage problems are all a result of my OCD, but I assure you it's not.  My OCD never saw him specifically as contaminated until well into our marriage, long after we were having problems.  I don't know if I should stay or go.  So much of me wants to go.  But a small part of me wants to stay.  I understand fully that living with someone with OCD is very difficult.  I feel for him in that way, I really do.  I wish that I could be the normal spouse, that doesn't worry about those things.  But that is not reality for me.  That is not where I am right now, and probably never will be.  I think if he has to deal with my OCD stuff, then maybe I just need to deal with his ADD/disconnection stuff.  Both of our conditions seem to be feeding off the other, and it is just a horrible cycle to be in.  It just doesn't seem like there is a way out.  I have set in my mind that if our relationship is not better by the time our daughter graduates from high school (only about 18 months away now), that I feel like it would be best to leave then.  At least we would have some chance of a more normal life alone.  The strangest part about all of this, is he tells me he doesn't think our relationship is that bad.  He tells me I'm the one who thinks it is bad.  That is another frustrating thing about him is that he tends to minimize my feelings, or make me feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting more out of our relationship.  The bottom line is we don't have a relationship, we never really have.  There is no friendship, no time spent time together, no support, no physical relationship.  The emotional, physical and mental aspects of our marriage are all missing.  We live together in the same house.  We are roommates.  But we made a promise before God 18 years ago when we said our vows.  There has been no infidelity in our relationship, which is really the only biblical excuse for leaving the marriage.  But I do believe there has been emotional abandonment, and neglect.  I think there have been abusive behaviors and words (on both sides).  And there is a very obvious contempt and disdain between both of us in almost all of our interactions.  I don't think that is healthy.  I can't fix a marriage alone.  I don't feel like I can leave the marriage, but I don't feel like I can stay.  I don't know what to do.  If you stuck with me to the end of this post, thank you!  This was a hard one to write.  Lots of feelings and emotions to dredge up, stuff that sits with me everyday and probably affects my interactions with my husband everyday, even in subconscious ways.    If anyone has any thoughts/ideas, I would greatly appreciate any advice.  If you are in a similar situation, my heart goes out to you.  I write this blog in hopes that I can just reach at least one person with each post, where my story and words hit home for them.  Because if I can reach at least one person, then all of this writing was well worth it.